I told my friend about the business I’m starting and she crapped all over it
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Anonymous
In these situations, tone is everything. When you weight in on a friend's life, you need to remember that your friend is free to do whatever they want no matter what you say. When I'm worried about a friend, I try to just ask questions, not give advice. I think it's way less intrusive to say something like "how do you feel about his history? do you feel safe with him?" than to say "you need to break up with him, it's stupid that you are getting involved with him." She's an adult. She has to make these choices herself. Likewise, regarding OP, if the friend was worried about the viability of the business, she could have just asked something like "how are you feeling about the financial risk? do you feel comfortable with it?" or "how are you guys handling XYZ? I might have some ideas, would you be interested in hearing them?" This gives OP the chance to reach out if she needs help but also gives space for her to say "no, we're good." And then the friend stops. No one is interested in a friend who is second guessing everything they do. |
Anonymous
Op here. She did more than give her opinion. She went on a diatribe listing all the reasons why it won’t work and detailing everything she thinks I’m doing wrong. I’m hurt by it. I’m not sure there needs to be some big deep reason. But I feel like I opened up about something that matters to me and shared with her and then she crapped all over it before I had even finished explaining barely anything about it. |
Anonymous
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I work in small business advocacy and I meet a LOT of entrepreneurs in my industry. I also have a hobby that many women turn into a side hustle and I read their posts about pricing and customers on FB sites dedicated to the hobby.
I will be honest with you, OP, a LOT of small business owners have subject matter expertise and/or talent, but do not know crap about running a business. A lot of women in my hobby who use it as a side hustle don’t seem to understand the difference between revenue and profit. Many of them value their time at $0/hr and would realize that even at minimum wage, they are technically losing money on their business and would have more income if they just worked at Target or the grocery store. Finally, a lot of entrepreneurs don’t seem to understand their customer base and market well and over estimate the convert rate for advertising or what customers are willing to pay. If your friend’s unsolicited advice was stuff like “you’re making quilts? My neighbor’s daughter’s teacher sells quilts and she always donated one to the school auction for publicity. Maybe you should do that” then chalk it up to her being well meaning, but off base, and let it go as long as she doesn’t bring it up again. But also consider that maybe you didn’t think everything through and you are still in the “dreaming” phase - thinking through the what ifs in case you are successful. If she brought up some considerations that you haven’t addressed yet, try to put your defensiveness aside. Someone you talk to 2-3x a week for years cares about you and there might be a grain of truth to her assessment you aren’t ready to hear. |
Anonymous
OK, you're hurt. What are you going to do about it? Punish her? She's already apologized. Now you are ruminating here about it. The ball is in your court about whether to accept the apology and move on or not. I guess not. |
Anonymous
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The friend messed up in a way that a simple apology won't fix. She created a bad dynamic that will no be part of their friendship as long as OP is involved in this business, unless the friend does more than apologize.
The friend was way overly critical and offered a ton of unsolicited advice, and then when OP didn't take it, the friend pushed back and got annoyed about it. So now now this side hustle business is a point of contention. If it succeeds, OP absolutely will feel vindicated. But also if it fails, it's going to hang over their friendship because the friend went too far in criticizing it. It's going to hard for the friend to be supportive if the plan fails, because OP will know that the friend is thinking "I told you so" even if she doesn't say it. And also now OP will be reluctant to share things like this with the friend in the future because she won't want this kind of criticism and judgment. The friend made a big mistake, not a little one. As a friend, you have to learn sometimes to hold your tongue even if you think someone is making a mistake. It's not your job to prevent your friends from making mistakes. Mistakes are part of life. Unless someone asks directly for your advice, don't give it. |
Anonymous
She was scared for you, AND she doesn't know anything about the likely outcomes. So thank her for her concern and her apology, and stop sharing information about the side hustle with her. |
Anonymous
I disagree. It's not OP's job to either "get over it" or not. The friend way overstepped. The friend has to prove to OP that she can be supportive and that she won't do this again, or OP won't go to her next time she has news about something new she's doing. The friend screwed up the dynamics of the friendship and an apology does not repair that. |
Anonymous
Is there any truth to what she says? Why would she be so passionate about this? |
Anonymous
Op here. I think I just need some space from her. I don’t really accept her apology in this moment because I think she doesn’t even understand why I’m upset. It’s just a generic “sorry I said things you weren’t ready to hear.” This isn’t the first time I’ve had this particular kind of struggle with this friend so I think I need to take some space and then just see how things feel later on. |
Anonymous
Op here. This is a big part of it. She asked ZERO questions. No curiosity. I had barely one minute of air time sharing with her about this new project before she launched into her diatribe picking it apart. She went on for 15+ minutes. This all happened yesterday when we went on a walk together and I was just sharing a tiny bit about what’s going on with me. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry but a lot of you are saying that the friend "apologized" but what kind of apology is:
I'm sorry that I gave you feedback you weren't ready to hear That is NOT an apology for her actions. That's akin to saying I'm sorry you feel that way - not I'm sorry that I did something. And the friend did do something - she was negative, and per OP gave reasons why she would fail and was not remotely supportive. I'm with you OP. I'd give myself some time and distance but if your question is "what should I say" - say the truth because your "friend" apparently has no issues with telling it like SHE sees it. Tell her that you need time and space and that her apology was trash. Tell her that instead of supporting you, she gave you unsolicited advice that was negative and wrong. Tell her that you no longer wish to discuss this project/hustle/business with her ever again. And tell her to learn how to apologize like an adult. |
Anonymous
Was just coming to say this. The apology was not an apology. She took zero responsibility for what she did, and likely still think she was right. Because she truly believes it is her place to weigh in on this business and that it is her job to tell OP what to do with regards to something that has NOTHING to do with the friend. So the apology is meaningless. She sounds really controlling and condescending. I cannot maintain friendships with people who always have to be right or have to be in charge. I think OP's friend needs to learn what it actually means to "mind your own business." |
Anonymous
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SHE APOLOGIZED MULTIPLE TIMES.
The way out of this is to say: “I accept your apology. Let’s move past this.” And then give yourself a little space to cool off, since your feathers were so terribly ruffled. |
Anonymous
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This is one of those questions that I think results in skewed responses on DCUM. DC has an outsized number of people with the friend's personality. They really do think they know everything and that everyone wants their insight on everything. Also a lot of people who are comfortable telling people what to do and thinks that's a normal way to interact with a friend.
It's just a really aggressive personality type that is common in DC (as well as in certain industries like law). People who are like this, grew up like this, and spend a lot of time around people like this, think it's normal and that a comment like "sorry I told you something you weren't ready to hear" is an acceptable apology and not actually just ANOTHER insult. But outside this area or these industries, most people get that the friend way overstepped and that apology was actually just another example of her being SUPER condescending and rude. That's why there are a weird number of people on the thread arguing "she apologized, move on" or "well maybe your business IS bad." Because they have the same personality disorder as OP's friend. It's very prevalent here and it's common on DCUM as well. |
Anonymous
But why did she have so much to say about this? Does she have knowledge or experience? Or do you think she would have responded to any new business venture in the same way? |