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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, and you guys are right, it was a hard time and my mom did the best she could. She needed the support of my grandparents and the lower cost of living. It was just the anniversary of my dad's death and I was having a bad day. I'll look into grief therapy. It's been 9 years and usually I'm fine, but sometimes the memories and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have talked to my mom about the divorce in the past and she did try really hard to convince my dad to get help before she decided to leave him. Like I said in the OP, I completely understand why she divorced him and do not blame her in any way for doing that. I just wish my dad could have somehow been a part of our lives more on a day to day basis. As some here have said though, he probably could have put forth more of an effort. He had a lot of issues and unfortunately he never got the proper help for his disease.

Thank you for everyone's comments. Many of you did put things into perspective.   [/quote]

OP, it also is possible that your Dad did everything he could to see you and your siblings (and your Mom), and that he deserves a gold medal of appreciation for his efforts and success in keeping himself involved and available as he did.  Another poster wrote about the risk of making one parent the hero and the other parent the villain; you are at risk for continuing to feel bad (about your parents as individuals separate from you, about your relationship with your parents, about yourself, etc), period.  Your behavior sounds similar to your Dad's; grieving for a prolonged period and not finding an enduring pathway forward.

Imagine your Dad seeing you now, from afar, and how he would want for you to make choices to support yourself in a healthy, life affirming way.  He also would want you to be able to show up in the best way you can for the people you love or will chose to love in the future.  Some people get stuck emotionally in their grief, which is understandable because it definitely happens, but if your Dad could have benefited from more advanced, or more comprehensive, care (which may not even have been available when he was alive) then perhaps he could have shown up for himself and for you, and your whole family, differently and maybe 'better' yet with each stage of his life, but all the possibilities and various scenarios do not help you to forgive yourself; all the speculation keeps you holding on to a very, very painful facet of reality and I am certain that your Dad, in his heart, would not want for you to suffer as he did.

Children can absorb and carry the shame that their parents feel. Neither of your parents want you to live and suffer as they did.  Your Mom may not be able to support you now in a more comprehensive way either, but you can support yourself by forgiving yourself, forgiving your parents, and committing your energy to learning more about your grief, your vulnerability to depression, your attachment style and gaps so that you can pick yourself up when you are down, and build more compassionate relationships with other people, and with yourself, when you hit by those bricks of grief.  You are not weak or pathetic; your parents were not weak or pathetic; you all are, and always will be, a family.[/quote]

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