Big Law spouses - give me your tips and tricks

[Anonymous]

Do you have a nanny?
We kept ours even when the kids were in school and shifted her hours to cover until 7–that was hugely helpful with the sports stuff.
We are also in a minority in that our kids go to public school even though his profits could easily cover private. Public is so much easier. They get a bus or walk. All their friends live in the neighborhood. The other neighborhood parents are great about covering emergencies and sharing car pool. I do not know how on earth we would have done it with private school and not having that community in close geographic proximity. Sadly our nanny was older and quit during the pandemic so we’ve been stitching it together without her, although our kids are now hitting driving age.

He also really has to be able to step up when he can. Mine works from home 2 days per week and generally does sports carpool on those days. He takes his laptop and works in the parking lot while the kids play. He really does a lot more of the sports stuff than I do. He also does all the finances which he can do from his computer anywhere and handles stuff like the car maintenance and hvac maintenance that can be scheduled for when he’s available.

We also have a list of chores for the kids that they are expected to help with. They’ve been unloading dishwasher since they were tiny for instance.

And I’m also comfortable with a lower level of parenting than most people in this area are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically are you struggling with? Laundry? Kid driving? Not getting couple time? ID the things that are causing you pain and use your money (hopefully he is making a lot of it!) to fix them.

Op - thank you I think the biggest issue is the non-consistency of when he is super insanely busy and when he isn’t. So I never know when work is going to interfere with helping with the kids or vacation.

I would plan that he is never able to help and set up your life to function in a way that is manageable for you when that is the case. If he's available, that's a bonus and you get to chill. So, assuming you have the normal house stuff and some running around after school, I'd try to get the following:

* more frequent cleaners - have them come every week.
* laundry help - could build this into the above. would your cleaners come every week, do some laundry, and change linens? or find someone who will just come and do laundry
* afterschool babysitter - DCUM says this is hard to find. I honestly haven't tried but I know people who have a high school kid come 2-3 times a week to pick kids up at the bus and get to 6pm or so. if that isn't really want you need, consider whether you can combine all three of these bullets with one person, who is more like a full-time nanny.
* couple time - set monthly date nights that you do not miss unless there is a really good reason. pick a day (third Saturday of every month) and see if the babysitter will commit a few months out. I did this for a family with a big law dad when I was in college and it was great for all.
* breaks for you - if he is truly never or rarely available to take all kids so you can go for a run, get a manicure, meet up with a friend, whatever, that is really not fair to you. get a babysitter to allow you breaks.

Vacation is hard. I would try to plan trips where it is not critical that he be "on" the whole time. Like if you are beach people, get a beach front house or condo. He helps you get the kids to the beach with all the stuff, then goes back to the place and works and then you get some family time in the afternoon (or not). Maybe vacation with other families.

Also think about whether in the long run this is all worth it. At what point will you cut and run if life feels unmanageable and the money is not worth the other sacrifices? What is his plan to do that? Keep the dialogue open with him on this. To that end, I would avoid golden handcuffs - don't upgrade the house, go for $50k per year a kid private school, get a crazy expensive car, etc. so that he can cut and run if you need or want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Op - because I don’t care if he is equity or non-equity?

You should because there is a huge difference in income. So it is insanely different. Non-equity is just a nice word for "service" partner or employee. Maybe he develops enough business to be move up the ranks to equity partner but right now there isn't much difference between non-equity partner and senior associate except he gets invited to the partners retreat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically are you struggling with? Laundry? Kid driving? Not getting couple time? ID the things that are causing you pain and use your money (hopefully he is making a lot of it!) to fix them.

Op - thank you I think the biggest issue is the non-consistency of when he is super insanely busy and when he isn’t. So I never know when work is going to interfere with helping with the kids or vacation.

Assume it is going to interfere.

— a lawyer who isn’t even in Biglaw who pretty much never vacations because of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand why people with dual intense careers have three kids rather than stopping at one or two.

Hire a nanny, is the answer.

Non equity partner is not really partner. You know that right?

Damn you really didn't need to hit her with that.

One of my favorite DCUM posts of all time included a line about "If you want to marry a partner at a V10, you need to be a size 0 or 2. If you're a size 4 you can probably marry someone at a V30. Gross." I like to think it was a joke - because I am a size 4 married to an equity partner at a V10 - and to this day I still laugh about it. But it may not have been a joke in which case, yikes.

That's hilarious, I'm a size 2 married to a V30 equity partner.

I'm so sorry. At least he's equity tho? Praying for u.

Never mention the name of the firm. Here's hoping he laterals to a V10 someday.

/s

What in the blazes are the two PPs talking about? Why would I care if my husband laterals into a V10 someday?

OP here

And that attitude is why you're married to a non-equity partner.

Op - because I don’t care if he is equity or non-equity? I have my own life outside of my husbands work. I work full time as a director and have 3 kids.

It is a big difference. He’s more like a senior associate because he’s still trying to prove himself to move up to equity. But I wouldn’t count on it getting much better when he’s an Equity partner except he can have a little more ability to move work to others. So my husband won’t do all the arguments now if it’s inconvenient for our family schedule — he’ll give the argument to a more junior partner or senior associate.

[Anonymous]

As for the issue at hand. Hire someone to assist you. Be it a nanny or au pair to act as a back fill for all the issues that come up. Those issues can be taking kids to sports practices, camps, music lessons or all those days when they are off.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP with the post with the bullets. I would also seriously consider quitting my job if I were you. I very rarely give women that advice but one spouse with a big job + three kids is the point at which the other spouse working (unless they are also a really high earner) become a bit untenable IMO. It is not really fair but if the choice is between feeling like I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off low-key hating my husband and not working and having more personal and familial peace, I would choose the latter. I am a female attorney FWIW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP with the post with the bullets. I would also seriously consider quitting my job if I were you. I very rarely give women that advice but one spouse with a big job + three kids is the point at which the other spouse working (unless they are also a really high earner) become a bit untenable IMO. It is not really fair but if the choice is between feeling like I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off low-key hating my husband and not working and having more personal and familial peace, I would choose the latter. I am a female attorney FWIW.

OP’s husband is not an equity partner..yet. I would not quit until he makes real partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP with the post with the bullets. I would also seriously consider quitting my job if I were you. I very rarely give women that advice but one spouse with a big job + three kids is the point at which the other spouse working (unless they are also a really high earner) become a bit untenable IMO. It is not really fair but if the choice is between feeling like I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off low-key hating my husband and not working and having more personal and familial peace, I would choose the latter. I am a female attorney FWIW.

OP’s husband is not an equity partner..yet. I would not quit until he makes real partner.

You guys act like he's about to be fired. Ffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP with the post with the bullets. I would also seriously consider quitting my job if I were you. I very rarely give women that advice but one spouse with a big job + three kids is the point at which the other spouse working (unless they are also a really high earner) become a bit untenable IMO. It is not really fair but if the choice is between feeling like I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off low-key hating my husband and not working and having more personal and familial peace, I would choose the latter. I am a female attorney FWIW.

He’s not an equity partner. Quitting is not a good idea. Stayed employed, op. Hire a nanny to help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP with the post with the bullets. I would also seriously consider quitting my job if I were you. I very rarely give women that advice but one spouse with a big job + three kids is the point at which the other spouse working (unless they are also a really high earner) become a bit untenable IMO. It is not really fair but if the choice is between feeling like I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off low-key hating my husband and not working and having more personal and familial peace, I would choose the latter. I am a female attorney FWIW.

OP’s husband is not an equity partner..yet. I would not quit until he makes real partner.

You guys act like he's about to be fired. Ffs.

He could very well be fired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My number one tip is for you and your dh to prioritize your marriage. If you want to stay married, you must carve out some couple time, no matter what. Your kids are young, so it’s easy to focus on them, work, household responsibilities, etc., and put your spouse on the back burner. Don’t fall into that trap!

+100

This is what I was going to say!! Although PP said not to put your spouse on the backburner, but I would say not to let your spouse put *you* on the backburner. I love my spouse so much and I hate that he's so stressed so my first instinct was to not be a "burden" by asking for time with him. That was not a good idea. Things got so much better after I started putting my marriage rather than his convenience first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Op - because I don’t care if he is equity or non-equity?

You should because there is a huge difference in income. So it is insanely different. Non-equity is just a nice word for "service" partner or employee. Maybe he develops enough business to be move up the ranks to equity partner but right now there isn't much difference between non-equity partner and senior associate except he gets invited to the partners retreat.

There’s also a difference in terms of job security, OP. Something to be mindful of as you’re making plans based on his income. Service partners are usually some of the first to go in slow times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a new non-equity partner. His work load seems to have increased since becoming a partner. He does way more administrative items, travels a ton for business development and still bills a decent amount of hours (usually between 1800-2000). So all in he usually is hitting 2800-3000 hours a year.

I also work full time, although my job is much more flexible and is WFH. We have 3 young kids. For people who have been there, done that - what are your tips? I have looked into a house manager or help but it always seems like more work to staff up and manage than its worth. We do have landscapers and twice a month cleaners. When DH is not insanely busy he helps with pick ups from sports, divide and conquer on the weekends, taxes, stuff around the house. But when he is super busy or traveling it all falls on me.

When he is busy or traveling it falls on you. Who else is it supposed to fall on? Aren’t you the other parent?

[Anonymous]

+10000 to make all plans as if he isn't going to be there, ever.

With my DH, it's nice when he shows up to [insert any planned family activity/vacation/sporting event here], but chances are high that he won't and even if he does, he won't know until the last minute, so I plan accordingly.