Update. Most of you were right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you even resume contact with your mother? You sound like a bit of a pushover, and you really should have known better. Frankly I am worried for your daughter.

Yeah. And people are focusing on the SIL piece now, but aren’t realizing that OP told us in the other thread that SIL definitely *knows* about what brother did. And yet OP didn’t have SIL blocked/cut off already. Seriously OP BLOCK and delete your socials.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP,

1. Please tell your hospital doctor (and husband) that you are at risk for post-partum depression, because you just received a trigger of past abuse and are dealing with more than regular post-partum recovery. They will write it in before you go home. It's important you don't sit on this by yourself until your first appointment with your regular doc.

2. I am sorry this happened. You did your best, and you tried to be a good human. Now you know you were correct to cut off your mother before.

3. You have to cut her off again, for a long, long time. You don't need to tell her or explain. Just do it. It will help you get better faster.

4. Congratulations on the birth of your baby! This is a happy time! I hope you two thrive.

+1
And know your mother will NEVER change! She demonstrated that. Your mother is severely damaged, just know this and stay away. It might even make it easier to forgive her by knowing she's so damaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just updating. Baby girl is 6 months and it's been hard but I'm so lucky to be her mom. Grieving my mom and what she should have been has been really hard during this time. I'm on meds for PPD/PPA.

My SIL has been reaching out regularly and I just haven't responded. I'm thinking about texting back to say this has nothing to do with you or my nephews and to let her know my brother and mother do know. I can only imagine the lies they have come up with. I'm on the fence now if alluding to the abuse or just spelling it out.

Her last text to me was along the lines of my boys( jr and high school )are so sad they won't ever meet their cousin.

Does SIL know she's married to a molester? If not, tell her the plain and simple facts. Then tell her you want nothing to do with your brother or his family, which includes her. Then go NC. If she responds with 'I thought so' or something to that effect (she wont) then maybe you can stay in remote contact with her. Chances are she is also a victim of abuse along with your mother and nephews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is awful. Two thoughts:

1) if this was going to happen, glad it happened now before she had more access, info, pictures, etc. You would feel worse if she crossed this boundary a year from now. Now you can still make a clean break.

2) you have a wonderful new child with whom you can establish a loving and protective relationship. Remember that your daughter is safe and your focus should be on your well being so you can be a good mom.

Lastly, please don’t guilt yourself if your joy is overshadowed right now. You have your whole life to enjoy your child. Many, many people have a crappy postpartum experience for some reason or another, and it does not define you.

This.

Your daughter is safe. The knowledge of her existence isn’t something you can control but you can enforce the boundary with your mom and resume no contact.

Make sure you have a plan for managing your mental health during this time…your last trauma and postpartum hormones can be a doozy. Lean on your support network.

Remember your past is not your future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just updating. Baby girl is 6 months and it's been hard but I'm so lucky to be her mom. Grieving my mom and what she should have been has been really hard during this time. I'm on meds for PPD/PPA.

My SIL has been reaching out regularly and I just haven't responded. I'm thinking about texting back to say this has nothing to do with you or my nephews and to let her know my brother and mother do know. I can only imagine the lies they have come up with. I'm on the fence now if alluding to the abuse or just spelling it out.

Her last text to me was along the lines of my boys( jr and high school )are so sad they won't ever meet their cousin.

The grief is real, but it’s cleansing and clarifying. It’s real.

It might be helpful to write a letter to your SIL, even if you don’t send it.

Keep going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it too late to file a police report against your brother? I would want to at least try and let there be a public record. Hope it ruins his life.

No statue of limitations in the state it happened in but I have no proof. I have thought about it before

I would do it just to create the chaos in his life that he has tried to create in yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you even resume contact with your mother? You sound like a bit of a pushover, and you really should have known better. Frankly I am worried for your daughter.

Yeah. And people are focusing on the SIL piece now, but aren’t realizing that OP told us in the other thread that SIL definitely *knows* about what brother did. And yet OP didn’t have SIL blocked/cut off already. Seriously OP BLOCK and delete your socials.

I think OP is addicted to drama and is extremely needy. Daddy issues.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for what you experienced as a young child. Kudos for you for doing what’s best for your little girl. You are breaking cycles of abuse. And I’m sorry your mother betrayed you again. As a mother to a beautiful little girl, sending you a big hug!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need a new phone number. I don’t even understand what the question is here — get these people out of your life and focus on your nuclear family. You can heal the past trauma by creating the family you didn’t have for your own daughter. But you need to cut these dysfunctional people out of your life. I feel terrible for the suffering you’ve endured but at this point it kind of seems like you’re allowing this drama in your life. You need to take responsibility for what you can control.

[Anonymous]

Is there a chance that anything your SIL says will change your decision?

I assume no - so block her. You can tell her about the abuse if you want, but just receiving the emotionally manipulative texts forever is just going to be difficult and not going to change anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you even resume contact with your mother? You sound like a bit of a pushover, and you really should have known better. Frankly I am worried for your daughter.

Yeah. And people are focusing on the SIL piece now, but aren’t realizing that OP told us in the other thread that SIL definitely *knows* about what brother did. And yet OP didn’t have SIL blocked/cut off already. Seriously OP BLOCK and delete your socials.

I think OP is addicted to drama and is extremely needy. Daddy issues.

This says more about you than you realize

[Anonymous]

I had to recently cut my mother out of my life. It hurts. But I think we grieve the person we want them to be, not the person they truly are.
I have blocked all ways of contacting me. And you should do the same with your SIL.

[Anonymous]

I also think OP is a drama seeker. This whole situation is straight out of daytime TV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just updating. Baby girl is 6 months and it's been hard but I'm so lucky to be her mom. Grieving my mom and what she should have been has been really hard during this time. I'm on meds for PPD/PPA.

My SIL has been reaching out regularly and I just haven't responded. I'm thinking about texting back to say this has nothing to do with you or my nephews and to let her know my brother and mother do know. I can only imagine the lies they have come up with. I'm on the fence now if alluding to the abuse or just spelling it out.

Her last text to me was along the lines of my boys( jr and high school )are so sad they won't ever meet their cousin.

I am so sorry. I have a same-tune-different-verse situation.
I would be very explicit with her about you experienced (in other words, don't allude; people don't see things they dont want to see) so she has the chance to protect her kids from their father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow mama, you are such a warrior. It may not feel that way, but you absolutely are. You are dealing with sh*t so far beyond what a person should have to do deal with, all at a time when you deserve to cocoon with your little family.

It shows what a kind and forgiving heart that you have that you still held space and hope for her to change. Don't beat yourself up about that. It means that despite everything, you kept your heart open. That's an amazing testament to your strength and resilience.

And now you know, absolutely, for sure, that there is no moving forward. In your very first post you said, "our main stipulation to her being in this child's life is that she doesn't share this information with my brother and his family." And she couldn't even wait two whole days. She made her bed and now she gets to lie in it.

As for SIL, I would block her. There is no reason for her to be in your life. You owe her nothing. She adds nothing. If it would make *you* feel better, then you can tell her the truth before you block. But she's very unlikely to respond in a way that honors your truth and your suffering, so I would only do that if there will be some healing in the saying of it. And know that it might escalate her manipulations, as it is much easier to vilify you than to lose her view of her life.

I am so proud of you. You've kept your heart open all while laying down boundaries. You've sought help for your PPD. And now you get to move forward in your life going no contact with these abusers and enablers who have tried to steal your autonomy and your spirit, but who have not succeeded. I'm sure the universe is going to send you people who do deserve you to fill the void that will forever be your FOA.

Well done, mama.

I agree but DO think the poster owes her nephews (or any kid, really) a chance at being protecting from their dad, as I posted above - the SIL needs to know