Poll: What killed the sex life with your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Spouse stopped seeing me, caring about who I am, never cared about my goals/dreams. Went to zero emotional intimacy, but maybe it wasn’t even fantastic to begin with. Then he let himself go. Then we started arguing about politics and I realized we have completely different values. He gives zero effort and shut down my (albeit humble) attempts to reconnect. It’ll probably kill more than our sex life in the end. I’m still attractive, fun, and interesting. He just DGAF anymore and then acts shocked when I tell him I’m unhappy, which I have done maybe every 9 months for the last 3 years.

Attractive, fun, and interesting, huh? Should have added modest as well. And before you reply with "I am just being honest", consider if your DH would post that he is also still attractive, fun, and interesting.

You post that he let himself go. To what extent? Likely, your DH is not in the same shape he was when you got married. However, are you in the same shape you were when you got married?

There are likely several reasons why he "DGAF anymore" that you have not listed. Hypocrisy kills marriages as well.

[Anonymous]

I would have thought more people would just respond that it’s because their hormonal desire is low. Statistically, the majority of women dont have natural day to day drive. I’d assume that’s the driving factor in the majority of cases, and all the other things above are just “excuses” that are covering up for the fact that you’re not naturally horny anymore.

I think you are mistaken about women …

I got divorced in my mid-50s, and was surprised how many divorced women were very much DTF when they had no physical contact with their ex-DHs for years before they divorced. Their drive is there, but it is not focused on their husbands.

[Anonymous]

My DH’s mental illness and big slowdown in his drive. He would say that life got busy, kids, etc., but in the old days he would’ve found a way. Not so much anymore. I am one of those menopausal women who actually had an increase in drive. I love him, but we are very mismatched sexually and not sure how that will pan out for the long-term.

[Anonymous]

They never wanted to stop loving you, but…

[Anonymous]

I was never really much into it (low drive). I just sort of faked it when I first met DH; we married w/in a year and I got pregnant almost immediately.

Used pregnancy as an excuse to not do it. 2nd was wanted but happened surprisingly soon after. Got another 9 month reprieve.

After that, just focused on kids, kept busy, and mostly just put off DH’s advances for years (he is very patient lol). I’d be fine if I never had “it” again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine not having sex over politics. I bet this is only a concern for one type of person.

The majority of women who identify as liberal admit struggling with mental illness. Pew compiled the research.

[Anonymous]

Female. Drive is still there more than ever but not for him

I did all the compromising: where he wanted to live, how many kids, when to buy a house

Followed him for his job yet I was always able to find one too wherever we went (even overseas!) and kept full-time job/career as well as being a mother

Despite going where he wanted/doing what he wanted, he floundered professionally and socially even when we were in places I hadn’t chosen to go and I flourished professionally and socially

Controlled everything I did

He Cared about my physical appearance but didn’t care about his own physical appearance while I always made efforts to stay attractive

Basically felt like I made huge efforts to be a team, was nice, thrived domestically and as a mother while also having a career. Wanted us to grow our finances, goals etc together. He wanted a unilateral dictatorship with zero effort in the seduction area.

Found men who cared about their physical appearance. It was as simple as that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age. Just not as horned up as I used to be.

Same - for both of us, but it works that way!

[Anonymous]

1000%

Spouse doesn’t talk to you/distracted/on phone too much or doesn’t listen


As a mother of three young kids, I'm also exhausted but husband wants it whenever but doesn't put in the work to be emotionally connected to any of us but expects me to turn it on whenever he pleases

[Anonymous]

Spouse emotionally detached/distant and let himself go. For my part, age and drinking less contribute to lower libido.

[Anonymous]

Spouse doesn't seem to care about me as a person. The only attention I seem to receive is a boob or butt grab when he wants something. I've expressed repeatedly a desire for more communication and date nights and that goes unheard.

Then spouse has gone all in to a travel sport with our 9 year old, like he thinks the kid will be a prospect (kid is good but not a stud). So now I feel like he's an idiot too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Spouse stopped seeing me, caring about who I am, never cared about my goals/dreams. Went to zero emotional intimacy, but maybe it wasn’t even fantastic to begin with. Then he let himself go. Then we started arguing about politics and I realized we have completely different values. He gives zero effort and shut down my (albeit humble) attempts to reconnect. It’ll probably kill more than our sex life in the end. I’m still attractive, fun, and interesting. He just DGAF anymore and then acts shocked when I tell him I’m unhappy, which I have done maybe every 9 months for the last 3 years.

Attractive, fun, and interesting, huh? Should have added modest as well. And before you reply with "I am just being honest", consider if your DH would post that he is also still attractive, fun, and interesting.

You post that he let himself go. To what extent? Likely, your DH is not in the same shape he was when you got married. However, are you in the same shape you were when you got married?

There are likely several reasons why he "DGAF anymore" that you have not listed. Hypocrisy kills marriages as well.

You and I both know that if I didn’t type what you bolded that you’d come back and say I was fat and ugly and boring.

I’m still in great shape post children. I have progressively upped my skincare game, still get hair cuts and color, etc. He gained 30lbs and does nothing to maintain his hair or skin. He’s become more close minded as we age. I am still adventurous and have suggested things for inside and outside the bedroom only to be shot down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse doesn't seem to care about me as a person. The only attention I seem to receive is a boob or butt grab when he wants something. I've expressed repeatedly a desire for more communication and date nights and that goes unheard.

Then spouse has gone all in to a travel sport with our 9 year old, like he thinks the kid will be a prospect (kid is good but not a stud). So now I feel like he's an idiot too.

Similar situation. The more life experiences I have, the more I’m convinced men don’t see women as multi-dimensional humans. Men are boring as hell.

[Anonymous]

Peri-menopause, depression, work and kid stress, pulled away into work and meaningless distractions. Projecting my issues into him. Stopped taking care of myself. Should go see someone but just haven't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rank these in order of the ones that you think contributed to it and add anything that was missed:

1) Resentment over things spouse doesn’t do (chores, parenting, etc)
2) Spouse doesn’t talk to you/distracted/on phone too much or doesn’t listen.
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Distant 3) Spouse is bad at sex

Many of his bad habits, maladaptive reactions, and anger issues are partly driven by his now-diagnosed mental disorders and lack of effort in treating them. He'd rather blame everyone else.