S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’
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Anonymous
| Only on DCUM can a grandmother compliment her DIL and be called insincere. |
Anonymous
Not OP, but I think the mother is not bragging so much as talking about how things used to be. Women mostly didn't have help from husbands. That was the norm. So some women think with this "new" brand of helpful husbands women should have it much easier. That said, mothers now have so many more pressures as it pertains to kids. That said, I think it also speaks to something I see regularly. There are some women who simply have more energy and bandwidth, and those things are something that "feeds" their own needs. Some women want to entertain, as an example, and will do whatever it takes to make that happen. Others, like me, have neither the bandwidth nor the desire. |
Anonymous
I don't think this is a DCUM thing, I think it's people who were raised in families where people didn't speak this way. I grew up in the 80s and 90s in a family where people rarely gave earnest compliments and sarcasm was used by all members (including my parents) as a defense mechanism and to shame and establish hierarchies. I've since gotten therapy and healed from that and a lot of other dysfunction in my childhood, and now I can accept a compliment on, for instance, my parenting. BUT I still couldn't accept this from my mom, because decades of sarcasm and meanness would make me assume it was not sincere. I have a different dynamic with my DH and kids now and I feel confident that I could tell my DD or a DIL that they are a wonderful mother and that I support them without it coming off as insincere. |
Anonymous
You are being naive or intentionally obtuse. Dads being helpful is a new phenomenon. |
Anonymous
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I guess I lucked out. Neither my in laws nor my own parents are this way whatsoever.
My parents are young seeming. They’re early to mid 70s, but athletic, busy and have full lives. If anything, I need to nag them to be more involved! My in laws are very nice people and don’t at all want to seem like they “need” anything. They have social lives, but have some health problems that makes getting around more challenging. That said, they don’t ask for anything and refuse help. Which makes it challenging. |
Anonymous
DP but I think it's more complex that that. Dads helping with housework and female-coded parenting activities is pretty new. Stuff like carrying a baby around in a carrier was, until recently, seen as a feminine activity or it was "funny" for a man to do it. Taking kids on errands. Volunteering at school, on the PTA, was similar. That did not mean that dads were not helpful as a rule. There used to be this idea that women were supposed to parent young kids and men were supposed to parent older kids. Discipline was a male area. Setting and enforcing boundaries with teens. Talking to kids about their future plans and careers. These would be considered "hard" parenting skills and thus were coded as male, whereas caring for little kids was viewed as "soft" and coded as female. You also saw this in education -- young children had female teachers but they were more likely to be male as kids advanced through education. This is actually still in place -- men are more likely to be high school teachers than teach younger grades, and many college faculties are still male-dominated especially among tenured ranks. It's interesting to me that you now see more men helping with young kids, doing housework, etc. but I feel like the stuff that used to be up to dads (discipline, guiding and advising into adulthood, helping with finances, etc.,) now gets done more by moms. In general it feels like a lot of men are less mature and less capable of acting as authoritative parents than in prior generations. I think of men I know in the 70s and 80s who, sure, were not changing diapers or do night wake ups with their kids, but had a very helpful and meaningful "dad energy" where they were very obviously involved in their kids' lives, aware of what was going on, and participating fully in their households even if the workloads were allocated by gender. They were still doing a lot, just more male-coded things. |
Anonymous
| I think two things can be true - men of my generation (late 30s) are more helpful with the kids; the women are still the default parent, and we are generally doing that with a FT job which was not always the case a generation or two ago. The jobs with mother's hours or PT seemingly have disappeared. I also think the average job is "harder" today because we are expected to be on 24/7. I long for the old days (2013!) when I didn't have a laptop or a work phone or could work remotely. |
Anonymous
I dunno, I don’t attribute moral failings across generations. I think without the internet we would not be having a lot of these conversations. |
Anonymous
This is a good post |
Anonymous
She said it was "polite fiction." |
Anonymous
The bolded above in particular caught my attention and I think it deserves to be discussed. I think that the PP who does this is incredibly insightful. To ask what the DIL's mother thinks -- to recognize that this younger woman who your son selected as his wife has her own mother -- is to me a sign of sensitivity and respect. It tells the DIL that you are there for her but that you also know the hierarchy. Before everyone comes at me for using the word "hierarchy" please really think about the relationships involved. If the DIL has a healthy relationship with her own mother, she can of course still have a rich and wonderful one with her MIL but the fact will always remain that the DIL's own mother is a slight bit above. It is just the natural order. I think if more MIL's recognized this of their relationships with their DIL's so many of the issues that come up might be averted. |
Anonymous
Yes, but the DIL is asking for her advice. |
Anonymous
You could be my MIL. If you wait to be asked for help, you will never be asked. Dh and I would rather pay and do anything possible rather than beg for help. I can’t imagine having so little self respect that I’d ask for help. I can manage. Luckily my parents offer quickly, or most times they just show up with dinner and offer to help put kids to bed. MIL is so jealous that my parents see my kids more. Once when I was hospitalized, my in-laws told dh that it was good my parents were helping since it was me hospitalized. But when dh went on a 6 week work trip we didn’t hear from them once. My MIL waits to be called and is always pissed she never gets phone calls and doesn’t hear from her grandchildren much. My parents call. We never plan vacations with extended family, but if we’re invited, we always go. (I have gone on trips with in-laws even though I wasn’t consulted whatsoever on dates or locations, but dh and I are easy going). And we don’t mind paying our way. I only have enough time to plan nuclear family vacations. I seriously wonder if the reason they never helped postpartum now was because we didn’t ask for help. I remember dh being very disappointed they didn’t visit. They came right after birth but left before we got home. I think he imagined his mom being there. It didn’t even occur to us to beg her to visit postpartum. |
Anonymous
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I wouldn't expect them to help you, but I also wouldn't feel obligated to entertain them. Let them complain and just do your thing.
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Anonymous
OP your title is quoting me from my post on the other thread! I'm honored 
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