Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a FTL uncle. His siblings and their spouses were super pissed being saddled with him asking for money all the time after their dad died. They stopped giving money and his health deteriorated pretty quickly without proper health care and nutrition. My sister, his niece, went to visit and found him emaciated. She started getting him signed up for services, which he qualified for, but his own parents and siblings never did that which really surprises me in retrospect. He really wasn’t capable of figuring out how to do that in his own.

I would urge OP and others to seek diagnoses and services the FTL people probably qualify for as early as possible. Don’t let them starve and don’t let them freeload if they qualify for government assistance.

Part of the problem is that their parents did not want to deal with the stigma of mental illness, learning disabilities and developmental disabilities. The buck gets passed to the siblings.

In my sibling's family, it's the oldest child with austism. The other three kids also have tremendous need and I suspect are on the spectrum, but the parents created this dynamic where it's just this one kids' needs versus everyone else, and everyone must center this one kid. So noone got the help they needed, not even the one that they cater to because it's more for their identity than anything else. It's like tehy couldn't cognitively handle other kids with needs. One has very severe ADHD, and my sibling is like "ADHD can be managed, it's not the autism". I 'm like "YES BUT YOU HAVE TO MANAGE IT!" Not just sit there .

[Anonymous]

Your mom won’t let you kick the sibling out. So keep sib and mom together and have sib care for mom.
Once mom is close to passing, have sib move out (maybe lure her out) so that she doesn’t squat in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a FTL uncle. His siblings and their spouses were super pissed being saddled with him asking for money all the time after their dad died. They stopped giving money and his health deteriorated pretty quickly without proper health care and nutrition. My sister, his niece, went to visit and found him emaciated. She started getting him signed up for services, which he qualified for, but his own parents and siblings never did that which really surprises me in retrospect. He really wasn’t capable of figuring out how to do that in his own.

I would urge OP and others to seek diagnoses and services the FTL people probably qualify for as early as possible. Don’t let them starve and don’t let them freeload if they qualify for government assistance.

Part of the problem is that their parents did not want to deal with the stigma of mental illness, learning disabilities and developmental disabilities. The buck gets passed to the siblings.

In my sibling's family, it's the oldest child with austism. The other three kids also have tremendous need and I suspect are on the spectrum, but the parents created this dynamic where it's just this one kids' needs versus everyone else, and everyone must center this one kid. So noone got the help they needed, not even the one that they cater to because it's more for their identity than anything else. It's like tehy couldn't cognitively handle other kids with needs. One has very severe ADHD, and my sibling is like "ADHD can be managed, it's not the autism". I 'm like "YES BUT YOU HAVE TO MANAGE IT!" Not just sit there .

So relatable. The assumption that if you don't have the biggest, worst problem in the family, then you have no problems at all AND have the capacity to help and support the one person with the most problems is so common.

I think on all the challenges I've dealt with as an adult with absolutely no support from my family -- depression, a birth injury, a kidney disorder, my husband losing both his parents, and a kid with special needs. And I've never had a parent or sibling offer any kind of support through any of that -- no one has ever come to stay with my kids while I rehabbed from surgery, or checked in on me while I struggled through depression, or reached out to support my family through loss.

And now they think I'm going to take in one of my siblings like a third child and support them until I die? NO. Why? I had to figure it out. So can they. It's not how I think it should be and it's not how I treat my own children, but it's the precedent my parents set and I'm not going to martyr myself to fixing their mistakes.

[Anonymous]

It ends with your parents. Someone needs to stop enabling her. Might as well be you. There is zero chance that I would take in an able bodied adult who just doesn’t want to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a FTL uncle. His siblings and their spouses were super pissed being saddled with him asking for money all the time after their dad died. They stopped giving money and his health deteriorated pretty quickly without proper health care and nutrition. My sister, his niece, went to visit and found him emaciated. She started getting him signed up for services, which he qualified for, but his own parents and siblings never did that which really surprises me in retrospect. He really wasn’t capable of figuring out how to do that in his own.

I would urge OP and others to seek diagnoses and services the FTL people probably qualify for as early as possible. Don’t let them starve and don’t let them freeload if they qualify for government assistance.

Part of the problem is that their parents did not want to deal with the stigma of mental illness, learning disabilities and developmental disabilities. The buck gets passed to the siblings.

In my sibling's family, it's the oldest child with austism. The other three kids also have tremendous need and I suspect are on the spectrum, but the parents created this dynamic where it's just this one kids' needs versus everyone else, and everyone must center this one kid. So noone got the help they needed, not even the one that they cater to because it's more for their identity than anything else. It's like tehy couldn't cognitively handle other kids with needs. One has very severe ADHD, and my sibling is like "ADHD can be managed, it's not the autism". I 'm like "YES BUT YOU HAVE TO MANAGE IT!" Not just sit there .

So relatable. The assumption that if you don't have the biggest, worst problem in the family, then you have no problems at all AND have the capacity to help and support the one person with the most problems is so common.

I think on all the challenges I've dealt with as an adult with absolutely no support from my family -- depression, a birth injury, a kidney disorder, my husband losing both his parents, and a kid with special needs. And I've never had a parent or sibling offer any kind of support through any of that -- no one has ever come to stay with my kids while I rehabbed from surgery, or checked in on me while I struggled through depression, or reached out to support my family through loss.

And now they think I'm going to take in one of my siblings like a third child and support them until I die? NO. Why? I had to figure it out. So can they. It's not how I think it should be and it's not how I treat my own children, but it's the precedent my parents set and I'm not going to martyr myself to fixing their mistakes.

Oh my gosh, are you me? My sister had an entire orbit of people helping her babysit when she didn't even have a job. It was always "Oh, but she doesn't know how to manage things like you do" Well that's because it was sink or swim for me. And I've had MAJOR health issues, but oh no, you need to be the one to do airport pickup because your sister has kids and it's raining! GTFOH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a FTL uncle. His siblings and their spouses were super pissed being saddled with him asking for money all the time after their dad died. They stopped giving money and his health deteriorated pretty quickly without proper health care and nutrition. My sister, his niece, went to visit and found him emaciated. She started getting him signed up for services, which he qualified for, but his own parents and siblings never did that which really surprises me in retrospect. He really wasn’t capable of figuring out how to do that in his own.

I would urge OP and others to seek diagnoses and services the FTL people probably qualify for as early as possible. Don’t let them starve and don’t let them freeload if they qualify for government assistance.

Part of the problem is that their parents did not want to deal with the stigma of mental illness, learning disabilities and developmental disabilities. The buck gets passed to the siblings.

In my sibling's family, it's the oldest child with austism. The other three kids also have tremendous need and I suspect are on the spectrum, but the parents created this dynamic where it's just this one kids' needs versus everyone else, and everyone must center this one kid. So noone got the help they needed, not even the one that they cater to because it's more for their identity than anything else. It's like tehy couldn't cognitively handle other kids with needs. One has very severe ADHD, and my sibling is like "ADHD can be managed, it's not the autism". I 'm like "YES BUT YOU HAVE TO MANAGE IT!" Not just sit there .

So relatable. The assumption that if you don't have the biggest, worst problem in the family, then you have no problems at all AND have the capacity to help and support the one person with the most problems is so common.

I think on all the challenges I've dealt with as an adult with absolutely no support from my family -- depression, a birth injury, a kidney disorder, my husband losing both his parents, and a kid with special needs. And I've never had a parent or sibling offer any kind of support through any of that -- no one has ever come to stay with my kids while I rehabbed from surgery, or checked in on me while I struggled through depression, or reached out to support my family through loss.

And now they think I'm going to take in one of my siblings like a third child and support them until I die? NO. Why? I had to figure it out. So can they. It's not how I think it should be and it's not how I treat my own children, but it's the precedent my parents set and I'm not going to martyr myself to fixing their mistakes.

+1. We were asked to do the same and said no. Now we are ostracized from the rest of the family for being "selfish." I guess we'll just muddle through by ourselves as usual.

[Anonymous]

There has to be more to this? I understand this is your perspective and that there is surely truth in it, but there must be more to this. Can you tell us the story from your parents’ perspective? Or maybe your sister’s if you can do it constructively? I just want to understand what is actually happening. It just seems so absurd that I know there must be more to the story.

[Anonymous]

^ is this an old school culture situation where women are traditionally supposed to be married off? If she’s very beautiful, did that factor into a plan to marry her off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There has to be more to this? I understand this is your perspective and that there is surely truth in it, but there must be more to this. Can you tell us the story from your parents’ perspective? Or maybe your sister’s if you can do it constructively? I just want to understand what is actually happening. It just seems so absurd that I know there must be more to the story.

I am a PP with a sibling like this. Stop being an apologist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a FTL uncle. His siblings and their spouses were super pissed being saddled with him asking for money all the time after their dad died. They stopped giving money and his health deteriorated pretty quickly without proper health care and nutrition. My sister, his niece, went to visit and found him emaciated. She started getting him signed up for services, which he qualified for, but his own parents and siblings never did that which really surprises me in retrospect. He really wasn’t capable of figuring out how to do that in his own.

I would urge OP and others to seek diagnoses and services the FTL people probably qualify for as early as possible. Don’t let them starve and don’t let them freeload if they qualify for government assistance.

Part of the problem is that their parents did not want to deal with the stigma of mental illness, learning disabilities and developmental disabilities. The buck gets passed to the siblings.

In my sibling's family, it's the oldest child with austism. The other three kids also have tremendous need and I suspect are on the spectrum, but the parents created this dynamic where it's just this one kids' needs versus everyone else, and everyone must center this one kid. So noone got the help they needed, not even the one that they cater to because it's more for their identity than anything else. It's like tehy couldn't cognitively handle other kids with needs. One has very severe ADHD, and my sibling is like "ADHD can be managed, it's not the autism". I 'm like "YES BUT YOU HAVE TO MANAGE IT!" Not just sit there .

So relatable. The assumption that if you don't have the biggest, worst problem in the family, then you have no problems at all AND have the capacity to help and support the one person with the most problems is so common.

I think on all the challenges I've dealt with as an adult with absolutely no support from my family -- depression, a birth injury, a kidney disorder, my husband losing both his parents, and a kid with special needs. And I've never had a parent or sibling offer any kind of support through any of that -- no one has ever come to stay with my kids while I rehabbed from surgery, or checked in on me while I struggled through depression, or reached out to support my family through loss.

And now they think I'm going to take in one of my siblings like a third child and support them until I die? NO. Why? I had to figure it out. So can they. It's not how I think it should be and it's not how I treat my own children, but it's the precedent my parents set and I'm not going to martyr myself to fixing their mistakes.

+1. We were asked to do the same and said no. Now we are ostracized from the rest of the family for being "selfish." I guess we'll just muddle through by ourselves as usual.

I bet my siblings think I was a freeloader. Every career move I made was criticized. My parents criticized everything I did. Every time I tried to leave they outlined all of the problems they foresaw. I attempted to leave and left and had horrible depression. I forgot how to do things I used to be able to do like grocery shop and cook. When I left I couldn't afford things like car repairs so I kept going back. My self esteem and confidence was wrecked.

Now that I finally got out from under their thumb and criticism, and their "help" I'm doing ok I have to start adulting over at 45.

I wasn't living high on the hog, freeloading...I was trapped in many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a FTL uncle. His siblings and their spouses were super pissed being saddled with him asking for money all the time after their dad died. They stopped giving money and his health deteriorated pretty quickly without proper health care and nutrition. My sister, his niece, went to visit and found him emaciated. She started getting him signed up for services, which he qualified for, but his own parents and siblings never did that which really surprises me in retrospect. He really wasn’t capable of figuring out how to do that in his own.

I would urge OP and others to seek diagnoses and services the FTL people probably qualify for as early as possible. Don’t let them starve and don’t let them freeload if they qualify for government assistance.

Part of the problem is that their parents did not want to deal with the stigma of mental illness, learning disabilities and developmental disabilities. The buck gets passed to the siblings.

In my sibling's family, it's the oldest child with austism. The other three kids also have tremendous need and I suspect are on the spectrum, but the parents created this dynamic where it's just this one kids' needs versus everyone else, and everyone must center this one kid. So noone got the help they needed, not even the one that they cater to because it's more for their identity than anything else. It's like tehy couldn't cognitively handle other kids with needs. One has very severe ADHD, and my sibling is like "ADHD can be managed, it's not the autism". I 'm like "YES BUT YOU HAVE TO MANAGE IT!" Not just sit there .

So relatable. The assumption that if you don't have the biggest, worst problem in the family, then you have no problems at all AND have the capacity to help and support the one person with the most problems is so common.

I think on all the challenges I've dealt with as an adult with absolutely no support from my family -- depression, a birth injury, a kidney disorder, my husband losing both his parents, and a kid with special needs. And I've never had a parent or sibling offer any kind of support through any of that -- no one has ever come to stay with my kids while I rehabbed from surgery, or checked in on me while I struggled through depression, or reached out to support my family through loss.

And now they think I'm going to take in one of my siblings like a third child and support them until I die? NO. Why? I had to figure it out. So can they. It's not how I think it should be and it's not how I treat my own children, but it's the precedent my parents set and I'm not going to martyr myself to fixing their mistakes.

+1. We were asked to do the same and said no. Now we are ostracized from the rest of the family for being "selfish." I guess we'll just muddle through by ourselves as usual.

I bet my siblings think I was a freeloader. Every career move I made was criticized. My parents criticized everything I did. Every time I tried to leave they outlined all of the problems they foresaw. I attempted to leave and left and had horrible depression. I forgot how to do things I used to be able to do like grocery shop and cook. When I left I couldn't afford things like car repairs so I kept going back. My self esteem and confidence was wrecked.

Now that I finally got out from under their thumb and criticism, and their "help" I'm doing ok I have to start adulting over at 45.

I wasn't living high on the hog, freeloading...I was trapped in many ways.

Are you for real? Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a FTL uncle. His siblings and their spouses were super pissed being saddled with him asking for money all the time after their dad died. They stopped giving money and his health deteriorated pretty quickly without proper health care and nutrition. My sister, his niece, went to visit and found him emaciated. She started getting him signed up for services, which he qualified for, but his own parents and siblings never did that which really surprises me in retrospect. He really wasn’t capable of figuring out how to do that in his own.

I would urge OP and others to seek diagnoses and services the FTL people probably qualify for as early as possible. Don’t let them starve and don’t let them freeload if they qualify for government assistance.

Part of the problem is that their parents did not want to deal with the stigma of mental illness, learning disabilities and developmental disabilities. The buck gets passed to the siblings.

In my sibling's family, it's the oldest child with austism. The other three kids also have tremendous need and I suspect are on the spectrum, but the parents created this dynamic where it's just this one kids' needs versus everyone else, and everyone must center this one kid. So noone got the help they needed, not even the one that they cater to because it's more for their identity than anything else. It's like tehy couldn't cognitively handle other kids with needs. One has very severe ADHD, and my sibling is like "ADHD can be managed, it's not the autism". I 'm like "YES BUT YOU HAVE TO MANAGE IT!" Not just sit there .

So relatable. The assumption that if you don't have the biggest, worst problem in the family, then you have no problems at all AND have the capacity to help and support the one person with the most problems is so common.

I think on all the challenges I've dealt with as an adult with absolutely no support from my family -- depression, a birth injury, a kidney disorder, my husband losing both his parents, and a kid with special needs. And I've never had a parent or sibling offer any kind of support through any of that -- no one has ever come to stay with my kids while I rehabbed from surgery, or checked in on me while I struggled through depression, or reached out to support my family through loss.

And now they think I'm going to take in one of my siblings like a third child and support them until I die? NO. Why? I had to figure it out. So can they. It's not how I think it should be and it's not how I treat my own children, but it's the precedent my parents set and I'm not going to martyr myself to fixing their mistakes.

+1. We were asked to do the same and said no. Now we are ostracized from the rest of the family for being "selfish." I guess we'll just muddle through by ourselves as usual.

I bet my siblings think I was a freeloader. Every career move I made was criticized. My parents criticized everything I did. Every time I tried to leave they outlined all of the problems they foresaw. I attempted to leave and left and had horrible depression. I forgot how to do things I used to be able to do like grocery shop and cook. When I left I couldn't afford things like car repairs so I kept going back. My self esteem and confidence was wrecked.

Now that I finally got out from under their thumb and criticism, and their "help" I'm doing ok I have to start adulting over at 45.

I wasn't living high on the hog, freeloading...I was trapped in many ways.

You were trapped because you allowed yourself to be trapped. If you’re anything like my sister, you pretend to be this modern independent woman online and somehow figure out how to use social media, reels, etc but can’t be bothered to walk into a bank to get your statement or open a google doc. You scoff at rules and expectations of others who you are receiving help and shelter from, but haven’t put in the work to be an adult

[Anonymous]

I would encourage your parents to speak with a good estate planning/elder law attorney. There are many details that need to be discussed to help them find the best solution. While you you are your siblings are not the clients in this situation, your feedback might be helpful for the lawyer to help guide your parents for end-of-life planning. Time to open the lines of communication, make it clear that you are unwilling to support or house your sister ever, and live with the decision your parents make about their estate and any trusts. But you will never be under any obligation to house or support your sister if you don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would encourage your parents to speak with a good estate planning/elder law attorney. There are many details that need to be discussed to help them find the best solution. While you you are your siblings are not the clients in this situation, your feedback might be helpful for the lawyer to help guide your parents for end-of-life planning. Time to open the lines of communication, make it clear that you are unwilling to support or house your sister ever, and live with the decision your parents make about their estate and any trusts. But you will never be under any obligation to house or support your sister if you don't want to.

Yep. Tell your parents they they need to set up their estate to provide for your sister if that's really what they want to do. Tell them unequivocally "no" about taking in and taking care of your able bodied, "beautiful" sister. You have your own children to care for. The estate planning needs to provide for OP's mother's care and then have some sort of trust for the sister where she receives some sort of allowance so that she can't burn through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There has to be more to this? I understand this is your perspective and that there is surely truth in it, but there must be more to this. Can you tell us the story from your parents’ perspective? Or maybe your sister’s if you can do it constructively? I just want to understand what is actually happening. It just seems so absurd that I know there must be more to the story.

Why? I have witnessed lots of families that head high expectations for the older kids and enabled the youngest.

OP make it clear to your dad that you will not support your sister and that the best thing he can do is help her find a job and help her to live on her own. At 35 she can still learn. It will be rough, but it is possible.