Big Law spouses - give me your tips and tricks
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
DH is a new non-equity partner. His work load seems to have increased since becoming a partner. He does way more administrative items, travels a ton for business development and still bills a decent amount of hours (usually between 1800-2000). So all in he usually is hitting 2800-3000 hours a year.
I also work full time, although my job is much more flexible and is WFH. We have 3 young kids. For people who have been there, done that - what are your tips? I have looked into a house manager or help but it always seems like more work to staff up and manage than its worth. We do have landscapers and twice a month cleaners. When DH is not insanely busy he helps with pick ups from sports, divide and conquer on the weekends, taxes, stuff around the house. But when he is super busy or traveling it all falls on me. |
Anonymous
| Plan for and hire the help you need for when he’s insanely busy, not when he’s able to do stuff. Don’t write off things like household manager until you give it a good shot. (By the way, I’m not the spouse in this situation, I’m the worker bee, as I call myself at home). |
Anonymous
| My number one tip is for you and your dh to prioritize your marriage. If you want to stay married, you must carve out some couple time, no matter what. Your kids are young, so it’s easy to focus on them, work, household responsibilities, etc., and put your spouse on the back burner. Don’t fall into that trap! |
Anonymous
| We kept a nanny longer than necessary to help with the post school stuff and split after care activities. I am the mom and the one who is a partner - I billed 2k a year and did all the things but was super efficient at work and my week was like a pie, I'd stay super late Monday night doing essentially a double shift to get a head of all the work for the week and pretty late Tuesday (once I missed bed time I tried to get as much done as possible) and then got home by bedtime Wed, Thur and Friday and then I took the kids all weekend at of the house so total focus was on them. We had a weekly cleaner and didn't stress about alot of errands just focused on the kids. Now as equity partner with my own book, i have alot of hours but more control over my schedule and can be around more when the kids are teens |
Anonymous
|
My DH is an equity partner but he has been a partner since before our first was born, it’s all we know as parents.
How old are your kids? Little kids still in daycare are actually easier logistically. My three are now all in elementary/middle school and the afterschool hours of constant activities and homework requires help in a way that the little kid years did not. We have an au pair who works from 3-9 every day and we divide and conquer the pickups/drop offs, piano practice, homework, math tutors, etc. I found this more necessary than a household manager because the needs change every day and by semester or sports season. DH does bedtime with some of the kids each night and is usually all in with the kids for one day of the weekend and works half of one weekend day. Vacations are another place you have to be strategic. We organise our days so that DH can work a few hours straight each day on vacation. He is not able to fully step away because of how his practice is structured. If you know this in advance, you can plan an activity for the kids in the morning and then all do something together in the afternoon. Talking this through upfront keeps you from getting resentful and him from being too stressed out to enjoy any of the vacation. |
Anonymous
| I would figure out how much I like my job and if it's not a whole heck of a lot, I would go PT or quit and follow my passions. |
Anonymous
|
1. Carve out guaranteed family/down time. For us, Friday from about 530pm on is a time for no work, no email checking, etc. Obviously, that slips sometimes, but rarely. Need to have some time to connect. Another good one is weekend mornings. Have him wake up and make breakfast and chill with the kids. They will remember these times.
2. When you find yourself asking, is that much work really necessary? The answer is almost always, "yes." That is, if he wants to stay in the job and on the track he's on. A non-equity partner is basically a very senior associate. Not too much control over their lives. Sad but true. 3. Decide on a career plan. Doing this forever? Doing it until x amount of money saved and then switch to something more manageable? You have to look up from the grindstone every once in a while and plan your path. 4. Eventually, both of you need to figure out a way to work less overall so that you have time for the kids. It is such a short amount of time, and you only really realize that fact when you get close to the end of their childhood. |
Anonymous
+100 |
Anonymous
this is what I did. (I was a big law partner too) |
Anonymous
|
I will never understand why people with dual intense careers have three kids rather than stopping at one or two.
Hire a nanny, is the answer. Non equity partner is not really partner. You know that right? |
Anonymous
| Hire a nanny who will do all kids laundry. Cleaning team every week who does all sheets & towels. Dog walker if you have a dog. Carpool with people who live within a half mile of you. |
Anonymous
|
I posted a week ago about going back to work to get DH to help more. I’m a SAHM of 3 married to a surgeon. Before I stopped working, I used to handle all the kid stuff and work and it was really challenging. I used to have a FT nanny, housekeeper, landscaper, tutor, cook and teen babysitter/mother’s helper. At some point, I felt like I was outsourcing out my entire life and I stopped working. DH still doesn’t help much but he earns a seven figure income.
I actually hang out with a lot of wives of big law partners. Many stay home. Their husbands are high earning big law partners. I would guess they earn several million per year. |
Anonymous
| Like the poster above, we have an au pair. She doesn't work a ton of hours, but having childcare with a flexible schedule is really helpful to make our lives work. |
Anonymous
|
Pp here. I would recommend always having FT help even if you don’t think you need it. It is harder to find good part time help.
We know people who have an au pair or live in housekeeper/nanny. I personally don’t like someone at my house at all times even though we live in a very large house. |
Anonymous
|
Biggest piece of advice I can give is do what works for YOUR family, and ignore any of the judgy people around you who aren't living your life and who want to tell you what to do.
I'm a biglaw spouse and I quit my job 10 years ago,. We had a nanny and housekeeper when the kids were little. It would have continued to be doable as long as the kids were in pre-school/ elementary, but once the eldest hit middle school, it gets much more complicated. DH travels at least once a week for work, the kids are at different schools, activities are all over town, I like to be able to cook for the family, and given all that, it made the most sense for me to step back. I work very part time now, and it works for us. |