Update. Most of you were right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is awful. Two thoughts:

1) if this was going to happen, glad it happened now before she had more access, info, pictures, etc. You would feel worse if she crossed this boundary a year from now. Now you can still make a clean break.

2) you have a wonderful new child with whom you can establish a loving and protective relationship. Remember that your daughter is safe and your focus should be on your well being so you can be a good mom.

Lastly, please don’t guilt yourself if your joy is overshadowed right now. You have your whole life to enjoy your child. Many, many people have a crappy postpartum experience for some reason or another, and it does not define you.

This OP - wishing you all the best.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you local? I wish I could bring you some muffins and adopt you bc you deserve a much better mother than the one you have.

[Anonymous]

Don’t allow her access to your kid. She seems like the type to sue for grandparents rights and if you give her access or accept financial support, she’ll use it against you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t allow her access to your kid. She seems like the type to sue for grandparents rights and if you give her access or accept financial support, she’ll use it against you.[/quote

+1 and for this reason I would follow 15:15's advise and report this so it can be documented in your medical file in case she ever tries to gain rights. Having the abuse documented- and that your mother was aware and allowed it to happen- will lessen the possibility she could ever get unsupervised visits.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. My brother abused me as a child (though not sexually) and my parents were aware and pretended it wasn’t happening. To this day they cannot admit it and respond with anger, even though he became a violent, permanently unemployed adult with various mental health diagnoses so it’s very clear I was not making it up.

I was no contact with my mother for a decade once I confronted all this in therapy. I will never forgive her. It took me a very long time to grieve the loss and understanding I never had a mother who cared enough about me to take my side and protect me. Start this process as soon as you’re able with a therapist. Cut all contact with your mother and join online support groups for others who’ve done so so that you can stay strong. Block her number, block her email, block on social media, and ask your husband to check the mail and just throw away anything from her without telling you.

You are protecting your daughter. This is not your fault. Your daughter will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry, OP. My brother abused me as a child (though not sexually) and my parents were aware and pretended it wasn’t happening. To this day they cannot admit it and respond with anger, even though he became a violent, permanently unemployed adult with various mental health diagnoses so it’s very clear I was not making it up.

I was no contact with my mother for a decade once I confronted all this in therapy. I will never forgive her. It took me a very long time to grieve the loss and understanding I never had a mother who cared enough about me to take my side and protect me. Start this process as soon as you’re able with a therapist. Cut all contact with your mother and join online support groups for others who’ve done so so that you can stay strong. Block her number, block her email, block on social media, and ask your husband to check the mail and just throw away anything from her without telling you.

You are protecting your daughter. This is not your fault. Your daughter will be fine.

NP. I just want to say I'm sorry you experienced this. We're members of a club no one wants to be in. I understand why you will never forgive her and will join you in saying "F you!" to anyone who says you should!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry that she did not respect your wishes OP.

Your own mothers betrayal on the day(s) that you become one yourself is a deep wound. She has chosen, and you need to choose your family now. I would also caution against the thinking that you couldnt protect your own child. This is about you and your mother. Now you know who you need to protect yourself from. And by protecting yourself, you protect your child(ren).

Wishing you a safe and swift recovery from your c-section/delivery.

Thank you. My mother has been letting me downy whole life in various ways but this one does feel like a wound and the tears are overwhelming if I let myself think about it. The hormone shift and broken sleep doesn't help but I think I used to make a lot of excuses for her- and try to justify some of her behavior to me. But her knowing why we had this boundary in place and putting herself first and not thinking of me or this baby during this time is heartbreaking. The mom I wanted to have was never going to be. It's crazy because I look at this little 10 day old and never want her to feel discomfort or hurt and I can't imagine doing/saying the things my mother have throughout my life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be upset but it was only a matter of time before she mentioned a grandchild to him. You say it would have been better earlier during pregnancy, and you also say you wanted it later. But regardless, he was going to find out. I would not excuse your mother but it sounds like you knew he would find out so this is really a matter of timing and higher emotions. Its very hard to hide the existence of a child from a relative if another is speaking to them regularly. I would block your brother from contacting you. That would have solved the issue of you hearing from him.

DH kept saying that during pregnancy that even without my mom someone would tag a photo or something. Or eventually they would talk to so and so and people don't think to not say something. I don't know what I would have wanted. I think I expected if my mom wasn't going to respect this boundary she would have done so earlier during pregnancy? Her timing just hurts so much more and feels hate filled whether it is or not. My brother has been blocked - he texted from a different # and signed off with his name. He wanted to make sure I knew it was him and he knew. Even his text you should have told me. When we haven't spoken in years and he knows why

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is awful. Two thoughts:

1) if this was going to happen, glad it happened now before she had more access, info, pictures, etc. You would feel worse if she crossed this boundary a year from now. Now you can still make a clean break.

2) you have a wonderful new child with whom you can establish a loving and protective relationship. Remember that your daughter is safe and your focus should be on your well being so you can be a good mom.

Lastly, please don’t guilt yourself if your joy is overshadowed right now. You have your whole life to enjoy your child. Many, many people have a crappy postpartum experience for some reason or another, and it does not define you.

Thank you so much for this. I'm really holding on to #1 right now. You're right the timing hurts but if this had happened a year from now or later and DD would have known her in some capacity and then I had to cut her off it would be harder and she would have then had photos and info she wouldn't hesitate sharing. And I'm hung up on the photos. The thought that my brother saw me in a sexual way at that age I just can't stomach him knowing what she looks like at any stage.

This baby is an absolute joy and I'm being very careful of when I can let myself think about this. I don't want it to overshadow this time with her. I think that's what hurt so much is that instead of just thinking about this baby my mother made this scenario where I'm in the hospital now crying yet again over her disappointing me and that felt so unfair in the moment. The following texts about how I have to understand her right as a grandparent....I was seeing red but also holding this tiny human we waited so long for and feeling like I had let her down. I know logically I haven't. And I'll continue to work on it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry. This just reads like a huge punch in the gut for you. My suggestion is that you cut off your mom completely since she cannot maintain boundaries.

That is exactly how it feels. Oh yes. This feels very much like grieving a death. Although mY e not her specifically but the hope/thought I had for who she could be or change and that being in the child's life would motivate her to do that? I should have known and I do now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is awful. Two thoughts:

1) if this was going to happen, glad it happened now before she had more access, info, pictures, etc. You would feel worse if she crossed this boundary a year from now. Now you can still make a clean break.

2) you have a wonderful new child with whom you can establish a loving and protective relationship. Remember that your daughter is safe and your focus should be on your well being so you can be a good mom.

Lastly, please don’t guilt yourself if your joy is overshadowed right now. You have your whole life to enjoy your child. Many, many people have a crappy postpartum experience for some reason or another, and it does not define you.

THIS THIS THIS! Blessing in disguise, OP!

Thank you. Yes I'm holding on to this right now so hard. At least she has no information and I think only one photo DH sent to family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congrats on your baby girl! I'm so sorry that your mother proved herself as awful as everyone said. We always hope they will change for us and be the parent we deserve, but some people are just not capable.

I hope you never speak to either of them again. They do not deserve to be a part of your or your childs life.

Thank you. No she isn't capable and she definitely waivers between delusional and not remembering what happened for what it is and then lying. She tried to justify it at first and then acknowledged they will never meet this child and she knew why. Then begging for forgiveness but at the same time saying it was her right to tell them. And then coming back and saying she had no idea she thought she couldn't say anything during pregnancy.

She got caught and I actually think besides hurting me she told them because she wanted attention. She wanted to make this birth about her and I'm sure when she realized they reached out and we would know she had to back pedal.

I won't be. It is unlike her to have not reached out again. I have blocked her but DH hasn't. Just to see what bull she comes up with but nothing.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband so you guys can be on same page.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is a monster just like your brother. At least you find out now before letting her hold the baby or giving her photos.

You should tell your husband. It seems like he has been supportive, and newborn days are hard enough to get through, he needs to know that you’re dealing with even more than normal. Your doctor or therapist should know too. Not details but just that there was SA from the family (yes by allowing it to happen I would say that your mother SA you) and that they’ve been putting pressure on you to resume contact. You’re going to need a lot of support over the next few months and it will probably get harder before it gets easier. You know what to do now though and at least when your mom dies without a relationship with your child, you won’t need to feel bad or wonder if you should have given her another chance..

Once you feel strong enough (might take a while), I would also consider asking DH to track down your brothers kids and let them know about the SA. Even if he’s not abusing them directly, they need to know not to have sleepovers etc and eventually how to keep their own children safe from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry,OP. Your mother totally betrayed you and not only that, by doing that she’s chosen not to support you just as she didn’t protect you when you were a child. I am one of the last DCUM posters to be in favor of NC, but there is no question here.

You are protecting your child. I know you and DH will love and protect your daughter. I hope you can find a way to concentrate on your healing and your baby. Block mom and brother and anyone else you need to. Let DH run interference if it needs to happen. All of your energy needs to go into your physical and emotional recovery so that you can take care of your precious baby.

Thank you for saying this. Blocked the # my brother messaged from and I've blocked me mom. DH hasn't - he wanted to wait and see what kind of nonsense she would come up with. She actually hasn't reached out since. Which isn't like her. Last time we went no contact she was persistent in proving she was right. Now I feel like she knew she would this and try to put a black cloud over this time. I still cry when I let myself think about this but baby girl is an absolute dream and we truly are enjoying our time with her