Feeling different about my parent's divorce now as an adult....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't outright resent her but she was wrong to complain about those things to you.

Wtf? At some point in time a parent has to be tell their child the honest truth about their existence and what brought them here.

Was her mother suppose to lie?

The opinion of the mother is not “truth”. If you have never lived this situation then you may not understand. Are you so naive to think that mothers never badmouth fathers and drive a wedge between their kids? There is a whole world of experience out there that would shock you.

Yeah yeah, we all get our kids a therapist to deal with setting boundaries with the delinquent father who keeps letting them down over and over, lying and omitting, gaslighting his own kids. It’s truly sad. They assume they can trust and rely on their parents and suffer from the opposition over and over again until they finally wake up and realize they cannot count on them. Can’t count on the charm story, the false promises, the I’ll do better over and over. Just hope they wake up before they date for marriage and marry the same delinquent profile, since that’s the love they know. The push and pull, the drama, the lies, always being hopeful that next time will be different. The power imbalance of a “parent” and kid, and teen, and young adult. Society tells them their parent knows best, their parent is there for them, so much, that they can’t see their parent is indeed not there for them in any way but an occasional physical presence when convenient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom was a POS. An alcoholic parent is 99% of the time completely overblown and exaggerated. You prove this by showing that he never once abused you.

NP here and child of an alcoholic. Go take your BS somewhere else. Being an alcoholic IS being abusive. STFU.

NP and I get what the PP is saying. Just labeling the dad an “alcoholic” - especially in the context of a divorce - doesn’t necessarily mean he was this terrible person. My dad meets the criteria of an alcoholic but he is incredibly high functioning. Ran marathons. Was the CEO of a company. Got up every day at 630 am and worked. But at the end of the day, starting at 530 or 6 pm, he had to drink. He’d typically drink a dozen beers a night, begin to ramble and go to bed. Never raised his voice, never abused his family. So I’m not sure I’d agree that having an alcoholic father necessarily equals abuse.

Sure. But this scenario also seems far less likely to lead to divorce. I would also say it not modeling appropriate alcohol consumption for kids growing up in that circumstance.

So basically he was nothing but a paycheck. He literally but drink from 6pm onward once home. He gave his best self, his sober self at work, and did nothing at home but drink and sit around. What a role model. Neglect is abuse.

Go hop over to that thread about what it’s like to work at an Amazon warehouse and then reconsider your sanctimony. Some people do not respond perfectly when faced with bad circumstances. They still don’t deserve to be abandoned by their own family or tormented just because of their shortcomings, especially when they are really trying.

Addicts get NO sympathy from me. NONE. I’ve lived with some as a child and teen, had them lie to me, steal from me, embarrass me, berate me, I was forced to do the parent roles like cook, clean, babysit my siblings bc my mother was too drunk to do it. Children of alcoholics suffer trauma every single day, even if their drunk parent is passed out all night. There is not one single excuse that justifies it. Not one.

I don’t care where they work, if they even work at all. No child under any circumstance deserves to live with a drunk for a parent. I lived that life. It was he!! I was very clear with my DH before we got married and before we had children that I would never allow my children to live in a house with an alcoholic parent (him or me) and that I would leave if he ever became one. I am firm on this. I do not drink alcohol at all. People like PP with their soft angles and boo hoo for the drunk have zero idea what it is like.

You are projecting your own trauma onto a stranger that was not described in similar terms. All addicts are not the same and do not deserve to be written off wholesale. These are human beings that are part of your family. They need help.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.

You can’t help someone who is all talk, no effort.

Don’t waste your life. Don’t let addicts bring you down for too long, you won’t return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, lots of projection going on in this thread. From all sides.

OP it's not easy being married to an alcoholic. Not easy having kids with him, not easy sharing kids with him post-divorce. He made his choice and he chose the bottle over his marriage.

Your mom is responsible for the things she did.
Your dad is responsible for the things he did.

You need to forgive, let it go, and move on.

and not marry an addict! Or become an addict. Of any vice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father could have seen you more if he wanted. Your mother did the right thing. Living with a drunk and parents in an unhappy marriage would have been hell.

This.

Your dad sounds like a mess and it was probably smart of your mom to keep full custody with visitation.

Also, it’s hard to know what actually happened when she tried to get you guys to get your dad to pay more. Was it, “mom, I want horse back riding lessons?” And she said, “I can’t afford that, but you could ask your father”? That’s more acceptable tha some other scenarios I can imagine.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't outright resent her but she was wrong to complain about those things to you.

I think we have the benefit of 40+ years of, for lack of a better term, divorce culture in knowing it was wrong for her to complain. There is so much advice out there now on the internet, in books etc, about how to handle a divorce most appropriately when there are children involved. OP’s mom probably didn’t have a Parenting - Special Concerns forum to consult on how to do it right. I find that when I am frustrated with how my parents handled things, I sometimes can give them a little more grace when I remember that they didn’t have a world of information literally in their pocket like we do now to help them with things that seem so obvious to me.

Oh yes. She was supposed to divorce him but prop him up as an amazing person and father so the kids what? Believed he was wonderful and for unknown reasons the parents divorced. She had custody and moved to where she had a support network and can afford to raise kids. Do you really think living in squalor so you can see your alcoholic father more, whatever that means, is the solution to it all?

Thank goodness you don’t have anyone with addiction or disorders in your life. It’s hell. Even for adult children.

And in many cases, being near to supportive grandparents is much better for the kids.

[Anonymous]

So many terrible moms in here. Yikes.

OP- I feel terrible that you missed out on a relationship with your father. I hope you heal.

[Anonymous]

Wasn't seeing the divorced parent every 2nd weekend kind of a norm back then?

Also, OP, if he drank himself to death by your early 20s then his alcoholism was probably getting worse during your teenage years. He did not drink more because he saw less of you, but rather he saw less of you because he drank more. Alcoholics always find excuses for what 'makes them drink' - the kids are loud, the boss is an a*hole, the wife looked at them in a mean way etc etc. In the end, they only drink because they're alcoholics. If it's not one excuse, then it's another.

Props for your dad for never showing up drunk on those times he did spend with you. That is more than most alcoholics can or care to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wasn't seeing the divorced parent every 2nd weekend kind of a norm back then?

Also, OP, if he drank himself to death by your early 20s then his alcoholism was probably getting worse during your teenage years. He did not drink more because he saw less of you, but rather he saw less of you because he drank more. Alcoholics always find excuses for what 'makes them drink' - the kids are loud, the boss is an a*hole, the wife looked at them in a mean way etc etc. In the end, they only drink because they're alcoholics. If it's not one excuse, then it's another.

Props for your dad for never showing up drunk on those times he did spend with you. That is more than most alcoholics can or care to manage.

So you know the guy personally then? Otherwise you’re just assuming. Many alcoholics get clean for years and then relapse after trauma or life setbacks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many terrible moms in here. Yikes.

OP- I feel terrible that you missed out on a relationship with your father. I hope you heal.

Hey drunk parenting apologist - you are pathetic.

[Anonymous]

I do not understand this "need" to constantly blame someone for something and fuel some resentment for what "could have been."

Why are you inventing some victim narrative here, op? What drives you to live in the past instead of moving on and growing up? You will not grow as a person until you let your brain think like an adult and not be stuck in some repetitive childhood patterns.
Or said planning, why are you dwelling on the past?

[Anonymous]

So you resent your mom but not your dad? Are you for real?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't outright resent her but she was wrong to complain about those things to you.

Wtf? At some point in time a parent has to be tell their child the honest truth about their existence and what brought them here.

Was her mother suppose to lie?

There's a difference between telling the truth and using your child as a vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, lots of projection going on in this thread. From all sides.

OP it's not easy being married to an alcoholic. Not easy having kids with him, not easy sharing kids with him post-divorce. He made his choice and he chose the bottle over his marriage.

Your mom is responsible for the things she did.
Your dad is responsible for the things he did.

You need to forgive, let it go, and move on.

and not marry an addict! Or become an addict. Of any vice!

Yes, because people never change for the worse after you marry them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 6 years old, my mother divorced my father because he had a drinking problem. She was a stay at home mom and left with my siblings and I to live with her parents in a small town 2 hours away from the city we lived in. When the divorce was finalized, my mother was able to stay in her childhood town with us, and my father had to stay in the city 2 hours away for his job. He did not have any work opportunities in the small town. We saw him every other weekend, 1 week over the summer, and at other random times when he'd visit us in the small town for school events and sport tournaments. He was a good father and many of my favorite childhood memories are with him. He stopped drinking after the divorce, and tried hard to continue to be a part of our lives. As far as I know, he never drank or was drunk around us kids. I know he struggled with depression, and as we got older and couldn't see him as much due to school and sport obligations, he started drinking again.

Up until now, I always supported what my mother did. She told me at the time of the divorce that he was an alcoholic and that is why we left him. She has always complained about how much hell he put her through during the divorce. He tried so hard to stop her from moving away with us, and she said he did it because he was just trying to control her and didn't want to pay as much in child support. As we got older, she also encouraged us to try and get him to pay for as much as possible on top of the child support. Looking back, I can now see how anxious this made me and how much she damaged my relationship with him.

I'm now in my early 30s and I'm starting to resent her for taking us away from him. I don't blame her for leaving him, but if we had stayed in the city, we would have seen him so much more, especially as we got older and school and sports took so much of our time. He never remarried, and for the longest time I think he had hopes that he and my mother would get back together. When I was in high school, he started drinking pretty heavily again and he died from cirrhosis in my early 20's. I gave him a hard time, even when I knew he was probably getting close to the end. I guess I have just been missing him a lot lately, and it's like all of a sudden I can see and understand his side of things. I just want to tell him that I see now how much he struggled and that I love him and don't blame him. I feel so guilty about how I handled his final years, I know he was depressed and that in the end he stopped taking his meds and just gave up and let himself die.

I don't blame my mom for my dad's drinking problem, and again I understand why she divorced him and I am not upset about that. I also know that he was far from the perfect parent. I guess I am just wondering if my newfound resentment of my mother is warranted, or do you guys think she did what she had to do?

No, I don't think your newfound resentment of your mother is warranted. She did the best thing for you and I'm sure that was not easy. You say you don't blame your mom for your dad's drinking, and yet you blame her for having to leave him for his drinking. How unfair to your mother.

My father was also an alcoholic. I have found myself missing him and admiring him more and more as the years go by. He died more than half my lifetime ago. I think that's healthy and normal. Having to be mad at your mom so you can love your dad is not healthy. You can love them both.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your mom did the responsible thing.

Grow up.