Reply to SIL emotionally dependent on our family

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "SIL emotionally dependent on our family"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]We have no idea if OP is a selfish nightmare or if the sister-in-law is an entitled jerk.

When did this pattern of her visiting start? When it started were you fine with it? When did that change? Other than occupying the sofa bed and taking up physical space in your home, is she a good guest? Is she polite, helpful and appreciative or does she spend the whole visit complaining? What is her relationship like with your kids? Does she engage with them and act as another positive adult influence in their lives or does she only like to play fun auntie briefly for a few selfies and then ignore them the rest of the visit?  What is your relationship like with her outside of as a houseguest? Do you or your husband talk to her or check in with her when she’s not staying with you? When was the last time you guys went and visited her in her home?

I agree that nobody is obligated to spend holidays in a particular way, but Thanksgiving and Christmas are both big family holidays that mean a lot to some people. And it sounds like in previous years you would’ve been absolutely fine hosting her For one or both of those big holidays.  You may choose to see her visiting so often and staying on your couch as being “emotionally dependent on your family“ but she may just as easily view it as her putting in the work to build a relationship with her nieces and nephews and with her brother and his wife. How else is she supposed to connect with you all if she lives in a condo and doesn’t have room to comfortably host you/doesn’t want to put the burden of buying plane tickets for your family on you?

In short, it’s very obvious that you dislike her as a person and find her annoying, but that’s not the same thing as saying that she’s a bad sister, Aunt, or houseguest.

If she has been a good sister, aunt and houseguest over the years, and you were suddenly pulling the rug out on her ability to see your family over these two major holidays when that has been part of her routine for years now, that definitely feels pretty abrupt and inconsiderate.

It also sounds like your family is pretty passive aggressive in terms of the fact that you and your husband have apparently discussed at length with one another the fact that this arrangement no longer works for you, but the first she is hearing of it is when you are announcing a change to your routine for these two major holidays. Why could you not have told her the first time you noticed that it was getting on your nerves to have a houseguest that she was welcome to visit but you’d prefer she get a hotel because you’d like more privacy/ alone time in your home now that you are working from a home office? why could you not have had a conversation a year ago about how you’d like to limit visits to X number of times a year?

In short, you are welcome to handle this exactly as you are doing it, but a lot of us are telling you that it is very easy to look at this behavior as hurtful, and your examples of the things she has done to hurt you are pretty limited. Mostly it just sounds like you don’t like her, which is fine, but it doesn’t mean she is the problem. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics