Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass

[Anonymous]

My youngest sibling is 10 years younger than me and 7 from our middle sibling. Middle sibling and I are successful because we have worked hard and wanted a better life than what we grew up with. Our youngest sibling is what you would call failure to launch. She is very beautiful and always assumed she would get by on her looks, but at 35 they haven’t gotten her anywhere because she is a very difficult and entitled seeming person. She is single, has never had a job and lives with our parents. They have never pushed her to do anything, which I don’t understand given that college and careers were non-negotiable for my younger brother and me. But my parents give her the little money they do have to buy nice clothes, go out with friends, and live a life well beyond her means.

My dad is in his early 80s and not in good health. It’s not clear how much longer he will be around, and he has started trying to have conversations about who will care for my mom and younger sister when he dies. Of course my brother and I will take care of our mom, but we have mixed feelings about what to do about our younger sister. We think the discussion should be around finding her a job and setting her up to be able to support herself, but my dad disagrees and thinks she should move in with one of us and be allowed to just live her life as she pleases while we support her. She feels the jobs she would be qualified for are way beneath her and has zero interest in ever having a job. My brother and I are really bitter about the prospect of supporting a 35 year old for the rest of her life simply because she doesn’t want to work and feel like this is going to be a disaster when my dad passes because my mom strongly agrees with my dad.

How do we navigate this now so it doesn’t all blow up at some point. We don’t want our sister to be homeless on the street, but find it unacceptable to have to just suck it up and support her for the long term.

[Anonymous]

OP...are you sure you aren't leaving anything out?

Like is she special needs?

No, you should not have to support her if she is physically and mentally able.

[Anonymous]

Tell them no. Full stop. I have a brother like this. He’s a dead beat. There is zero reason why my brother can’t get a job, he’s just lazy. My mother has asked me if I will look after him when she’s gone and I said no. I have my own 2 kids to worry about. I was very clear. He stopped speaking to me but I have zero regrets.

Make it clear now. I am serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them no. Full stop. I have a brother like this. He’s a dead beat. There is zero reason why my brother can’t get a job, he’s just lazy. My mother has asked me if I will look after him when she’s gone and I said no. I have my own 2 kids to worry about. I was very clear. He stopped speaking to me but I have zero regrets.

Make it clear now. I am serious.

Ugh, I have the same situation. In anger one time I actually told my parents that they are doing him no favors because I will certainly not be supporting him after they pass... so I doubt they will bring it up but I do wonder what they think is going to come of this.

[Anonymous]

100% the parents’ fault for not seeking a diagnosis for their child when treatment could have made a difference.

All of these failures to launch have mental health issues, probably some form of autism and the accompanying anxiety/OCD/ADHD/health issues that are so often comorbid.

I’ve worked SO hard with my oldest, who has ASD/ADHD/OCD to hoist him into college. Then we’ll have to hoist him into a job. Our goal is financial independence for him, so he’s not a burden on his siblings. All my kids are well aware of this goal. My son himself understands he needs to support himself - even though every day tasks are hard for him.

You are a victim, but don’t forget the failures are victims too. They were never given a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My youngest sibling is 10 years younger than me and 7 from our middle sibling. Middle sibling and I are successful because we have worked hard and wanted a better life than what we grew up with. Our youngest sibling is what you would call failure to launch. She is very beautiful and always assumed she would get by on her looks, but at 35 they haven’t gotten her anywhere because she is a very difficult and entitled seeming person. She is single, has never had a job and lives with our parents. They have never pushed her to do anything, which I don’t understand given that college and careers were non-negotiable for my younger brother and me. But my parents give her the little money they do have to buy nice clothes, go out with friends, and live a life well beyond her means.

My dad is in his early 80s and not in good health. It’s not clear how much longer he will be around, and he has started trying to have conversations about who will care for my mom and younger sister when he dies. Of course my brother and I will take care of our mom, but we have mixed feelings about what to do about our younger sister. We think the discussion should be around finding her a job and setting her up to be able to support herself, but my dad disagrees and thinks she should move in with one of us and be allowed to just live her life as she pleases while we support her. She feels the jobs she would be qualified for are way beneath her and has zero interest in ever having a job. My brother and I are really bitter about the prospect of supporting a 35 year old for the rest of her life simply because she doesn’t want to work and feel like this is going to be a disaster when my dad passes because my mom strongly agrees with my dad.

How do we navigate this now so it doesn’t all blow up at some point. We don’t want our sister to be homeless on the street, but find it unacceptable to have to just suck it up and support her for the long term.

Your mother had a very long span of being a mom and basically didn't want to give it up. My youngest sibling by 9 years also had this problem where the parents basically crippled any effort to launch - they wanted her to stay their baby.
I've also seen it in other families. It's a terrible disservice to the youngest child.
She is young enough to still pick up her life though. I have known people who went to law school in their late 30s. While these people were never going to make partner at biglaw, they still came out of it with decent professional prospects. If your parents really want to provide for her, they could set aside money for a professional program for her. After that, it's up to her.
She is not your problem. She is THEIR problem.

[Anonymous]

Does she have an anxiety disorder or something? Did she go to college? There are many things she could do that would not take too long so she could get a career, but obviously there is something else going on. I think you should help her out to some extent.

[Anonymous]

Make it loud and clear repeatedly that you will not in any way be supporting your sister. Why does your father think it’s reasonable for you to have to get up early every day, work all week, make sacrifices and forego enjoyment so that you can earn money, only to then hand some of that money over to your do-nothing sister? What is his actual justification for this position of his? Why does he feel you should sacrifice yourself?

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it! Why not have the conversation with your sister now and tell her she will be on her own after your parents pass?
I would also find out about what will happen to your parents’ home and money after they pass. Is your sister getting the house any everything that is theirs so she can continue to live there? How will she afford to do so? Find out about your parents’ wills.
Your life, your children’s lives and your husband’s life come first. Make sure your parents and your sister know this now. What about a family meeting now with everyone to discuss what the situation really will be.
Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Can your parents leave all their estate to her? I would recommend you suggest they do that and tell them you and brother will not be able to financially support her since you have your own families to take care of. Be very firm about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can your parents leave all their estate to her? I would recommend you suggest they do that and tell them you and brother will not be able to financially support her since you have your own families to take care of. Be very firm about this.

PP here. Why?! You think the deadbeat sibling won’t burn through the money and then you’re back where you started.

Why should PP give up any chance of an inheritance? That is ridiculous. So the other sibling can suck every single penny from their parents all the way to the end?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can your parents leave all their estate to her? I would recommend you suggest they do that and tell them you and brother will not be able to financially support her since you have your own families to take care of. Be very firm about this.

PP here. Why?! You think the deadbeat sibling won’t burn through the money and then you’re back where you started.

Why should PP give up any chance of an inheritance? That is ridiculous. So the other sibling can suck every single penny from their parents all the way to the end?!

I mean, in all likelihood that is what will happen anyway, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make it loud and clear repeatedly that you will not in any way be supporting your sister. Why does your father think it’s reasonable for you to have to get up early every day, work all week, make sacrifices and forego enjoyment so that you can earn money, only to then hand some of that money over to your do-nothing sister? What is his actual justification for this position of his? Why does he feel you should sacrifice yourself?

Just say no and suggest to her that she get a retail job or start training for a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them no. Full stop. I have a brother like this. He’s a dead beat. There is zero reason why my brother can’t get a job, he’s just lazy. My mother has asked me if I will look after him when she’s gone and I said no. I have my own 2 kids to worry about. I was very clear. He stopped speaking to me but I have zero regrets.

Make it clear now. I am serious.

This. We went through this with my BIL. We made it clear that we would not be opening our home to him or supporting him financially, and that our focus is supporting our own children, saving for their college and helping them get started in life, plus making sure we have enough saved not to be a financial burden to them in our later years.

Suddenly BIL was enrolled in a vocational training program and getting a full time job. I think for a time everyone just thought we would take over where MIL/FIL left off, letting this full grown man with no special needs (I repeat NO SPECIAL NEEDS, beyond an almost pathological refusal to support himself) sponge off us AND our children until he dies. We made it clear this would not be part of our plans and that we do not view it as necessary, and suddenly BIL is on a career path and working and saving money.

Now that she's seen the light, MIL (FIL has since passed) is finally trying to get him to move out of her home (where he has lived for 20 years, rent free). He has an income and some savings and could afford to buy a condo or a small house, but he keeps putting it off, because I think he doesn't know how to structure his life where it doesn't revolve around his mother making all his meals and providing him with a social life. He has lost touch with friend and peers who have built lives for themselves. We have been supporting her in standing up to him to get him out of her house. He is nearing 50 and, again, no special needs. He is just entitled and has always thought he was a little too good for whatever was available to him as options for a more independent life, so he's sponged off his parents thinking that his "big break" was around the corner, and didn't just put in the time necessary to build something. Now he is basically being handed it (his parents paid for both his original college degree, which he never used, and this more recent vocational program, have bought him a car, and his mom is now offering him the money for a down payment on a home even though he does have savings) and he's still fighting it.

Just say you won't do it, and watch how fast your sister suddenly decides maybe she could find a job doing marketing or filing or manning a front desk somewhere. She can massage her lack of work history by saying she's been taking care of her elderly father (a lie, of course, but a useful one that might get her full time work). She can stay in her parents' house until she's stable enough financially to move out. And then she figures it out. Better for this to happen now, while they are still alive, than waiting until they die and you trying to extract yourself.

Tell them now that you will NOT do it. She is an adult and needs to act like one. You didn't sign up to be her permanent caretaker. NO.

[Anonymous]

Ask them to set up a trust for her, if they want her to be supported - but make it clear your income will support only your own family/children. You just have to be okay with any fallout.