Reply to if you or your spouse cheated- how did you tell the kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Never. And I was the betrayed spouse.  I don’t buy the kids always know theory. I did not want my sons to be burdened with this info—especially at vulnerable ages (12 and 14 at the time). We were a happy family.  Of course, we had disagreements and at discovery there was tension but it was also Covid so there was a lot of different and weird in everyone’s world.  Their behaviors then and since don’t offer any insight to them ever knowing and we are very close.  They are happy thriving, social and always kept straight As.  No signs of distress.  And if they wondered what might have caused some tension at the time they seemed so engrossed in their own worlds. Therapist agreed my approach was the correct one for us.  We reconciled so I don’t know how I’d feel if it was a case where spouse took off or left to be with an AP because that would be something they would see for themselves and would have been old enough to put two and two together.  Everyone is happy, healthy and thriving 3 years later so I will take it my grave. If ever directly asked in the future I wouldn’t deny, but- again I truly don’t think it’s an issue.  My first thought was protecting them and maintaining normalcy and given the shock and trauma and anger I think I held it together very well. [/quote]

Agree with this. Even if "kids always know," that means they know SOMETHING is up. Doesn't mean they have figured out the details, and details matter. When my kids were young, I was the victim of a horrible crime/attack. I was not me. The marriage suffered. I'm sure they "knew" something was up. To this day, we're not telling them the gory details of what happened to their mother. Kids need to feel generally safe about things, and bringing them into details of things that shake the foundations of the family and their life in it is not healthy--it's kinda traumatic. You can say you're going through a tough situation if they ask, but otherwise you're just unloading on the kids. [/quote]

I feel like there is so much denial is the approach to hide the truth from the kids (not little kids, of course). It is as if the adults are saying, "Hey, my world has been shattered but I want them to still live in the Fairy Tale I thought existed."

Kids could learn from what you survived. They could understand you better (perhaps why you are over protective or why you get sad about certain things). It is a part of their story too.

I have heard therapists say that knowing "something" is wrong is much scarier for kids than actually having a particular to deal with (be it cancer diagnosis, divorce, etc). It teaches them that their parents will let them in on what is happening. They feel secure afterwards, because they are not imagining all the things it can be, waiting for the other shoe to drop, etc. The family stands strong as a team to move past it. [/quote]

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