Feeling different about my parent's divorce now as an adult....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 6 years old, my mother divorced my father because he had a drinking problem. She was a stay at home mom and left with my siblings and I to live with her parents in a small town 2 hours away from the city we lived in. When the divorce was finalized, my mother was able to stay in her childhood town with us, and my father had to stay in the city 2 hours away for his job. He did not have any work opportunities in the small town. We saw him every other weekend, 1 week over the summer, and at other random times when he'd visit us in the small town for school events and sport tournaments. He was a good father and many of my favorite childhood memories are with him. He stopped drinking after the divorce, and tried hard to continue to be a part of our lives. As far as I know, he never drank or was drunk around us kids. I know he struggled with depression, and as we got older and couldn't see him as much due to school and sport obligations, he started drinking again.

Up until now, I always supported what my mother did. She told me at the time of the divorce that he was an alcoholic and that is why we left him. She has always complained about how much hell he put her through during the divorce. He tried so hard to stop her from moving away with us, and she said he did it because he was just trying to control her and didn't want to pay as much in child support. As we got older, she also encouraged us to try and get him to pay for as much as possible on top of the child support. Looking back, I can now see how anxious this made me and how much she damaged my relationship with him.

I'm now in my early 30s and I'm starting to resent her for taking us away from him. I don't blame her for leaving him, but if we had stayed in the city, we would have seen him so much more, especially as we got older and school and sports took so much of our time. He never remarried, and for the longest time I think he had hopes that he and my mother would get back together. When I was in high school, he started drinking pretty heavily again and he died from cirrhosis in my early 20's. I gave him a hard time, even when I knew he was probably getting close to the end. I guess I have just been missing him a lot lately, and it's like all of a sudden I can see and understand his side of things. I just want to tell him that I see now how much he struggled and that I love him and don't blame him. I feel so guilty about how I handled his final years, I know he was depressed and that in the end he stopped taking his meds and just gave up and let himself die.

I don't blame my mom for my dad's drinking problem, and again I understand why she divorced him and I am not upset about that. I also know that he was far from the perfect parent. I guess I am just wondering if my newfound resentment of my mother is warranted, or do you guys think she did what she had to do?

Your mother was his wife, not you, and you have no idea what she lived through with him
He should have been paying for extra . You are truly an ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and you guys are right, it was a hard time and my mom did the best she could. She needed the support of my grandparents and the lower cost of living. It was just the anniversary of my dad's death and I was having a bad day. I'll look into grief therapy. It's been 9 years and usually I'm fine, but sometimes the memories and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have talked to my mom about the divorce in the past and she did try really hard to convince my dad to get help before she decided to leave him. Like I said in the OP, I completely understand why she divorced him and do not blame her in any way for doing that. I just wish my dad could have somehow been a part of our lives more on a day to day basis. As some here have said though, he probably could have put forth more of an effort. He had a lot of issues and unfortunately he never got the proper help for his disease.

Thank you for everyone's comments. Many of you did put things into perspective.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better OP. These things are hard. I think when we become adults we see the choices our parents made much more clearly. And we realize how narrow our view as children really was, and how shaped by their narratives. Parents are just people, imperfect people. In a divorce the best thing for the kids is for the parents to be neutral towards one another, but that is actually really hard for people to do in a divorce. And parents somehow I think don't always realize just how completely they can affect their child's perceptions and feelings, how they can inflict stress and anxiety with such ease. And in just being imperfect people can so deeply hurt the children that they also love.

Like other posters have said, this sounds really really complicated. It sounds like your dad was someone who wasn't a bad person, but who struggled greatly. And your mom had to build her life back up when he let her down. Neither is the hero, neither is the victim, both just people. And you are the innocent person in the middle that all their respective choices affected. Definitely see someone, and let yourself feel anger towards both of them, love towards both of them, compassion towards both of them. You'll never know exactly what the true situation was with your dad, but you can work to forgive yourself, because you didn't do anything wrong. You were also just an imperfect person trying to do the best they could. And there were likely times you did more than you had to and times you did less than you should have. But these things are rarely so clear in the moment, so give yourself a lot of grace. You were the kid, doing the best with the life they build for you. Appreciate it, and don't let your life become too colored by regret, I'm sure your dad, who by all accounts loved you a lot, wouldn't want that.

[Anonymous]

My family had a similar dynamic in that my father was also an alcoholic who died in my early 20s. My mother, while she never divorced him, did a lot of terrible things that impacted my siblings and I. I had resentment for a long time and actually thought we'd be estranged for the rest of my life.

But somehow I got past resentment (yes I went to therapy and learned a lot about alcoholism, al-anon and ACOA), and arrived at forgiveness, and I just wanted to share that life is just SO MUCH BETTER on this side.

I not only forgave my mother, but forgave myself for not being there, having a voice or helping as my father slowly killed himself. I know I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time (very few) and while I would never make the same decisions my mother did, I can understand, given her limited life experiences/ worldview, why she did what she did.

It is very freeing to let go of resentment and guilt. Take the necessary steps to get there.

My sister never dealt with the trauma from our childhood, and she will likely end up a similar fate as our dad.

[Anonymous]

I think blaming your mom is trying to take the easy path out of your feelings.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom is an alcoholic. I can't tell you how hard it is dealing with someone who drinks. When they're sober they're a different person, and I think your young mind focused on the good parts with your dad (as it should have). I'm only saying, from the perspective of someone who lived with an alcoholic and had her negatively impact my life in so many ways, I would give your mom some grace for what must have been a really hard thing for her to go through. I don't condone asking you and your siblings to pressure your dad for more money, and I'm sure she didn't act perfectly in all ways. But I would say that I don't think you harboring any anger or resentment towards her will do anything positive for your life. Assume she did the best she could in a horrible situation, and forgive yourself. Seek therapy if you're still troubled by this. Guilt is an awful thing to bear, and you shouldn't have to carry that around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and you guys are right, it was a hard time and my mom did the best she could. She needed the support of my grandparents and the lower cost of living. It was just the anniversary of my dad's death and I was having a bad day. I'll look into grief therapy. It's been 9 years and usually I'm fine, but sometimes the memories and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have talked to my mom about the divorce in the past and she did try really hard to convince my dad to get help before she decided to leave him. Like I said in the OP, I completely understand why she divorced him and do not blame her in any way for doing that. I just wish my dad could have somehow been a part of our lives more on a day to day basis. As some here have said though, he probably could have put forth more of an effort. He had a lot of issues and unfortunately he never got the proper help for his disease.

Thank you for everyone's comments. Many of you did put things into perspective.

OP, it also is possible that your Dad did everything he could to see you and your siblings (and your Mom), and that he deserves a gold medal of appreciation for his efforts and success in keeping himself involved and available as he did. Another poster wrote about the risk of making one parent the hero and the other parent the villain; you are at risk for continuing to feel bad (about your parents as individuals separate from you, about your relationship with your parents, about yourself, etc), period. Your behavior sounds similar to your Dad's; grieving for a prolonged period and not finding an enduring pathway forward.

Imagine your Dad seeing you now, from afar, and how he would want for you to make choices to support yourself in a healthy, life affirming way. He also would want you to be able to show up in the best way you can for the people you love or will chose to love in the future. Some people get stuck emotionally in their grief, which is understandable because it definitely happens, but if your Dad could have benefited from more advanced, or more comprehensive, care (which may not even have been available when he was alive) then perhaps he could have shown up for himself and for you, and your whole family, differently and maybe 'better' yet with each stage of his life, but all the possibilities and various scenarios do not help you to forgive yourself; all the speculation keeps you holding on to a very, very painful facet of reality and I am certain that your Dad, in his heart, would not want for you to suffer as he did.

Children can absorb and carry the shame that their parents feel. Neither of your parents want you to live and suffer as they did. Your Mom may not be able to support you now in a more comprehensive way either, but you can support yourself by forgiving yourself, forgiving your parents, and committing your energy to learning more about your grief, your vulnerability to depression, your attachment style and gaps so that you can pick yourself up when you are down, and build more compassionate relationships with other people, and with yourself, when you hit by those bricks of grief. You are not weak or pathetic; your parents were not weak or pathetic; you all are, and always will be, a family.

[Anonymous]

He fell into the bottle and drowned in it. Not your fault, not your mom's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and you guys are right, it was a hard time and my mom did the best she could. She needed the support of my grandparents and the lower cost of living. It was just the anniversary of my dad's death and I was having a bad day. I'll look into grief therapy. It's been 9 years and usually I'm fine, but sometimes the memories and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have talked to my mom about the divorce in the past and she did try really hard to convince my dad to get help before she decided to leave him. Like I said in the OP, I completely understand why she divorced him and do not blame her in any way for doing that. I just wish my dad could have somehow been a part of our lives more on a day to day basis. As some here have said though, he probably could have put forth more of an effort. He had a lot of issues and unfortunately he never got the proper help for his disease.

Thank you for everyone's comments. Many of you did put things into perspective.

A PP here. You wanted your severely alcoholic dad to have been a part of your regular life growing up? WHY?! Let me spare you the pain as I lived it. You want to have them forget to pick you up because they’re passed out somewhere? You want them showing up to school or your game totally drunk? You want them yelling at you for no reason? You want to be making excuses for them because they’re too drunk to do something they should be doing AS THE PARENT?! You want to see them urinate on themself because they’re too drunk to go to the bathroom? You want to be praying they don’t wreck the car driving you somewhere drunk?

If your father died from alcoholism when you were in your 20s , I cannot imagine what kind of drunk he was. My severely alcoholic uncle is still alive at 70, he’s been driving almost a case of bud every day since he was a teen.

Your mother saved you. SAVED you. You need to hear this. I’m so glad for you, I honestly am. I wouldn’t wish my childhood misery on anyone. I’m sorry about your father, but he wasn’t the saint you wish he was. Live your life. Good luck.

I’m so sorry you had to endure and experience so much as a child. I see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and you guys are right, it was a hard time and my mom did the best she could. She needed the support of my grandparents and the lower cost of living. It was just the anniversary of my dad's death and I was having a bad day. I'll look into grief therapy. It's been 9 years and usually I'm fine, but sometimes the memories and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have talked to my mom about the divorce in the past and she did try really hard to convince my dad to get help before she decided to leave him. Like I said in the OP, I completely understand why she divorced him and do not blame her in any way for doing that. I just wish my dad could have somehow been a part of our lives more on a day to day basis. As some here have said though, he probably could have put forth more of an effort. He had a lot of issues and unfortunately he never got the proper help for his disease.

Thank you for everyone's comments. Many of you did put things into perspective.

I can empathize with where you are so much, because my family history is very similar to yours. My grief about my father’s death (he died of cirrhosis when I was 22) was very complicated. Part of me was so angry that I would never get to have the relationship I wanted with him because he died so young, and I blamed a lot of people for that, including my mother and myself. (There was also a part of me that was relieved when he died, but maybe that’s another conversation). It took me a long time and some therapy to accept that I never would have had the relationship I wanted with him even if he hadn’t died because of his alcoholism. He would never have walked me down the aisle at my wedding and would never have been a doting grandfather to my children because he was not capable of being that person, no matter what I or my mother or anyone else did. That was a very hard thing to accept, but brought me a lot of peace when I did.

None of this means your mother didn’t make mistakes. We all do and I’m sure she is no exception. But you may find it easier to forgive those mistakes when you are able to accept that she did not take your father from you. His addiction did that, not her.

I cannot speak to your mother’s role in this because I don’t j ow enough. All I can tell you is that it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that, no matter what I or my mother had done, I would never have had the relationship I wanted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and you guys are right, it was a hard time and my mom did the best she could. She needed the support of my grandparents and the lower cost of living. It was just the anniversary of my dad's death and I was having a bad day. I'll look into grief therapy. It's been 9 years and usually I'm fine, but sometimes the memories and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have talked to my mom about the divorce in the past and she did try really hard to convince my dad to get help before she decided to leave him. Like I said in the OP, I completely understand why she divorced him and do not blame her in any way for doing that. I just wish my dad could have somehow been a part of our lives more on a day to day basis. As some here have said though, he probably could have put forth more of an effort. He had a lot of issues and unfortunately he never got the proper help for his disease.

Thank you for everyone's comments. Many of you did put things into perspective.

I can empathize with where you are so much, because my family history is very similar to yours. My grief about my father’s death (he died of cirrhosis when I was 22) was very complicated. Part of me was so angry that I would never get to have the relationship I wanted with him because he died so young, and I blamed a lot of people for that, including my mother and myself. (There was also a part of me that was relieved when he died, but maybe that’s another conversation). It took me a long time and some therapy to accept that I never would have had the relationship I wanted with him even if he hadn’t died because of his alcoholism. He would never have walked me down the aisle at my wedding and would never have been a doting grandfather to my children because he was not capable of being that person, no matter what I or my mother or anyone else did. That was a very hard thing to accept, but brought me a lot of peace when I did.

None of this means your mother didn’t make mistakes. We all do and I’m sure she is no exception. But you may find it easier to forgive those mistakes when you are able to accept that she did not take your father from you. His addiction did that, not her.

I cannot speak to your mother’s role in this because I don’t j ow enough. All I can tell you is that it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that, no matter what I or my mother had done, I would never have had the relationship I wanted

Ignore that last paragraph, I was rewriting my post and forgot to delete it.

[Anonymous]

Being a mother is hard. Being a single mom with a non-involved, alcoholic ex is way, way harder. OP, please cherish the relationship with your one living parent. Your mom likely sacrificed a lot in her life to raise you and keep you safe.

[Anonymous]

I’m in my mid 30s and my parents divorced, remarried, divorced again, remarried again, all during my childhood.

I think it’s very dumb for you to dwell in the past and stir up resentment in yourself. Focus on forgiveness and moving on. There’s nothing to gain from trying to weigh blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 6 years old, my mother divorced my father because he had a drinking problem. She was a stay at home mom and left with my siblings and I to live with her parents in a small town 2 hours away from the city we lived in. When the divorce was finalized, my mother was able to stay in her childhood town with us, and my father had to stay in the city 2 hours away for his job. He did not have any work opportunities in the small town. We saw him every other weekend, 1 week over the summer, and at other random times when he'd visit us in the small town for school events and sport tournaments. He was a good father and many of my favorite childhood memories are with him. He stopped drinking after the divorce, and tried hard to continue to be a part of our lives. As far as I know, he never drank or was drunk around us kids. I know he struggled with depression, and as we got older and couldn't see him as much due to school and sport obligations, he started drinking again.

Up until now, I always supported what my mother did. She told me at the time of the divorce that he was an alcoholic and that is why we left him. She has always complained about how much hell he put her through during the divorce. He tried so hard to stop her from moving away with us, and she said he did it because he was just trying to control her and didn't want to pay as much in child support. As we got older, she also encouraged us to try and get him to pay for as much as possible on top of the child support. Looking back, I can now see how anxious this made me and how much she damaged my relationship with him.

I'm now in my early 30s and I'm starting to resent her for taking us away from him. I don't blame her for leaving him, but if we had stayed in the city, we would have seen him so much more, especially as we got older and school and sports took so much of our time. He never remarried, and for the longest time I think he had hopes that he and my mother would get back together. When I was in high school, he started drinking pretty heavily again and he died from cirrhosis in my early 20's. I gave him a hard time, even when I knew he was probably getting close to the end. I guess I have just been missing him a lot lately, and it's like all of a sudden I can see and understand his side of things. I just want to tell him that I see now how much he struggled and that I love him and don't blame him. I feel so guilty about how I handled his final years, I know he was depressed and that in the end he stopped taking his meds and just gave up and let himself die.

I don't blame my mom for my dad's drinking problem, and again I understand why she divorced him and I am not upset about that. I also know that he was far from the perfect parent. I guess I am just wondering if my newfound resentment of my mother is warranted, or do you guys think she did what she had to do?

i think hindsight is 20/20 and it sounds to me like your mother made a hard decision based on what was best for all three of you. I think you are viewing the past through rose colored glasses (which is completely normal!) but I'd urge you not do allow yourself to develop resentment over a what might have been scenario. That sounds destructive.

You said your dad was a good father, but maybe that's because the distance allowed him to be at his best when he did see you.

I agree with others - counseling for you and an acknowledgement that your mother is human and made mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father could have seen you more if he wanted. Your mother did the right thing. Living with a drunk and parents in an unhappy marriage would have been hell.

+1

You don’t know what your father did with his time or drinking when you were little, a busy teen or in college. No one did. Only your mother when she has to live with it under the same roof until she couldn’t take it any longer.

People don’t take filing for divorce lightly OP. It is the least worst option for the family and children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't outright resent her but she was wrong to complain about those things to you.

I think we have the benefit of 40+ years of, for lack of a better term, divorce culture in knowing it was wrong for her to complain. There is so much advice out there now on the internet, in books etc, about how to handle a divorce most appropriately when there are children involved. OP’s mom probably didn’t have a Parenting - Special Concerns forum to consult on how to do it right. I find that when I am frustrated with how my parents handled things, I sometimes can give them a little more grace when I remember that they didn’t have a world of information literally in their pocket like we do now to help them with things that seem so obvious to me.