How should I deal with emotionally dismissive parents?

[Anonymous]

Are any of the PPs therapists? Or is this hard-won wisdom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You remind me of my DS who to this day remembers who I didn't come to some of his ES performances. I was a single mother, no child support, no alimony, working 2 jobs, 2 small children, no grandparents or relatives to help out. I did the best I could given limited resources. I couldn't take time off work back them. Yet he wants me to apologize for not being there over and over. Frankly, I've had enough.

So when your son bring those things up, do you yell at him "for god sake, why are still upset about it, let it go", or do you gently say "I love you and I never want to make you upset, I didn't go not because I didn't love you but because I worked 2 jobs with no help, if I had a chance I would have gone to all your events"?

The latter. I don't yell. But I am just so tired of him constantly bringing it up and saying " you should feel ASHAMED".

I would not engage with him. He will find out how great a parent he is when he has a full time job, 2 kids and a working wife.

[Anonymous]

Read Lindsay Gibson’s book on Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Search for a podcast where she explains it.


Seriously, your mother is not capable of giving you what you are asking her. It is not your fault, it is not her fault. But it is so helpful/healing to understand what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read Lindsay Gibson’s book on Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Search for a podcast where she explains it.


Seriously, your mother is not capable of giving you what you are asking her. It is not your fault, it is not her fault. But it is so helpful/healing to understand what is going on.

Agree with this. That book was so eye opening. There are also some reels etc if you search emotionally immature parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need your wisdom. I feel like wisdom can solve my relationship problems - I believe it but I don't have the wisdom yet.

I read that some parents are emotionally unavailable/dismissive. I had sort of an Ah-Ha moment when I read that, this could explain a lot of the troubles I am having with my parents. I know some parents are Narcissistic or don't really love their children, I don't think it is the case here. I think my parents are raised in a way they see emotion as a weakness, or maybe the trauma they endured forced them to block out emotions, they learned to "just deal with it" in private.

Now if such emotionally unavailable parent did something that really hurt your feelings, and you can't resolve this issue or move on with no resentment unless you have a heart-to-heart conversation with them, but these parents simply do not want to engage in such talk, what should you do? To illustrate what I mean:

Me: mom, you really made me feel (rejected/shamed/hurt) when you did X
Mom: well, I did X because of (insert any reason/rational she has), now let's move on
me: mom, I am still really upset about it, (go on to explain why it bothers me)
Mom: For god sake, let it go, it's time to move past it. I did (list things she did good for me)
Me: crying, can't you see that I am still very upset about it and I just want to talk about it
Mom: sigh, I don't know what to do, I tried, I (again, repeat her reason/rationale), I really tried, you can't still be upset about this, let it go
End of conversation and I feel even more rejected/shamed/hurt than before the conversation.

My question is: how can I effectively communicate with her in a way that she gets it? I understand she has some communication problems, but I can't solve that, I can only accept it and try to find a way to get my message through. I need to express my feelings and feel heard, is this possible with emotionally dismissive parents?

My spouse was raised by very silent, passive parents who claimed emotions are a weakness, travel is a waste of time, holidays & traditions are silly. So are sports.

Turns out they’re all in the autism spectrum. So now we really don’t give two F’s what they “think.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly you sound very emotionally needy. It’s hard to tell without specific examples.

Honestly you sound like you don’t have a relevant perspective on this issue, since this sounds so foreign to you that you can’t even empathize without “specific examples”