I want my kids to date at least once while they’re still at home & in HS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my senior in HS has even kissed a girl. He’ll be staying college really inexperienced, emotionally and physically. But he’s just very shy. Hopefully he will meet a kind and patient soul in college.

What do you think of taking him on vacation to an all inclusive in Turkey? Some European girls there and they might have a somewhat different approach than their American counterparts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids in their twenties haven't even dated yet (one is 29). Yes, I wish they had relationship experience, and I wish it had happened in HS (or at all). Nobody seems to want to date.

It’s still possible. My husband met me at 29 with zero dating experience. I’m hoping he never has to learn about breaking up.

[Anonymous]

I have a girl and boy in late high school who both attend single sex schools. Neither has dated but I know my son has kissed a girl (or girls) and he regularly goes to parties. I'm quite sure my daughter has not--she really has spent no time with boys 1:1 and she does't go to parties (is not invited). her entire friend group is this way--it's a group of about a dozen lovely, sophisticated, fun, smart girls but they have almost zero contact with boys.

Part of me is bummed that my kid is basically living in a convent throughout high school. Frankly, it was a LOT of fun to make out with boys in high school. I didn't even have sex but even just kissing boys was fun. And the whole "does he like me?,"flirting, watching him across a room, tension thing. Well, it was a blast. I miss those days. (and I was a great student and athlete so none of this distracted from school, etc).

But the downside of "dating" in high school or even spending significant energy on chasing boys is that it leaves less time for developing female friendships. And those are the friendships that may last long term. I didn't make a lot of solid close friends in high school because I was so busy "dating" etc. My daughter has some lovely close friends so if she leaves high school with these and no male experience it's not a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner

I’m not shocked by it, but I wonder if you’d feel different if he was a girl.

For me, my 15 year I believe is having sex with her boyfriend. I am not upset about it, she put herself on birth control from visiting the student health center. I’d rather this than what some kids seem to do, and what I did at 18, which was “get rid of it” out of embarrassment of being an old virgin. Not that these are the only two choices of course. But she’s with a very sweet caring boy and it could be worse and I feel like is giving her a healthy foundation for relationships and intimacy. Knowing her pretty well she’s just not the type to wait to experiment so it really could be worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner

I’m not shocked by it, but I wonder if you’d feel different if he was a girl.

For me, my 15 year I believe is having sex with her boyfriend. I am not upset about it, she put herself on birth control from visiting the student health center. I’d rather this than what some kids seem to do, and what I did at 18, which was “get rid of it” out of embarrassment of being an old virgin. Not that these are the only two choices of course. But she’s with a very sweet caring boy and it could be worse and I feel like is giving her a healthy foundation for relationships and intimacy. Knowing her pretty well she’s just not the type to wait to experiment so it really could be worse.

I was a girl myself once I remember intense feelings around still being a virgin when I was 18. However when I was 17 I didn’t want to do it with someone who clearly wanted it. I think it’s more complicated for girls. If I had a daughter I wouldn’t want her to stay a virgin for too long for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner

I’m not shocked by it, but I wonder if you’d feel different if he was a girl.

For me, my 15 year I believe is having sex with her boyfriend. I am not upset about it, she put herself on birth control from visiting the student health center. I’d rather this than what some kids seem to do, and what I did at 18, which was “get rid of it” out of embarrassment of being an old virgin. Not that these are the only two choices of course. But she’s with a very sweet caring boy and it could be worse and I feel like is giving her a healthy foundation for relationships and intimacy. Knowing her pretty well she’s just not the type to wait to experiment so it really could be worse.

I was a girl myself once I remember intense feelings around still being a virgin when I was 18. However when I was 17 I didn’t want to do it with someone who clearly wanted it. I think it’s more complicated for girls. If I had a daughter I wouldn’t want her to stay a virgin for too long for sure.

Yeah makes sense! I’d rather young than very old. Some of these comments about adults in their mid 20s having never dated - I would never want that for my child. I suspect there’s a lot of insecurity and depression and social anxiety involved in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

How the hell will you do that? Will you be standing over them with a bullhorn, guiding and directing all of the action? Some of you people are twisted!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

How the hell will you do that? Will you be standing over them with a bullhorn, guiding and directing all of the action? Some of you people are twisted!

Well my plan is to buy condoms and have them available so that he can take them
Making sure he has somewhere to do it (being away from home at times)
Just being generally available for advice if needed, for safeguarding…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

No, no. I am sure there are many others who feel like you. There are also many others who are not like you.

For example, I would not want to have my kids be interested in dating in HS because I think they can wait till they get into college. I think in HS they should be concentrating on academics. I do not want them getting into starter relationships because there is no value to it. 50% of US marriages end in divorce. And a majority of marriages have mismatched libido. There is zero benefit of being in a relationship so young. Better to concentrate on your future career so that you have a good life and eventually the aim is to have a very small selective dating pool.

[Anonymous]

I felt this way too, happy that my DD seemed to have a nice BF at age 15. Then … then came the “we love each other” declarations, then came the s^x, then came the breakup, then the tears, then the resolution to never have a BF again, then the rumors flying around school because she had s^x with her BF bc he told everyone after they broke up, then the “my life is ruined”…

I wish now she had waited until college. It’s exhausting and me “supervising” this whole thing didn’t make anything better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids in their twenties haven't even dated yet (one is 29). Yes, I wish they had relationship experience, and I wish it had happened in HS (or at all). Nobody seems to want to date.

Ok. Not having dated by 29 is concerning....but even then, it's not like you can do anything about it. Your kids' love life is theirs to dictate.

I didn't really date in my twenties and I wish my parents had said something.
I'm 47 now and haven't ever had a serious long term relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

No, no. I am sure there are many others who feel like you. There are also many others who are not like you.

For example, I would not want to have my kids be interested in dating in HS because I think they can wait till they get into college. I think in HS they should be concentrating on academics. I do not want them getting into starter relationships because there is no value to it. 50% of US marriages end in divorce. And a majority of marriages have mismatched libido. There is zero benefit of being in a relationship so young. Better to concentrate on your future career so that you have a good life and eventually the aim is to have a very small selective dating pool.

Totally disagree. I'm not interested in "supervising" my children's relationships or breakups, but I think there is real value to exploring relationships when the relationship stakes are low. As teens, we have strong feelings, but everybody knows that college is looming and these infatuations may not be life-long. That's the perfect time to date, see what works for you, and move on if and when the time comes.

I actually think the academic stakes are higher in college than in high school - so why would you want to be trying out your first relationship then?!? The people I knew in my 20s who hadn't dated previously were the first to jump into marrying their first boyfriend/girlfriend. Spoiler alert, most are divorced now. Better to have multiple experiences with different relationships in relatively low-pressure environments to figure out what 'works' for you, then use that knowledge in your 20s/30s to choose the right life-long partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

How the hell will you do that? Will you be standing over them with a bullhorn, guiding and directing all of the action? Some of you people are twisted!

Well my plan is to buy condoms and have them available so that he can take them
Making sure he has somewhere to do it (being away from home at times)
Just being generally available for advice if needed, for safeguarding…

He can get condoms at college. Even when I was in college, condoms were widely available. If it makes you feel better, buy him a box (but if he’s not having sex yet, it might be expired when he actually gets around to using it). College kids can and will find a place for sex. More than likely he and his college roommate will develop a system and they don’t need your supervision. He is not going to want your advice and would probably be mortified at the thought.

Your role is to have an awkward discussion about STDs, pregnancy, protection - its use and failure rates, legal consequences, respect, that sex has emotional consequences (not just physical) for both him and his partner, etc. Make sure he knows he can come to you about anything if he wants. Talk to him about relationships.

I agree with PP that the way you phrased your earlier message was really creepy. You need to be more precise with your wording and DON’t tell your son you want him to have sex while still in your care so you can make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

You might also want to keep in mind that his girlfriends’ parents may not share your motivation to have their daughters get laid young. Please don’t mislead them into thinking you’re chaperoning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. That is very strange thinking, to be honest.

This person is an idiot.

OP, your thought process is valid and normal.

No, sorry. It's strange. As is the person who wants to help their kid have sex safely the first time. . . . You people are off the rails.