S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read this line in the other post about the DIL who left when she saw her ILs in the driveway, and I honestly teared up out of nowhere. This so succinctly sums up the pressure I feel from both my own parents and my husband’s parents.

I do. So. Much. And it’s never enough. I am constantly working, parenting, cooking, cleaning, planning fun things for my family to do together, making sure kids have everything they need for school, activities, birthday parties, etc. I am always busy and I very rarely make time for myself.

And yes, DH and I think of and connect with and invite and include our parents. A lot. We do a lot for them.

But it’s never enough. They’re always asking, wheedling, whining, demanding more. I am stretched so thin. Even when I’m hosting my parents and throwing my cousin a baby shower, it’s this that this that what about this that can we do can we have. And they have NOTHING to do! Same with my ILs, they do nothing but play Wordle, go to church once a week, and do nothing. When they visit, they don’t lift a single finger and instead just wheedle and whine about wanting more time, can we do this, what about that.

“The DIL is in the busiest chapter of hr life; you have nothing to do.” Why don’t grandparents get this?!?!

Why can't your mom throw the baby shower instead of you? Since they have nothing to do cant they plan some of the fun family activities instead of you?
My MIL was always thinking of group family activities. Those were very nice breaks from our nuclear family routine. I didn't understand it then but I am grateful now for her modeling this behavior.

Moms never seem to plan the showers these days. I plan at least one shower a year and dealing with the boomers is the hardest part. They want to invite ALL their friends, but really I’m just planning the friends shower. I don’t have room for 75 at my house (30 is fine) and I’m not funding a 10k shower at a restaurant. They have so much free time and it boggles my mind that they can’t plan a shower. Even when I was 25 and broke, no mother ever stepped up to help. Let’s have the broke bridemaids plan it. I planned my best friends shower when I was 8m pregnant with my 3rd. Both of her moms commented on how they wished it was bigger and they could have invited more people. Nope- my friends were in charge of the guest list and they wanted their friends, not yours. Sigh.

I never had a wedding shower because my maid of honor was serving overseas and it’s not proper for moms to throw showers. It stung so I never wanted someone else to feel like that before their wedding.

I also didn't have one but got plenty of wedding gifts so NBD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?

Advice/ observations from a mother of sons, MIL and grandmother.

For better or worse, you've had your turn raising children. Your children deserve their turn without your micromanaging.

Please let go of any and all expectations. Let your adult offspring know you'll always offer help and support to the extent of your abilities. But wait for them to ask! Don't intrude. Let them call you, and thank them for the call. Ask them what they want to do for holidays and vacations and be happy with whatever they propose. That doesn't mean you can't decide you're having Thanksgiving at your house this year (for whatever reason) but don't guilt them if they don't come.

Follow their house rules when you visit. Tell them they are wonderful parents. Tell them their children are perfect. Yes, we all know this is a polite fiction but your job is to praise and be supportive unless asked for advice. If DIL asks for advice, pause thoughtfully, and ask what her mother thinks before you say another word. If DIL tells you she doesn't know how on earth you did it all, tell her you had lots and lots of help. You didn't do it on your own. She's the best mother you know.

Don't show up at the hospital for births unless invited. Say you're very excited to visit or to help out whenever they're ready, but wait for that call. When they do call...go asap. Have no opinion on breast vs bottle other than baby looks perfect so obviously being fed correctly.

Don't be competitive or jealous with the other grandparents.

I could go on all day... nice break from wordle. And of course all this advice is for normal kinds of circumstances.

I have a great relationship with my MIL, and I wouldn’t if she were like you, PP. If my MIL told me that I’m the best mother she knows, I’d think she must not know any moms. How could I be the best mom if I’m just starting to be a mom? It’s insincere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They do get it. They've done it already.

Most did not, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?

Advice/ observations from a mother of sons, MIL and grandmother.

For better or worse, you've had your turn raising children. Your children deserve their turn without your micromanaging.

Please let go of any and all expectations. Let your adult offspring know you'll always offer help and support to the extent of your abilities. But wait for them to ask! Don't intrude. Let them call you, and thank them for the call. Ask them what they want to do for holidays and vacations and be happy with whatever they propose. That doesn't mean you can't decide you're having Thanksgiving at your house this year (for whatever reason) but don't guilt them if they don't come.

Follow their house rules when you visit. Tell them they are wonderful parents. Tell them their children are perfect. Yes, we all know this is a polite fiction but your job is to praise and be supportive unless asked for advice. If DIL asks for advice, pause thoughtfully, and ask what her mother thinks before you say another word. If DIL tells you she doesn't know how on earth you did it all, tell her you had lots and lots of help. You didn't do it on your own. She's the best mother you know.

Don't show up at the hospital for births unless invited. Say you're very excited to visit or to help out whenever they're ready, but wait for that call. When they do call...go asap. Have no opinion on breast vs bottle other than baby looks perfect so obviously being fed correctly.

Don't be competitive or jealous with the other grandparents.

I could go on all day... nice break from wordle. And of course all this advice is for normal kinds of circumstances.

I have a great relationship with my MIL, and I wouldn’t if she were like you, PP. If my MIL told me that I’m the best mother she knows, I’d think she must not know any moms. How could I be the best mom if I’m just starting to be a mom? It’s insincere.

+1. I'd be suspicious too. My MIL always said that no one was perfect and that rang true to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!

Maybe the most generous explanation is she's looking for sympathy for how difficult it was? I hope so. Because deliberately raising sons in a home with a Dad not contributing to household management (and day to day parenting?) doesn't really seem all that brag worthy to me. What was she teaching and modelling for her boys?

Do you now know anyone who was married in the 70s? The majority of a father's parenting was fairly limited to bedtime stories and special outings.

I mean, bad ones, sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They do get it. They've done it already.

Agreed. And they did it with less resources/cash and more societal pressure. This generation in the busiest chapter of their life is massively failing in adulting. Mainly because they cannot even take care of their own shit, let alone the kids or the elders.

The MIL generation made sure that even the weakest kid survived by mollycoddling them. As a result, we have the weakest generation boo-hooing about everything now. And the worst of it all, these people have also procreated.

It wasn't more societal pressure. There is definitely more societal pressure on parents today, especially around supervision, attention, and emotional support. The laissez-faire parenting that was standard in the 1970s and 1980s is now considered neglect, and in some cases is illegal. My 8 year old is so annoyed she can't go to the park nearby on her own even though she absolutely is responsible enough to go and to play solo. I would also love to send her. But it's illegal in our municipality and people have called the cops on kids at that specific park for that reason, which is insane. They don't arrest anyone but your kid gets walked home and then you get shamed by the police and whatever ahole neighbor decided to busy body their way into a situation that was not negatively impacting them at all.

So I'm going to go ahead and say there's more societal pressure on parents now.

Link?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!

My MIL who was a SAHM used to do this despite the fact I work FT. She expected me to wait in her hand and foot when she visited and CONSTANTLY criticized my parenting. Everything that went wrong with the kids was my fault and everything that went right was because of her son. Eventually I snapped - badly - and had I been in my rational mind I would have never said this. I said “Yes, you were such a wonderful parent who raised wonderful kids - a spinster who can’t keep a job; a gay son with a revolving door of partners he’s dependent on; and your golden boy who is the only one who managed to reproduce yet is totally dependent on me for health insurance and to pay the mortgage. But, yeah, I should quit my job to be a SAHM, live in poverty without insurance, and wait on you hand and foot. Of course I store the ability to do that in my double X chromosomes”. It was totally mean and unhinged- but it completely changed our relationship for the better. I think she had a heck of a lot more respect for me. Especially since all my siblings (and me) are successful PhDs of some sort. BTW DH took my side - he didn’t have the ability to stand up to his mom.

Wow! You think you won? Marrying a Beta man who you cannot even respect?

It works for some. Remember most men aren’t alphas - are you new here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They do get it. They've done it already.

Agreed. And they did it with less resources/cash and more societal pressure. This generation in the busiest chapter of their life is massively failing in adulting. Mainly because they cannot even take care of their own shit, let alone the kids or the elders.

The MIL generation made sure that even the weakest kid survived by mollycoddling them. As a result, we have the weakest generation boo-hooing about everything now. And the worst of it all, these people have also procreated.

It wasn't more societal pressure. There is definitely more societal pressure on parents today, especially around supervision, attention, and emotional support. The laissez-faire parenting that was standard in the 1970s and 1980s is now considered neglect, and in some cases is illegal. My 8 year old is so annoyed she can't go to the park nearby on her own even though she absolutely is responsible enough to go and to play solo. I would also love to send her. But it's illegal in our municipality and people have called the cops on kids at that specific park for that reason, which is insane. They don't arrest anyone but your kid gets walked home and then you get shamed by the police and whatever ahole neighbor decided to busy body their way into a situation that was not negatively impacting them at all.

So I'm going to go ahead and say there's more societal pressure on parents now.

So true!!! Plus one income is very difficult for a whole family to live a nice MC life so more homes have 2 incomes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They do get it. They've done it already.

Agreed. And they did it with less resources/cash and more societal pressure. This generation in the busiest chapter of their life is massively failing in adulting. Mainly because they cannot even take care of their own shit, let alone the kids or the elders.

The MIL generation made sure that even the weakest kid survived by mollycoddling them. As a result, we have the weakest generation boo-hooing about everything now. And the worst of it all, these people have also procreated.

It wasn't more societal pressure. There is definitely more societal pressure on parents today, especially around supervision, attention, and emotional support. The laissez-faire parenting that was standard in the 1970s and 1980s is now considered neglect, and in some cases is illegal. My 8 year old is so annoyed she can't go to the park nearby on her own even though she absolutely is responsible enough to go and to play solo. I would also love to send her. But it's illegal in our municipality and people have called the cops on kids at that specific park for that reason, which is insane. They don't arrest anyone but your kid gets walked home and then you get shamed by the police and whatever ahole neighbor decided to busy body their way into a situation that was not negatively impacting them at all.

So I'm going to go ahead and say there's more societal pressure on parents now.

Link?

Don't have a link to the law but it's one of the places mentioned in this blog post: https://letgrow.org/children-age-10-and-up-can-play-outside-unsupervised-why-let-grow-opposes-age-limits/

[Anonymous]

My parents aren't local and I'm pulling teeth trying to get them to get out of the house since my Dad retired. I found exercise programs, a church that's a good fit for them, senior activities, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this line in the other post about the DIL who left when she saw her ILs in the driveway, and I honestly teared up out of nowhere. This so succinctly sums up the pressure I feel from both my own parents and my husband’s parents.

I do. So. Much. And it’s never enough. I am constantly working, parenting, cooking, cleaning, planning fun things for my family to do together, making sure kids have everything they need for school, activities, birthday parties, etc. I am always busy and I very rarely make time for myself.

And yes, DH and I think of and connect with and invite and include our parents. A lot. We do a lot for them.

But it’s never enough. They’re always asking, wheedling, whining, demanding more. I am stretched so thin. Even when I’m hosting my parents and throwing my cousin a baby shower, it’s this that this that what about this that can we do can we have. And they have NOTHING to do! Same with my ILs, they do nothing but play Wordle, go to church once a week, and do nothing. When they visit, they don’t lift a single finger and instead just wheedle and whine about wanting more time, can we do this, what about that.

“The DIL is in the busiest chapter of hr life; you have nothing to do.” Why don’t grandparents get this?!?!

Stop doing so much for your parents and in-laws. They don’t appreciate you so why waste your effort? Focus on your nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may be crazy, but I am jumping into this post. I am a grandmother and I have more than a few friends who are also grandparents. I only can speak for those of us who have local grandchildren. We all are upperclass 60+, some retired and some not. Everyone I know is helping with childcare on a weekly basis. Personally, I watch my grandchild just under 40 hours a week and promised to keep this schedule for a year until she has the majority of her vaccinations. In my circle, this situation is the norm not the exception.

+1. I would totally do this if my grandchildren were local. We help sit for our local grandnieces.

Why have you not moved to your grandchildren? It’s much easier for retirees to move than children with demanding jobs.

We’re not retired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?

Advice/ observations from a mother of sons, MIL and grandmother.

For better or worse, you've had your turn raising children. Your children deserve their turn without your micromanaging.

Please let go of any and all expectations. Let your adult offspring know you'll always offer help and support to the extent of your abilities. But wait for them to ask! Don't intrude. Let them call you, and thank them for the call. Ask them what they want to do for holidays and vacations and be happy with whatever they propose. That doesn't mean you can't decide you're having Thanksgiving at your house this year (for whatever reason) but don't guilt them if they don't come.

Follow their house rules when you visit. Tell them they are wonderful parents. Tell them their children are perfect. Yes, we all know this is a polite fiction but your job is to praise and be supportive unless asked for advice. If DIL asks for advice, pause thoughtfully, and ask what her mother thinks before you say another word. If DIL tells you she doesn't know how on earth you did it all, tell her you had lots and lots of help. You didn't do it on your own. She's the best mother you know.

Don't show up at the hospital for births unless invited. Say you're very excited to visit or to help out whenever they're ready, but wait for that call. When they do call...go asap. Have no opinion on breast vs bottle other than baby looks perfect so obviously being fed correctly.

Don't be competitive or jealous with the other grandparents.

I could go on all day... nice break from wordle. And of course all this advice is for normal kinds of circumstances.

I have a great relationship with my MIL, and I wouldn’t if she were like you, PP. If my MIL told me that I’m the best mother she knows, I’d think she must not know any moms. How could I be the best mom if I’m just starting to be a mom? It’s insincere.

I appreciate your thoughts and will take it under advisement. Thank you.

Fwiw, DIL gets plenty of *mostly* constructive criticism on her parenting from her mom, sisters, close cousins and a fairly judgemental nanny. So I deliberately provide a counter balance. And to be honest, she is the best mother I know for her stage of life. So not really insincere.

[Anonymous]

ps I think our relationship is okay. She calls me mom, asks for advice, help in emergencies, sometimes extends visits to my house because she's having a good time, sends me unsolicited grandchildren updates every weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?

Advice/ observations from a mother of sons, MIL and grandmother.

For better or worse, you've had your turn raising children. Your children deserve their turn without your micromanaging.

Please let go of any and all expectations. Let your adult offspring know you'll always offer help and support to the extent of your abilities. But wait for them to ask! Don't intrude. Let them call you, and thank them for the call. Ask them what they want to do for holidays and vacations and be happy with whatever they propose. That doesn't mean you can't decide you're having Thanksgiving at your house this year (for whatever reason) but don't guilt them if they don't come.

Follow their house rules when you visit. Tell them they are wonderful parents. Tell them their children are perfect. Yes, we all know this is a polite fiction but your job is to praise and be supportive unless asked for advice. If DIL asks for advice, pause thoughtfully, and ask what her mother thinks before you say another word. If DIL tells you she doesn't know how on earth you did it all, tell her you had lots and lots of help. You didn't do it on your own. She's the best mother you know.

Don't show up at the hospital for births unless invited. Say you're very excited to visit or to help out whenever they're ready, but wait for that call. When they do call...go asap. Have no opinion on breast vs bottle other than baby looks perfect so obviously being fed correctly.

Don't be competitive or jealous with the other grandparents.

I could go on all day... nice break from wordle. And of course all this advice is for normal kinds of circumstances.

I have a great relationship with my MIL, and I wouldn’t if she were like you, PP. If my MIL told me that I’m the best mother she knows, I’d think she must not know any moms. How could I be the best mom if I’m just starting to be a mom? It’s insincere.

PP is totally insincere or sarcastic.