How should I deal with emotionally dismissive parents?

[Anonymous]

I need your wisdom. I feel like wisdom can solve my relationship problems - I believe it but I don't have the wisdom yet.

I read that some parents are emotionally unavailable/dismissive. I had sort of an Ah-Ha moment when I read that, this could explain a lot of the troubles I am having with my parents. I know some parents are Narcissistic or don't really love their children, I don't think it is the case here. I think my parents are raised in a way they see emotion as a weakness, or maybe the trauma they endured forced them to block out emotions, they learned to "just deal with it" in private.

Now if such emotionally unavailable parent did something that really hurt your feelings, and you can't resolve this issue or move on with no resentment unless you have a heart-to-heart conversation with them, but these parents simply do not want to engage in such talk, what should you do? To illustrate what I mean:

Me: mom, you really made me feel (rejected/shamed/hurt) when you did X
Mom: well, I did X because of (insert any reason/rational she has), now let's move on
me: mom, I am still really upset about it, (go on to explain why it bothers me)
Mom: For god sake, let it go, it's time to move past it. I did (list things she did good for me)
Me: crying, can't you see that I am still very upset about it and I just want to talk about it
Mom: sigh, I don't know what to do, I tried, I (again, repeat her reason/rationale), I really tried, you can't still be upset about this, let it go
End of conversation and I feel even more rejected/shamed/hurt than before the conversation.

My question is: how can I effectively communicate with her in a way that she gets it? I understand she has some communication problems, but I can't solve that, I can only accept it and try to find a way to get my message through. I need to express my feelings and feel heard, is this possible with emotionally dismissive parents?

[Anonymous]

You told her, she explained her reasoning, and you want to talk about it more ... why? What else do you want from her? What do you need her to say or do that will let you move on? You're basically beating a dead horse.

[Anonymous]

...My question is: how can I effectively communicate with her in a way that she gets it? I understand she has some communication problems, but I can't solve that, I can only accept it and try to find a way to get my message through. I need to express my feelings and feel heard, is this possible with emotionally dismissive parents?...

I don't mean this to sound snarky. You can't. It takes two to communicate. Your message could be perfect but unless your mother is receptive, she will NEVER hear it - at least not in the way you want to be heard.

You mention accepting your mother's communicatio problem but it's acceptance. It's 'acknowledgement'. Acceptance would be recognizing your parents are never going to change. The only thing you can control/change is your response and reaction. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

You're asking for something she cannot give, OP. Write into words here what you want from her: for her to break down, apologize profusely, and confess that what she did was terrible and that she feels guilty and would like to make up for it? That will never happen.

I learned in my 20s that my mother was never going to acknowledge that her actions were hurtful to me. I distanced myself. 20 years later, we have a good relationship, because she accepts that we're grown apart, and I accept that she's limited in her understanding of her parenting.

That's how it is.

[Anonymous]

Honestly you sound very emotionally needy. It’s hard to tell without specific examples.

[Anonymous]

Don't rely on your parents for emotional fulfillment

[Anonymous]

What did she do?

[Anonymous]

This is my mom and my mother in law exactly. I think it's a bit of that age, but also that they aren't ready to come to terms - or want to come to terms with their own actions. There is a good splash of Karen in there, but maybe without the yelling at people in public part.

[Anonymous]

You're not really owed an apology. I sense that's what you're looking for. But she's telling you why she did it and clearly thinks it's justified. She also probably feels she can't control your emotions. They're your emotions to deal with.

If you belive she loves you and there's no malice, then I don't think emotional heart to heart are ever going to happen and you need to let the idea of them go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me: crying, can't you see that I am still very upset about it and I just want to talk about it

OP are you saying that you never got to deliver your message to your mom? If she had stopped to listen, what would you have told her? Could you write the message down?

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? My mother was the same and honestly I didn’t realize it until my late 30s. Try and get with a therapist who can help you establish boundaries for your own emotional well-being. Also people with parents like this learned to get by with very little to no emotional support or validation. That can set you up for accepting a really subpar relationship later in life. Try and work with someone who can help you see you cannot change your mom or dad but do deserve better than what you had growing up. Also ignore the snarky ‘emotionally needy’ poster. When you grow up in a situation where your needs are not being met that makes it very hard to know what are valid desires and needs later in life.

[Anonymous]

She is a limited human being. She will never change.

[Anonymous]

You remind me of my DS who to this day remembers who I didn't come to some of his ES performances. I was a single mother, no child support, no alimony, working 2 jobs, 2 small children, no grandparents or relatives to help out. I did the best I could given limited resources. I couldn't take time off work back them. Yet he wants me to apologize for not being there over and over. Frankly, I've had enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You remind me of my DS who to this day remembers who I didn't come to some of his ES performances. I was a single mother, no child support, no alimony, working 2 jobs, 2 small children, no grandparents or relatives to help out. I did the best I could given limited resources. I couldn't take time off work back them. Yet he wants me to apologize for not being there over and over. Frankly, I've had enough.

So when your son bring those things up, do you yell at him "for god sake, why are still upset about it, let it go", or do you gently say "I love you and I never want to make you upset, I didn't go not because I didn't love you but because I worked 2 jobs with no help, if I had a chance I would have gone to all your events"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You remind me of my DS who to this day remembers who I didn't come to some of his ES performances. I was a single mother, no child support, no alimony, working 2 jobs, 2 small children, no grandparents or relatives to help out. I did the best I could given limited resources. I couldn't take time off work back them. Yet he wants me to apologize for not being there over and over. Frankly, I've had enough.

So when your son bring those things up, do you yell at him "for god sake, why are still upset about it, let it go", or do you gently say "I love you and I never want to make you upset, I didn't go not because I didn't love you but because I worked 2 jobs with no help, if I had a chance I would have gone to all your events"?

This is likely the message he wants to hear. Try it and let us know what happens, PP.

Sometimes we can get defensive and fail to hear the underlying disappointment and need for connection. Not changing this pattern tends to lead to distance in relationships, the opposite can be healing.