How should I deal with emotionally dismissive parents?

[Anonymous]

All the PP’s saying “she did the best she could” are misleading the OP. It’s a possibility but we don’t know that. She may be genuinely selfish, or prioritizing a spouse or step-child.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to having grown up with immigrant parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother did the best she could at the time. You cannot base your happiness now on asking other people to deliver more than they can. She doesn't want to rehash the past. She can't go back and change what happened, and she isn't in a place to fill your emotional needs now. You need to work on yourself now, that is the only thing you can change.

I work myself and start healing myself by accepting that she doesn’t love me? Or loves me a little but not enough? Is that what you mean? I want to accept the truth, I just don’t know what the truth is, I think a lot of my internal struggles come from this confusion.

Or, she loves you, but that doesn't mean she's going to do or say everything you want her to. She doesn't show love they way you wish she would. She shows it the way she's wired to, just like you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the PP’s saying “she did the best she could” are misleading the OP. It’s a possibility but we don’t know that. She may be genuinely selfish, or prioritizing a spouse or step-child.

It's actually the same thing. OP's mom is limited. You are just debating *why* she is limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother did the best she could at the time. You cannot base your happiness now on asking other people to deliver more than they can. She doesn't want to rehash the past. She can't go back and change what happened, and she isn't in a place to fill your emotional needs now. You need to work on yourself now, that is the only thing you can change.

I work myself and start healing myself by accepting that she doesn’t love me? Or loves me a little but not enough? Is that what you mean? I want to accept the truth, I just don’t know what the truth is, I think a lot of my internal struggles come from this confusion.

She loves you in the way that she could. There is no objective measurement about exactly how much she loved you. She did what she could, and it was what it was. Nothing can change that. That is why we are suggesting that you focus on the only thing you can change, which is yourself. You know you are worthy of love, and you need to find peace and acceptance in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the PP’s saying “she did the best she could” are misleading the OP. It’s a possibility but we don’t know that. She may be genuinely selfish, or prioritizing a spouse or step-child.

It's actually the same thing. OP's mom is limited. You are just debating *why* she is limited.

Exactly. We aren't saying that it was great. We are saying that parents do the best they can, and sometimes that best is very very far short of what is good or needed. But no one can go back in time and change that. So, you can waste time in anger and frustration by comparing what happened with what should have happened. Or you can accept it and try to find peace and forgiveness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You remind me of my DS who to this day remembers who I didn't come to some of his ES performances. I was a single mother, no child support, no alimony, working 2 jobs, 2 small children, no grandparents or relatives to help out. I did the best I could given limited resources. I couldn't take time off work back them. Yet he wants me to apologize for not being there over and over. Frankly, I've had enough.

So when your son bring those things up, do you yell at him "for god sake, why are still upset about it, let it go", or do you gently say "I love you and I never want to make you upset, I didn't go not because I didn't love you but because I worked 2 jobs with no help, if I had a chance I would have gone to all your events"?

The latter. I don't yell. But I am just so tired of him constantly bringing it up and saying " you should feel ASHAMED".

Jeez, not to hijack, but I'm really sorry PP. I can only imagine how hard it was to raise him alone and then for him to hold things like this against you, yikes. I'd eventually snap.

[Anonymous]

OP, get a hold of yourself. You sound too emotional

[Anonymous]

You need to work with a therapist on letting it go. She is not going to change and you should deal with it by reaching acceptance of who your parents are and the limitations of that relationship.

Find other people who can be there for you in the way that you need emotionally and realize that you will only bring yourself unhappiness by having expectations of other people that are beyond what they have demonstrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother did the best she could at the time. You cannot base your happiness now on asking other people to deliver more than they can. She doesn't want to rehash the past. She can't go back and change what happened, and she isn't in a place to fill your emotional needs now. You need to work on yourself now, that is the only thing you can change.

I work myself and start healing myself by accepting that she doesn’t love me? Or loves me a little but not enough? Is that what you mean? I want to accept the truth, I just don’t know what the truth is, I think a lot of my internal struggles come from this confusion.

Your premise is wrong. Love can exist without care. She did not take care of you in that moment you remember, but it does not mean she has less love for you than you think. Can you understand this?

Also, whining and crying will push away a lot of people. She probably wants to scream at you when you do that, and is holding it together just enough to give you a rather brusque answer. The more you insist, the less you'll get, because frankly it's ANNOYING.

This is why I try to be as open and honest as I can with my teens when they complain, because I know it will get worse if my first answer isn't sincere and they feel they have to come back for round 2. One or both of us will get annoyed. For whatever reason, you feel your mother wasn't fully communicative, and she probably feels you're like nails on chalkboard with your perseverating. You'd better drop it, it's not going to get better.

But none of this means she doesn't love you, or loves you less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the PP’s saying “she did the best she could” are misleading the OP. It’s a possibility but we don’t know that. She may be genuinely selfish, or prioritizing a spouse or step-child.

I think we're responding to the way OP writes about it. She sounds like she's fixated on this one thing and completely over-reacting.

[Anonymous]

Not many parents are going to say “you’re right, I was wrong to do that and am sorry, I love you and should have done better.” Most good parents really did their best, and loved their kids in the best way they could, & made immense sacrifices for them. So like the PP with the DS who complains she missed his holiday concert, it’s hard for that mom to see that as a screw up & apologize, because she knows of all of the other things she was doing (like maybe working during that day so they could have a home, food, etc).

Your parents probably did the best they could, and did a lot for you that you do not remember. Not saying you should thank them, I am just saying that they are coming at things from their vantage point as the parent during those years, & you have a very different vantage point.

Each generation is an improvement. Maybe their parents were abusive, or didn’t have money to provide for them, or never told them that they loved them. So with you, they overcame the model of abuse, or were able to provide more to you financially, or were able to hug you or say they love you every year on your birthday - whatever it was, it represents growth & sacrifice on their part. So when you tell them about what you are unhappy about in your childhood, they’ll think “but I did this, and this, etc.”

And, you will probably redo the same to your kids. You will parent better, be more emotionally available, but there will always be something you do that disappoints them, because parents are just human beings doing the best they can.

So I would look at therapy, reparenting your inner child, whatever you need to do so that you don’t need an apology from them to know that it wasn’t right. You are an adult now & don’t need them to admit they are wrong, you don’t need them to approve of you, you don’t need them to praise you - they’re not parenting you anymore, you can both be free of that & have a relationship as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You remind me of my DS who to this day remembers who I didn't come to some of his ES performances. I was a single mother, no child support, no alimony, working 2 jobs, 2 small children, no grandparents or relatives to help out. I did the best I could given limited resources. I couldn't take time off work back them. Yet he wants me to apologize for not being there over and over. Frankly, I've had enough.

So when your son bring those things up, do you yell at him "for god sake, why are still upset about it, let it go", or do you gently say "I love you and I never want to make you upset, I didn't go not because I didn't love you but because I worked 2 jobs with no help, if I had a chance I would have gone to all your events"?

The latter. I don't yell. But I am just so tired of him constantly bringing it up and saying " you should feel ASHAMED".

I'm a single parent. I don't know if this is what's happening in your situation but I had a family therapist tell me sometimes boys/sons can be disrespectful towards their moms and to limit that, in part because it shouldn't be happening and in part because his future relationships with women may also become disrespectful.

Your son shouldn't be talking to you like that and telling you should be ashamed. Sorry, that's disrespectful. You should feel free to tell him he has no right to tell you what you should be feeling or that you should be ashamed.

You did the best you could. Tell him that and don't make excuses, don't explain your absences. You did the best you could and one day when he is a parent, he will understand and appreciate what you did. Remind yourself everyday that you did the best you could and know that one day he will tell you so.

[Anonymous]

Try changing your language. You said: “You made me feell … when you did …” That immediately puts your mom on the defensive and she will not hear what you are saying because she perceives it as an attack. If you let us know the situation I can help you workshop a good way to talk to her.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all the comments here but I can somewhat relate. My parents are emotionally supportive at a surface level, and if I asked them to help me they would.

But in terms of things like childhood trauma, which I experienced and which was caused by their negligence in parenting (or lack thereof in this case), they have taken a stance of mis-remembering, blocking, and blaming nonsensical things. My mom, who loves being a victim, told me once that I have never experienced trauma and told me this in the context of saying she had. It was the most hurtful thing she's ever said to me.

They are not very empathetic, and can be mean (not really to me, but to others because they are very judgmental and stuck in black and white thinking).

The way that I deal with it is to keep our relationship in a safe zone. I recognize the deficits, avoid the slippery slopes and triggers, and just have a relationship that is a bit more shallow. It's not great but it's fine and my DH supports me through it.