I want my kids to date at least once while they’re still at home & in HS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

No, no. I am sure there are many others who feel like you. There are also many others who are not like you.

For example, I would not want to have my kids be interested in dating in HS because I think they can wait till they get into college. I think in HS they should be concentrating on academics. I do not want them getting into starter relationships because there is no value to it. 50% of US marriages end in divorce. And a majority of marriages have mismatched libido. There is zero benefit of being in a relationship so young. Better to concentrate on your future career so that you have a good life and eventually the aim is to have a very small selective dating pool.

However humans have bounded rationality… they might fall crazy in love and not give a fig about your “very small selective dating pool”. It’s better if it happens when they are young. College isn’t too late, too, but I have seen more than one woman who got married young and then suddenly goes crazy about dating, falls in love with idiots etc - when she is like 35+

LOL! They typically have parents like OP, who focus on their kid's cooch/dick instead of career, health, academics. In other words, these people have trailer trash mentality and they are socialized into devaluing themselves. Society is made of all kinds of people. .

Which people? Who are “they”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

How the hell will you do that? Will you be standing over them with a bullhorn, guiding and directing all of the action? Some of you people are twisted!

Well my plan is to buy condoms and have them available so that he can take them
Making sure he has somewhere to do it (being away from home at times)
Just being generally available for advice if needed, for safeguarding…

He can get condoms at college. Even when I was in college, condoms were widely available. If it makes you feel better, buy him a box (but if he’s not having sex yet, it might be expired when he actually gets around to using it). College kids can and will find a place for sex. More than likely he and his college roommate will develop a system and they don’t need your supervision. He is not going to want your advice and would probably be mortified at the thought.

Your role is to have an awkward discussion about STDs, pregnancy, protection - its use and failure rates, legal consequences, respect, that sex has emotional consequences (not just physical) for both him and his partner, etc. Make sure he knows he can come to you about anything if he wants. Talk to him about relationships.

I agree with PP that the way you phrased your earlier message was really creepy. You need to be more precise with your wording and DON’t tell your son you want him to have sex while still in your care so you can make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

You might also want to keep in mind that his girlfriends’ parents may not share your motivation to have their daughters get laid young. Please don’t mislead them into thinking you’re chaperoning.

I agree with everything you said. I might not be the best writer but I am not dumb. Of course no misleading of parents. And of course no letting him know that I can’t wait for him to have sex lol
What I am thinking is:
-condoms readily available but I don’t monitor the usage
- careful with high strung, dramatic girls especially
- never spread rumors
- make damn sure you have her consent

I am also thinking of taking him on vacations to places outside the US where there’s more freedom and less weight places on relationships, where it’s easier to have a fling
I was told an all inclusive in Turkey might have the right teen crowd

You seem to have missed the part about respect and emotional consequences. I don’t know why you want to decouple sex from feelings and relationships. I’m not sure what your obsession is with Turkey. I’m not sure how the “right teen crowd” would be one for teens to have flings and virgins get deflowered without relationships. To me, that seems like a toxic crowd I’d want my child to avoid. Moreover, that crowd would seem more prone to high risk behaviors. I don’t know if you’re talking about professional sex workers or a Turkish version of spring break, but neither group would I want to entrust with my child’s health and well-being.

A Turkish version of spring break. Speaking of spring break, maybe it can be found somewhere closer?
Yes I am aware of feelings that come with sex but if it’s a summer fling it shouldn’t be too bad
Ideally i hope for my son to meet a girl who is a little older and more experienced and have a fling with her (without the sex worker vibes) and then he can go on building all kinds of relationships.
I think being even a bit experienced gives confidence and reduces anxiety

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

How the hell will you do that? Will you be standing over them with a bullhorn, guiding and directing all of the action? Some of you people are twisted!

Well my plan is to buy condoms and have them available so that he can take them
Making sure he has somewhere to do it (being away from home at times)
Just being generally available for advice if needed, for safeguarding…

He can get condoms at college. Even when I was in college, condoms were widely available. If it makes you feel better, buy him a box (but if he’s not having sex yet, it might be expired when he actually gets around to using it). College kids can and will find a place for sex. More than likely he and his college roommate will develop a system and they don’t need your supervision. He is not going to want your advice and would probably be mortified at the thought.

Your role is to have an awkward discussion about STDs, pregnancy, protection - its use and failure rates, legal consequences, respect, that sex has emotional consequences (not just physical) for both him and his partner, etc. Make sure he knows he can come to you about anything if he wants. Talk to him about relationships.

I agree with PP that the way you phrased your earlier message was really creepy. You need to be more precise with your wording and DON’t tell your son you want him to have sex while still in your care so you can make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

You might also want to keep in mind that his girlfriends’ parents may not share your motivation to have their daughters get laid young. Please don’t mislead them into thinking you’re chaperoning.

I agree with everything you said. I might not be the best writer but I am not dumb. Of course no misleading of parents. And of course no letting him know that I can’t wait for him to have sex lol
What I am thinking is:
-condoms readily available but I don’t monitor the usage
- careful with high strung, dramatic girls especially
- never spread rumors
- make damn sure you have her consent

I am also thinking of taking him on vacations to places outside the US where there’s more freedom and less weight places on relationships, where it’s easier to have a fling
I was told an all inclusive in Turkey might have the right teen crowd

The fact that you keep saying things like this and don't see anything wrong with it is the issue. You are literally lusting for your son to have sex with other teens. You are a madam.

This is creepy. You're his mom. Please stop.

Oh come on.
Good parents are supposed to provide opportunities- academics,
Sports, new experiences
It’s not like I am going to hire someone for him
But being around nice good looking girls is better than being around video game playing nerds… it might present an opportunity you know?

[Anonymous]

Yikes some of these comments are really creepy, some of you are way too entangled in your kids lives in a weird way. And I generally am ok with early dating but wanting your teen to have international one night stands is bizarre to discuss or think about

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

How the hell will you do that? Will you be standing over them with a bullhorn, guiding and directing all of the action? Some of you people are twisted!

Well my plan is to buy condoms and have them available so that he can take them
Making sure he has somewhere to do it (being away from home at times)
Just being generally available for advice if needed, for safeguarding…

He can get condoms at college. Even when I was in college, condoms were widely available. If it makes you feel better, buy him a box (but if he’s not having sex yet, it might be expired when he actually gets around to using it). College kids can and will find a place for sex. More than likely he and his college roommate will develop a system and they don’t need your supervision. He is not going to want your advice and would probably be mortified at the thought.

Your role is to have an awkward discussion about STDs, pregnancy, protection - its use and failure rates, legal consequences, respect, that sex has emotional consequences (not just physical) for both him and his partner, etc. Make sure he knows he can come to you about anything if he wants. Talk to him about relationships.

I agree with PP that the way you phrased your earlier message was really creepy. You need to be more precise with your wording and DON’t tell your son you want him to have sex while still in your care so you can make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

You might also want to keep in mind that his girlfriends’ parents may not share your motivation to have their daughters get laid young. Please don’t mislead them into thinking you’re chaperoning.

I agree with everything you said. I might not be the best writer but I am not dumb. Of course no misleading of parents. And of course no letting him know that I can’t wait for him to have sex lol
What I am thinking is:
-condoms readily available but I don’t monitor the usage
- careful with high strung, dramatic girls especially
- never spread rumors
- make damn sure you have her consent

I am also thinking of taking him on vacations to places outside the US where there’s more freedom and less weight places on relationships, where it’s easier to have a fling
I was told an all inclusive in Turkey might have the right teen crowd

You seem to have missed the part about respect and emotional consequences. I don’t know why you want to decouple sex from feelings and relationships. I’m not sure what your obsession is with Turkey. I’m not sure how the “right teen crowd” would be one for teens to have flings and virgins get deflowered without relationships. To me, that seems like a toxic crowd I’d want my child to avoid. Moreover, that crowd would seem more prone to high risk behaviors. I don’t know if you’re talking about professional sex workers or a Turkish version of spring break, but neither group would I want to entrust with my child’s health and well-being.

A Turkish version of spring break. Speaking of spring break, maybe it can be found somewhere closer?
Yes I am aware of feelings that come with sex but if it’s a summer fling it shouldn’t be too bad
Ideally i hope for my son to meet a girl who is a little older and more experienced and have a fling with her (without the sex worker vibes) and then he can go on building all kinds of relationships.
I think being even a bit experienced gives confidence and reduces anxiety

Why do you think feelings with sex are a bad thing?

Why push him to have a fling before he starts relationships?

I think you’ve got it backwards. He should just get to know girls, and let feelings develop as they will, then he can have sex when he’s ready. I’m pretty sure he can figure out sex on his own without a prior lesson/fling from someone “a little older and more experienced”. Either his first time (whatever the timing and context) will be with someone who is more experienced (although not necessarily older), or with someone who will be equally inexperienced and certainly won’t fault him for a lack of experience.

[Anonymous]

My 17 year old daughter is aromantic and asexual. So, I don’t expect her to date just so she can go through a breakup.

[Anonymous]

I do think dating can be a valuable experience. But we can't control it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

No, no. I am sure there are many others who feel like you. There are also many others who are not like you.

For example, I would not want to have my kids be interested in dating in HS because I think they can wait till they get into college. I think in HS they should be concentrating on academics. I do not want them getting into starter relationships because there is no value to it. 50% of US marriages end in divorce. And a majority of marriages have mismatched libido. There is zero benefit of being in a relationship so young. Better to concentrate on your future career so that you have a good life and eventually the aim is to have a very small selective dating pool.

However humans have bounded rationality… they might fall crazy in love and not give a fig about your “very small selective dating pool”. It’s better if it happens when they are young. College isn’t too late, too, but I have seen more than one woman who got married young and then suddenly goes crazy about dating, falls in love with idiots etc - when she is like 35+

LOL! They typically have parents like OP, who focus on their kid's cooch/dick instead of career, health, academics. In other words, these people have trailer trash mentality and they are socialized into devaluing themselves. Society is made of all kinds of people. .

Much better to be in your 40s desperately hoping IVF works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

How the hell will you do that? Will you be standing over them with a bullhorn, guiding and directing all of the action? Some of you people are twisted!

Well my plan is to buy condoms and have them available so that he can take them
Making sure he has somewhere to do it (being away from home at times)
Just being generally available for advice if needed, for safeguarding…

He can get condoms at college. Even when I was in college, condoms were widely available. If it makes you feel better, buy him a box (but if he’s not having sex yet, it might be expired when he actually gets around to using it). College kids can and will find a place for sex. More than likely he and his college roommate will develop a system and they don’t need your supervision. He is not going to want your advice and would probably be mortified at the thought.

Your role is to have an awkward discussion about STDs, pregnancy, protection - its use and failure rates, legal consequences, respect, that sex has emotional consequences (not just physical) for both him and his partner, etc. Make sure he knows he can come to you about anything if he wants. Talk to him about relationships.

I agree with PP that the way you phrased your earlier message was really creepy. You need to be more precise with your wording and DON’t tell your son you want him to have sex while still in your care so you can make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

You might also want to keep in mind that his girlfriends’ parents may not share your motivation to have their daughters get laid young. Please don’t mislead them into thinking you’re chaperoning.

I agree with everything you said. I might not be the best writer but I am not dumb. Of course no misleading of parents. And of course no letting him know that I can’t wait for him to have sex lol
What I am thinking is:
-condoms readily available but I don’t monitor the usage
- careful with high strung, dramatic girls especially
- never spread rumors
- make damn sure you have her consent

I am also thinking of taking him on vacations to places outside the US where there’s more freedom and less weight places on relationships, where it’s easier to have a fling
I was told an all inclusive in Turkey might have the right teen crowd

You seem to have missed the part about respect and emotional consequences. I don’t know why you want to decouple sex from feelings and relationships. I’m not sure what your obsession is with Turkey. I’m not sure how the “right teen crowd” would be one for teens to have flings and virgins get deflowered without relationships. To me, that seems like a toxic crowd I’d want my child to avoid. Moreover, that crowd would seem more prone to high risk behaviors. I don’t know if you’re talking about professional sex workers or a Turkish version of spring break, but neither group would I want to entrust with my child’s health and well-being.

WTF?

[Anonymous]

Most of my friends, and I, broke up with our high school boyfriends first semester of college while we were all away from our parents' supervising eyes. Why do you assume the breakup will happen at home? My brother also broke up with his girlfriend while he was away first semester. That seemed to be pretty common. We all thought we'd make it but didn't last a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

How the hell will you do that? Will you be standing over them with a bullhorn, guiding and directing all of the action? Some of you people are twisted!

Well my plan is to buy condoms and have them available so that he can take them
Making sure he has somewhere to do it (being away from home at times)
Just being generally available for advice if needed, for safeguarding…

He can get condoms at college. Even when I was in college, condoms were widely available. If it makes you feel better, buy him a box (but if he’s not having sex yet, it might be expired when he actually gets around to using it). College kids can and will find a place for sex. More than likely he and his college roommate will develop a system and they don’t need your supervision. He is not going to want your advice and would probably be mortified at the thought.

Your role is to have an awkward discussion about STDs, pregnancy, protection - its use and failure rates, legal consequences, respect, that sex has emotional consequences (not just physical) for both him and his partner, etc. Make sure he knows he can come to you about anything if he wants. Talk to him about relationships.

I agree with PP that the way you phrased your earlier message was really creepy. You need to be more precise with your wording and DON’t tell your son you want him to have sex while still in your care so you can make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

You might also want to keep in mind that his girlfriends’ parents may not share your motivation to have their daughters get laid young. Please don’t mislead them into thinking you’re chaperoning.

I agree with everything you said. I might not be the best writer but I am not dumb. Of course no misleading of parents. And of course no letting him know that I can’t wait for him to have sex lol
What I am thinking is:
-condoms readily available but I don’t monitor the usage
- careful with high strung, dramatic girls especially
- never spread rumors
- make damn sure you have her consent

I am also thinking of taking him on vacations to places outside the US where there’s more freedom and less weight places on relationships, where it’s easier to have a fling
I was told an all inclusive in Turkey might have the right teen crowd

The fact that you keep saying things like this and don't see anything wrong with it is the issue. You are literally lusting for your son to have sex with other teens. You are a madam.

This is creepy. You're his mom. Please stop.

Oh come on.
Good parents are supposed to provide opportunities- academics,
Sports, new experiences
It’s not like I am going to hire someone for him
But being around nice good looking girls is better than being around video game playing nerds… it might present an opportunity you know?

I'm choosing to believe this is some bullsh-- troll or teenager posting this. Because, man, if this is an adult, you have serious issues.

[Anonymous]

"Dating at least once is different than a relationship, especially one with a significant breakup. I would think it might take multiple dates for your child to find someone they want a relationship with."

This is hilarious. High school kids don't go out on "dates" to get to know someone and decide if they want to get serious. These are kids they already know from class, clubs, lunch hour, etc... Two young people have the hots for one another, flirt, hang out together with their friend group, and then one of them makes a move and they start a relationship.

And what does anybody mean by high school dating that's "not serious?" Do you mean that they are all obsessed with making out and talking for hours? You can be "in love" and serious and not have sex.

[Anonymous]

"Not everyone is ready or even interested in that in HS. I wasn’t and my son wasn’t either. He preferred going out as a group."

This is also dumb and misguided. Kids in high school can do both, have a relationship and hang out in a group.

And it does make a big difference if you have members of both genders in the group you hang out with. Not being interested in the opposite sex is different from not being willing to put yourself out there and start a romantic relationship with someone.

Please know that if your kid is interested in the opposite sex but not in a relationship, they likely are having random hook ups, which is not something you probably want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I regret not having that experience myself. My ideal situation would be DC non-serious dating, but you can't control that.

Exactly, DD is being way too serious and it is affecting school and our relationship with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a girl and boy in late high school who both attend single sex schools. Neither has dated but I know my son has kissed a girl (or girls) and he regularly goes to parties. I'm quite sure my daughter has not--she really has spent no time with boys 1:1 and she does't go to parties (is not invited). her entire friend group is this way--it's a group of about a dozen lovely, sophisticated, fun, smart girls but they have almost zero contact with boys.

Part of me is bummed that my kid is basically living in a convent throughout high school. Frankly, it was a LOT of fun to make out with boys in high school. I didn't even have sex but even just kissing boys was fun. And the whole "does he like me?,"flirting, watching him across a room, tension thing. Well, it was a blast. I miss those days. (and I was a great student and athlete so none of this distracted from school, etc).

But the downside of "dating" in high school or even spending significant energy on chasing boys is that it leaves less time for developing female friendships. And those are the friendships that may last long term. I didn't make a lot of solid close friends in high school because I was so busy "dating" etc. My daughter has some lovely close friends so if she leaves high school with these and no male experience it's not a bad thing.

Are they lovely? Are they fun? Then were are the boys?

My husband and I sat down our daughter as she was going into high school. She was deciding between soccer and lacrosse for her main sport, and we needed to discuss with her what she wanted to accomplish in high school. As we all know, unlike middle school things count in high school. That's not just with academics and athletics, but also your social choices.

Fortunately she was on the same wavelength. We agreed that she shouldn't be overtly mean to anyone, but that she has no obligation whatsoever to associate with anyone who pulls her down. Choosing lacrosse, we agreed that those girls and the soccer girls who she knew growing up should be her main groups. We encouraged her to make friends with older girls who could show her the ropes and help her mature, and we did everything we could to glow up what she was building on the lacrosse field and in the weight room.

It paid off. She's going to a SLAC in the Fall, where her boyfriend is a sophomore in the top frat on campus. So she'll have a foundation when she gets there, but she'll also have her pick of other men if she sees someone better.

We're proud of her. But we know it wouldn't have happened if we hadn't taken a good look with her at her social interactions over middle school, and how she should do better starting high school. For PP, we didn't settle for our daughter having self-professed "lovely" and "fun" girlfriends who didn't engage with boys and the world outside their bubble. She stepped beyond those kids who couldn't keep up with her, and she hasn't regretted it one bit.

I just threw up in my mouth a little. Congrats on engineering a little plastic fembot! You know, women can be fun all by themselves, without the approval of men.