Feeling different about my parent's divorce now as an adult....

[Anonymous]

Your mom did the right thing for you guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 6 years old, my mother divorced my father because he had a drinking problem. She was a stay at home mom and left with my siblings and I to live with her parents in a small town 2 hours away from the city we lived in. When the divorce was finalized, my mother was able to stay in her childhood town with us, and my father had to stay in the city 2 hours away for his job. He did not have any work opportunities in the small town. We saw him every other weekend, 1 week over the summer, and at other random times when he'd visit us in the small town for school events and sport tournaments. He was a good father and many of my favorite childhood memories are with him. He stopped drinking after the divorce, and tried hard to continue to be a part of our lives. As far as I know, he never drank or was drunk around us kids. I know he struggled with depression, and as we got older and couldn't see him as much due to school and sport obligations, he started drinking again.

Up until now, I always supported what my mother did. She told me at the time of the divorce that he was an alcoholic and that is why we left him. She has always complained about how much hell he put her through during the divorce. He tried so hard to stop her from moving away with us, and she said he did it because he was just trying to control her and didn't want to pay as much in child support. As we got older, she also encouraged us to try and get him to pay for as much as possible on top of the child support. Looking back, I can now see how anxious this made me and how much she damaged my relationship with him.

I'm now in my early 30s and I'm starting to resent her for taking us away from him. I don't blame her for leaving him, but if we had stayed in the city, we would have seen him so much more, especially as we got older and school and sports took so much of our time. He never remarried, and for the longest time I think he had hopes that he and my mother would get back together. When I was in high school, he started drinking pretty heavily again and he died from cirrhosis in my early 20's. I gave him a hard time, even when I knew he was probably getting close to the end. I guess I have just been missing him a lot lately, and it's like all of a sudden I can see and understand his side of things. I just want to tell him that I see now how much he struggled and that I love him and don't blame him. I feel so guilty about how I handled his final years, I know he was depressed and that in the end he stopped taking his meds and just gave up and let himself die.

I don't blame my mom for my dad's drinking problem, and again I understand why she divorced him and I am not upset about that. I also know that he was far from the perfect parent. I guess I am just wondering if my newfound resentment of my mother is warranted, or do you guys think she did what she had to do?

Hugs, OP. That sounds so hard.

Gently, this is not something DCUM can answer. You will get jerks on both sides here who read your story and respond with their own biases, not really thinking about you. The reality is probably somewhere messy and hard and in between. Being married to an alcoholic with small kids and no job prospects is hard. Being far from kids you love is hard. You are grieving, and DCUM can’t answer your question.

Best wishes to you OP and take care.

NP. Best advice I’ve seen ever on this site. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

If his drinking was so bad that he died of cirrhosis in your 20s, your mom was right to keep you away from him. I’ve seen this play out with men I know who are addicts - they can keep it together for a weekend or week here and there. But if they have the kids more than that, the addiction becomes a huge problem and things like drinking around the kids, driving the kids while drinking, etc creep in.

For him to die that early, it’s likely he was drinking for your entire childhood and never quit. He just hid it well from you.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. Your dad’s alcoholism, your parents’ divorce, your dad’s shrinking roll in your life, your mom’s financial issues, your anxiety, and your dad’s premature death are a lot to process. A therapist can help you through the process.

It’s easy to think of conflicts as having a good side and a bad side, a hero and a villain. In real life, it’s rarely that black and white. Most of us are flawed people doing the best we can, and we’re right sometimes and wrong other times. Your mom and dad both loved you and they each did the best they could. It might help you to remember that your mom was experiencing her own loss and grief. I’m sure she would have preferred for your dad to have stopped drinking and to have had a happy marriage and for him to be a coparent on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't outright resent her but she was wrong to complain about those things to you.

[Anonymous]

I think she did what she had to do. Your dad, on the other hand… I guess he did too.
But, I can tell you first hand, when you have parents with baggage, it’s normal to shift blame from one to the other and back. In the end, they both failed you, but also both of them did what they could. Basically it’s just bad luck having dysfunctional parents, and there’s no way of fixing it. But you can make yourself as functional as possible and be the parent you always wanted to have.

[Anonymous]

Likely your dad dying when you were young is contributing to this.

However women and mothers are not the good people and men and fathers the bad people. We can't assume that women have good intentions or motivations and men bad ones. Women can be all the bad things that men are and they don't always make the right choices or decisions. Men and women also experience all the contexts and factors that shape the decisions they make. Humans are complex.

My ex SIL was not a good mother at all but the guilt over societal expectations that she was supposed to be and the fact that society and the courts saw her as better parent solely due to her female sex meant a horrible childhood for my nieces. After ten years of court battles my brother finally got sole custody. Over time he was actually able to get them to reestablish a relationship with their mother but they will be forever scarred and damaged and in therapy for the ten years she had them, when they had a healthy and loving parent who desperately wanted them and was fighting to get them. She would have been a much better non custodial parent and the kids and her would have had much better relationships and there would have been so much less trauma if society accepted that fathers can be great parents and not all mothers are.

Becoming an adult makes you look differently at both parents. In some cases you understand more why they did what they did and in other cases, you see more where they didn't do the right things or where they weren't in the right. If / when you become a parent, there is another refreshing of your view and perspective of the choices and decisions that each parent made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father could have seen you more if he wanted. Your mother did the right thing. Living with a drunk and parents in an unhappy marriage would have been hell.

This.

OP, my mother was a hard core alcoholic, from a family of alcoholics who lived near us and who we also saw all the time. So I grew up surrounded by drunk grandparents and drunk uncles.

You are romaticizing a relationship you wanted but were never going to have with your father. Your father made choices to drink. Your mother is NOT at fault here. I wish my father had removed us from our situation. I wish my father would have taken away the keys all the times my mother or her brother drove us somewhere wasted. I wish my uncle hadn't gotten almost arrested at my wedding for being falling down drunk. I wish my grandmother hadn't died from alcoholism. I begged my mother to quit drinking. I was so embarrassed in my community, everyone knew. You are so lucky your mother had the guts to leave. Some of us never were.

[Anonymous]

Your father was an adult who could have made an attempt to build a relationship with you if he truly wanted to. He was probably choosing alcohol over you for the majority of his life, but yet you are blaming your mother?

[Anonymous]

OP here, and you guys are right, it was a hard time and my mom did the best she could. She needed the support of my grandparents and the lower cost of living. It was just the anniversary of my dad's death and I was having a bad day. I'll look into grief therapy. It's been 9 years and usually I'm fine, but sometimes the memories and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have talked to my mom about the divorce in the past and she did try really hard to convince my dad to get help before she decided to leave him. Like I said in the OP, I completely understand why she divorced him and do not blame her in any way for doing that. I just wish my dad could have somehow been a part of our lives more on a day to day basis. As some here have said though, he probably could have put forth more of an effort. He had a lot of issues and unfortunately he never got the proper help for his disease.

Thank you for everyone's comments. Many of you did put things into perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and you guys are right, it was a hard time and my mom did the best she could. She needed the support of my grandparents and the lower cost of living. It was just the anniversary of my dad's death and I was having a bad day. I'll look into grief therapy. It's been 9 years and usually I'm fine, but sometimes the memories and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have talked to my mom about the divorce in the past and she did try really hard to convince my dad to get help before she decided to leave him. Like I said in the OP, I completely understand why she divorced him and do not blame her in any way for doing that. I just wish my dad could have somehow been a part of our lives more on a day to day basis. As some here have said though, he probably could have put forth more of an effort. He had a lot of issues and unfortunately he never got the proper help for his disease.

Thank you for everyone's comments. Many of you did put things into perspective.

Give yourself some grace too, OP. You can absolutely miss the relationship you wish you'd been able to have with your dad. That doesn't make it anyone's fault. Heck, I miss the relationship I wish I had with my dad. He's always been technically present, but likely on the autism spectrum and just never connected. He'd rather unclog a drain than have a conversation. That doesn't make it his fault or my fault, but it just is. Your dad had an illness and your parents divorced. Cost of living was an issue. Depression was an issue. Job availability was an issue. People are imperfect. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or isn't hard or doesn't result in feelings of loss. It can hurt without it being anyone's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and you guys are right, it was a hard time and my mom did the best she could. She needed the support of my grandparents and the lower cost of living. It was just the anniversary of my dad's death and I was having a bad day. I'll look into grief therapy. It's been 9 years and usually I'm fine, but sometimes the memories and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have talked to my mom about the divorce in the past and she did try really hard to convince my dad to get help before she decided to leave him. Like I said in the OP, I completely understand why she divorced him and do not blame her in any way for doing that. I just wish my dad could have somehow been a part of our lives more on a day to day basis. As some here have said though, he probably could have put forth more of an effort. He had a lot of issues and unfortunately he never got the proper help for his disease.

Thank you for everyone's comments. Many of you did put things into perspective.

Hugs, OP. I hope today is a better day.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like you’re getting to a better place. I just wanted to chime in to say this cuts both ways. There are times when I resent my mother terribly for not leaving my alcoholic father. Then there are times that I understand that she did what she had to do. Wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like you’re getting to a better place. I just wanted to chime in to say this cuts both ways. There are times when I resent my mother terribly for not leaving my alcoholic father. Then there are times that I understand that she did what she had to do. Wishing you peace.

OP, I would like to reiterate the “it cuts both ways” sentiment. My dad was not an alcoholic, but my parents’ divorce was complicated and nasty. At different points I’ve thought one or the other was the hero or the villain. I’ve now arrived at a better place realizing that they were both simply human. People are complicated, make mistakes, or make hard choices that can look like a mistake to others. I’m now in my 40s, and I feel like I’m in a better place when it comes to my parents. I feel sad that I think both of their lives could be better, but I can’t fix that. I can work on how I live my own life in the present, though. Give yourself some grace. It’s okay to be conflicted, emotional, and confused at times. This is a long journey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and you guys are right, it was a hard time and my mom did the best she could. She needed the support of my grandparents and the lower cost of living. It was just the anniversary of my dad's death and I was having a bad day. I'll look into grief therapy. It's been 9 years and usually I'm fine, but sometimes the memories and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have talked to my mom about the divorce in the past and she did try really hard to convince my dad to get help before she decided to leave him. Like I said in the OP, I completely understand why she divorced him and do not blame her in any way for doing that. I just wish my dad could have somehow been a part of our lives more on a day to day basis. As some here have said though, he probably could have put forth more of an effort. He had a lot of issues and unfortunately he never got the proper help for his disease.

Thank you for everyone's comments. Many of you did put things into perspective.

A PP here. You wanted your severely alcoholic dad to have been a part of your regular life growing up? WHY?! Let me spare you the pain as I lived it. You want to have them forget to pick you up because they’re passed out somewhere? You want them showing up to school or your game totally drunk? You want them yelling at you for no reason? You want to be making excuses for them because they’re too drunk to do something they should be doing AS THE PARENT?! You want to see them urinate on themself because they’re too drunk to go to the bathroom? You want to be praying they don’t wreck the car driving you somewhere drunk?

If your father died from alcoholism when you were in your 20s , I cannot imagine what kind of drunk he was. My severely alcoholic uncle is still alive at 70, he’s been driving almost a case of bud every day since he was a teen.

Your mother saved you. SAVED you. You need to hear this. I’m so glad for you, I honestly am. I wouldn’t wish my childhood misery on anyone. I’m sorry about your father, but he wasn’t the saint you wish he was. Live your life. Good luck.