Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:100% the parents’ fault for not seeking a diagnosis for their child when treatment could have made a difference.

All of these failures to launch have mental health issues, probably some form of autism and the accompanying anxiety/OCD/ADHD/health issues that are so often comorbid.

I’ve worked SO hard with my oldest, who has ASD/ADHD/OCD to hoist him into college. Then we’ll have to hoist him into a job. Our goal is financial independence for him, so he’s not a burden on his siblings. All my kids are well aware of this goal. My son himself understands he needs to support himself - even though every day tasks are hard for him.

You are a victim, but don’t forget the failures are victims too. They were never given a chance.

This is the truth. But I don't know what the solution is for the OP at this point.

+1

It’s nowhere near the situation OP is in, but my family has a very similar dynamic that would probably be a lot more similar to OPs situation had my youngest sibling not had a few obvious psychiatric breakdowns in her late teens/early 20s and got professional help.

I’d say have a discussion with your brother so you are on the same page, and make it clear to your parents you cannot take care of your sister - because it would be unfair to all of you. Hopefully they have enough money to set her up with a trust and a non-family member trustee. That sanity is worth not having an inheritance or having less of one. Yea, it’s “unfair” but it’s also unfair that some people get 10 million dollar trust funds and other people have to support several elderly family members.

[Anonymous]

It’s so clear from everyone’s descriptions of their “freeloading”, “lazy” siblings that these folks are not well and mental health issues and/or developmental disabilities.

[Anonymous]

The OP can talk to her parents, but I doubt they will do anything. They have had decades to figure this out and have done nothing.

[Anonymous]

Why make such declarations? Act agreeable. Make sure a will that suits you is drawn up and then just don’t take care of her and that’s that.

[Anonymous]

My sil was like this. When her parents died she struggled, but then she got a job! She still struggles- the parents did not do her any favors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so clear from everyone’s descriptions of their “freeloading”, “lazy” siblings that these folks are not well and mental health issues and/or developmental disabilities.

First, it's not clear.

Second, some of us have mental health issues of our own. I have had depression since I was a teenager. Ir have ADHD. What I have -- the stable family, the career, the financial stability-- was not something I lucked into or came easily to me. It took work and grit. I'll be damned if I'm sacrificing my future, or my kids' future, for someone who received help for many years while I was left to fend for myself. I built a life for myself and it was not easy. I want to be able to help own children as no one ever helped me. Supporting my entitled BIL who has successfully browbeaten my MIL into supporting him is not an obligation I feel I have. They can sort out their dysfunctional codependence however they want, but I don't owe them anything here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so clear from everyone’s descriptions of their “freeloading”, “lazy” siblings that these folks are not well and mental health issues and/or developmental disabilities.

First, it's not clear.

Second, some of us have mental health issues of our own. I have had depression since I was a teenager. Ir have ADHD. What I have -- the stable family, the career, the financial stability-- was not something I lucked into or came easily to me. It took work and grit. I'll be damned if I'm sacrificing my future, or my kids' future, for someone who received help for many years while I was left to fend for myself. I built a life for myself and it was not easy. I want to be able to help own children as no one ever helped me. Supporting my entitled BIL who has successfully browbeaten my MIL into supporting him is not an obligation I feel I have. They can sort out their dysfunctional codependence however they want, but I don't owe them anything here.

+ infinity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so clear from everyone’s descriptions of their “freeloading”, “lazy” siblings that these folks are not well and mental health issues and/or developmental disabilities.

First, it's not clear.

Second, some of us have mental health issues of our own. I have had depression since I was a teenager. Ir have ADHD. What I have -- the stable family, the career, the financial stability-- was not something I lucked into or came easily to me. It took work and grit. I'll be damned if I'm sacrificing my future, or my kids' future, for someone who received help for many years while I was left to fend for myself. I built a life for myself and it was not easy. I want to be able to help own children as no one ever helped me. Supporting my entitled BIL who has successfully browbeaten my MIL into supporting him is not an obligation I feel I have. They can sort out their dysfunctional codependence however they want, but I don't owe them anything here.

+ infinity

+ infinity again. I have a sibling who fits this description. My parents--particularly my dad--have obliquely asked that I, as his elder sister who has a pretty stable home life and career at the moment, ensure he is provided for when my parents are no longer able to support him. I had to make it clear that DH and I were not in a position to do that, either financially or providing living space. We have kids of our own to provide for, 529s and 401ks to fund, school tuition to pay, and a boatload of home expenses coming down the pike.

If they choose not to do anything about the codependency situation they find themselves in with my sibling, fine; it's not my business what they choose to do with their money or whom they allow to live in their home. However, I would not be stepping into that role once my folks need more care, or need to change their living situation and downsize. It ruffled some feathers, particularly with my dad, but I think the message was heard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can your parents leave all their estate to her? I would recommend you suggest they do that and tell them you and brother will not be able to financially support her since you have your own families to take care of. Be very firm about this.

PP here. Why?! You think the deadbeat sibling won’t burn through the money and then you’re back where you started.

Why should PP give up any chance of an inheritance? That is ridiculous. So the other sibling can suck every single penny from their parents all the way to the end?!

It is not fair, but with the inheritance comes the expectation to take care of the sibling. In fact, if they voice that they won’t take care of sibling, parents may just leave the estate to her anyway.

OP and productive sibling will be happier just washing their hands of it. Maybe youngest sib can live off the inheritance for a while and if she understands that there is no more money coming, she might get her act together.

And you know this, how? I am a PP with a freeloader brother. If my parents choose to leave everything so be it, but it would be very offensive to my kids, their only grandchildren. I have been firm I am not taking care of him, and if they left anything to me or my kids I would have zero expectation to fund anything for him. Telling OP to tell their parents to just leave everything to the freeloader is just one more enabling thing on top of another.

Unless you have a freeloading sibling you will not understand.

I am one of the pps recommending this and I do have a freeloader sibling. My sibling is unmarried and got everything. I can choose to be offended or move on with my life.

Super glad it worked out for you but for my situation I don’t agree. And that’s ok.

Yes, you’ll have to see what happens when your parents die.

No matter what happens, my brother will come to me for money. And whether or not my mother leaves me or my children any, I will tell him no. So if you're hoping to say "I told you so" it won't matter. My brother is an a-hole, who I have stupidly given money to in the past. Never again, regardless of what happens in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP can talk to her parents, but I doubt they will do anything. They have had decades to figure this out and have done nothing.

I would not be surprised if they leave her all of their assets.

To set up a trust would mean acknowledging she is off.

OP are your parents avoidant or narcissistic? I agree, speak with your brother and make it clear you will not be supporting her financially in the future. Say it now so everyone can plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Some of you posters saying the ‘freeloader’ is no special needs are very likely incorrect. Unless they have had an extensive neuropsych work up you cannot say for sure there are no issues.
I have folks in my family that many of us are fairly sure have special needs but the parents never bothered to get them diagnosed and get the needed therapies and resources. Fortunately, this person is not as bad as the people posted about but bad enough that some of us are having to help our relative keep their house clean and raise their kids because they are literally stumped as to how to perform many basic life skills.
Thank God they have maintained a job with a pension.
Having said that I would not agree to support anyone whose parents have enabled.
I also do not care about inheritances.
I hope my parents live their golden years to the hilt and if there is nothing left- hooooray for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so clear from everyone’s descriptions of their “freeloading”, “lazy” siblings that these folks are not well and mental health issues and/or developmental disabilities.

First, it's not clear.

Second, some of us have mental health issues of our own. I have had depression since I was a teenager. Ir have ADHD. What I have -- the stable family, the career, the financial stability-- was not something I lucked into or came easily to me. It took work and grit. I'll be damned if I'm sacrificing my future, or my kids' future, for someone who received help for many years while I was left to fend for myself. I built a life for myself and it was not easy. I want to be able to help own children as no one ever helped me. Supporting my entitled BIL who has successfully browbeaten my MIL into supporting him is not an obligation I feel I have. They can sort out their dysfunctional codependence however they want, but I don't owe them anything here.

Who said you owed them anything??
You working hard and working through your challenges is wonderful and says a lot about your grit and resilience. But exactly what does that have to do with your BIL’s situation?
I had a now deceased parent that my grandparents enabled and coddled their entire life. This parent was not their best self or best parent they could be ba cause of this on top of whatever depression/emotional issues I suspect they had.
I did not get what I “should have” but I have no bitterness. I feel sorry for them, because I realize they did not either.
We can have empathy and draw firm boundaries all at the same time.
Bitterness burns a hole in us not the other person.

[Anonymous]

Easy to point blame at the sister. The parents have created this situation.

[Anonymous]

The problem with the argument that the other sibling has a mental health issue or other "legit" reason for taking parents' money is that no one has a crystal ball. What if the productive sibling gets a rare cancer, or their child does, or their spouse has a stroke and needs full time care? Will it still feel justifiable that the freeloader sibling, who may or may not have a disability, took all the money? I too have a freeloader sibling who has literally never had a job - spent 20 years travelling and exploring on my parents dime. At 42, with no career or savings, he was in a bad accident and now really cannot work - and of course he won't qualify for disability or social security. He will be necessity take all of my parents' money, but yeah, I am enormously resentful and will think of them every time a monetary challenge arises for me for the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so clear from everyone’s descriptions of their “freeloading”, “lazy” siblings that these folks are not well and mental health issues and/or developmental disabilities.

Yes , have sibling like this, but when he refuses any mental health help (not sure it would help anyway adhd/ocd/adult spectrum)-he did therapy and no changes, did succeed in rehab after being forced to go, and parents refuse to set up special needs trust, discuss anything with me, blame me for "not helping brother" and a couple of million to be divided--it really STINKS...