S/O: ‘The DIL is in the busiest chapter of her life; you have nothing to do’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this line in the other post about the DIL who left when she saw her ILs in the driveway, and I honestly teared up out of nowhere. This so succinctly sums up the pressure I feel from both my own parents and my husband’s parents.

I do. So. Much. And it’s never enough. I am constantly working, parenting, cooking, cleaning, planning fun things for my family to do together, making sure kids have everything they need for school, activities, birthday parties, etc. I am always busy and I very rarely make time for myself.

And yes, DH and I think of and connect with and invite and include our parents. A lot. We do a lot for them.

But it’s never enough. They’re always asking, wheedling, whining, demanding more. I am stretched so thin. Even when I’m hosting my parents and throwing my cousin a baby shower, it’s this that this that what about this that can we do can we have. And they have NOTHING to do! Same with my ILs, they do nothing but play Wordle, go to church once a week, and do nothing. When they visit, they don’t lift a single finger and instead just wheedle and whine about wanting more time, can we do this, what about that.

“The DIL is in the busiest chapter of hr life; you have nothing to do.” Why don’t grandparents get this?!?!

Why can't your mom throw the baby shower instead of you? Since they have nothing to do cant they plan some of the fun family activities instead of you?
My MIL was always thinking of group family activities. Those were very nice breaks from our nuclear family routine. I didn't understand it then but I am grateful now for her modeling this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this line in the other post about the DIL who left when she saw her ILs in the driveway, and I honestly teared up out of nowhere. This so succinctly sums up the pressure I feel from both my own parents and my husband’s parents.

I do. So. Much. And it’s never enough. I am constantly working, parenting, cooking, cleaning, planning fun things for my family to do together, making sure kids have everything they need for school, activities, birthday parties, etc. I am always busy and I very rarely make time for myself.

And yes, DH and I think of and connect with and invite and include our parents. A lot. We do a lot for them.

But it’s never enough. They’re always asking, wheedling, whining, demanding more. I am stretched so thin. Even when I’m hosting my parents and throwing my cousin a baby shower, it’s this that this that what about this that can we do can we have. And they have NOTHING to do! Same with my ILs, they do nothing but play Wordle, go to church once a week, and do nothing. When they visit, they don’t lift a single finger and instead just wheedle and whine about wanting more time, can we do this, what about that.

“The DIL is in the busiest chapter of hr life; you have nothing to do.” Why don’t grandparents get this?!?!

Wow. If you're this much of a martyr now, it will be worse when you're older, have less to do, and can be a full-time martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read this line in the other post about the DIL who left when she saw her ILs in the driveway, and I honestly teared up out of nowhere. This so succinctly sums up the pressure I feel from both my own parents and my husband’s parents.

I do. So. Much. And it’s never enough. I am constantly working, parenting, cooking, cleaning, planning fun things for my family to do together, making sure kids have everything they need for school, activities, birthday parties, etc. I am always busy and I very rarely make time for myself.

And yes, DH and I think of and connect with and invite and include our parents. A lot. We do a lot for them.

But it’s never enough. They’re always asking, wheedling, whining, demanding more. I am stretched so thin. Even when I’m hosting my parents and throwing my cousin a baby shower, it’s this that this that what about this that can we do can we have. And they have NOTHING to do! Same with my ILs, they do nothing but play Wordle, go to church once a week, and do nothing. When they visit, they don’t lift a single finger and instead just wheedle and whine about wanting more time, can we do this, what about that.

“The DIL is in the busiest chapter of hr life; you have nothing to do.” Why don’t grandparents get this?!?!

Why can't your mom throw the baby shower instead of you? Since they have nothing to do cant they plan some of the fun family activities instead of you?
My MIL was always thinking of group family activities. Those were very nice breaks from our nuclear family routine. I didn't understand it then but I am grateful now for her modeling this behavior.

Or why can't your cousin's mom or siblings do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Isn’t it validating?

Our school used to put on a huge parade for the kindergartners, it was basically the event of the year. I had invited my MIL to come with me. DH planned to get off work early and meet us there, but MIL was going to ride with me.

I can’t remember the exact times anymore, but I needed to pick up my preschooler first. I had asked MIL to come around 12:30 so we could pick up DC together and grab lunch before heading to the parade. If that didn’t work, she could come any time after about 1:30, when I’d be back from preschool pickup, and we’d eat then.

Just before 12:30 she texted, “I’m running late. I’m not going to make it by 12:30.” Since she knew I had to leave to get DC, I simply replied, “Okay, see you around 1:30.” So you can imagine my surprise when I pulled up at 1:30, excited to see her there and to go grab food, and instead she was angry that I hadn’t waited for her. Apparently she had arrived sometime after I left and had been sitting in her car, waiting, for nearly an hour.

She was furious about it. She seethed through the entire afternoon, gave my completely confused husband the silent treatment, was cold toward DC, and stayed upset about it for months.

The part that struck me most was that she truly could not grasp why I couldn’t just wait for her before picking up my child from preschool. The idea that a parent’s schedule might be dictated by their small child’s needs simply didn’t compute. Looking back, it really illustrates something I think about often, that when you’re in the thick of raising young children, your life runs on tight, non-negotiable timelines. To someone outside that phase, especially someone who expects to be centered in the plans, it can expose a surprising amount of emotional neediness and rigidity.

It was such an unnecessary, stressful situation that never needed to happen… and one I’ll probably never forget.

Was she chronically late to pick up her children when she was a mom?
To me, being on time to pick up a child should be an obvious non-negotiable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!

Maybe the most generous explanation is she's looking for sympathy for how difficult it was? I hope so. Because deliberately raising sons in a home with a Dad not contributing to household management (and day to day parenting?) doesn't really seem all that brag worthy to me. What was she teaching and modelling for her boys?

No, she says it proudly to indicate that she’s the one responsible for their success because was the one who mostly raised them.

Also to brag about how capable she is- Yes, FIL made more money and she took care of everything else.

Okay. Just wanted to give her some grace and benefit of doubt. She's exceptionally unselfaware. You really shouldn't let her opinions bother you if you can help it. If you maintain self control and aren't snarky, you're truly amazing.

I'm an old MIL living in a world of extremely competent and high achieving MILs. Her behavior is rather amusing to me, but I don't have to deal with it. My sympathies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Isn’t it validating?

Our school used to put on a huge parade for the kindergartners, it was basically the event of the year. I had invited my MIL to come with me. DH planned to get off work early and meet us there, but MIL was going to ride with me.

I can’t remember the exact times anymore, but I needed to pick up my preschooler first. I had asked MIL to come around 12:30 so we could pick up DC together and grab lunch before heading to the parade. If that didn’t work, she could come any time after about 1:30, when I’d be back from preschool pickup, and we’d eat then.

Just before 12:30 she texted, “I’m running late. I’m not going to make it by 12:30.” Since she knew I had to leave to get DC, I simply replied, “Okay, see you around 1:30.” So you can imagine my surprise when I pulled up at 1:30, excited to see her there and to go grab food, and instead she was angry that I hadn’t waited for her. Apparently she had arrived sometime after I left and had been sitting in her car, waiting, for nearly an hour.

She was furious about it. She seethed through the entire afternoon, gave my completely confused husband the silent treatment, was cold toward DC, and stayed upset about it for months.

The part that struck me most was that she truly could not grasp why I couldn’t just wait for her before picking up my child from preschool. The idea that a parent’s schedule might be dictated by their small child’s needs simply didn’t compute. Looking back, it really illustrates something I think about often, that when you’re in the thick of raising young children, your life runs on tight, non-negotiable timelines. To someone outside that phase, especially someone who expects to be centered in the plans, it can expose a surprising amount of emotional neediness and rigidity.

It was such an unnecessary, stressful situation that never needed to happen… and one I’ll probably never forget.

Did you post about this at the time? This sounds familiar and I remember being so annoyed at that MIL, as I am again upon reading this post. So clueless and self-obsessed.

OP of this thread, I encourage you to trim where you can and give up some of the feeling of responsibility for the grandparents’ happiness. You count too. You matter too.

I wonder if the previous generation really had it the same. Were their parents really expecting to be so involved in everything, did they insist on so much attention and inclusion?

People who are retired cannot expect others to fill up their now-emptier dance cards. The PP who said her retired parents live two hours away but expect her to visit at least once a month, even though she has elementary-aged kids and works full time—her parents sound incredibly selfish. And I hope she pushed back and doesn’t go once a month, when she’s invited her parents to come stay with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!

My MIL who was a SAHM used to do this despite the fact I work FT. She expected me to wait in her hand and foot when she visited and CONSTANTLY criticized my parenting. Everything that went wrong with the kids was my fault and everything that went right was because of her son. Eventually I snapped - badly - and had I been in my rational mind I would have never said this. I said “Yes, you were such a wonderful parent who raised wonderful kids - a spinster who can’t keep a job; a gay son with a revolving door of partners he’s dependent on; and your golden boy who is the only one who managed to reproduce yet is totally dependent on me for health insurance and to pay the mortgage. But, yeah, I should quit my job to be a SAHM, live in poverty without insurance, and wait on you hand and foot. Of course I store the ability to do that in my double X chromosomes”. It was totally mean and unhinged- but it completely changed our relationship for the better. I think she had a heck of a lot more respect for me. Especially since all my siblings (and me) are successful PhDs of some sort. BTW DH took my side - he didn’t have the ability to stand up to his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They do get it. They've done it already.

Agreed. And they did it with less resources/cash and more societal pressure. This generation in the busiest chapter of their life is massively failing in adulting. Mainly because they cannot even take care of their own shit, let alone the kids or the elders.

The MIL generation made sure that even the weakest kid survived by mollycoddling them. As a result, we have the weakest generation boo-hooing about everything now. And the worst of it all, these people have also procreated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!

My MIL who was a SAHM used to do this despite the fact I work FT. She expected me to wait in her hand and foot when she visited and CONSTANTLY criticized my parenting. Everything that went wrong with the kids was my fault and everything that went right was because of her son. Eventually I snapped - badly - and had I been in my rational mind I would have never said this. I said “Yes, you were such a wonderful parent who raised wonderful kids - a spinster who can’t keep a job; a gay son with a revolving door of partners he’s dependent on; and your golden boy who is the only one who managed to reproduce yet is totally dependent on me for health insurance and to pay the mortgage. But, yeah, I should quit my job to be a SAHM, live in poverty without insurance, and wait on you hand and foot. Of course I store the ability to do that in my double X chromosomes”. It was totally mean and unhinged- but it completely changed our relationship for the better. I think she had a heck of a lot more respect for me. Especially since all my siblings (and me) are successful PhDs of some sort. BTW DH took my side - he didn’t have the ability to stand up to his mom.

Wow! You think you won? Marrying a Beta man who you cannot even respect?

[Anonymous]

This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?

[Anonymous]

The above situation with running late has happened to me so many times with my mom. I pulled up with my little kids in tow to take her with us to an event. Three minutes late. She is standing on the sidewalk in front of her house, livid because she is “freezing” and I left her out in the cold for three minutes. She doesn’t own a cell phone. Sorry about that diaper blowout, I didn’t mean to do it! And why are you waiting out in the cold in the first place?

[Anonymous]

My ILs complain that we don’t fly to see them more often with our three young kids and limited work vacation and school break time insisting they took young kids on planes many times and it was fine and never a problem . But they can’t get in a plane because it’s too uncomfortable at their age. Also if we stay there there’s not enough beds for us to sleep in because they can’t be bothered to clean out an office full of 50 year old clutter. Honestly I think boomers are just completely self absorbed. I remember my grandmother who was a nurse travelling from house to house of her six kids across the east coast to help take care of any sick grandkids. Boomers just still think the world revolves around them and don’t care whether or not they are helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a great thread. Thank you for posting it OP.

Ok, both my kids are in college now so there is probably many years ahead still until they hopefully settle down and have kids. But everyone here has got me thinking. What would the ideal relationship between ILs/parents and their adult children with families be or involve? I can think of some things but I'm sure I am missing many others:

1. the obvious things like not putting extra pressure on DIL/Son-in-law/adult children to visit us, host me, call, etc. etc.
2. if living in close proximity, offer to babysit and as grandkids grow older offer to have them come for sleepovers
3. again, if living close enough, offer to help with any carpooling
4. if not living in close proximity, offer to take grandkids for a week+ over the summer; again, help with babysitting

In a different vein, I can see the following should also be on this list:
5. remember how hard it really is to raise young kids, balance work and home life and all the things that all of that involves
6. really try to not have unfair expectations of your DIL/Son-in-law/adult children expecting them to fit us in to their busy schedules just because we "are here!"; instead the goal is to add value to their lives when we visit
7. remember that as much as we all love one another remember that on a day-to-day basis, parents to grown adults with families are just not as relevant anymore and that that is okay - it is just the cycle of life

What else?

Hmmm...I have told my ACs that my obligations to them as a parent are -
- paying for EVERYTHING from birth to them getting a job.
- paying for EVERYTHING during the college and med/business/law school years so that they can start life debt-free. They don't have to work parttime to pay for stuff.
- paying for 1st new car.
- paying for setting up the first apartment completely
- paying for the first professional wardrobe and accessories before starting their professional career.
- giving seed money of 20K to invest
- paying entirely for their wedding and the multiple pre-wedding events and post-wedding events. And they get to keep all the gifts and invest all the money they got as gifts. They don't have to pay for anything for the wedding from their gifts.
- keeping them on our medical insurance till they are 25
- letting them stay at our home (not charging for room and board) - indefinitely.

And then...
- If we do anything for them or their children - it is the strength of our relationship and their behavior towards us.
- We do not expect them to take care of us because we are set as far as retirement finances and details are concerned.

The truth is that I have given them as much leg up as I can give. But if they are grown up enough to have sex, get married, have kids or get a job (any of these four things) - we do not owe them anything more.

We don't need them, but they sure do need us. They need our support, our time, our labor, our money (which they think is their inheritance)

How they will treat us in the future, especially when an outsider is married to them, we have no idea. So, I have no reason to depend on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Isn’t it validating?

Our school used to put on a huge parade for the kindergartners, it was basically the event of the year. I had invited my MIL to come with me. DH planned to get off work early and meet us there, but MIL was going to ride with me.

I can’t remember the exact times anymore, but I needed to pick up my preschooler first. I had asked MIL to come around 12:30 so we could pick up DC together and grab lunch before heading to the parade. If that didn’t work, she could come any time after about 1:30, when I’d be back from preschool pickup, and we’d eat then.

Just before 12:30 she texted, “I’m running late. I’m not going to make it by 12:30.” Since she knew I had to leave to get DC, I simply replied, “Okay, see you around 1:30.” So you can imagine my surprise when I pulled up at 1:30, excited to see her there and to go grab food, and instead she was angry that I hadn’t waited for her. Apparently she had arrived sometime after I left and had been sitting in her car, waiting, for nearly an hour.

She was furious about it. She seethed through the entire afternoon, gave my completely confused husband the silent treatment, was cold toward DC, and stayed upset about it for months.

The part that struck me most was that she truly could not grasp why I couldn’t just wait for her before picking up my child from preschool. The idea that a parent’s schedule might be dictated by their small child’s needs simply didn’t compute. Looking back, it really illustrates something I think about often, that when you’re in the thick of raising young children, your life runs on tight, non-negotiable timelines. To someone outside that phase, especially someone who expects to be centered in the plans, it can expose a surprising amount of emotional neediness and rigidity.

It was such an unnecessary, stressful situation that never needed to happen… and one I’ll probably never forget.

Did you post about this at the time? This sounds familiar and I remember being so annoyed at that MIL, as I am again upon reading this post. So clueless and self-obsessed.

OP of this thread, I encourage you to trim where you can and give up some of the feeling of responsibility for the grandparents’ happiness. You count too. You matter too.

I wonder if the previous generation really had it the same. Were their parents really expecting to be so involved in everything, did they insist on so much attention and inclusion?

People who are retired cannot expect others to fill up their now-emptier dance cards. The PP who said her retired parents live two hours away but expect her to visit at least once a month, even though she has elementary-aged kids and works full time—her parents sound incredibly selfish. And I hope she pushed back and doesn’t go once a month, when she’s invited her parents to come stay with her.

No, no they did not. I had this discussion with my own parents (not local so the relationship is different) after yet another frustrating school open house right before school started this year. At these things, you can drop off your kids’ school supplies, see their classrooms, introduce yourself to the teacher, sign up for the PTA in the lobby, etc. It’s crowded. There are all the school kids there plus parents, and sometimes younger siblings especially in the younger grades. We don’t also need grandma grandpa great uncle Bob and retired Mrs. Larla from down the street there with every family, taking up room in the classrooms that are already crowded with 28 4th graders, never mind their parents.

Despite being local and one set being retired, I didn’t think my grandparents would come to anything like that when I was a kid. I have no memory of them at my back to school nights, or daytime recitals/concerts or assemblies or even most evening kid events. And my parents said as much! The Greatest Generation and older Silent Gens were DONE. Going to a kid’s mid-day whatever would have cut into bridge club or coffee at McDonalds or Bible study! Plus one set of grandparents was younger and was still working until I was in middle school anyway. Visiting was for weekends. They didn’t particularly want to be included in little kids stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My retired MIL takes every opportunity to remind me of how she raised two successful sons without hardly any help from anyone including my FIL, worked full time, cooked everything from scratch and hosted regular parties for friends and relatives!

Maybe the most generous explanation is she's looking for sympathy for how difficult it was? I hope so. Because deliberately raising sons in a home with a Dad not contributing to household management (and day to day parenting?) doesn't really seem all that brag worthy to me. What was she teaching and modelling for her boys?

Do you now know anyone who was married in the 70s? The majority of a father's parenting was fairly limited to bedtime stories and special outings.