Update. Most of you were right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I somehow missed the first thread but just read all of it and this. OP, part of me is glad your mom did this because I hope it lets you see that she can not ever be trusted. You cut her off for years and let her back in with ONE qualification and she could not adhere to that. But far more important than that is the fact that she protected your brother when she saw him molesting you?! How old was your brother when you were 4? I did not see that anywhere and this missing piece may inform a lot. I mean, if he was 6 years old, I totally see where your mother was coming from but I am guessing that is nowhere close to the truth.

I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. Congratulations on your baby girl.

Thank you. She's such a joy and a dream baby.

Yes. To the other posters point at least I know now and not after a year when she would have had more information or photos or something. I think deep down I was always weary of her changing. She cried when she saw we were pregnant earlier this year and genuinely seemed excited and when we discussed our boundary she said she understood. I thought maybe I was wrong. I totally see now she can't ever change and will always choose to hurt me. I just can't let her near this child.

She did. My parents walked in and my dad who wasn't always around was actually the one who wanted to call the cops. And my mom made him stop. I got spanked and added to sit in the corner and after she asked me what happened. I didn't really know what to say. She said she would take me to the Dr and they could tell. I figured the Dr would say it but she never took me. She knew though because I remember once I got my period she asked if my brother ever played that game again and some half ass warning I could get pregnant now.

My brother is 8 years older than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry, OP. You are protecting your daughter and she is lucky to have you - you are keeping distance from people you know aren’t safe. Wishing you an easy recovery and hope you have the love and support you need right now.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP,

1. Please tell your hospital doctor (and husband) that you are at risk for post-partum depression, because you just received a trigger of past abuse and are dealing with more than regular post-partum recovery. They will write it in before you go home. It's important you don't sit on this by yourself until your first appointment with your regular doc.

2. I am sorry this happened. You did your best, and you tried to be a good human. Now you know you were correct to cut off your mother before.

3. You have to cut her off again, for a long, long time. You don't need to tell her or explain. Just do it. It will help you get better faster.

4. Congratulations on the birth of your baby! This is a happy time! I hope you two thrive.

Thank you. Baby girl is such a dream. I can't believe she's ours.

I know. I think that's why this hurts so much. I wanted to believe I could have a different version of my mom especially during this time but now it feels very much like grieving the idea of that. Not her. But I know I don't have a mom any longer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry. This just reads like a huge punch in the gut for you. My suggestion is that you cut off your mom completely since she cannot maintain boundaries.

Please don’t suggest this people in this casual, nbd way. This is a really big deal and very bad advice to give to strangers whose lives you know nothing about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, but anybody knowing about the existence of your baby can't hurt her. No harm has been done. You now know you can't trust your mother.

Thanks. I know that logically. I'm just so hyper vigilant and admittedly was fixated on keeping her from my side of the family. We weren't even planning to tell my mom until she asked for forgiveness and then saw we were pregnant. I definitely can't trust her. It feels like who in their right mind would send a photo of baby to a known child predator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NEVER let her babysit. That woman has it in for you.

Congrats on the baby

Oh even before this she was never going to be alone with baby girl at any age.

[Anonymous]

Is it too late to file a police report against your brother? I would want to at least try and let there be a public record. Hope it ruins his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it too late to file a police report against your brother? I would want to at least try and let there be a public record. Hope it ruins his life.

No statue of limitations in the state it happened in but I have no proof. I have thought about it before

[Anonymous]

Just updating. Baby girl is 6 months and it's been hard but I'm so lucky to be her mom. Grieving my mom and what she should have been has been really hard during this time. I'm on meds for PPD/PPA.

My SIL has been reaching out regularly and I just haven't responded. I'm thinking about texting back to say this has nothing to do with you or my nephews and to let her know my brother and mother do know. I can only imagine the lies they have come up with. I'm on the fence now if alluding to the abuse or just spelling it out.

Her last text to me was along the lines of my boys( jr and high school )are so sad they won't ever meet their cousin.

[Anonymous]

He’s a child molester. She is an enabler and a perpetuator, which also makes her a child molester.

Cut.
Her.
Out.
Of.
Your.
Life.

If you do not, you, too are an enabler and a perpetuator of child molestation. I’m sorry, but here we are. It is that serious. STOP IT. CUT HER OFF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just updating. Baby girl is 6 months and it's been hard but I'm so lucky to be her mom. Grieving my mom and what she should have been has been really hard during this time. I'm on meds for PPD/PPA.

My SIL has been reaching out regularly and I just haven't responded. I'm thinking about texting back to say this has nothing to do with you or my nephews and to let her know my brother and mother do know. I can only imagine the lies they have come up with. I'm on the fence now if alluding to the abuse or just spelling it out.

Her last text to me was along the lines of my boys( jr and high school )are so sad they won't ever meet their cousin.

CUT THEM ALL OFF. THEY ARE ALL ENABLERS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s a child molester. She is an enabler and a perpetuator, which also makes her a child molester.

Cut.
Her.
Out.
Of.
Your.
Life.

If you do not, you, too are an enabler and a perpetuator of child molestation. I’m sorry, but here we are. It is that serious. STOP IT. CUT HER OFF.

Oh they have been cut off for months now. I haven't responded to my SIL but she texts and I know my mom and brother won't ever tell her the truth. A part of me wants to tell her and another says just keep ignoring her. I'll never see/speak to my mother or brother again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just updating. Baby girl is 6 months and it's been hard but I'm so lucky to be her mom. Grieving my mom and what she should have been has been really hard during this time. I'm on meds for PPD/PPA.

My SIL has been reaching out regularly and I just haven't responded. I'm thinking about texting back to say this has nothing to do with you or my nephews and to let her know my brother and mother do know. I can only imagine the lies they have come up with. I'm on the fence now if alluding to the abuse or just spelling it out.

Her last text to me was along the lines of my boys( jr and high school )are so sad they won't ever meet their cousin.

So glad you are managing and got help with medication. It's good that you are grieving the mom you should have had and hopefully now you have closure knowing she cannot change. I would not get involved with any manipulations. This whole being sad SIL's boys won't ever meet their cousin is trying to make you feel guilty. Emotionally healthy people don't use those tactics.

There is this desire in disturbed family systems to have normalcy. For the person abused you crave an actual healthy family and for the abusers and enablers they seem to crave the appearance of a healthy family. They will gaslight/guilt trip/manipulate even threaten to keep up that appearance. At least that is what I have experienced. Unless your mom got into intensive therapy (which won't happen) she will never change. She truly must be deranged to not respect your wishes given the abuse. Mourn and move forward with the beautiful family you created!

[Anonymous]

Don’t let SIL guilt you, OP. She is using her kids/your nephews to guilt you- as the parent to teen boys, I feel pretty sure your nephews don’t deeply care about not meeting a 6 month old baby especially when they’ve had no relationship with you (and for your sake I am sorry for that, I’m sure that’s an extra cut among all of your hurt).

You are doing all the right things to protect yourself and your family. Enjoy your baby and husband!

[Anonymous]

Oh wow mama, you are such a warrior. It may not feel that way, but you absolutely are. You are dealing with sh*t so far beyond what a person should have to do deal with, all at a time when you deserve to cocoon with your little family.

It shows what a kind and forgiving heart that you have that you still held space and hope for her to change. Don't beat yourself up about that. It means that despite everything, you kept your heart open. That's an amazing testament to your strength and resilience.

And now you know, absolutely, for sure, that there is no moving forward. In your very first post you said, "our main stipulation to her being in this child's life is that she doesn't share this information with my brother and his family." And she couldn't even wait two whole days. She made her bed and now she gets to lie in it.

As for SIL, I would block her. There is no reason for her to be in your life. You owe her nothing. She adds nothing. If it would make *you* feel better, then you can tell her the truth before you block. But she's very unlikely to respond in a way that honors your truth and your suffering, so I would only do that if there will be some healing in the saying of it. And know that it might escalate her manipulations, as it is much easier to vilify you than to lose her view of her life.

I am so proud of you. You've kept your heart open all while laying down boundaries. You've sought help for your PPD. And now you get to move forward in your life going no contact with these abusers and enablers who have tried to steal your autonomy and your spirit, but who have not succeeded. I'm sure the universe is going to send you people who do deserve you to fill the void that will forever be your FOA.

Well done, mama.