S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
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Anonymous
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I read this line in the other post about the DIL who left when she saw her ILs in the driveway, and I honestly teared up out of nowhere. This so succinctly sums up the pressure I feel from both my own parents and my husband’s parents.
I do. So. Much. And it’s never enough. I am constantly working, parenting, cooking, cleaning, planning fun things for my family to do together, making sure kids have everything they need for school, activities, birthday parties, etc. I am always busy and I very rarely make time for myself. And yes, DH and I think of and connect with and invite and include our parents. A lot. We do a lot for them. But it’s never enough. They’re always asking, wheedling, whining, demanding more. I am stretched so thin. Even when I’m hosting my parents and throwing my cousin a baby shower, it’s this that this that what about this that can we do can we have. And they have NOTHING to do! Same with my ILs, they do nothing but play Wordle, go to church once a week, and do nothing. When they visit, they don’t lift a single finger and instead just wheedle and whine about wanting more time, can we do this, what about that. “The DIL is in the busiest chapter of hr life; you have nothing to do.” Why don’t grandparents get this?!?! |
Anonymous
| They do get it. They've done it already. |
Anonymous
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I'm an old rump boomer MIL and don't know how you do it. I still don't know how I did it. Please tell those oldsters you're overwhelmed and need help. If they can't/won't provide it, quit worrying about their feelings. Prioritize your nuclear family. You don't get these years back. Take all the help you can get and pay it forward when the time comes.
Good luck and take care of yourself! |
Anonymous
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Yes! Isn’t it validating?
Our school used to put on a huge parade for the kindergartners, it was basically the event of the year. I had invited my MIL to come with me. DH planned to get off work early and meet us there, but MIL was going to ride with me. I can’t remember the exact times anymore, but I needed to pick up my preschooler first. I had asked MIL to come around 12:30 so we could pick up DC together and grab lunch before heading to the parade. If that didn’t work, she could come any time after about 1:30, when I’d be back from preschool pickup, and we’d eat then. Just before 12:30 she texted, “I’m running late. I’m not going to make it by 12:30.” Since she knew I had to leave to get DC, I simply replied, “Okay, see you around 1:30.” So you can imagine my surprise when I pulled up at 1:30, excited to see her there and to go grab food, and instead she was angry that I hadn’t waited for her. Apparently she had arrived sometime after I left and had been sitting in her car, waiting, for nearly an hour. She was furious about it. She seethed through the entire afternoon, gave my completely confused husband the silent treatment, was cold toward DC, and stayed upset about it for months. The part that struck me most was that she truly could not grasp why I couldn’t just wait for her before picking up my child from preschool. The idea that a parent’s schedule might be dictated by their small child’s needs simply didn’t compute. Looking back, it really illustrates something I think about often, that when you’re in the thick of raising young children, your life runs on tight, non-negotiable timelines. To someone outside that phase, especially someone who expects to be centered in the plans, it can expose a surprising amount of emotional neediness and rigidity. It was such an unnecessary, stressful situation that never needed to happen… and one I’ll probably never forget. |
Anonymous
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Giiiirrrrrllllll... I hear you. It's like they all have amnesia. My DH's siblings are considerably older than us and out of this phase.They clearly don't remember it either.
I know it's really, really hard to do but the only thing that has helped me is to de-prioritize my parents and IL's feelings. I am kind and do what I can to help/accommodate them but I say no a lot too. I am direct when something is not going to work for us. And honestly, I'm not super warm and fuzzy with my MIL but she also seems to respect me more than her other DIL's. If they are upset about me saying no, that's a them problem. I can safely say that I'm saying no for a very good reason and I don't need an explanation. We make a big effort to keep family in our kid's lives. It's important. But we also have a household to run and we need to take care of ourselves so we can be the best parents/partners/friends we can be. Oh...and my DH and I have promised to not let the other one act like that if we are lucky enough to be grandparents one day!! Let's learn from their mistakes! |
Anonymous
OP here. This was so kind. Thank you. I can tell by your writing style that you are fun-loving, kind and helpful. Please know if you don’t hear it enough that you are a rare gem! |
Anonymous
| OP I feel you on this so much. I have a C-suite job and two elementary schoolers. My retired parents live two hours away and expect me to be able to pop down for the weekend at least once a month, but they are really only willing to come and visit me for Thanksgiving (though I invite them frequently). |
Anonymous
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Agree w previous poster. De prioritize your parents & in laws. You’re busy. Decent parents who’ve walked the walk won’t take it personal nor demand your time energy and resources. Hopefully the husband of yours is on board. |
Anonymous
| My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives! |
Anonymous
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I have a tiny bandwidth and massive anxiety. So I ignore all the hyperactive, super energetic people who think everyone can do what they can and who judge others for being lazy and unmotivated.
I just like a small life. I refuse to stretch and worsen my severe anxiety disorder, except if it's really needed. There. You don't need to do it all. You don't need to feel guilt or shame if others constantly ask for more. |
Anonymous
| Having a cousins baby shower has nothing to do with them. Stop volunteering I’d you are so busy. |
Anonymous
Maybe the most generous explanation is she's looking for sympathy for how difficult it was? I hope so. Because deliberately raising sons in a home with a Dad not contributing to household management (and day to day parenting?) doesn't really seem all that brag worthy to me. What was she teaching and modelling for her boys? |
Anonymous
Schweppe’s Bitter Lemon, anyone? |
Anonymous
No, she says it proudly to indicate that she’s the one responsible for their success because was the one who mostly raised them. Also to brag about how capable she is- Yes, FIL made more money and she took care of everything else. |
Anonymous
A little harsh but true. You need to stop people pleasing so much, OP. |