How should I deal with emotionally dismissive parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not really owed an apology. I sense that's what you're looking for. But she's telling you why she did it and clearly thinks it's justified. She also probably feels she can't control your emotions. They're your emotions to deal with.

If you belive she loves you and there's no malice, then I don't think emotional heart to heart are ever going to happen and you need to let the idea of them go.

OP here, she's telling me why she did with a very vague answer and quite honestly not a valid reason, think along the lines "I didn't drive 2 hours to see you after your first born was born because I was busy, now let it go". The reason "I was busy" is just too simple, vague, short. Does it make sense? I would feel better if she was like "I didn't go because at the time I was dealing with XYZ, extremely busy and stressed out, and blah blah blah" - this answer would be far better than "I was busy". Also, it would make me feel better if she could reassure her love for me by saying it out loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You remind me of my DS who to this day remembers who I didn't come to some of his ES performances. I was a single mother, no child support, no alimony, working 2 jobs, 2 small children, no grandparents or relatives to help out. I did the best I could given limited resources. I couldn't take time off work back them. Yet he wants me to apologize for not being there over and over. Frankly, I've had enough.

So when your son bring those things up, do you yell at him "for god sake, why are still upset about it, let it go", or do you gently say "I love you and I never want to make you upset, I didn't go not because I didn't love you but because I worked 2 jobs with no help, if I had a chance I would have gone to all your events"?

The latter. I don't yell. But I am just so tired of him constantly bringing it up and saying " you should feel ASHAMED".

[Anonymous]

You sound a bit overly emotional OP.

It’s hard to discuss sensitive things with someone who begins crying and saying how upset they are. It can be overwhelming.

I think if you are looking for an apology, you need to try to keep calm when discussing since that can push someone like your mom away. I also think if she felt she owed you an apology, she would have offered one. It sounds like the closest you are going to get is an explanation and an offer by your mom to move past something you two don’t see eye to eye on. She is basically saying “let’s agree to disagree” and you seem to be pushing for more of an apology. If you need an apology to move forward then you should state that to her directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You remind me of my DS who to this day remembers who I didn't come to some of his ES performances. I was a single mother, no child support, no alimony, working 2 jobs, 2 small children, no grandparents or relatives to help out. I did the best I could given limited resources. I couldn't take time off work back them. Yet he wants me to apologize for not being there over and over. Frankly, I've had enough.

So when your son bring those things up, do you yell at him "for god sake, why are still upset about it, let it go", or do you gently say "I love you and I never want to make you upset, I didn't go not because I didn't love you but because I worked 2 jobs with no help, if I had a chance I would have gone to all your events"?

The latter. I don't yell. But I am just so tired of him constantly bringing it up and saying " you should feel ASHAMED".

OP here, my issue is from elementary school and I didn't say anything mean to her, I was pretty much begging for her to say she actually loves me because what she did to me made me doubt it. But after a couple of attempts to talk to her, I am only feeling worse and distanced from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need your wisdom. I feel like wisdom can solve my relationship problems - I believe it but I don't have the wisdom yet.

I read that some parents are emotionally unavailable/dismissive. I had sort of an Ah-Ha moment when I read that, this could explain a lot of the troubles I am having with my parents. I know some parents are Narcissistic or don't really love their children, I don't think it is the case here. I think my parents are raised in a way they see emotion as a weakness, or maybe the trauma they endured forced them to block out emotions, they learned to "just deal with it" in private.

Now if such emotionally unavailable parent did something that really hurt your feelings, and you can't resolve this issue or move on with no resentment unless you have a heart-to-heart conversation with them, but these parents simply do not want to engage in such talk, what should you do? To illustrate what I mean:

Me: mom, you really made me feel (rejected/shamed/hurt) when you did X
Mom: well, I did X because of (insert any reason/rational she has), now let's move on
me: mom, I am still really upset about it, (go on to explain why it bothers me)
Mom: For god sake, let it go, it's time to move past it. I did (list things she did good for me)
Me: crying, can't you see that I am still very upset about it and I just want to talk about it
Mom: sigh, I don't know what to do, I tried, I (again, repeat her reason/rationale), I really tried, you can't still be upset about this, let it go
End of conversation and I feel even more rejected/shamed/hurt than before the conversation.

My question is: how can I effectively communicate with her in a way that she gets it? I understand she has some communication problems, but I can't solve that, I can only accept it and try to find a way to get my message through. I need to express my feelings and feel heard, is this possible with emotionally dismissive parents?

The answer to the italicized is "you can't" and so the answer to the bolded is - you need to figure out a different plan, because your heart to heart isn't happening. That's not in your parents wheelhouse, as they've shown you over and over and over again. Why are you still beating your head against this particular wall?

Your parents are not emotionally supportive or engaged. They never will be. So - you need to focus on what YOU can control. Your options include:

-Lower your expectations of them.
-Focus on the good parts of them and let the other stuff go.
-Find another source of feeling better (like expressing your feelings to a spouse or trusted friend who will hear you and/or validate your emotions)
-Spend less time with them.
-Set some boundaries, particularly if there are patterns to the hurtful behavior. For example, if Mom is fine in small doses but tends to lash out when she stays over, she should no longer be welcome to spend the night.

You can express your feelings, like with your first line ("mom, you really made me feel (rejected/shamed/hurt) when you did X") IF saying it out loud helps you to feel better, but you need to assume any response you get is going to be dismissive and you need to end the conversation there.

They. Will. Not. Get. It.
Your path to freedom is to stop trying to change who they are.

For what it's worth I'm sympathetic, and I think they're emotionally stunted and that sucks for them and for you. I'm not saying that what they're doing is good or even okay - I'm just staying it ain't changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You remind me of my DS who to this day remembers who I didn't come to some of his ES performances. I was a single mother, no child support, no alimony, working 2 jobs, 2 small children, no grandparents or relatives to help out. I did the best I could given limited resources. I couldn't take time off work back them. Yet he wants me to apologize for not being there over and over. Frankly, I've had enough.

So when your son bring those things up, do you yell at him "for god sake, why are still upset about it, let it go", or do you gently say "I love you and I never want to make you upset, I didn't go not because I didn't love you but because I worked 2 jobs with no help, if I had a chance I would have gone to all your events"?

The latter. I don't yell. But I am just so tired of him constantly bringing it up and saying " you should feel ASHAMED".

OP here, my issue is from elementary school and I didn't say anything mean to her, I was pretty much begging for her to say she actually loves me because what she did to me made me doubt it. But after a couple of attempts to talk to her, I am only feeling worse and distanced from her.

I meant my issue is NOT from elementary school, sorry about that! -OP.

[Anonymous]

Your mother did the best she could at the time. You cannot base your happiness now on asking other people to deliver more than they can. She doesn't want to rehash the past. She can't go back and change what happened, and she isn't in a place to fill your emotional needs now. You need to work on yourself now, that is the only thing you can change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a limited human being. She will never change.

x1000000

Just because your mother is a mother - doesn't make her a great, or even a good, or even a competent human being, OP. MIL is like this. In DH's family, if you have an opinion, or any emotion, you are seen as "weak". Some families are just not emotionally competent. Consider yourself fortunate for having a mother who taught you what not to do, and learn from it. Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother did the best she could at the time. You cannot base your happiness now on asking other people to deliver more than they can. She doesn't want to rehash the past. She can't go back and change what happened, and she isn't in a place to fill your emotional needs now. You need to work on yourself now, that is the only thing you can change.

I work myself and start healing myself by accepting that she doesn’t love me? Or loves me a little but not enough? Is that what you mean? I want to accept the truth, I just don’t know what the truth is, I think a lot of my internal struggles come from this confusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother did the best she could at the time. You cannot base your happiness now on asking other people to deliver more than they can. She doesn't want to rehash the past. She can't go back and change what happened, and she isn't in a place to fill your emotional needs now. You need to work on yourself now, that is the only thing you can change.

This.

You gotta move on and find your emotional fulfillment elsewhere. Don't expect it from your parents especially if you're an adult.

[Anonymous]

She loves you to the extent that she is capable. It is not enough for what you need and deserve but she is unable to give more. Because of this, you need to find ways to love yourself/give yourself the love you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She loves you to the extent that she is capable. It is not enough for what you need and deserve but she is unable to give more. Because of this, you need to find ways to love yourself/give yourself the love you need.

Yes, exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not really owed an apology. I sense that's what you're looking for. But she's telling you why she did it and clearly thinks it's justified. She also probably feels she can't control your emotions. They're your emotions to deal with.

If you belive she loves you and there's no malice, then I don't think emotional heart to heart are ever going to happen and you need to let the idea of them go.

OP here, she's telling me why she did with a very vague answer and quite honestly not a valid reason, think along the lines "I didn't drive 2 hours to see you after your first born was born because I was busy, now let it go". The reason "I was busy" is just too simple, vague, short. Does it make sense? I would feel better if she was like "I didn't go because at the time I was dealing with XYZ, extremely busy and stressed out, and blah blah blah" - this answer would be far better than "I was busy". Also, it would make me feel better if she could reassure her love for me by saying it out loud.

Please go to therapy. This is your problem, not hers. She's not warm or what you want/need as a parent, but you're obsessing over minor stufff.

Also some parents don't love you. Or love you the way you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not really owed an apology. I sense that's what you're looking for. But she's telling you why she did it and clearly thinks it's justified. She also probably feels she can't control your emotions. They're your emotions to deal with.

If you belive she loves you and there's no malice, then I don't think emotional heart to heart are ever going to happen and you need to let the idea of them go.

OP here, she's telling me why she did with a very vague answer and quite honestly not a valid reason, think along the lines "I didn't drive 2 hours to see you after your first born was born because I was busy, now let it go". The reason "I was busy" is just too simple, vague, short. Does it make sense? I would feel better if she was like "I didn't go because at the time I was dealing with XYZ, extremely busy and stressed out, and blah blah blah" - this answer would be far better than "I was busy". Also, it would make me feel better if she could reassure her love for me by saying it out loud.

If the issue involved your children, let it go. No one will feel the same way for your children as you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need your wisdom. I feel like wisdom can solve my relationship problems - I believe it but I don't have the wisdom yet.

I read that some parents are emotionally unavailable/dismissive. I had sort of an Ah-Ha moment when I read that, this could explain a lot of the troubles I am having with my parents. I know some parents are Narcissistic or don't really love their children, I don't think it is the case here. I think my parents are raised in a way they see emotion as a weakness, or maybe the trauma they endured forced them to block out emotions, they learned to "just deal with it" in private.

Now if such emotionally unavailable parent did something that really hurt your feelings, and you can't resolve this issue or move on with no resentment unless you have a heart-to-heart conversation with them, but these parents simply do not want to engage in such talk, what should you do? To illustrate what I mean:

Me: mom, you really made me feel (rejected/shamed/hurt) when you did X
Mom: well, I did X because of (insert any reason/rational she has), now let's move on
me: mom, I am still really upset about it, (go on to explain why it bothers me)
Mom: For god sake, let it go, it's time to move past it. I did (list things she did good for me)
Me: crying, can't you see that I am still very upset about it and I just want to talk about it
Mom: sigh, I don't know what to do, I tried, I (again, repeat her reason/rationale), I really tried, you can't still be upset about this, let it go
End of conversation and I feel even more rejected/shamed/hurt than before the conversation.

My question is: how can I effectively communicate with her in a way that she gets it? I understand she has some communication problems, but I can't solve that, I can only accept it and try to find a way to get my message through. I need to express my feelings and feel heard, is this possible with emotionally dismissive parents?

Learn how to move on from it yourself. Have the discussion in your head and figure out what you need from it to help yourself. You are still living in the past. Is there any reason why this keeps coming up in your head? Are you depressed and need to find some joy in your life? Why the self-pity now about something from the past? Are you not able to accept that people have faults and aren't able to fulfill all your needs? Or is this something that you are actually worried might play a factor now or in the near future?