How should I deal with emotionally dismissive parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound a bit overly emotional OP.

It’s hard to discuss sensitive things with someone who begins crying and saying how upset they are. It can be overwhelming.

I think if you are looking for an apology, you need to try to keep calm when discussing since that can push someone like your mom away. I also think if she felt she owed you an apology, she would have offered one. It sounds like the closest you are going to get is an explanation and an offer by your mom to move past something you two don’t see eye to eye on. She is basically saying “let’s agree to disagree” and you seem to be pushing for more of an apology. If you need an apology to move forward then you should state that to her directly.

Agree. OP, time to grow up

[Anonymous]

Op if you want to understand her have kids. You will not only be able to let that stuff go you will want to call your parents to thank them. Also you will be too busy to do so. It’s a very quick way to grow up.

[Anonymous]

To some people, negative feelings experienced by their loved ones mean that they are to blame (they take it that you are accusing or blaming them).
You will never get through. It’s like some people will never get higher math. Just let them be and talk to your therapist about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op if you want to understand her have kids. You will not only be able to let that stuff go you will want to call your parents to thank them. Also you will be too busy to do so. It’s a very quick way to grow up.

OP said she does have a kid.

And also the bolded is not true for me at all. In fact having kids had the opposite effect for me: it made me realize how inept my parents were and how they didn’t feel as strongly for us as I felt toward my kids. My physical needs were met as a child and I wasn’t physically abused but we were very emotionally neglected and verbally abused. I was able to ignore and suppress a lot until I had kids and felt so much love for them and wondered how and why my parents obviously hadn’t felt the same toward me or they would’ve shown it by listening, showing up, asking questions, being kind and loving…I’m not a perfect parent but my kids KNOW that I’ll always listen, always support, always love and be their biggest cheerleaders. I can’t understand how my parents or any parents cannot say the same.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am 63 yrs old and relate more to your mother’s piece in your stories. I feel like one of my kids only wants to revisit all of the things I did wrong in raising him. I don’t need thank yous and appreciation for all that I did do, but I also dont think I deserve frequent critiques.

I do think a lot of this is generational. I wouldnt have thought to criticize my own oarebts’ raising of me, even though they were 100 times more emotionally remote than I ever was/am with my own kids (I dont think I am at all - but I also do have have a “suck it up, that’s life, move on” type attitude towards most things.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op if you want to understand her have kids. You will not only be able to let that stuff go you will want to call your parents to thank them. Also you will be too busy to do so. It’s a very quick way to grow up.

OP said she does have a kid.

And also the bolded is not true for me at all. In fact having kids had the opposite effect for me: it made me realize how inept my parents were and how they didn’t feel as strongly for us as I felt toward my kids. My physical needs were met as a child and I wasn’t physically abused but we were very emotionally neglected and verbally abused. I was able to ignore and suppress a lot until I had kids and felt so much love for them and wondered how and why my parents obviously hadn’t felt the same toward me or they would’ve shown it by listening, showing up, asking questions, being kind and loving…I’m not a perfect parent but my kids KNOW that I’ll always listen, always support, always love and be their biggest cheerleaders. I can’t understand how my parents or any parents cannot say the same.

How old are your kids? I felt similarly superior to my own parents’ parenting style until my kids became late teens and it became clear they had many examples of ways they felt I had let them down.

[Anonymous]

I do t have time to read all the replies but op, you sound like a nice albeit naive and (for lack of a better term and because I’ve spent the day with 10 year olds) babyish person. You are not entitled emotional discussions from others. Your feelings and thoughts on your feelings are yours to handle, along with a therapist if you like. You are responsible for managing your own emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need your wisdom. I feel like wisdom can solve my relationship problems - I believe it but I don't have the wisdom yet.

I read that some parents are emotionally unavailable/dismissive. I had sort of an Ah-Ha moment when I read that, this could explain a lot of the troubles I am having with my parents. I know some parents are Narcissistic or don't really love their children, I don't think it is the case here. I think my parents are raised in a way they see emotion as a weakness, or maybe the trauma they endured forced them to block out emotions, they learned to "just deal with it" in private.

Now if such emotionally unavailable parent did something that really hurt your feelings, and you can't resolve this issue or move on with no resentment unless you have a heart-to-heart conversation with them, but these parents simply do not want to engage in such talk, what should you do? To illustrate what I mean:

Me: mom, you really made me feel (rejected/shamed/hurt) when you did X
Mom: well, I did X because of (insert any reason/rational she has), now let's move on
me: mom, I am still really upset about it, (go on to explain why it bothers me)
Mom: For god sake, let it go, it's time to move past it. I did (list things she did good for me)
Me: crying, can't you see that I am still very upset about it and I just want to talk about it
Mom: sigh, I don't know what to do, I tried, I (again, repeat her reason/rationale), I really tried, you can't still be upset about this, let it go
End of conversation and I feel even more rejected/shamed/hurt than before the conversation.

My question is: how can I effectively communicate with her in a way that she gets it? I understand she has some communication problems, but I can't solve that, I can only accept it and try to find a way to get my message through. I need to express my feelings and feel heard, is this possible with emotionally dismissive parents?

Good lord. You need to grow up and stop acting like an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You told her, she explained her reasoning, and you want to talk about it more ... why? What else do you want from her? What do you need her to say or do that will let you move on? You're basically beating a dead horse.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not many parents are going to say “you’re right, I was wrong to do that and am sorry, I love you and should have done better.” Most good parents really did their best, and loved their kids in the best way they could, & made immense sacrifices for them. So like the PP with the DS who complains she missed his holiday concert, it’s hard for that mom to see that as a screw up & apologize, because she knows of all of the other things she was doing (like maybe working during that day so they could have a home, food, etc).

Your parents probably did the best they could, and did a lot for you that you do not remember. Not saying you should thank them, I am just saying that they are coming at things from their vantage point as the parent during those years, & you have a very different vantage point.

Each generation is an improvement. Maybe their parents were abusive, or didn’t have money to provide for them, or never told them that they loved them. So with you, they overcame the model of abuse, or were able to provide more to you financially, or were able to hug you or say they love you every year on your birthday - whatever it was, it represents growth & sacrifice on their part. So when you tell them about what you are unhappy about in your childhood, they’ll think “but I did this, and this, etc.”

And, you will probably redo the same to your kids. You will parent better, be more emotionally available, but there will always be something you do that disappoints them, because parents are just human beings doing the best they can.

So I would look at therapy, reparenting your inner child, whatever you need to do so that you don’t need an apology from them to know that it wasn’t right. You are an adult now & don’t need them to admit they are wrong, you don’t need them to approve of you, you don’t need them to praise you - they’re not parenting you anymore, you can both be free of that & have a relationship as adults.

NP. I screenshotted all this, possibly best advice most gently delivered. Thank you internet stranger ❤️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do t have time to read all the replies but op, you sound like a nice albeit naive and (for lack of a better term and because I’ve spent the day with 10 year olds) babyish person. You are not entitled emotional discussions from others. Your feelings and thoughts on your feelings are yours to handle, along with a therapist if you like. You are responsible for managing your own emotions.

+1 to this.

OP, the peace you need cannot and will never come from outside yourself. Your emotions exist inside you, and only you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need your wisdom. I feel like wisdom can solve my relationship problems - I believe it but I don't have the wisdom yet.

I read that some parents are emotionally unavailable/dismissive. I had sort of an Ah-Ha moment when I read that, this could explain a lot of the troubles I am having with my parents. I know some parents are Narcissistic or don't really love their children, I don't think it is the case here. I think my parents are raised in a way they see emotion as a weakness, or maybe the trauma they endured forced them to block out emotions, they learned to "just deal with it" in private.

Now if such emotionally unavailable parent did something that really hurt your feelings, and you can't resolve this issue or move on with no resentment unless you have a heart-to-heart conversation with them, but these parents simply do not want to engage in such talk, what should you do? To illustrate what I mean:

Me: mom, you really made me feel (rejected/shamed/hurt) when you did X
Mom: well, I did X because of (insert any reason/rational she has), now let's move on
me: mom, I am still really upset about it, (go on to explain why it bothers me)
Mom: For god sake, let it go, it's time to move past it. I did (list things she did good for me)
Me: crying, can't you see that I am still very upset about it and I just want to talk about it
Mom: sigh, I don't know what to do, I tried, I (again, repeat her reason/rationale), I really tried, you can't still be upset about this, let it go
End of conversation and I feel even more rejected/shamed/hurt than before the conversation.

My question is: how can I effectively communicate with her in a way that she gets it? I understand she has some communication problems, but I can't solve that, I can only accept it and try to find a way to get my message through. I need to express my feelings and feel heard, is this possible with emotionally dismissive parents?

Agree with everyone who said to stop expecting more from your mom because she’s limited and for you to consider therapy. One concept that has helped me is the idea to parent myself the way I would have wanted my parents to. My parents were both emotionally neglectful and extremely verbally abusive. My father was sexually abusive. It has taken a long time for me to set boundaries and stop feeling I owe them anything.

Also, it looks like your mother acknowledged your concern at least. She says she tried.
When I tried to bring up concerns to my mom, I was shamed and guilted. The response was “why are you so ungrateful for all we did for you? How dare you speak to your parents this way?” For a long long time I hoped they would acknowledge their abuse and neglect but now I know it will never come.

What you want is validation of your feelings by your mom. Try seeing a therapist for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the PP’s saying “she did the best she could” are misleading the OP. It’s a possibility but we don’t know that. She may be genuinely selfish, or prioritizing a spouse or step-child.

It's actually the same thing. OP's mom is limited. You are just debating *why* she is limited.

Exactly. We aren't saying that it was great. We are saying that parents do the best they can, and sometimes that best is very very far short of what is good or needed. But no one can go back in time and change that. So, you can waste time in anger and frustration by comparing what happened with what should have happened. Or you can accept it and try to find peace and forgiveness.

PP - you are arguing about ways to parent that are "good," and there is a lot of judgment in this thread. Sometimes people are just "different" and there shouldn't be a value to it (unless there is real abuse). I have four children, and they all have different personalities. My own behavior and personality probably was more well received by some of them than others, but that doesn't make me "limited" or emotionally not "supportive" etc. I sometimes have to work really hard to be patient with one of my kids who has a particular emotional need that is expressed over and over, and sometimes not in healthy ways. I am "trying my best" to be supportive because I love my child. If that child comes back and wants to berate me for being emotionally dismissive, I will find that frustrating because I am using all of the tools in my toolbox to try and understand and support them. But everyone has their limits, and maybe OP's mom is tired of being told that she doesn't measure up.

Don't know if this is true here, but sometimes loving someone means NOT supporting them in their self-deception or unhealthy emotional desires.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom is like yours but also adds a splash of “I’m the worst mother!”

Anyway, I told her clearly that I really need to resolve issues and she needs to try to understand my perspective, even if we don’t agree. It went over her head.

I cut off contact for a month. I have never done that. She was incredibly surprised and very alarmed.

I said we need to go to therapy to learn how to talk with each other. She never would have agreed to that but the month cut off scared her.

We are now doing that. We are a tiny bit better.

My mother, like yours, is not able to tune into emotions (ironic given how emotional she gets - it’s a defense mechanism to end arguments, IMO). But, to your point, she loves me and is trying by going to therapy, even though I think actually making progress will be too traumatizing for her, after a lifetime of stuffing down feelings.

Moving forward, I will be mentally distancing myself not from contact but from letting her get to me. I am lowering my expectations. To your point, she loves me but this is beyond what she’s capable of. So, we have to move forward knowing that I can’t change her.

But, the fact that we did the above makes me feel better about things, even if, from an outsider’s perspective things haven’t changed much.

[Anonymous]

Excellent thread. Such great advice.