Update. Most of you were right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow mama, you are such a warrior. It may not feel that way, but you absolutely are. You are dealing with sh*t so far beyond what a person should have to do deal with, all at a time when you deserve to cocoon with your little family.

It shows what a kind and forgiving heart that you have that you still held space and hope for her to change. Don't beat yourself up about that. It means that despite everything, you kept your heart open. That's an amazing testament to your strength and resilience.

And now you know, absolutely, for sure, that there is no moving forward. In your very first post you said, "our main stipulation to her being in this child's life is that she doesn't share this information with my brother and his family." And she couldn't even wait two whole days. She made her bed and now she gets to lie in it.

As for SIL, I would block her. There is no reason for her to be in your life. You owe her nothing. She adds nothing. If it would make *you* feel better, then you can tell her the truth before you block. But she's very unlikely to respond in a way that honors your truth and your suffering, so I would only do that if there will be some healing in the saying of it. And know that it might escalate her manipulations, as it is much easier to vilify you than to lose her view of her life.

I am so proud of you. You've kept your heart open all while laying down boundaries. You've sought help for your PPD. And now you get to move forward in your life going no contact with these abusers and enablers who have tried to steal your autonomy and your spirit, but who have not succeeded. I'm sure the universe is going to send you people who do deserve you to fill the void that will forever be your FOA.

Well done, mama.

I agree but DO think the poster owes her nephews (or any kid, really) a chance at being protecting from their dad, as I posted above - the SIL needs to know

I'm going to go out on a limb here and come from a different perspective. Yes, you have done everything right in protecting yourself and your immediate core family. That being said....as someone whose BIL has chosen to ghost us (and not for anything as egregious as your own brother)...it's been hard on my children growing up knowing they have a cousin - who they actually have met and had a few rare outings with - and don't understand why they can't have a relationship with their cousin. I am upset with my BIL because I don't think the fact that he and my DH don't get along should affect innocent children who are cousins. Scheduling an outing at a park for the cousins a few times a year....so they grown up knowing each other. Don't punish children for the sins of their fathers.

Family is hard and I will say that if your mental well being is to totally cut off your family, that's your decision and I respect it. Just think about the innocent children in future years. I do hope your daughter at least grows up knowing of the existence of two cousins that maybe someday when older can have a reunion.

[Anonymous]

Protect your child, agree, no visits to creepy molester uncle.

But how can you expect him to never find out you have children. I think that's unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Protect your child, agree, no visits to creepy molester uncle.

But how can you expect him to never find out you have children. I think that's unrealistic.

Yes. There will always remain no contact with my mom and brother. And while I'm still figuring out if I want to inform sil - it's complicated as I explained on the other thread. She found out years ago but thinks that someone planted it in my head to deflect. Basically building the case I'm making it up.

I agree. I know it was unrealistic to keep her a secret. I guess I figured my mom was the only connection. No socials or other contact. I thought if she could keep it to herself then I could avoid him knowing. I know that eventually it would come out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow mama, you are such a warrior. It may not feel that way, but you absolutely are. You are dealing with sh*t so far beyond what a person should have to do deal with, all at a time when you deserve to cocoon with your little family.

It shows what a kind and forgiving heart that you have that you still held space and hope for her to change. Don't beat yourself up about that. It means that despite everything, you kept your heart open. That's an amazing testament to your strength and resilience.

And now you know, absolutely, for sure, that there is no moving forward. In your very first post you said, "our main stipulation to her being in this child's life is that she doesn't share this information with my brother and his family." And she couldn't even wait two whole days. She made her bed and now she gets to lie in it.

As for SIL, I would block her. There is no reason for her to be in your life. You owe her nothing. She adds nothing. If it would make *you* feel better, then you can tell her the truth before you block. But she's very unlikely to respond in a way that honors your truth and your suffering, so I would only do that if there will be some healing in the saying of it. And know that it might escalate her manipulations, as it is much easier to vilify you than to lose her view of her life.

I am so proud of you. You've kept your heart open all while laying down boundaries. You've sought help for your PPD. And now you get to move forward in your life going no contact with these abusers and enablers who have tried to steal your autonomy and your spirit, but who have not succeeded. I'm sure the universe is going to send you people who do deserve you to fill the void that will forever be your FOA.

Well done, mama.

I agree but DO think the poster owes her nephews (or any kid, really) a chance at being protecting from their dad, as I posted above - the SIL needs to know

I'm going to go out on a limb here and come from a different perspective. Yes, you have done everything right in protecting yourself and your immediate core family. That being said....as someone whose BIL has chosen to ghost us (and not for anything as egregious as your own brother)...it's been hard on my children growing up knowing they have a cousin - who they actually have met and had a few rare outings with - and don't understand why they can't have a relationship with their cousin. I am upset with my BIL because I don't think the fact that he and my DH don't get along should affect innocent children who are cousins. Scheduling an outing at a park for the cousins a few times a year....so they grown up knowing each other. Don't punish children for the sins of their fathers.

Family is hard and I will say that if your mental well being is to totally cut off your family, that's your decision and I respect it. Just think about the innocent children in future years. I do hope your daughter at least grows up knowing of the existence of two cousins that maybe someday when older can have a reunion.

Unfortunately I can't have a relationship with my nephews that doesn't include my brother right now. Same for my infant DD and my middle/highs school nephews.

My nephews have never met my daughter and a small part of why I didn't want them knowing. It was easier. But tbh I feel like that isn't my problem. Their parents/grandmother choose to tell them. My mom/brother can choose to tell them the truth but I know it's Auntie is a crazy instead.

I don't know yet the extent that my daughter will know about my family and when. I know it will come up and I will have to explain that mom's family is not safe in an age appropriate way.

My 7 month old and my he in high school nephew don't really need meet ups at a park. We don't live in the same area and to think these boys are thinking about my child is far fetched.

I thought the kinder thing to do was remove myself and my new family vs blowing up their world. They adore their dad and always have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow mama, you are such a warrior. It may not feel that way, but you absolutely are. You are dealing with sh*t so far beyond what a person should have to do deal with, all at a time when you deserve to cocoon with your little family.

It shows what a kind and forgiving heart that you have that you still held space and hope for her to change. Don't beat yourself up about that. It means that despite everything, you kept your heart open. That's an amazing testament to your strength and resilience.

And now you know, absolutely, for sure, that there is no moving forward. In your very first post you said, "our main stipulation to her being in this child's life is that she doesn't share this information with my brother and his family." And she couldn't even wait two whole days. She made her bed and now she gets to lie in it.

As for SIL, I would block her. There is no reason for her to be in your life. You owe her nothing. She adds nothing. If it would make *you* feel better, then you can tell her the truth before you block. But she's very unlikely to respond in a way that honors your truth and your suffering, so I would only do that if there will be some healing in the saying of it. And know that it might escalate her manipulations, as it is much easier to vilify you than to lose her view of her life.

I am so proud of you. You've kept your heart open all while laying down boundaries. You've sought help for your PPD. And now you get to move forward in your life going no contact with these abusers and enablers who have tried to steal your autonomy and your spirit, but who have not succeeded. I'm sure the universe is going to send you people who do deserve you to fill the void that will forever be your FOA.

Well done, mama.

I agree but DO think the poster owes her nephews (or any kid, really) a chance at being protecting from their dad, as I posted above - the SIL needs to know

I'm going to go out on a limb here and come from a different perspective. Yes, you have done everything right in protecting yourself and your immediate core family. That being said....as someone whose BIL has chosen to ghost us (and not for anything as egregious as your own brother)...it's been hard on my children growing up knowing they have a cousin - who they actually have met and had a few rare outings with - and don't understand why they can't have a relationship with their cousin. I am upset with my BIL because I don't think the fact that he and my DH don't get along should affect innocent children who are cousins. Scheduling an outing at a park for the cousins a few times a year....so they grown up knowing each other. Don't punish children for the sins of their fathers.

Family is hard and I will say that if your mental well being is to totally cut off your family, that's your decision and I respect it. Just think about the innocent children in future years. I do hope your daughter at least grows up knowing of the existence of two cousins that maybe someday when older can have a reunion.

Unfortunately I can't have a relationship with my nephews that doesn't include my brother right now. Same for my infant DD and my middle/highs school nephews.

My nephews have never met my daughter and a small part of why I didn't want them knowing. It was easier. But tbh I feel like that isn't my problem. Their parents/grandmother choose to tell them. My mom/brother can choose to tell them the truth but I know it's Auntie is a crazy instead.

I don't know yet the extent that my daughter will know about my family and when. I know it will come up and I will have to explain that mom's family is not safe in an age appropriate way.

My 7 month old and my he in high school nephew don't really need meet ups at a park. We don't live in the same area and to think these boys are thinking about my child is far fetched.

I thought the kinder thing to do was remove myself and my new family vs blowing up their world. They adore their dad and always have.

Their dad is a sex abuser. How great do you imagine their world being?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Updating. As I got a lot of good advice on this thread. Also just venting. I haven't been able to talk about this with anyone even DH.

But I posted this a few months ago

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1206175.page

DH and I made sure my mother knew the boundary we had in place and why and she said nothing to worry about and stopped asking. She even went out of her way to reassure us.

Less than 48 hours after baby girl was born I get a text from my brother saying congratulations. You could have told me.

I was in shock. Also less than 2 days postpartum and still in the hospital after a C-section with DH and baby. Start crying immediately and looking to see if anyone else but my mother could have posted on social Media. Nope. So I text saying she had one boundary and she couldn't even follow it. And then some. Her response was as a grandmother she had to tell them.

It hurts even more knowing she waited until baby was her and I was postpartum. This seems more cruel than just telling them when I pregnant. She also knows and acknowledges my brother as a child molester - saying well no visits but I just told him and my grandsons and he won't ever meet her.

I said a lot of things while feeling like absolute garbage that I couldn't even protect my 2 day old baby. And I should have known my mother would never change. It was my fault for thinking she could or would want to for this child if she couldn't even do it for me. I turned off my phone and saw one text saying please don't do this to me- cutting her off. And I didn't look at any other texts. Probably won't for a while.

Anyway trying to enjoy postpartum time and not think about this but I did remember so many of you saying she wouldn't change and I wish I had been more prepared - I think I was during pregnancy. But it truly feels like another level of hate to do this and tell him after she's her and I'm in the hospital.

I don't think it's remotely reasonable for you to think your brother would never find out that you had a child, or even that your mother should not have told him, which we aren't sure about either- if she did or didn't.
Your issue is with your brother, deservedly, but you are angry at your mother for whatever she didn't do when you were young. That's the problem, but not the information about you. I think you set an unreasonable and untenable and unenforcable mandate that could never be practiced just to give you an excuse to part ways with your Mom. And that's another thread- you need therapy, or something ,which you either need, or have already dealt with, to deal with the abuse, and whatever she didn't do. But the information about a child being born is not really making sense. I think she was set up, so to speak. You may have a point in cutting her off, but not for this. Figure out what is your ultimate goal.

Also what is weird, why does brother still think you have a relationship, i.e., "You could have told me.." Why does he think that? Does he know you have banned him from your life? Has he admitted abuse? Does his wife know? I mean, if not, she does need to know.

[Anonymous]

I would have told his kids that he’s a child molester and I would have told him that if he contacts me again or ever tries to find out information about my kids or see or contact them in any way then I’d go public with the facts with his job, friends etc and blow up his entire life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just updating. Baby girl is 6 months and it's been hard but I'm so lucky to be her mom. Grieving my mom and what she should have been has been really hard during this time. I'm on meds for PPD/PPA.

My SIL has been reaching out regularly and I just haven't responded. I'm thinking about texting back to say this has nothing to do with you or my nephews and to let her know my brother and mother do know. I can only imagine the lies they have come up with. I'm on the fence now if alluding to the abuse or just spelling it out.

Her last text to me was along the lines of my boys( jr and high school )are so sad they won't ever meet their cousin.

So glad you are managing and got help with medication. It's good that you are grieving the mom you should have had and hopefully now you have closure knowing she cannot change. I would not get involved with any manipulations. This whole being sad SIL's boys won't ever meet their cousin is trying to make you feel guilty. Emotionally healthy people don't use those tactics.

There is this desire in disturbed family systems to have normalcy. For the person abused you crave an actual healthy family and for the abusers and enablers they seem to crave the appearance of a healthy family. They will gaslight/guilt trip/manipulate even threaten to keep up that appearance. At least that is what I have experienced. Unless your mom got into intensive therapy (which won't happen) she will never change. She truly must be deranged to not respect your wishes given the abuse. Mourn and move forward with the beautiful family you created!

+1,000

My husband's dad is an abusive a-hole who he finally cut off a few years ago. He's now texting saying he's dying and trying to emotionally blackmail him. He still has not acknowledged or apologized for any of the abuse, especially the episode that was the final straw for my husband. Healthy people do not do this. I'm so sorry, OP.