Feeling different about my parent's divorce now as an adult....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--- I don't think you have the full story. Have you spoken to your mother about why she moved away? My guess is that she needed support from her family to help raise you. Your dad was an alcoholic. Would you want your kids exposed to that? i believe you should give your mom the benefit of the doubt. She was in a very stinky situation. It's not like she just divorced your dad for philandering or because they couldn't get along. Your dad had an addiction problem. That is a much different situation. I wouldn't blame your mom for what happened. The blame really falls with your dad. He didn't get the help he needed, even after his kids were taken away. Your mom did the best she could with what she had. You need to have a discussion with your mom to find out what really went down.

This is very well stated.

As an adult child of an alcoholic i give this post a +1 overall. Its true that your mom is not perfect either, but she was the person who kept you kids safe and provided a stable home for you, and sounds like she needed family support to do it after the divorce. You don't have the full picture of your dad's behavior. It's commendable that he was able to prioritize spending time with you and stayed sober (as far as you know) during those limited visit times. But there are many points where he chose addiction over family, which is what led to your parents divorce and his medical complications.

I think it's human nature to explore "what ifs" but there is a very real chance that if you spent more time with your dad you would have been exposed to more dysfunction and may have seen him more when he was not on his "best behavior". With addiction, the family and friends of the addict can't do anything to make the person drink/not drink- for example, don't think that you being closer would have made him more likely to be sober, it doesn't worh that way. What you can control is setting healthy boundaries with an addict and have them in your life to the degree that is healthy for you.

AA, adult children of alcoholics, and/or therapy are a good idea to process this. I would also encourage you not to place too much misdirected anger with your mother, and to see if you are able to understand more of what led to her decisions.

[Anonymous]

The father probably talked to OP about her mom as if they were both her victim. He probably said things like, "I would LOVE to see you more but your mom moved you away and now I can't" or "Your mom makes it hard for me to see you" or "I wish we could spend more time together but, you live far away now" and my favorite -- "I miss you so much" (then why aren't you there???) making it seem as if it were all her mom's fault. Because cowardly weak men do that. Meanwhile it sounds like OP's mom didn't say much about her dad. People love to say, "Kids see through that" but they don't. They are influenced by the parent who says negative things about the other parent. That is a sad truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The father probably talked to OP about her mom as if they were both her victim. He probably said things like, "I would LOVE to see you more but your mom moved you away and now I can't" or "Your mom makes it hard for me to see you" or "I wish we could spend more time together but, you live far away now" and my favorite -- "I miss you so much" (then why aren't you there???) making it seem as if it were all her mom's fault. Because cowardly weak men do that. Meanwhile it sounds like OP's mom didn't say much about her dad. People love to say, "Kids see through that" but they don't. They are influenced by the parent who says negative things about the other parent. That is a sad truth.

pretty much. and like the fool op is, she is blaming her mother.

I’m shocked that Op is a woman.

I could understand if Op was a man because men don’t know what it’s like to be a woman.

You would think as a woman she would understand the fear, pain, and exhaustion her mother had to put up with being married to an alcoholic. What if he was need up killing her while being in a drunk rage? Who knows what he did to her or said to her in drunken rage when Op was not around???

Op is an awful daughter.

[Anonymous]

I hear a LOT of parent alienation here.

Did your mom ever get a job? Is that why she tried to get you to get more out of your dad? Because he was her sole means of income?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have the right to your feelings, but you're looking at it from a child's lens who feels like something was taken from her. Put yourself in your mother's shoes with an abusive husband. Cuz yes, alcoholism is a form of abuse for those having to live with someone who has it?. My grandpa was never physically violent but he was a mad and mean drunk. He didn't do anything to help around the house 98% of the time and the kids and grandma were constantly worried about where he was and if he had died.
My mom wishes her mom would have left her dad because that family was so dysfunctional and it revolved around his alcoholism.

You are creating a fairy tale of what could have been had you been able to stay in contact with your dad but he could have reached out to you at any point and didn't which I think says far more than your mother trying to give you a healthy childhood.

+1. I think it’s easy to pretend that, if an alcoholic family member isn’t physically abusive, it’s mainly an issue of them hurting themselves. Living with an alcoholic is miserable and they deeply hurt those around them every day. The constant fear, stress, and pressure that builds up day after day is truly unbearable. It is not a healthy environment in which to raise kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here, a lot of people are making assumptions that are not true and I want to clear a few things up. My father had a college degree and a stable well paying job. He would not have been able to find a job in his field near the small town. Taking a lower paying job would have meant losing his benefits (which we were covered under) and obviously he wouldn't have been able to give my mother as much child support. They did not have extensive savings as they had just upgraded into a larger home, bought new furniture for that home, and bought a new family vehicle. My mother did eventually find a job, but it was very low paying, she was able to get health insurance from it though.

My father NEVER said anything bad about my mother to us, even after she started dating her high school sweetheart shortly after we moved back to her hometown. He even kept his mouth shut when I repeated stuff that she said back to him. As a 7 year old I didn't realize how much it probably hurt him, now when I look back I cringe.

I don't know what went on between my parents before the divorce, all I can say is that he was a good dad during the times when we were with him. He made me feel like I was important, and I felt like he really liked me as a person. I didn't get that feeling very often from my mother. We talked to him often on the phone and as I stated in the OP, he would travel to visit us in the small town to attend school and sporting events.

I think part of the reason why I wonder what could've been is because I was not very happy in the small town. I enjoyed being close to my grandparents and cousins, but I was bullied in elementary school and never really found a group of people I clicked with. My high school class size was very small and I just didn't feel like I fit in. I left the town as soon as I turned 18 and I was able to do that with my father's financial support. Along with paying child support, he also started giving money monthly directly to my siblings and I once we were juniors in high school.

As I said, his drinking didn't appear to get horrible until my later high school years and beginning of college. That was the first time I witnessed any drunk behavior from him and it was pretty devastating. That's why I wonder if he had depression issues, it's like he just gave up and drank himself to death.

As I said in my previous post, it was a bad day and around the anniversary of my dad's death when I posted this. I do not blame my mother for divorcing him, I truly believe that everyone deserves to be happy and obviously she wasn't happy with him. What I am upset about is being forced to live in that small town and not being able to see my father more often. I don't have the greatest relationship with my mother, but that is due to other reasons having nothing to do with my father.

[Anonymous]

I call bullsh&t. He could've driven the 2 hours or met your Mom half way. He didn't try and you're blaming your Mom for that.

[Anonymous]

OP you didn't know him well enough to see his drunken behavior. There is NO WAY he was a drunk when you were 6 and then again at 17. He couldn't drive the 2 hours because he was probably drunk or hungover. DO NOT romanticize a drunk. They can be charming and truth-twisters. That's an addict. You are LUCKY not to be so close to an addict that you pick up their personality traits. Trust me, my ex is a dry drunk. His Mom was the real drunk. Take off the rose-xolored glasses. Embrace the addict, embrace your Father but do not think he was something he wasn't. Your Mom was the real hero here. She was there for you every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call bullsh&t. He could've driven the 2 hours or met your Mom half way. He didn't try and you're blaming your Mom for that.

Op here and he did meet my mom half way every other weekend. That was in the custody agreement. All the other times he saw us he drove 2 hours to visit us in the small town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call bullsh&t. He could've driven the 2 hours or met your Mom half way. He didn't try and you're blaming your Mom for that.

Op here and he did meet my mom half way every other weekend. That was in the custody agreement. All the other times he saw us he drove 2 hours to visit us in the small town.

You make it sound like you never saw him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call bullsh&t. He could've driven the 2 hours or met your Mom half way. He didn't try and you're blaming your Mom for that.

Op here and he did meet my mom half way every other weekend. That was in the custody agreement. All the other times he saw us he drove 2 hours to visit us in the small town.

You make it sound like you never saw him?

I stated in my OP that we were with him every other weekend and 1 week over the summer. I never said I never saw him, I said I wish I had seen him more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, a lot of people are making assumptions that are not true and I want to clear a few things up. My father had a college degree and a stable well paying job. He would not have been able to find a job in his field near the small town. Taking a lower paying job would have meant losing his benefits (which we were covered under) and obviously he wouldn't have been able to give my mother as much child support. They did not have extensive savings as they had just upgraded into a larger home, bought new furniture for that home, and bought a new family vehicle. My mother did eventually find a job, but it was very low paying, she was able to get health insurance from it though.

My father NEVER said anything bad about my mother to us, even after she started dating her high school sweetheart shortly after we moved back to her hometown. He even kept his mouth shut when I repeated stuff that she said back to him. As a 7 year old I didn't realize how much it probably hurt him, now when I look back I cringe.

I don't know what went on between my parents before the divorce, all I can say is that he was a good dad during the times when we were with him. He made me feel like I was important, and I felt like he really liked me as a person. I didn't get that feeling very often from my mother. We talked to him often on the phone and as I stated in the OP, he would travel to visit us in the small town to attend school and sporting events.

I think part of the reason why I wonder what could've been is because I was not very happy in the small town. I enjoyed being close to my grandparents and cousins, but I was bullied in elementary school and never really found a group of people I clicked with. My high school class size was very small and I just didn't feel like I fit in. I left the town as soon as I turned 18 and I was able to do that with my father's financial support. Along with paying child support, he also started giving money monthly directly to my siblings and I once we were juniors in high school.

As I said, his drinking didn't appear to get horrible until my later high school years and beginning of college. That was the first time I witnessed any drunk behavior from him and it was pretty devastating. That's why I wonder if he had depression issues, it's like he just gave up and drank himself to death.

As I said in my previous post, it was a bad day and around the anniversary of my dad's death when I posted this. I do not blame my mother for divorcing him, I truly believe that everyone deserves to be happy and obviously she wasn't happy with him. What I am upset about is being forced to live in that small town and not being able to see my father more often. I don't have the greatest relationship with my mother, but that is due to other reasons having nothing to do with my father.

then why didn’t he fight for full custody??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, a lot of people are making assumptions that are not true and I want to clear a few things up. My father had a college degree and a stable well paying job. He would not have been able to find a job in his field near the small town. Taking a lower paying job would have meant losing his benefits (which we were covered under) and obviously he wouldn't have been able to give my mother as much child support. They did not have extensive savings as they had just upgraded into a larger home, bought new furniture for that home, and bought a new family vehicle. My mother did eventually find a job, but it was very low paying, she was able to get health insurance from it though.

My father NEVER said anything bad about my mother to us, even after she started dating her high school sweetheart shortly after we moved back to her hometown. He even kept his mouth shut when I repeated stuff that she said back to him. As a 7 year old I didn't realize how much it probably hurt him, now when I look back I cringe.

I don't know what went on between my parents before the divorce, all I can say is that he was a good dad during the times when we were with him. He made me feel like I was important, and I felt like he really liked me as a person. I didn't get that feeling very often from my mother. We talked to him often on the phone and as I stated in the OP, he would travel to visit us in the small town to attend school and sporting events.

I think part of the reason why I wonder what could've been is because I was not very happy in the small town. I enjoyed being close to my grandparents and cousins, but I was bullied in elementary school and never really found a group of people I clicked with. My high school class size was very small and I just didn't feel like I fit in. I left the town as soon as I turned 18 and I was able to do that with my father's financial support. Along with paying child support, he also started giving money monthly directly to my siblings and I once we were juniors in high school.

As I said, his drinking didn't appear to get horrible until my later high school years and beginning of college. That was the first time I witnessed any drunk behavior from him and it was pretty devastating. That's why I wonder if he had depression issues, it's like he just gave up and drank himself to death.

As I said in my previous post, it was a bad day and around the anniversary of my dad's death when I posted this. I do not blame my mother for divorcing him, I truly believe that everyone deserves to be happy and obviously she wasn't happy with him. What I am upset about is being forced to live in that small town and not being able to see my father more often. I don't have the greatest relationship with my mother, but that is due to other reasons having nothing to do with my father.

then why didn’t he fight for full custody??

Op here and he did fight for full custody. My mom said he only did it because he thought he would be able to better control her if he won. Obviously I don't know the whole story and I never talked to him about it. I guess it wasn't very common for father's to get full custody back then, I'm not sure how they came to the every other weekend custody agreement. The small town we moved to was in another state, and I know for a while she couldn't leave the state with us so we stayed with family nearby. She said that he finally let us leave the state when she promised him she wouldn't keep him from us.