I told my friend about the business I’m starting and she crapped all over it

[Anonymous]

OP- you don’t need to justify it to DCUM. Your friend hurt your feelings and changed the dynamic of your friendship. It is OK to decide you need space from her! Your friend may think it’s “unfair” but “fairness” isn’t relevant. You don’t want to spend time with her now and she doesn’t get to demand that from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those questions that I think results in skewed responses on DCUM. DC has an outsized number of people with the friend's personality. They really do think they know everything and that everyone wants their insight on everything. Also a lot of people who are comfortable telling people what to do and thinks that's a normal way to interact with a friend.

It's just a really aggressive personality type that is common in DC (as well as in certain industries like law). People who are like this, grew up like this, and spend a lot of time around people like this, think it's normal and that a comment like "sorry I told you something you weren't ready to hear" is an acceptable apology and not actually just ANOTHER insult.

But outside this area or these industries, most people get that the friend way overstepped and that apology was actually just another example of her being SUPER condescending and rude.

That's why there are a weird number of people on the thread arguing "she apologized, move on" or "well maybe your business IS bad." Because they have the same personality disorder as OP's friend.

It's very prevalent here and it's common on DCUM as well.

If all that you say is true, then OP could tell her that her "sorry that I told you something you didn't want to hear" was offensive and a non-apology. And then her friend would be hurt, and stewing.

Would the friend learn from that? Maybe, maybe not. Would that end the friendship? Maybe, maybe not. Does OP want to end the friendship? DCUM, and you, are basically encouraging her to do so. If she is rich in friends, then she should ditch her. Few of us are rich in friends though, we just acknowledge and accept that no one is perfect and no friend does everything we want them to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might make sense with an mlm, but in that field I wonder if your friend is reacting from insecurities

Op here. It’s not an MLM. It’s in the tech/AI/cybersecurity space which is where DH, brother, and I all work. And we are spending no more than a few thousand dollars on it, and no one is quitting their job.

Why do you care so much about your friend's opinion on this if it's just small potatoes?

Op here. She did more than give her opinion. She went on a diatribe listing all the reasons why it won’t work and detailing everything she thinks I’m doing wrong.

I’m hurt by it. I’m not sure there needs to be some big deep reason. But I feel like I opened up about something that matters to me and shared with her and then she crapped all over it before I had even finished explaining barely anything about it.

OP, you see and talk to her many times a week, I think I read.

She struck a nerve. That is why you are blowing this up.
She felt close enough to be brutally honest with you. Many others likely do not.

Go into this knowing your $5k (and more as a last ditch attempt to keep it afloat) will likely disappear.
If it takes off for all of you, awesome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might make sense with an mlm, but in that field I wonder if your friend is reacting from insecurities

Op here. It’s not an MLM. It’s in the tech/AI/cybersecurity space which is where DH, brother, and I all work. And we are spending no more than a few thousand dollars on it, and no one is quitting their job.

Why do you care so much about your friend's opinion on this if it's just small potatoes?

Op here. She did more than give her opinion. She went on a diatribe listing all the reasons why it won’t work and detailing everything she thinks I’m doing wrong.

I’m hurt by it. I’m not sure there needs to be some big deep reason. But I feel like I opened up about something that matters to me and shared with her and then she crapped all over it before I had even finished explaining barely anything about it.

OP, you see and talk to her many times a week, I think I read.

She struck a nerve. That is why you are blowing this up.
She felt close enough to be brutally honest with you. Many others likely do not.

Go into this knowing your $5k (and more as a last ditch attempt to keep it afloat) will likely disappear.
If it takes off for all of you, awesome!

I hate when ppl say they are "just being honest" or "telling it like it is" as if their OPINION means they can be rude, negative and condescending. OP didn't ask her for an opinion and if I had a "friend" who wanted to just dump on me and criticize a project I'm pursuing out of "honesty" and no actual helpful advice and information then I'd reevaluate that friendship.

A lot of you get off thinking that being a true friend means ripping into said friend whenever you want out of the guise of "concern" and you're not fooling anyone. You're mean and insecure - and it shows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might make sense with an mlm, but in that field I wonder if your friend is reacting from insecurities

Op here. It’s not an MLM. It’s in the tech/AI/cybersecurity space which is where DH, brother, and I all work. And we are spending no more than a few thousand dollars on it, and no one is quitting their job.

Why do you care so much about your friend's opinion on this if it's just small potatoes?

Op here. She did more than give her opinion. She went on a diatribe listing all the reasons why it won’t work and detailing everything she thinks I’m doing wrong.

I’m hurt by it. I’m not sure there needs to be some big deep reason. But I feel like I opened up about something that matters to me and shared with her and then she crapped all over it before I had even finished explaining barely anything about it.

OP, you see and talk to her many times a week, I think I read.

She struck a nerve. That is why you are blowing this up.
She felt close enough to be brutally honest with you. Many others likely do not.

Go into this knowing your $5k (and more as a last ditch attempt to keep it afloat) will likely disappear.
If it takes off for all of you, awesome!

OP didn't invest $5k. She says that's the total outlay between three people and that it's not even all invested yet. So at most OP will spend 1-2k, and so far she's likely spent much less.

Also, anyone who would criticize something this swiftly without asking any questions about it (OP said the friend didn't ask her a single question and that in a conversation about OP's new venture, OP only spoke for a couple minutes to describe it and then the friend spent fifteen or more minutes making critical comments) is not a great judge, in my opinion.

On Shark Tank, they usually ask a number of questions even when they are skeptical from the start. It's the only way to learn enough to know whether it's a viable idea or not. You might miss out on a really brilliant opportunity because you wrote it off immediately without taking a moment to ask just a few questions.

OP's friend sounds judgmental and impulsive. She might have been "being honest" but that doesn't mean she's also wise.

[Anonymous]

Your exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give her some grace. She regrets it and she’s trying to apologize. Your feelings are hurt, and I get that. Mine would be, too. But this is forgivable, especially because she’s trying. Now go prove her wrong!

Op here. I’m not going to end the friendship but I definitely need some time and space. We’d ordinarily talk/text/or see each other several days a week, but I need at least a few weeks off.

The thing is, I don’t need to prove her wrong. Like just even having that thought tells me this is not the right kind of friendship for me. My friend should be rooting for me.

The bolded is wrong. She IS rooting for you. She's just worried for the risk you're taking, and a little ignorant about the particular details. You sound immature to not realize that. My friend just told me she's dating a new guy, and he has a kid and a record for domestic violence. I told her to run. Would she say I'm "not rooting for her"? No. She knows I don't want her to get beaten up!

Op here. You’re comparing me starting a side hustle with DH and my brother to your friend who is dating a guy with a criminal record?

Ugh. I HATE when people say this. Do you not know what an example to illustrate your point is? Shes not saying the situations are the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might make sense with an mlm, but in that field I wonder if your friend is reacting from insecurities

Op here. It’s not an MLM. It’s in the tech/AI/cybersecurity space which is where DH, brother, and I all work. And we are spending no more than a few thousand dollars on it, and no one is quitting their job.

Why do you care so much about your friend's opinion on this if it's just small potatoes?

Op here. She did more than give her opinion. She went on a diatribe listing all the reasons why it won’t work and detailing everything she thinks I’m doing wrong.

I’m hurt by it. I’m not sure there needs to be some big deep reason. But I feel like I opened up about something that matters to me and shared with her and then she crapped all over it before I had even finished explaining barely anything about it.

OP, you see and talk to her many times a week, I think I read.

She struck a nerve. That is why you are blowing this up.
She felt close enough to be brutally honest with you. Many others likely do not.

Go into this knowing your $5k (and more as a last ditch attempt to keep it afloat) will likely disappear.
If it takes off for all of you, awesome!

OP didn't invest $5k. She says that's the total outlay between three people and that it's not even all invested yet. So at most OP will spend 1-2k, and so far she's likely spent much less.

Also, anyone who would criticize something this swiftly without asking any questions about it (OP said the friend didn't ask her a single question and that in a conversation about OP's new venture, OP only spoke for a couple minutes to describe it and then the friend spent fifteen or more minutes making critical comments) is not a great judge, in my opinion.

On Shark Tank, they usually ask a number of questions even when they are skeptical from the start. It's the only way to learn enough to know whether it's a viable idea or not. You might miss out on a really brilliant opportunity because you wrote it off immediately without taking a moment to ask just a few questions.

OP's friend sounds judgmental and impulsive. She might have been "being honest" but that doesn't mean she's also wise.

Most new businesses fail. Her friend is a broken clock. That doesn't make the friend right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your exhausting.

Exhausting what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might make sense with an mlm, but in that field I wonder if your friend is reacting from insecurities

Op here. It’s not an MLM. It’s in the tech/AI/cybersecurity space which is where DH, brother, and I all work. And we are spending no more than a few thousand dollars on it, and no one is quitting their job.

Why do you care so much about your friend's opinion on this if it's just small potatoes?

Op here. She did more than give her opinion. She went on a diatribe listing all the reasons why it won’t work and detailing everything she thinks I’m doing wrong.

I’m hurt by it. I’m not sure there needs to be some big deep reason. But I feel like I opened up about something that matters to me and shared with her and then she crapped all over it before I had even finished explaining barely anything about it.

OP, you see and talk to her many times a week, I think I read.

She struck a nerve. That is why you are blowing this up.
She felt close enough to be brutally honest with you. Many others likely do not.

Go into this knowing your $5k (and more as a last ditch attempt to keep it afloat) will likely disappear.
If it takes off for all of you, awesome!

I hate when ppl say they are "just being honest" or "telling it like it is" as if their OPINION means they can be rude, negative and condescending. OP didn't ask her for an opinion and if I had a "friend" who wanted to just dump on me and criticize a project I'm pursuing out of "honesty" and no actual helpful advice and information then I'd reevaluate that friendship.

A lot of you get off thinking that being a true friend means ripping into said friend whenever you want out of the guise of "concern" and you're not fooling anyone. You're mean and insecure - and it shows.

[I just wrote the below and then realized it's super long -- normally I delete a post when I realize it got to long, or edit it down, but actually I think this might be relevant to OP's problem and worth reading. But apologies for the novel!]

Agreed. I dropped a longtime friend who was like this (we were friends for about 8 years) after years of feeling frustrated by the dynamic and trying to talk to her about it. Her response whenever I said anything at all that she disagree with was to attack it or unfurl a 3-point explanation as to why I was wrong, or why I was making a mistake. And this was very much her explanation -- I'm just being honest, I'm a straight-shooter, if you want someone to sugar coat things, go find someone else.

I became really defensive over the course of our friendship because I felt like I always had to justify anything about my life she didn't agree with. And most of it was stuff that did not impact her in any way at all. She criticized where I chose to live, how I managed my own money (I stopped discussing anything even tangentially related to money after a few years because she was so over-critical about that subject), my skincare, my haircut, you name it. I mean, sometimes she also praised these things. But the point was she thought it was her place to say. Like she was entitled to approve or disapprove of my life.

I tried to explain to her on several occasions why this dynamic was unhealthy, but she viewed me as "hypersensitive" and said I just needed to learn to like it. I never did, and finally I just faded out of the friendship.

Looking back, I feel like it was almost an abusive dynamic. Not in a super serious way, but I think I had a lot of people pleaser tendencies and that she was a control freak and that we were drawn to each other because I saw in her someone I could "earn" approval from, and she liked being the person who got to approve/disapprove. But after a couple years I realized that having to earn the approval of your friend is weird and really unequal (I certainly never made her earn my friendship or approval, I was always supportive of her and kept any negative opinions to myself). It's crazy how long it took me to finally give up on the friendship. I wish I'd done it sooner because I wasted a lot of energy trying to convince her that I could make decisions about my own life without her input.

[Anonymous]

Op, how about this, "Friend, it could that you will be right. That could happen. But the important point is - you were rude. You don't get to be rude. Friends don't get a pass on being rude.

That would need to change significantly."

Then if the asks you how she should change, you say, "Don't give advice unless it's asked for." Let her know there are plenty of other things the two of you can talk about, not the business you've started (and don't try talking more about it to her) The two of you can/should talk about other things, going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might make sense with an mlm, but in that field I wonder if your friend is reacting from insecurities

Op here. It’s not an MLM. It’s in the tech/AI/cybersecurity space which is where DH, brother, and I all work. And we are spending no more than a few thousand dollars on it, and no one is quitting their job.

Why do you care so much about your friend's opinion on this if it's just small potatoes?

Op here. She did more than give her opinion. She went on a diatribe listing all the reasons why it won’t work and detailing everything she thinks I’m doing wrong.

I’m hurt by it. I’m not sure there needs to be some big deep reason. But I feel like I opened up about something that matters to me and shared with her and then she crapped all over it before I had even finished explaining barely anything about it.

Is there any truth to what she says? Why would she be so passionate about this?

Op here. I don’t know how to say this diplomatically but she is confident and opinionated.

She also once had a bad experience many years ago with a company that she thinks is doing the same thing my project/side hustle would be doing. They are not at all the same, but she didn’t listen long enough to even understand what I’m doing before she decided it was the same as this one company she had a bad experience with 5+ years ago. So she’s viewing it through that lens, and keeps wanting to talk about her bad experience from before.

She also claimed that I am “not truly passionate” about this project and that it “will never work unless my whole heart is in it”.

She had a bunch of other commentary and reasons why it will never work but a lot of her comments were centered on the two points above.

She listed all these things that we haven’t figured out (except, she doesn’t know what we are doing or whether we have figured them because she wasn’t listening to me). She claimed the idea is confusing to her and therefore can’t work (she doesn’t work in our industry and she’s not our target audience and didn’t take even 5 minutes to let me explain how it would work).

[Anonymous]

Meh. There are so many know-it-alls in the world. Consider yourself lucky that it is this novel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might make sense with an mlm, but in that field I wonder if your friend is reacting from insecurities

Op here. It’s not an MLM. It’s in the tech/AI/cybersecurity space which is where DH, brother, and I all work. And we are spending no more than a few thousand dollars on it, and no one is quitting their job.

Why do you care so much about your friend's opinion on this if it's just small potatoes?

Op here. She did more than give her opinion. She went on a diatribe listing all the reasons why it won’t work and detailing everything she thinks I’m doing wrong.

I’m hurt by it. I’m not sure there needs to be some big deep reason. But I feel like I opened up about something that matters to me and shared with her and then she crapped all over it before I had even finished explaining barely anything about it.

Is there any truth to what she says? Why would she be so passionate about this?

Op here. I don’t know how to say this diplomatically but she is confident and opinionated.

She also once had a bad experience many years ago with a company that she thinks is doing the same thing my project/side hustle would be doing. They are not at all the same, but she didn’t listen long enough to even understand what I’m doing before she decided it was the same as this one company she had a bad experience with 5+ years ago. So she’s viewing it through that lens, and keeps wanting to talk about her bad experience from before.

She also claimed that I am “not truly passionate” about this project and that it “will never work unless my whole heart is in it”.

She had a bunch of other commentary and reasons why it will never work but a lot of her comments were centered on the two points above.

She listed all these things that we haven’t figured out (except, she doesn’t know what we are doing or whether we have figured them because she wasn’t listening to me). She claimed the idea is confusing to her and therefore can’t work (she doesn’t work in our industry and she’s not our target audience and didn’t take even 5 minutes to let me explain how it would work).

So that makes more sense. She had a bad experience with something very similar (in her mind) and it left a very bad taste in her mouth. You should understand where she's coming from since this wasn't out of left field. But, if you can't do that and this is usual for her and not working for you, then let the friendship wither and die on the vine and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might make sense with an mlm, but in that field I wonder if your friend is reacting from insecurities

Op here. It’s not an MLM. It’s in the tech/AI/cybersecurity space which is where DH, brother, and I all work. And we are spending no more than a few thousand dollars on it, and no one is quitting their job.

Why do you care so much about your friend's opinion on this if it's just small potatoes?

Op here. She did more than give her opinion. She went on a diatribe listing all the reasons why it won’t work and detailing everything she thinks I’m doing wrong.

I’m hurt by it. I’m not sure there needs to be some big deep reason. But I feel like I opened up about something that matters to me and shared with her and then she crapped all over it before I had even finished explaining barely anything about it.

OK, you're hurt. What are you going to do about it? Punish her? She's already apologized. Now you are ruminating here about it. The ball is in your court about whether to accept the apology and move on or not. I guess not.

I disagree. It's not OP's job to either "get over it" or not. The friend way overstepped. The friend has to prove to OP that she can be supportive and that she won't do this again, or OP won't go to her next time she has news about something new she's doing. The friend screwed up the dynamics of the friendship and an apology does not repair that.

People are human. Since when do sincere apologies (backed by subsequent actions) not repair? Is this why people have so few friends nowadays? OP's friend had no ill intent.