Reply to Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DW filed for divorce and she said we should tell our 2 kids 13 and 10 that WE are divorcing. I think she should tell them separately that she is divorcing me. Why do I have to protect her after she cheated and filed for divorce? [/quote]

I think you have to tell them together the first time, "we are divorcing" because you want to be there so that you can answer questions and reassure them that you both love them, they didn't do anything wrong to cause your divorce and lay out briefly what kind of schedule/housing/school is in their future.

If you let her tell them alone, you have no f'ing clue what she will say; she will be setting the tone for how the kids view the divorce.  I don't know about your cheating wife's emotional maturity, sensitivity, honesty and empathy levels, but I *definitely* knew my then DH didn't have the emotional skills or reliability not to F up telling the kids on his own after divorce.

I insisted we go to therapy for 1 session and hash out a mutually agreed message and sit down together and deliver it.  I also insisted that he had to open the discussion and deliver the message, but that I would be there to answer questions and agree if the message was delivered as agreed upon.  During therapy, the therapist said we should say we didn't love each other any more.  I absolutely refused to say that.  Instead, we explained to DC (then 5) that we were ending our relationship as husband and wife because we didn't agree about how to live together any more. (skipping over the "he wouldn't agree to keep his D in his pants as promised part).  We explained that even though we were no longer be husband and wife and live together, each of us would always be Mom and Dad and that DC would always get to spend time with each of us.

Then DH did open the conversation and deliver the agreed upon message, and I supported by also talking about who will live where and when DC would see Dad. Then DH, of course, looked extremely uncomfortable about the whole convo, and when DC got up and ran away crying from the table, and I followed her, then DH took the opportunity to slip out of the house and leave me holding the bag on his mess.

It was wrong, but, honestly, given all that he did, I had no reason to expect better of him. I was able to provide more explanation about divorce (just like friends parents have to agree on things like how to spend time and money, where to live, what kind of friends to have, etc. Sometimes when parents can't agree about important things, they get help from a therapist to talk and try and agree and we had done that but we really couldn't agree and so we decided to separate.  That was loose enough to not be a lie but also not to blame now exDH. And since DC was only 5, she never asked for more detail about the why.

I always promised that if either DC ever asked (other DC was 18 mos old at time) why we broke up or if he cheated, I would answer honestly. They are now college age and have never asked. Over the years, they saw for themselves that their Dad was not a reliable guy. I think that was painful for them, but I don't think that my creating some kind of Potemkin person would have been helpful.

They do still have a relatively positive relationship with him, but they have learned the hard way the boundaries of their relationship with him and how much they can rely on him.

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