Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this thread and all the sharing.

We are three sisters. Our mom lives independently and owns her apartment. She has someone come in three days a week to clean and prep meals but can barely afford that.

One sister (58) is out of work, has no children and lives close to my mom and is currently not working. I could see her moving to help day-to-day.

She has struggled the last ten years with alcohol (not daily, but at a party always gets drunk). She’s now distraught as her ex-husband died traumatically (Sister’s ex called her threatening suicide. Sister called police, but ex had already taken a mix of alcohol and Tylenol/cold medicine; Ex had overdosed before they arrived). She blames herself for not calling sooner.

Reading this thread is helpful to remind me to clarify my boundaries. And help make sure my sisters are clear on my mom’s plans for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is remarkable how many of you assume there will be an estate plan when only 30% of Americans even have a will.

A relative just died without one; the result is that her assets are being split between the children evenly (and one of those children is going to have some significant problems that could have been avoided as a result—she’s on Medicaid).

I would bet a lot more people are in this situation than posters here seem to think.

I have a will, but if you don’t have one then the state usually has a default will for you. Like pp said, it’s usually an even split among siblings, unless a spouse is alive and then it all goes to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is remarkable how many of you assume there will be an estate plan when only 30% of Americans even have a will.

A relative just died without one; the result is that her assets are being split between the children evenly (and one of those children is going to have some significant problems that could have been avoided as a result—she’s on Medicaid).

I would bet a lot more people are in this situation than posters here seem to think.

I have a will, but if you don’t have one then the state usually has a default will for you. Like pp said, it’s usually an even split among siblings, unless a spouse is alive and then it all goes to them.

Please don't play lawyer. You'll get sued. And lose.

Intestacy rules vary state to state. Check and see what will actually happen. And is the surviving spouse the first spouse or later? Were there children from a prior marriage? All sorts of variables.

[Anonymous]

Don’t cast judgments on their parenting because that will only make them defensive. Simply reiterate that you work hard and make great sacrifices for the things you have. Be clear that subsidizing another able-bodied adult isn’t going to be possible.

[Anonymous]

You asked "How do we navigate this now so it doesn’t all blow up at some point."

I mean, you can set boundaries, be clear about what you will/won't do, etc. But unless sister suddenly sees the light, there is inevitably going to be a blow up. But it won't be your fault and you can't control it.

[Anonymous]

This is tricky to navigate with family dynamics. Seems like clarity and written communications most critical.