Feeling different about my parent's divorce now as an adult....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom was a POS. An alcoholic parent is 99% of the time completely overblown and exaggerated. You prove this by showing that he never once abused you.

What? She stole a relationship from her daughter and her daughter now feels that ache. That's trauma. And to cause it for fear of seeing her dad drinking beer? That's truly WTF.

Says the alcoholic.

NP. That’s a cheap shot and you really have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father could have seen you more if he wanted. Your mother did the right thing. Living with a drunk and parents in an unhappy marriage would have been hell.

Her mother abused her and came between her relationship with her father. That IS hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't outright resent her but she was wrong to complain about those things to you.

I think we have the benefit of 40+ years of, for lack of a better term, divorce culture in knowing it was wrong for her to complain. There is so much advice out there now on the internet, in books etc, about how to handle a divorce most appropriately when there are children involved. OP’s mom probably didn’t have a Parenting - Special Concerns forum to consult on how to do it right. I find that when I am frustrated with how my parents handled things, I sometimes can give them a little more grace when I remember that they didn’t have a world of information literally in their pocket like we do now to help them with things that seem so obvious to me.

Oh yes. She was supposed to divorce him but prop him up as an amazing person and father so the kids what? Believed he was wonderful and for unknown reasons the parents divorced. She had custody and moved to where she had a support network and can afford to raise kids. Do you really think living in squalor so you can see your alcoholic father more, whatever that means, is the solution to it all?

Thank goodness you don’t have anyone with addiction or disorders in your life. It’s hell. Even for adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom was a POS. An alcoholic parent is 99% of the time completely overblown and exaggerated. You prove this by showing that he never once abused you.

What? She stole a relationship from her daughter and her daughter now feels that ache. That's trauma. And to cause it for fear of seeing her dad drinking beer? That's truly WTF.

Did his alcoholism kill him at an early age??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom was a POS. An alcoholic parent is 99% of the time completely overblown and exaggerated. You prove this by showing that he never once abused you.

NP here and child of an alcoholic. Go take your BS somewhere else. Being an alcoholic IS being abusive. STFU.

NP and I get what the PP is saying. Just labeling the dad an “alcoholic” - especially in the context of a divorce - doesn’t necessarily mean he was this terrible person. My dad meets the criteria of an alcoholic but he is incredibly high functioning. Ran marathons. Was the CEO of a company. Got up every day at 630 am and worked. But at the end of the day, starting at 530 or 6 pm, he had to drink. He’d typically drink a dozen beers a night, begin to ramble and go to bed. Never raised his voice, never abused his family. So I’m not sure I’d agree that having an alcoholic father necessarily equals abuse.

Sure. But this scenario also seems far less likely to lead to divorce. I would also say it not modeling appropriate alcohol consumption for kids growing up in that circumstance.

So basically he was nothing but a paycheck. He literally but drink from 6pm onward once home. He gave his best self, his sober self at work, and did nothing at home but drink and sit around. What a role model. Neglect is abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom was a POS. An alcoholic parent is 99% of the time completely overblown and exaggerated. You prove this by showing that he never once abused you.

NP here and child of an alcoholic. Go take your BS somewhere else. Being an alcoholic IS being abusive. STFU.

NP and I get what the PP is saying. Just labeling the dad an “alcoholic” - especially in the context of a divorce - doesn’t necessarily mean he was this terrible person. My dad meets the criteria of an alcoholic but he is incredibly high functioning. Ran marathons. Was the CEO of a company. Got up every day at 630 am and worked. But at the end of the day, starting at 530 or 6 pm, he had to drink. He’d typically drink a dozen beers a night, begin to ramble and go to bed. Never raised his voice, never abused his family. So I’m not sure I’d agree that having an alcoholic father necessarily equals abuse.

Sure. But this scenario also seems far less likely to lead to divorce. I would also say it not modeling appropriate alcohol consumption for kids growing up in that circumstance.

So basically he was nothing but a paycheck. He literally but drink from 6pm onward once home. He gave his best self, his sober self at work, and did nothing at home but drink and sit around. What a role model. Neglect is abuse.

Go hop over to that thread about what it’s like to work at an Amazon warehouse and then reconsider your sanctimony. Some people do not respond perfectly when faced with bad circumstances. They still don’t deserve to be abandoned by their own family or tormented just because of their shortcomings, especially when they are really trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father could have seen you more if he wanted. Your mother did the right thing. Living with a drunk and parents in an unhappy marriage would have been hell.

I’m amazed at the anger she has at her mother.

Her father most likely has hit her mother and put her through so much emotional abuse. Op is a horrible daughter my god.

If a man wants to see his child he will find a way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't outright resent her but she was wrong to complain about those things to you.

Wtf? At some point in time a parent has to be tell their child the honest truth about their existence and what brought them here.

Was her mother suppose to lie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom was a POS. An alcoholic parent is 99% of the time completely overblown and exaggerated. You prove this by showing that he never once abused you.

NP here and child of an alcoholic. Go take your BS somewhere else. Being an alcoholic IS being abusive. STFU.

NP and I get what the PP is saying. Just labeling the dad an “alcoholic” - especially in the context of a divorce - doesn’t necessarily mean he was this terrible person. My dad meets the criteria of an alcoholic but he is incredibly high functioning. Ran marathons. Was the CEO of a company. Got up every day at 630 am and worked. But at the end of the day, starting at 530 or 6 pm, he had to drink. He’d typically drink a dozen beers a night, begin to ramble and go to bed. Never raised his voice, never abused his family. So I’m not sure I’d agree that having an alcoholic father necessarily equals abuse.

Sure. But this scenario also seems far less likely to lead to divorce. I would also say it not modeling appropriate alcohol consumption for kids growing up in that circumstance.

So basically he was nothing but a paycheck. He literally but drink from 6pm onward once home. He gave his best self, his sober self at work, and did nothing at home but drink and sit around. What a role model. Neglect is abuse.

Go hop over to that thread about what it’s like to work at an Amazon warehouse and then reconsider your sanctimony. Some people do not respond perfectly when faced with bad circumstances. They still don’t deserve to be abandoned by their own family or tormented just because of their shortcomings, especially when they are really trying.

Addicts get NO sympathy from me. NONE. I’ve lived with some as a child and teen, had them lie to me, steal from me, embarrass me, berate me, I was forced to do the parent roles like cook, clean, babysit my siblings bc my mother was too drunk to do it. Children of alcoholics suffer trauma every single day, even if their drunk parent is passed out all night. There is not one single excuse that justifies it. Not one.

I don’t care where they work, if they even work at all. No child under any circumstance deserves to live with a drunk for a parent. I lived that life. It was he!! I was very clear with my DH before we got married and before we had children that I would never allow my children to live in a house with an alcoholic parent (him or me) and that I would leave if he ever became one. I am firm on this. I do not drink alcohol at all. People like PP with their soft angles and boo hoo for the drunk have zero idea what it is like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't outright resent her but she was wrong to complain about those things to you.

Wtf? At some point in time a parent has to be tell their child the honest truth about their existence and what brought them here.

Was her mother suppose to lie?

The opinion of the mother is not “truth”. If you have never lived this situation then you may not understand. Are you so naive to think that mothers never badmouth fathers and drive a wedge between their kids? There is a whole world of experience out there that would shock you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom was a POS. An alcoholic parent is 99% of the time completely overblown and exaggerated. You prove this by showing that he never once abused you.

NP here and child of an alcoholic. Go take your BS somewhere else. Being an alcoholic IS being abusive. STFU.

NP and I get what the PP is saying. Just labeling the dad an “alcoholic” - especially in the context of a divorce - doesn’t necessarily mean he was this terrible person. My dad meets the criteria of an alcoholic but he is incredibly high functioning. Ran marathons. Was the CEO of a company. Got up every day at 630 am and worked. But at the end of the day, starting at 530 or 6 pm, he had to drink. He’d typically drink a dozen beers a night, begin to ramble and go to bed. Never raised his voice, never abused his family. So I’m not sure I’d agree that having an alcoholic father necessarily equals abuse.

Sure. But this scenario also seems far less likely to lead to divorce. I would also say it not modeling appropriate alcohol consumption for kids growing up in that circumstance.

So basically he was nothing but a paycheck. He literally but drink from 6pm onward once home. He gave his best self, his sober self at work, and did nothing at home but drink and sit around. What a role model. Neglect is abuse.

Go hop over to that thread about what it’s like to work at an Amazon warehouse and then reconsider your sanctimony. Some people do not respond perfectly when faced with bad circumstances. They still don’t deserve to be abandoned by their own family or tormented just because of their shortcomings, especially when they are really trying.

Addicts get NO sympathy from me. NONE. I’ve lived with some as a child and teen, had them lie to me, steal from me, embarrass me, berate me, I was forced to do the parent roles like cook, clean, babysit my siblings bc my mother was too drunk to do it. Children of alcoholics suffer trauma every single day, even if their drunk parent is passed out all night. There is not one single excuse that justifies it. Not one.

I don’t care where they work, if they even work at all. No child under any circumstance deserves to live with a drunk for a parent. I lived that life. It was he!! I was very clear with my DH before we got married and before we had children that I would never allow my children to live in a house with an alcoholic parent (him or me) and that I would leave if he ever became one. I am firm on this. I do not drink alcohol at all. People like PP with their soft angles and boo hoo for the drunk have zero idea what it is like.

You are projecting your own trauma onto a stranger that was not described in similar terms. All addicts are not the same and do not deserve to be written off wholesale. These are human beings that are part of your family. They need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom was a POS. An alcoholic parent is 99% of the time completely overblown and exaggerated. You prove this by showing that he never once abused you.

NP here and child of an alcoholic. Go take your BS somewhere else. Being an alcoholic IS being abusive. STFU.

NP and I get what the PP is saying. Just labeling the dad an “alcoholic” - especially in the context of a divorce - doesn’t necessarily mean he was this terrible person. My dad meets the criteria of an alcoholic but he is incredibly high functioning. Ran marathons. Was the CEO of a company. Got up every day at 630 am and worked. But at the end of the day, starting at 530 or 6 pm, he had to drink. He’d typically drink a dozen beers a night, begin to ramble and go to bed. Never raised his voice, never abused his family. So I’m not sure I’d agree that having an alcoholic father necessarily equals abuse.

Sure. But this scenario also seems far less likely to lead to divorce. I would also say it not modeling appropriate alcohol consumption for kids growing up in that circumstance.

So basically he was nothing but a paycheck. He literally but drink from 6pm onward once home. He gave his best self, his sober self at work, and did nothing at home but drink and sit around. What a role model. Neglect is abuse.

Go hop over to that thread about what it’s like to work at an Amazon warehouse and then reconsider your sanctimony. Some people do not respond perfectly when faced with bad circumstances. They still don’t deserve to be abandoned by their own family or tormented just because of their shortcomings, especially when they are really trying.

Addicts get NO sympathy from me. NONE. I’ve lived with some as a child and teen, had them lie to me, steal from me, embarrass me, berate me, I was forced to do the parent roles like cook, clean, babysit my siblings bc my mother was too drunk to do it. Children of alcoholics suffer trauma every single day, even if their drunk parent is passed out all night. There is not one single excuse that justifies it. Not one.

I don’t care where they work, if they even work at all. No child under any circumstance deserves to live with a drunk for a parent. I lived that life. It was he!! I was very clear with my DH before we got married and before we had children that I would never allow my children to live in a house with an alcoholic parent (him or me) and that I would leave if he ever became one. I am firm on this. I do not drink alcohol at all. People like PP with their soft angles and boo hoo for the drunk have zero idea what it is like.

You are projecting your own trauma onto a stranger that was not described in similar terms. All addicts are not the same and do not deserve to be written off wholesale. These are human beings that are part of your family. They need help.

Screw then. Addicts leave so much hurt, never take full responsibility and it’s always someone else’s fault. Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't outright resent her but she was wrong to complain about those things to you.

Wtf? At some point in time a parent has to be tell their child the honest truth about their existence and what brought them here.

Was her mother suppose to lie?

Lying keeps the cycle of being attracted to abusers or neglecting going. That’s the male role model of how to treat women. Ignore, lash out, do whatever they want and the woman sits here covering up for him even to her children. Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom was a POS. An alcoholic parent is 99% of the time completely overblown and exaggerated. You prove this by showing that he never once abused you.

NP here and child of an alcoholic. Go take your BS somewhere else. Being an alcoholic IS being abusive. STFU.

NP and I get what the PP is saying. Just labeling the dad an “alcoholic” - especially in the context of a divorce - doesn’t necessarily mean he was this terrible person. My dad meets the criteria of an alcoholic but he is incredibly high functioning. Ran marathons. Was the CEO of a company. Got up every day at 630 am and worked. But at the end of the day, starting at 530 or 6 pm, he had to drink. He’d typically drink a dozen beers a night, begin to ramble and go to bed. Never raised his voice, never abused his family. So I’m not sure I’d agree that having an alcoholic father necessarily equals abuse.

Sure. But this scenario also seems far less likely to lead to divorce. I would also say it not modeling appropriate alcohol consumption for kids growing up in that circumstance.

So basically he was nothing but a paycheck. He literally but drink from 6pm onward once home. He gave his best self, his sober self at work, and did nothing at home but drink and sit around. What a role model. Neglect is abuse.

Go hop over to that thread about what it’s like to work at an Amazon warehouse and then reconsider your sanctimony. Some people do not respond perfectly when faced with bad circumstances. They still don’t deserve to be abandoned by their own family or tormented just because of their shortcomings, especially when they are really trying.

I’m not going to read some Amazon job thread.

If your parents and community never taught you how to communicate and positive coping mechanisms for setbacks then they didn’t raise you or parent you well. You were left to your own devices and developed negative, maladaptive “coping” mechanisms, like overdrinking, drugs, gambling, bullying others, sitting around on screens, over-eating.

Break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Jeez, lots of projection going on in this thread. From all sides.

OP it's not easy being married to an alcoholic. Not easy having kids with him, not easy sharing kids with him post-divorce. He made his choice and he chose the bottle over his marriage.

Your mom is responsible for the things she did.
Your dad is responsible for the things he did.

You need to forgive, let it go, and move on.