Feeling different about my parent's divorce now as an adult....

[Anonymous]

OP--- I don't think you have the full story. Have you spoken to your mother about why she moved away? My guess is that she needed support from her family to help raise you. Your dad was an alcoholic. Would you want your kids exposed to that? i believe you should give your mom the benefit of the doubt. She was in a very stinky situation. It's not like she just divorced your dad for philandering or because they couldn't get along. Your dad had an addiction problem. That is a much different situation. I wouldn't blame your mom for what happened. The blame really falls with your dad. He didn't get the help he needed, even after his kids were taken away. Your mom did the best she could with what she had. You need to have a discussion with your mom to find out what really went down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not understand this "need" to constantly blame someone for something and fuel some resentment for what "could have been."

Why are you inventing some victim narrative here, op? What drives you to live in the past instead of moving on and growing up? You will not grow as a person until you let your brain think like an adult and not be stuck in some repetitive childhood patterns.
Or said planning, why are you dwelling on the past?

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't outright resent her but she was wrong to complain about those things to you.

Wtf? At some point in time a parent has to be tell their child the honest truth about their existence and what brought them here.

Was her mother suppose to lie?

The opinion of the mother is not “truth”. If you have never lived this situation then you may not understand. Are you so naive to think that mothers never badmouth fathers and drive a wedge between their kids? There is a whole world of experience out there that would shock you.

The psychological gas lighting that women experience is amazing.

And I really hope you're not a woman with your nasty comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't outright resent her but she was wrong to complain about those things to you.

Wtf? At some point in time a parent has to be tell their child the honest truth about their existence and what brought them here.

Was her mother suppose to lie?

The opinion of the mother is not “truth”. If you have never lived this situation then you may not understand. Are you so naive to think that mothers never badmouth fathers and drive a wedge between their kids? There is a whole world of experience out there that would shock you.

The psychological gas lighting that women experience is amazing.

And I really hope you're not a woman with your nasty comment.

That PP sounds like Sad Dad. There are fathers' rights groups out there that are meant for men like him. Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

So your mom, who was a SAHM, removed you from living with an alcoholic and moved you to a place where you and she would have family support and you blame her.

Yikes. Maybe some therapy will help you see some appreciation and compassion for your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--- I don't think you have the full story. Have you spoken to your mother about why she moved away? My guess is that she needed support from her family to help raise you. Your dad was an alcoholic. Would you want your kids exposed to that? i believe you should give your mom the benefit of the doubt. She was in a very stinky situation. It's not like she just divorced your dad for philandering or because they couldn't get along. Your dad had an addiction problem. That is a much different situation. I wouldn't blame your mom for what happened. The blame really falls with your dad. He didn't get the help he needed, even after his kids were taken away. Your mom did the best she could with what she had. You need to have a discussion with your mom to find out what really went down.

This is very well stated.

[Anonymous]

You have the right to your feelings, but you're looking at it from a child's lens who feels like something was taken from her. Put yourself in your mother's shoes with an abusive husband. Cuz yes, alcoholism is a form of abuse for those having to live with someone who has it?. My grandpa was never physically violent but he was a mad and mean drunk. He didn't do anything to help around the house 98% of the time and the kids and grandma were constantly worried about where he was and if he had died.
My mom wishes her mom would have left her dad because that family was so dysfunctional and it revolved around his alcoholism.

You are creating a fairy tale of what could have been had you been able to stay in contact with your dad but he could have reached out to you at any point and didn't which I think says far more than your mother trying to give you a healthy childhood.

[Anonymous]

The alcoholic negligent abusive “father” got stolen from her? By the court system and a victim mother.

Do you have any therapist friends Op?
Ask them how big their case load is of children or adults still dealing with alcoholic dysfunctional “fathers” who have supervised custody time with said kids and what the main issues are.

Btw, did you know you have to PAY for the supervisors travel time and hourly time for supervised visitation of defunct “fathers?”

Anyhow, your issue is manufacture and you’re having some Daddy Issues and taking them out on the functional parent.

And if you think for one minute that had alcoholic daddy had more visitation time with you as a child he wouldn’t have gotten so bad— wake up! Go with with DV victims or go to AA mtgs. There is no fantasy like that there, stop blaming your mom or yourself or some concocted custody blame that would have saved your father from his bad vices and habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father could have seen you more if he wanted. Your mother did the right thing. Living with a drunk and parents in an unhappy marriage would have been hell.

This.

You need therapy.

It’s a huge leap to blame your mom.

People get especially upset at the death of a terrible parent because they think if they just lived longer you would have had the chance at some fairy tale relationship. But it’s a lie you tell yourself.

Another vote for this perspective.

I think you are reviewing what happened (except for the money part, which was not ok) through some rose-colored what could have been. And lbh, it probably would not have been. Grief counseling can help you work through your feelings. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP's mom is just horrible.

yo
there you are again, the alcoholic apologist troll. Everyone can tell it's you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't outright resent her but she was wrong to complain about those things to you.

Wtf? At some point in time a parent has to be tell their child the honest truth about their existence and what brought them here.

Was her mother suppose to lie?

There's a difference between telling the truth and using your child as a vent.

There was no venting. No one said there was any ingoing or sustained venting to the child for years and years.

She filed for divorce, the courts gave her custody, she moved closer to family and lower cost of living and raised the child. The ex died of alcohol poisoning or affiliated accident thereafter.

Nothing to vent about. Except don’t date or marry or have kids with alcoholics.

[Anonymous]

My mom divorced my dad and moved us kids 2 hours away to a small town with no work opportunities.

Know what he did? Moved there and created his own work opportunities. Completely changed careers and started a business, because being with his kids was THAT important to him.

I did the same thing when I divorced my H. Stuck in a small town with no work opportunities, so I went back to school and switched careers.

Your dad was perfectly capable of doing the same, and in fact it is what GOOD parents do. Every father I’ve known who claimed they couldn’t see their kids because of “work” made a personal choice to prioritize a particular job above their children, simply because the job is more fun than taking care of kids.

This is not on your mom. For sure, you need to grieve and address the fact that your father simply did not care enough. But it’s 100% on him, not your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't outright resent her but she was wrong to complain about those things to you.

Wtf? At some point in time a parent has to be tell their child the honest truth about their existence and what brought them here.

Was her mother suppose to lie?

The opinion of the mother is not “truth”. If you have never lived this situation then you may not understand. Are you so naive to think that mothers never badmouth fathers and drive a wedge between their kids? There is a whole world of experience out there that would shock you.

The psychological gas lighting that women experience is amazing.

And I really hope you're not a woman with your nasty comment.

Taking the blond word of either party in a divorce is just ignorant. Gaslighting my ass.

[Anonymous]

OP definitely needs some therapy and perhaps her mom should have handled things differently, but to place all of the blame on her mom when it is obvious her dad was the true failure here is just bonkers.
He can make up a million excuses as to why he couldn't see his own kid, but you know what? That is HIM. not the mom.
Did he go to treatment and become sober? no
Did he move to be closer to the kids? no
Did he attempt to spend weekends/holidays? no
Did he send gifts or cards? no
Did he show up for anything at all? no

OP can idolize her dad and think they would have had a splendid relationship if her mom hadn't ruined it. Reality is, Dad woudl have bailed more times than he showed up. Likely would show up drunk and hopefully this wouldn't happen, but perhaps drive the kids drunk. No way mom should risk any of that.

[Anonymous]

Stop mourning a relationship you were never going to have with your dad and start appreciating the one that you had with your mom.