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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, and you guys are right, it was a hard time and my mom did the best she could. She needed the support of my grandparents and the lower cost of living. It was just the anniversary of my dad's death and I was having a bad day. I'll look into grief therapy. It's been 9 years and usually I'm fine, but sometimes the memories and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have talked to my mom about the divorce in the past and she did try really hard to convince my dad to get help before she decided to leave him. Like I said in the OP, I completely understand why she divorced him and do not blame her in any way for doing that. I just wish my dad could have somehow been a part of our lives more on a day to day basis. As some here have said though, he probably could have put forth more of an effort. He had a lot of issues and unfortunately he never got the proper help for his disease.

Thank you for everyone's comments. Many of you did put things into perspective.   [/quote]

I can empathize with where you are so much, because my family history is very similar to yours.  My grief about my father’s death (he died of cirrhosis when I was 22) was very complicated.  Part of me was so angry that I would never get to have the relationship I wanted with him because he died so young, and I blamed a lot of people for that, including my mother and myself.  (There was also a part of me that was relieved when he died, but maybe that’s another conversation).  It took me a long time and some therapy to accept that I never would have had the relationship I wanted with him even if he hadn’t died because of his alcoholism.  He would never have walked me down the aisle at my wedding and would never have been a doting grandfather to my children because he was not capable of being that person, no matter what I or my mother or anyone else did.  That was a very hard thing to accept, but brought me a lot of peace when I did.

None of this means your mother didn’t make mistakes.  We all do and I’m sure she is no exception.  But you may find it easier to forgive those mistakes when you are able to accept that she did not take your father from you.  His addiction did that, not her.

I cannot speak to your mother’s role in this because I don’t j ow enough.  All I can tell you is that it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that, no matter what I or my mother had done, I would never have had the relationship I wanted [/quote]

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