How should I deal with emotionally dismissive parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother did the best she could at the time. You cannot base your happiness now on asking other people to deliver more than they can. She doesn't want to rehash the past. She can't go back and change what happened, and she isn't in a place to fill your emotional needs now. You need to work on yourself now, that is the only thing you can change.

I work myself and start healing myself by accepting that she doesn’t love me? Or loves me a little but not enough? Is that what you mean? I want to accept the truth, I just don’t know what the truth is, I think a lot of my internal struggles come from this confusion.

What if the answer is complicated and there are multiple “truths”?

We love people the way and to the degree we know how to, and that might not match the way and to the degree they expect to receive it. If you need her to give you tulips in order to feel loved and she only knows how to give daisies, receiving tulips seems really clear and simple to you but could be difficult/impossible to her.

A therapist can help you sort what is within your control and maybe help you negotiate a peace with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother did the best she could at the time. You cannot base your happiness now on asking other people to deliver more than they can. She doesn't want to rehash the past. She can't go back and change what happened, and she isn't in a place to fill your emotional needs now. You need to work on yourself now, that is the only thing you can change.

I work myself and start healing myself by accepting that she doesn’t love me? Or loves me a little but not enough? Is that what you mean? I want to accept the truth, I just don’t know what the truth is, I think a lot of my internal struggles come from this confusion.

What if the answer is complicated and there are multiple “truths”?

We love people the way and to the degree we know how to, and that might not match the way and to the degree they expect to receive it. If you need her to give you tulips in order to feel loved and she only knows how to give daisies, receiving tulips seems really clear and simple to you but could be difficult/impossible to her.

A therapist can help you sort what is within your control and maybe help you negotiate a peace with yourself.

+1
OP's thinking seems both very black and white, and very insecure. Therapy might help her see the situation differently and find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my mom and my mother in law exactly. I think it's a bit of that age, but also that they aren't ready to come to terms - or want to come to terms with their own actions. There is a good splash of Karen in there, but maybe without the yelling at people in public part.

This is my mother too. She can’t accept personal responsibility for anything she does wrong. It’s not just vis a vis her relationship with me.

An emotionally unavailable person is stuck in denial mode. It’s not your job to work her out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly you sound very emotionally needy. It’s hard to tell without specific examples.

Yes, that is a lot of emotion! Maybe you are wired more emotional and your mom is more like me in that emotions kind of scare her a bit. I know with my very emotional daughters, I can feel completely out of my skin and overwhelmed when she is expressing her emotions on and on. I like living my life a bit more reserved and not emotionally lashing out all of the time. Maybe you can write her a letter? She can read it and then she can talk to you about it later when you both are less emotional? Just a thought. My daughter has written me pages of letters when she has been angry at me. It helps me understand and I usually find it funny which usually helps me to see more of her side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not really owed an apology. I sense that's what you're looking for. But she's telling you why she did it and clearly thinks it's justified. She also probably feels she can't control your emotions. They're your emotions to deal with.

If you belive she loves you and there's no malice, then I don't think emotional heart to heart are ever going to happen and you need to let the idea of them go.

OP here, she's telling me why she did with a very vague answer and quite honestly not a valid reason, think along the lines "I didn't drive 2 hours to see you after your first born was born because I was busy, now let it go". The reason "I was busy" is just too simple, vague, short. Does it make sense? I would feel better if she was like "I didn't go because at the time I was dealing with XYZ, extremely busy and stressed out, and blah blah blah" - this answer would be far better than "I was busy". Also, it would make me feel better if she could reassure her love for me by saying it out loud.

Did you expect her to come that day? Maybe your expectations are not realistic.

[Anonymous]

She is human and imperfect. We all make mistakes in life. She struggles with you focusing on where she has messed up and that you are not able to let go. She is trying to point out she is not all bad and has tried. Your words to her hurt as well.

She may feel attacked and unable to work through this with you. Take it to someone else to find your healing.

[Anonymous]

Emotional people sometimes need emotions to be reflected back at them. But the real insight therapy can bring you is that you express a message to feel “heard” without relying on an emotional response in reply. Your mother DID hear you and did respond, she just didn’t respond the way you wanted her to. She told you to let it go. She doesn’t want to discuss it anymore. Your response was that you are upset and want to talk about it more.

When you take away all the extraneous emotion, the dialogue tells you your answer. She doesn’t want to apologize. She gave you her insights into the situation and wants to move on. You can take it or leave it, but don’t pretend it’s about your message not getting through because she didn’t cry or apologize.

[Anonymous]

She may have been vague for privacy. You react strongly. She may not feel she can share certain things with you. She could have health struggles, mental health struggles, addiction concerns, or helping a friend or relative through something that she promised to keep quiet. She may know whatever reasoning she gave would not be an enough for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother did the best she could at the time. You cannot base your happiness now on asking other people to deliver more than they can. She doesn't want to rehash the past. She can't go back and change what happened, and she isn't in a place to fill your emotional needs now. You need to work on yourself now, that is the only thing you can change.

I work myself and start healing myself by accepting that she doesn’t love me? Or loves me a little but not enough? Is that what you mean? I want to accept the truth, I just don’t know what the truth is, I think a lot of my internal struggles come from this confusion.

What if the answer is complicated and there are multiple “truths”?

We love people the way and to the degree we know how to, and that might not match the way and to the degree they expect to receive it. If you need her to give you tulips in order to feel loved and she only knows how to give daisies, receiving tulips seems really clear and simple to you but could be difficult/impossible to her.

A therapist can help you sort what is within your control and maybe help you negotiate a peace with yourself.

The truth is you are both human beings, OP, with strengths and weaknesses.

Your framing is concerning and I also urge you to seek therapy and perhaps DBT or CBT to address what may be anxiety and depression.

I found this workbook helpful but you need to do it in conjunction with therapy.
https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Parent-Guidebook-Softcover-Spiralbound/dp

A therapy support group may also be helpful to you to get out of your head a bit more. I think you and your mom are a mismatch in style as is very common. You can't see or accept what she does give, the flower example above is a good one. Not sure why you make it an issue of love but that is something to work out over time with a professional. I think this would benefit all of the relationships in your life.

[Anonymous]

Unless you are still a child, you really shouldn't need or want this from your parents.

Accept the reality that you simply won't be as close as you would be to some other imaginary parents who could have this conversation.

Then create the life you want for yourself.

If you need some help with this, find a good therapist. Or do a lot of journaling, if you have the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to having grown up with immigrant parents.

DP here. I disagree completely. I am first gen, and there is no way my parents would be cold or closed. It depends on the origin, mostly. For example, pf those with Nordic backgrounds I know, there is not much outward expression of love - no physical hugging, for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother did the best she could at the time. You cannot base your happiness now on asking other people to deliver more than they can. She doesn't want to rehash the past. She can't go back and change what happened, and she isn't in a place to fill your emotional needs now. You need to work on yourself now, that is the only thing you can change.

I work myself and start healing myself by accepting that she doesn’t love me? Or loves me a little but not enough? Is that what you mean? I want to accept the truth, I just don’t know what the truth is, I think a lot of my internal struggles come from this confusion.

Yes, you work on understanding that her ability to love you is limited and not exactly how you want to be loved. I have a dad with a limited capacity to love other people. It was always so hard for me to explain this to people until Trump became president. My dad loves his kids like Trump loves his kids. He loves us to the extent we “make him look good” and he can brag about us. But he doesn’t actually want us to outshine him. He is a narcissist that is ultimately desperately insecure. I accept it. I get nothing emotional from him. I never will. I spend limited time with him. He knows very little about my life. I have a wonderful husband, kids and friends who support me, along with an aunt and uncle that function as my surrogate parents. I am quite happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother did the best she could at the time. You cannot base your happiness now on asking other people to deliver more than they can. She doesn't want to rehash the past. She can't go back and change what happened, and she isn't in a place to fill your emotional needs now. You need to work on yourself now, that is the only thing you can change.

I work myself and start healing myself by accepting that she doesn’t love me? Or loves me a little but not enough? Is that what you mean? I want to accept the truth, I just don’t know what the truth is, I think a lot of my internal struggles come from this confusion.

Yes, you work on understanding that her ability to love you is limited and not exactly how you want to be loved. I have a dad with a limited capacity to love other people. It was always so hard for me to explain this to people until Trump became president. My dad loves his kids like Trump loves his kids. He loves us to the extent we “make him look good” and he can brag about us. But he doesn’t actually want us to outshine him. He is a narcissist that is ultimately desperately insecure. I accept it. I get nothing emotional from him. I never will. I spend limited time with him. He knows very little about my life. I have a wonderful husband, kids and friends who support me, along with an aunt and uncle that function as my surrogate parents. I am quite happy.

There is nothing in OP’s post that suggests that her mother’s love for her is in any way limited. They just have different temperaments and discussion styles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need your wisdom. I feel like wisdom can solve my relationship problems - I believe it but I don't have the wisdom yet.

I read that some parents are emotionally unavailable/dismissive. I had sort of an Ah-Ha moment when I read that, this could explain a lot of the troubles I am having with my parents. I know some parents are Narcissistic or don't really love their children, I don't think it is the case here. I think my parents are raised in a way they see emotion as a weakness, or maybe the trauma they endured forced them to block out emotions, they learned to "just deal with it" in private.

Now if such emotionally unavailable parent did something that really hurt your feelings, and you can't resolve this issue or move on with no resentment unless you have a heart-to-heart conversation with them, but these parents simply do not want to engage in such talk, what should you do? To illustrate what I mean:

Me: mom, you really made me feel (rejected/shamed/hurt) when you did X
Mom: well, I did X because of (insert any reason/rational she has), now let's move on
me: mom, I am still really upset about it, (go on to explain why it bothers me)
Mom: For god sake, let it go, it's time to move past it. I did (list things she did good for me)
Me: crying, can't you see that I am still very upset about it and I just want to talk about it
Mom: sigh, I don't know what to do, I tried, I (again, repeat her reason/rationale), I really tried, you can't still be upset about this, let it go
End of conversation and I feel even more rejected/shamed/hurt than before the conversation.

My question is: how can I effectively communicate with her in a way that she gets it? I understand she has some communication problems, but I can't solve that, I can only accept it and try to find a way to get my message through. I need to express my feelings and feel heard, is this possible with emotionally dismissive parents?

Take her to attend a few sessions with a therapist or a clergy person where you two can open up. Its probably not evident to you but it must be difficult for her as well.

[Anonymous]

Its unfair to assign all blame to one person. Children doesn't come with manuals and parents don't get training. Everyone tries to wing it as best as they can. Grow up, move own. Be gracious and forgiving.