I want my kids to date at least once while they’re still at home & in HS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

No, no. I am sure there are many others who feel like you. There are also many others who are not like you.

For example, I would not want to have my kids be interested in dating in HS because I think they can wait till they get into college. I think in HS they should be concentrating on academics. I do not want them getting into starter relationships because there is no value to it. 50% of US marriages end in divorce. And a majority of marriages have mismatched libido. There is zero benefit of being in a relationship so young. Better to concentrate on your future career so that you have a good life and eventually the aim is to have a very small selective dating pool.

However humans have bounded rationality… they might fall crazy in love and not give a fig about your “very small selective dating pool”. It’s better if it happens when they are young. College isn’t too late, too, but I have seen more than one woman who got married young and then suddenly goes crazy about dating, falls in love with idiots etc - when she is like 35+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt this way too, happy that my DD seemed to have a nice BF at age 15. Then … then came the “we love each other” declarations, then came the s^x, then came the breakup, then the tears, then the resolution to never have a BF again, then the rumors flying around school because she had s^x with her BF bc he told everyone after they broke up, then the “my life is ruined”…

I wish now she had waited until college. It’s exhausting and me “supervising” this whole thing didn’t make anything better

I assure you that your loving presence and support did make everything better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids in their twenties haven't even dated yet (one is 29). Yes, I wish they had relationship experience, and I wish it had happened in HS (or at all). Nobody seems to want to date.

Ok. Not having dated by 29 is concerning....but even then, it's not like you can do anything about it. Your kids' love life is theirs to dictate.

I didn't really date in my twenties and I wish my parents had said something.
I'm 47 now and haven't ever had a serious long term relationship.

What could they have said that would change it?
Some people have difficulties dating. I have no idea why; one example I know is the woman was very sensitive.
She kept finding fault with everyone and her mood could be ruined by the littlest things.
I think if someone isn’t dating after about 25, they need to see a good counselor. It’s on them. Better yet after 21 because college is the opportunity to date well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

No, no. I am sure there are many others who feel like you. There are also many others who are not like you.

For example, I would not want to have my kids be interested in dating in HS because I think they can wait till they get into college. I think in HS they should be concentrating on academics. I do not want them getting into starter relationships because there is no value to it. 50% of US marriages end in divorce. And a majority of marriages have mismatched libido. There is zero benefit of being in a relationship so young. Better to concentrate on your future career so that you have a good life and eventually the aim is to have a very small selective dating pool.

Not college-educated marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

How the hell will you do that? Will you be standing over them with a bullhorn, guiding and directing all of the action? Some of you people are twisted!

Well my plan is to buy condoms and have them available so that he can take them
Making sure he has somewhere to do it (being away from home at times)
Just being generally available for advice if needed, for safeguarding…

He can get condoms at college. Even when I was in college, condoms were widely available. If it makes you feel better, buy him a box (but if he’s not having sex yet, it might be expired when he actually gets around to using it). College kids can and will find a place for sex. More than likely he and his college roommate will develop a system and they don’t need your supervision. He is not going to want your advice and would probably be mortified at the thought.

Your role is to have an awkward discussion about STDs, pregnancy, protection - its use and failure rates, legal consequences, respect, that sex has emotional consequences (not just physical) for both him and his partner, etc. Make sure he knows he can come to you about anything if he wants. Talk to him about relationships.

I agree with PP that the way you phrased your earlier message was really creepy. You need to be more precise with your wording and DON’t tell your son you want him to have sex while still in your care so you can make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

You might also want to keep in mind that his girlfriends’ parents may not share your motivation to have their daughters get laid young. Please don’t mislead them into thinking you’re chaperoning.

I agree with everything you said. I might not be the best writer but I am not dumb. Of course no misleading of parents. And of course no letting him know that I can’t wait for him to have sex lol
What I am thinking is:
-condoms readily available but I don’t monitor the usage
- careful with high strung, dramatic girls especially
- never spread rumors
- make damn sure you have her consent

I am also thinking of taking him on vacations to places outside the US where there’s more freedom and less weight places on relationships, where it’s easier to have a fling
I was told an all inclusive in Turkey might have the right teen crowd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my senior in HS has even kissed a girl. He’ll be staying college really inexperienced, emotionally and physically. But he’s just very shy. Hopefully he will meet a kind and patient soul in college.

What do you think of taking him on vacation to an all inclusive in Turkey? Some European girls there and they might have a somewhat different approach than their American counterparts.

Turkey today with their upcoming fraudelent election, abduction rates, crime, harboring Russians everywhere, social unrest.

Is this like the ol Trip to the Brothel w dad?

Do you also think that all inclusives on Mexico are representative of the country of Mexico?
Also, Russians who left Russia are mostly normal people who don’t want to partake in the craziness. But I digress

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. That is very strange thinking, to be honest.

This.

[Anonymous]

OMG. Leave your kids alone, OP. Back off. Let them live their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a girl and boy in late high school who both attend single sex schools. Neither has dated but I know my son has kissed a girl (or girls) and he regularly goes to parties. I'm quite sure my daughter has not--she really has spent no time with boys 1:1 and she does't go to parties (is not invited). her entire friend group is this way--it's a group of about a dozen lovely, sophisticated, fun, smart girls but they have almost zero contact with boys.

Part of me is bummed that my kid is basically living in a convent throughout high school. Frankly, it was a LOT of fun to make out with boys in high school. I didn't even have sex but even just kissing boys was fun. And the whole "does he like me?,"flirting, watching him across a room, tension thing. Well, it was a blast. I miss those days. (and I was a great student and athlete so none of this distracted from school, etc).

But the downside of "dating" in high school or even spending significant energy on chasing boys is that it leaves less time for developing female friendships. And those are the friendships that may last long term. I didn't make a lot of solid close friends in high school because I was so busy "dating" etc. My daughter has some lovely close friends so if she leaves high school with these and no male experience it's not a bad thing.

Are they lovely? Are they fun? Then were are the boys?

My husband and I sat down our daughter as she was going into high school. She was deciding between soccer and lacrosse for her main sport, and we needed to discuss with her what she wanted to accomplish in high school. As we all know, unlike middle school things count in high school. That's not just with academics and athletics, but also your social choices.

Fortunately she was on the same wavelength. We agreed that she shouldn't be overtly mean to anyone, but that she has no obligation whatsoever to associate with anyone who pulls her down. Choosing lacrosse, we agreed that those girls and the soccer girls who she knew growing up should be her main groups. We encouraged her to make friends with older girls who could show her the ropes and help her mature, and we did everything we could to glow up what she was building on the lacrosse field and in the weight room.

It paid off. She's going to a SLAC in the Fall, where her boyfriend is a sophomore in the top frat on campus. So she'll have a foundation when she gets there, but she'll also have her pick of other men if she sees someone better.

We're proud of her. But we know it wouldn't have happened if we hadn't taken a good look with her at her social interactions over middle school, and how she should do better starting high school. For PP, we didn't settle for our daughter having self-professed "lovely" and "fun" girlfriends who didn't engage with boys and the world outside their bubble. She stepped beyond those kids who couldn't keep up with her, and she hasn't regretted it one bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

How the hell will you do that? Will you be standing over them with a bullhorn, guiding and directing all of the action? Some of you people are twisted!

Well my plan is to buy condoms and have them available so that he can take them
Making sure he has somewhere to do it (being away from home at times)
Just being generally available for advice if needed, for safeguarding…

This is weird. You can give your kid condoms if you want to when he's college age. Newsflash: He'll also have access to them for free at the on-campus health clinic.

Also, if he's away at college, you don't have to worry about making sure you're not at home enough so that he can screw his girlfriend in your house. He would have free reign to have sex at his dorm or her dorm.

I don't know what your relationship with your son is like, but as a man, I can't think of myself or any other man wanting SEX advice from their MOTHER. So I think your expectations here around this issue with your son are not rooted in reality.

I think I can just casually throw in some general considerations
He will cringe but maybe he will also take note
Of course I don’t think he will discuss details with me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

How the hell will you do that? Will you be standing over them with a bullhorn, guiding and directing all of the action? Some of you people are twisted!

Well my plan is to buy condoms and have them available so that he can take them
Making sure he has somewhere to do it (being away from home at times)
Just being generally available for advice if needed, for safeguarding…

He can get condoms at college. Even when I was in college, condoms were widely available. If it makes you feel better, buy him a box (but if he’s not having sex yet, it might be expired when he actually gets around to using it). College kids can and will find a place for sex. More than likely he and his college roommate will develop a system and they don’t need your supervision. He is not going to want your advice and would probably be mortified at the thought.

Your role is to have an awkward discussion about STDs, pregnancy, protection - its use and failure rates, legal consequences, respect, that sex has emotional consequences (not just physical) for both him and his partner, etc. Make sure he knows he can come to you about anything if he wants. Talk to him about relationships.

I agree with PP that the way you phrased your earlier message was really creepy. You need to be more precise with your wording and DON’t tell your son you want him to have sex while still in your care so you can make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

You might also want to keep in mind that his girlfriends’ parents may not share your motivation to have their daughters get laid young. Please don’t mislead them into thinking you’re chaperoning.

PP who find this poster's wording to be creepy as you rightly pointed out.

Also, great point about the girlfriend and girlfriend's parents! They might not be onboard with this lady's plan to deflower her son ASAP. She's basically treating her son's potential girlfriend as an object to be used, not as a whole person whose thoughts, feelings and wellbeing should be considered alongside her son's.

Of course I won’t be misleading the parents
If they want their daughter to be chaperoned they can be at her house
And of course there needs to be consent
Not going to break the rules
But I think I would prefer him to have some casual flings if possible. But of course it’s outside my control. I can bring him to water but not much more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

No, no. I am sure there are many others who feel like you. There are also many others who are not like you.

For example, I would not want to have my kids be interested in dating in HS because I think they can wait till they get into college. I think in HS they should be concentrating on academics. I do not want them getting into starter relationships because there is no value to it. 50% of US marriages end in divorce. And a majority of marriages have mismatched libido. There is zero benefit of being in a relationship so young. Better to concentrate on your future career so that you have a good life and eventually the aim is to have a very small selective dating pool.

However humans have bounded rationality… they might fall crazy in love and not give a fig about your “very small selective dating pool”. It’s better if it happens when they are young. College isn’t too late, too, but I have seen more than one woman who got married young and then suddenly goes crazy about dating, falls in love with idiots etc - when she is like 35+

LOL! They typically have parents like OP, who focus on their kid's cooch/dick instead of career, health, academics. In other words, these people have trailer trash mentality and they are socialized into devaluing themselves. Society is made of all kinds of people. .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

How the hell will you do that? Will you be standing over them with a bullhorn, guiding and directing all of the action? Some of you people are twisted!

Well my plan is to buy condoms and have them available so that he can take them
Making sure he has somewhere to do it (being away from home at times)
Just being generally available for advice if needed, for safeguarding…

He can get condoms at college. Even when I was in college, condoms were widely available. If it makes you feel better, buy him a box (but if he’s not having sex yet, it might be expired when he actually gets around to using it). College kids can and will find a place for sex. More than likely he and his college roommate will develop a system and they don’t need your supervision. He is not going to want your advice and would probably be mortified at the thought.

Your role is to have an awkward discussion about STDs, pregnancy, protection - its use and failure rates, legal consequences, respect, that sex has emotional consequences (not just physical) for both him and his partner, etc. Make sure he knows he can come to you about anything if he wants. Talk to him about relationships.

I agree with PP that the way you phrased your earlier message was really creepy. You need to be more precise with your wording and DON’t tell your son you want him to have sex while still in your care so you can make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

You might also want to keep in mind that his girlfriends’ parents may not share your motivation to have their daughters get laid young. Please don’t mislead them into thinking you’re chaperoning.

I agree with everything you said. I might not be the best writer but I am not dumb. Of course no misleading of parents. And of course no letting him know that I can’t wait for him to have sex lol
What I am thinking is:
-condoms readily available but I don’t monitor the usage
- careful with high strung, dramatic girls especially
- never spread rumors
- make damn sure you have her consent

I am also thinking of taking him on vacations to places outside the US where there’s more freedom and less weight places on relationships, where it’s easier to have a fling
I was told an all inclusive in Turkey might have the right teen crowd

You seem to have missed the part about respect and emotional consequences. I don’t know why you want to decouple sex from feelings and relationships. I’m not sure what your obsession is with Turkey. I’m not sure how the “right teen crowd” would be one for teens to have flings and virgins get deflowered without relationships. To me, that seems like a toxic crowd I’d want my child to avoid. Moreover, that crowd would seem more prone to high risk behaviors. I don’t know if you’re talking about professional sex workers or a Turkish version of spring break, but neither group would I want to entrust with my child’s health and well-being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So that they learn to handle a breakup in a supervised manner & get relationship experience. Am I the only person who feels this way?

I will probably shock everyone even more but I would prefer my son to have sex fairly early. I believe it boosts confidence and takes the edge off so to speak. It’s best if he first tries it while still in my care as I can probably make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

How the hell will you do that? Will you be standing over them with a bullhorn, guiding and directing all of the action? Some of you people are twisted!

Well my plan is to buy condoms and have them available so that he can take them
Making sure he has somewhere to do it (being away from home at times)
Just being generally available for advice if needed, for safeguarding…

He can get condoms at college. Even when I was in college, condoms were widely available. If it makes you feel better, buy him a box (but if he’s not having sex yet, it might be expired when he actually gets around to using it). College kids can and will find a place for sex. More than likely he and his college roommate will develop a system and they don’t need your supervision. He is not going to want your advice and would probably be mortified at the thought.

Your role is to have an awkward discussion about STDs, pregnancy, protection - its use and failure rates, legal consequences, respect, that sex has emotional consequences (not just physical) for both him and his partner, etc. Make sure he knows he can come to you about anything if he wants. Talk to him about relationships.

I agree with PP that the way you phrased your earlier message was really creepy. You need to be more precise with your wording and DON’t tell your son you want him to have sex while still in your care so you can make sure it’s done in a safe manner.

You might also want to keep in mind that his girlfriends’ parents may not share your motivation to have their daughters get laid young. Please don’t mislead them into thinking you’re chaperoning.

I agree with everything you said. I might not be the best writer but I am not dumb. Of course no misleading of parents. And of course no letting him know that I can’t wait for him to have sex lol
What I am thinking is:
-condoms readily available but I don’t monitor the usage
- careful with high strung, dramatic girls especially
- never spread rumors
- make damn sure you have her consent

I am also thinking of taking him on vacations to places outside the US where there’s more freedom and less weight places on relationships, where it’s easier to have a fling
I was told an all inclusive in Turkey might have the right teen crowd

The fact that you keep saying things like this and don't see anything wrong with it is the issue. You are literally lusting for your son to have sex with other teens. You are a madam.

This is creepy. You're his mom. Please stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a girl and boy in late high school who both attend single sex schools. Neither has dated but I know my son has kissed a girl (or girls) and he regularly goes to parties. I'm quite sure my daughter has not--she really has spent no time with boys 1:1 and she does't go to parties (is not invited). her entire friend group is this way--it's a group of about a dozen lovely, sophisticated, fun, smart girls but they have almost zero contact with boys.

Part of me is bummed that my kid is basically living in a convent throughout high school. Frankly, it was a LOT of fun to make out with boys in high school. I didn't even have sex but even just kissing boys was fun. And the whole "does he like me?,"flirting, watching him across a room, tension thing. Well, it was a blast. I miss those days. (and I was a great student and athlete so none of this distracted from school, etc).

But the downside of "dating" in high school or even spending significant energy on chasing boys is that it leaves less time for developing female friendships. And those are the friendships that may last long term. I didn't make a lot of solid close friends in high school because I was so busy "dating" etc. My daughter has some lovely close friends so if she leaves high school with these and no male experience it's not a bad thing.

Are they lovely? Are they fun? Then were are the boys?

My husband and I sat down our daughter as she was going into high school. She was deciding between soccer and lacrosse for her main sport, and we needed to discuss with her what she wanted to accomplish in high school. As we all know, unlike middle school things count in high school. That's not just with academics and athletics, but also your social choices.

Fortunately she was on the same wavelength. We agreed that she shouldn't be overtly mean to anyone, but that she has no obligation whatsoever to associate with anyone who pulls her down. Choosing lacrosse, we agreed that those girls and the soccer girls who she knew growing up should be her main groups. We encouraged her to make friends with older girls who could show her the ropes and help her mature, and we did everything we could to glow up what she was building on the lacrosse field and in the weight room.

It paid off. She's going to a SLAC in the Fall, where her boyfriend is a sophomore in the top frat on campus. So she'll have a foundation when she gets there, but she'll also have her pick of other men if she sees someone better.

We're proud of her. But we know it wouldn't have happened if we hadn't taken a good look with her at her social interactions over middle school, and how she should do better starting high school. For PP, we didn't settle for our daughter having self-professed "lovely" and "fun" girlfriends who didn't engage with boys and the world outside their bubble. She stepped beyond those kids who couldn't keep up with her, and she hasn't regretted it one bit.

This ENTIRE post is to creepy I’m hoping it’s a troll. You’re proud of your DD because she’s attending a SLAC with her older boyfriend who is in “the top frat”! I have never heard anything so shallow and I suspect she, and you, is in for a surprise when they break up because he cheated on her. You actually believe you’re setting her up to marry this guy? They are WAY too young and wouldn’t you rather describe her BF as “smart and kind” than crowing about being in the top frat? So bizzare. My kids are both Greek and my DD’s roommate is obsessed with dating the guys in the “best frat”. We talk about how odd and immature that is on a nearly daily basis. Dating someone for status never works out in the long run!