I told my friend about the business I’m starting and she crapped all over it

[Anonymous]

Being a sideline critic is the easiest job in the world. OP's friend is like people I've sat near at baseball games. They think they are absolute geniuses and the manager is a moron. They know all the best bull pen moves and when they should and shouldn't be playing the shift. If the team loses, it's because they didn't do what this guy thought they should do. If the team wins, well, they got lucky and I guess the other team was worse. These guys are always right because they don't actually DO anything, they just sit around on the sidelines criticizing people who are actually working incredibly hard at a very high level.

OP's friend is that guy. Nobody likes that guy. It's not fun to go to games with him, he sucks all the joy out of it. Also, even when he's right, he's wrong. Because sure, sometimes the manager is mismanaging the bull pen and sometimes the shift doesn't work. But that's life. The professionals in the game will go over it later, learn from it, and make adjustments as needed. They don't need that guy. He's totally extraneous.

Do you know what they need? A freaking fan, man. Clap your hands, root on the team, put on your team hat and cheer someone on. THAT is a real service. And it takes actual effort to root someone else on, even when things aren't going well and even when they aren't performing perfectly, to say "Hey, you got this, you got this! We're behind you!" That's so much more important than being the guy who's always right.

OP: You got this! You got this! Go for it! Take a big swing!

OP's friend: Shuuut it. No one came to the game to listen to you b**ch and moan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work in small business advocacy and I meet a LOT of entrepreneurs in my industry. I also have a hobby that many women turn into a side hustle and I read their posts about pricing and customers on FB sites dedicated to the hobby.

I will be honest with you, OP, a LOT of small business owners have subject matter expertise and/or talent, but do not know crap about running a business. A lot of women in my hobby who use it as a side hustle don’t seem to understand the difference between revenue and profit. Many of them value their time at $0/hr and would realize that even at minimum wage, they are technically losing money on their business and would have more income if they just worked at Target or the grocery store. Finally, a lot of entrepreneurs don’t seem to understand their customer base and market well and over estimate the convert rate for advertising or what customers are willing to pay.

If your friend’s unsolicited advice was stuff like “you’re making quilts? My neighbor’s daughter’s teacher sells quilts and she always donated one to the school auction for publicity. Maybe you should do that” then chalk it up to her being well meaning, but off base, and let it go as long as she doesn’t bring it up again.

But also consider that maybe you didn’t think everything through and you are still in the “dreaming” phase - thinking through the what ifs in case you are successful. If she brought up some considerations that you haven’t addressed yet, try to put your defensiveness aside. Someone you talk to 2-3x a week for years cares about you and there might be a grain of truth to her assessment you aren’t ready to hear.

+1 I started a successful small business years ago. Friends and acquaintances would ask me for advice for their own businesses. I learned to avoid giving the specific advice because every single one of them had horrible business models. 99.9% chance they would get upset if I poked holes in their plans, so I would give them generic advice and send them on their way. Not one of them was profitable in the end.

OP, I'm truly sorry that there's a rift between you and your good friend. I posted earlier that she's already apologized and you should forgive her. Some of your later info suggests that maybe she hasn't actually apologized. A friend of 20 years who you're in touch with 2-3 times per week for the last 2 years might be worth exploring ways to salvage the relationship. Do you think she's truly toxic or do you think she just has a personality that jumps to trying to "fix" things even when not invited to? It's hard to tell whether you're experiencing a personality mismatch for this situation or whether there's some underlying deal breaker here.

[Anonymous]

The friend doesn't get to be rude. It doesn't matter if her advice turns out to be true or not. Good or not. It doesn't matter.

It is always rude to give unsolicited advice.

[Anonymous]

What do you need from her? Maybe tell her that. It sounds like she has apologized. Sure, she shouldn't have inserted her foot into her mouth, but it's also possible she may know more than you are aware of. My mom was a loan officer for large businesses before she retired and she learned a lot about different industries because of that. She was a CPA by trade but worked for a huge bank and ended up in the loan department. People might not have thought it of her, but she could discuss the pros and cons of real estate on Rodeo Drive and high-end restaurants in Las Vegas, because that's where her clients were. I'm just saying, your friend might have had at least a tiny bit of information to offer and you are insisting she knows nothing, which is kind of insulting. Plus she has apologized. So maybe let it go or tell her what you need from her in order to be able to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give her some grace. She regrets it and she’s trying to apologize. Your feelings are hurt, and I get that. Mine would be, too. But this is forgivable, especially because she’s trying. Now go prove her wrong!

Op here. I’m not going to end the friendship but I definitely need some time and space. We’d ordinarily talk/text/or see each other several days a week, but I need at least a few weeks off.

The thing is, I don’t need to prove her wrong. Like just even having that thought tells me this is not the right kind of friendship for me. My friend should be rooting for me.

I'm wondering how many people you interact with regularly... Some friends are the cheerleader type. Others think they're caring by warning you about potential pitfalls. This one sounds like the latter.

[Anonymous]

Criticism is the heart of love, and maybe she was blunt and maybe out of line, and maybe was trying to make sure you had thought of xyz, and maybe she could have phrased things less presumptively, but maybe you also are reacting this way because she hit on weaknesses that you can't answer and if you dig into that, maybe you need to recognize her intent to try to help, however poorly she deployed it...

[Anonymous]

I have a brother like that. He is a wonderful and generous but he is very opinionated and without a filter. It can drive me nuts at time.

[Anonymous]

I did a-hole stuff like this when I was severely depressed. Obviously I regretted it and I am glad my friends gave me another chance and stayed friends ri see me get treatment and get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Criticism is the heart of love, and maybe she was blunt and maybe out of line, and maybe was trying to make sure you had thought of xyz, and maybe she could have phrased things less presumptively, but maybe you also are reacting this way because she hit on weaknesses that you can't answer and if you dig into that, maybe you need to recognize her intent to try to help, however poorly she deployed it...

Lol, no it isn't, at least not in my world. There are a million places to go for criticism but very few to go for support and cheerleading. I had a friend once who truly believed her role in my life was to be the person who criticized. But I'm from a family full of critics, I work in a field where criticism and feedback are a built-in part of the process, and I'm also a pretty self-critical person. I don't need critical friends. At all. My friends are the people I go to who will tell me "You're great! I love you! Screw them!" when I sometimes feel like I've had enough of all the "feedback" from other corners.

The only criticism or feedback I want from friends is regarding anything I'm doing in the context of our relationship. But criticism of a business plan I'm working on? No thank you, I can get that from someone who actually knows what they are talking about (and will). That is truly not what friends are for in my book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give her some grace. She regrets it and she’s trying to apologize. Your feelings are hurt, and I get that. Mine would be, too. But this is forgivable, especially because she’s trying. Now go prove her wrong!

Op here. I’m not going to end the friendship but I definitely need some time and space. We’d ordinarily talk/text/or see each other several days a week, but I need at least a few weeks off.

The thing is, I don’t need to prove her wrong. Like just even having that thought tells me this is not the right kind of friendship for me. My friend should be rooting for me.

I'm wondering how many people you interact with regularly... Some friends are the cheerleader type. Others think they're caring by warning you about potential pitfalls. This one sounds like the latter.

+1 It seems like this friend is more of a "fixer" and is warning OP of pitfalls, whether she's right or wrong. OP seems like she's very passive and quietly seethes then explodes. It's hard to tell exactly what's happening within the context of their relationship. I do think that OP needs to think about her role in these interactions and see if there's some way to tweak it. She should communicate clearly during interactions instead of passively taking it then getting back in part at her own inability to react appropriately. It would be completely fair to tell the friend that all discussions of OP's business are off the table for the sake of their friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Criticism is the heart of love, and maybe she was blunt and maybe out of line, and maybe was trying to make sure you had thought of xyz, and maybe she could have phrased things less presumptively, but maybe you also are reacting this way because she hit on weaknesses that you can't answer and if you dig into that, maybe you need to recognize her intent to try to help, however poorly she deployed it...

Op here. This wasn’t loving or helpful criticism. Part of why it annoyed me so much is that it was rooted in a bunch of incorrect assumptions on her part and she wouldn’t let me talk because she was ranting at me.

She once had a bad experience many years ago with a company that she thinks is doing the same thing my project/side hustle would be doing. They are not at all the same, but she didn’t listen long enough to even understand what I’m doing before she decided it was the same as this one company she had a bad experience with 5+ years ago. So she’s viewing it through that lens, and keeps wanting to talk about her bad experience from before. My project is tech/AI/cybersecurity based and the stuff we are doing was impossible even 6 months ago, so it truly has NOTHING to do with her experience with a completely different company from 5 years ago.

She also claimed that I am “not truly passionate” about this project and that it “will never work unless my whole heart is in it”.

She had a bunch of other commentary and reasons why it will never work but a lot of her comments were centered on the two points above.

She listed all these things that we haven’t figured out (except, she doesn’t know what we are doing or whether we have figured them because she wasn’t listening to me). She claimed the idea is confusing to her and therefore can’t work (she doesn’t work in our industry and she’s not our target audience and didn’t take even 5 minutes to let me explain how it would work).

[Anonymous]

Did you call it a business when you talked to her? Because you seem to flip between calling it a business here and saying it’s not a business so you don’t need to do business related things.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I’m trying to think of a way to illustrate how off base her comments were without actually sharing them.

It would be sort of like if I told her I was accepted into medical school, but before I could explain which medical school or what kind of doctor I hoped to be, or when I would be starting, she started going off about how 5 years ago she had a bad experience getting a colonoscopy and therefore all doctors are scam artists. And then pointing out that I haven’t figured out how I’ll even pay for medical school (because before I even got the sentence out about it she had started on her diatribe about how she hates doctors) or what kind of doctor I want to be (because I haven’t been allowed to speak).

As part of the side hustle, we are giving some services for free (actually it’s costing us some money) to another business in order to test if our project works. And she was going on and on about how we were taking advantage of that company (again because she doesn’t have a clue how any of this works and doesn’t have any curiosity about it).

I appreciate the replies from people who seem to get it. This project is close to my heart and I know it could fail. Me sharing it with her was me opening up to her and being vulnerable, and her response really hurt me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you call it a business when you talked to her? Because you seem to flip between calling it a business here and saying it’s not a business so you don’t need to do business related things.

Op here. It’s very early in the process. I don’t think I used the word business. This isn’t the first time I’ve mentioned to her that I’m working on this thing with DH and my brother.

Not that it really matters, but yes we have an entity (just an LLC we all own) and insurance. But we are more in the R and D stage right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Op here. I just think we have a history of her making everything about her and not really listening.

I’m very introverted and she’s an extrovert so normally I don’t mind listening to her.

I think the bolded is the heart of the matter. I don't think you really like this friend and have been hanging on because of your shared history, not because you're super compatible friends. This situation now is just the camel that broke the straw's back. You're having a strong reaction to it because the friend was already bothering you but you didn't have specific grievances to attach your irritation to.

It's ok to let go of this friend. I had a best friend of many years that I dropped over something that most people wouldn't have considered friendship-ending worthy. But to me, it wasn't about that one thing, the incident was just the illustrator of a wider problem.