Teenage daughter troubles

[Anonymous]

Men who think the mom should do 100% of the work raising their children but also think THEY are equals as parents are idiots. One parent is doing the work of parenting -- the other is not. Of course the one doing the parenting gets to call the shots. But no, the one only cutting the check from a distance thinks it's fine to tell the other parent how to run their household, demand contact on their schedule and then say it's "brainwashing and turning the child against the father" if the one doing the parenting gets to decide when it makes sense to have contact in the actual, real-life household in which the child lives and is being cared for in real life by the actual parent (i.e., not egg or sperm donor).

Unreal. I don't see anywhere in the OP's posts that the mom turned his DD against him. She was just struggling to raise her kid.

OP you should say "Thank you for raising our daughter on your own. I admire you and appreciate what you've done. I know it must have been hard and I sure as hell couldn't have done it." See if that gets you somewhere instead of complaining about how you didn't get to talk to your DD when YOU wanted to, from the other side of the planet, and now she's not interested in you. Boo hoo hoo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Why would he be thankful? He wanted to raise his daughter.

OP here I didn't initiate the divorce. When she met me she knew I was a soldier and would eventually return. She was married to a soldier before me. We met when she was 23 and had our daughter when she was 25. She said she didn't want to leave her family and wanted me to remain in Europe. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am heartbroken yes.
I will pay the money but no longer to her mother.

Call it war time stupidity. I returned from war and she was waiting for me. Lost many of my soldiers. It was a bad time. Now when k look back yes the writing was on the wall.


You got a foreign 23 yr old outside the US, who had already been married and divorced to a US soldier once, pregnant and married her. Sounds like soldiers used her just like she used them. Not to rub salt in the wound, but really dumb decision to get involved with her and it should have been obvious. It is totally unrealistic of you to have expected some normal US custody/visitation situation or a normal father/daughter relationship- your situation just isn’t that.

There are service members’ (and CIA, etc.) babies all over the world that don’t even know their fathers. Common.

But you have to come to terms with your situation is vastly different than if you divorced your pregnant American wife in Virginia. It isn’t the same and you can’t expect the same outcome.

Exactly it is well known that local women prey on service members. You guys are a guaranteed check for them and as you said for 27 years. Move on your daughter sucks. Sounds just as greedy as her mom and will probably grow up to prey on a man and use him as a cash line

They both used each other. It is what it is. Don’t blame her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Why would he be thankful? He wanted to raise his daughter.

OP here I didn't initiate the divorce. When she met me she knew I was a soldier and would eventually return. She was married to a soldier before me. We met when she was 23 and had our daughter when she was 25. She said she didn't want to leave her family and wanted me to remain in Europe. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am heartbroken yes.
I will pay the money but no longer to her mother.

Call it war time stupidity. I returned from war and she was waiting for me. Lost many of my soldiers. It was a bad time. Now when k look back yes the writing was on the wall.


You got a foreign 23 yr old outside the US, who had already been married and divorced to a US soldier once, pregnant and married her. Sounds like soldiers used her just like she used them. Not to rub salt in the wound, but really dumb decision to get involved with her and it should have been obvious. It is totally unrealistic of you to have expected some normal US custody/visitation situation or a normal father/daughter relationship- your situation just isn’t that.

There are service members’ (and CIA, etc.) babies all over the world that don’t even know their fathers. Common.

But you have to come to terms with your situation is vastly different than if you divorced your pregnant American wife in Virginia. It isn’t the same and you can’t expect the same outcome.

Exactly it is well known that local women prey on service members. You guys are a guaranteed check for them and as you said for 27 years. Move on your daughter sucks. Sounds just as greedy as her mom and will probably grow up to prey on a man and use him as a cash line

They both used each other. It is what it is. Don’t blame her.

It is well known that military men get trapped. I work with an non profit helping men get custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men who think the mom should do 100% of the work raising their children but also think THEY are equals as parents are idiots. One parent is doing the work of parenting -- the other is not. Of course the one doing the parenting gets to call the shots. But no, the one only cutting the check from a distance thinks it's fine to tell the other parent how to run their household, demand contact on their schedule and then say it's "brainwashing and turning the child against the father" if the one doing the parenting gets to decide when it makes sense to have contact in the actual, real-life household in which the child lives and is being cared for in real life by the actual parent (i.e., not egg or sperm donor).

Unreal. I don't see anywhere in the OP's posts that the mom turned his DD against him. She was just struggling to raise her kid.

OP you should say "Thank you for raising our daughter on your own. I admire you and appreciate what you've done. I know it must have been hard and I sure as hell couldn't have done it." See if that gets you somewhere instead of complaining about how you didn't get to talk to your DD when YOU wanted to, from the other side of the planet, and now she's not interested in you. Boo hoo hoo.

Thank you for what?! Stop projecting.
If I read correctly the ex wife didn't want to move here. So what was he to do?

[Anonymous]

I would let her know that it’s hurtful that she doesn’t call or contact you, but otherwise wouldn’t lay down too much of a guilt trip. Teenagers are selfish. Instead let natural consequences happen and just say no more often to her money requests if that’s the only reason she calls you.

As for paying support, what is she doing as an 18 year old? Going to college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men who think the mom should do 100% of the work raising their children but also think THEY are equals as parents are idiots. One parent is doing the work of parenting -- the other is not. Of course the one doing the parenting gets to call the shots. But no, the one only cutting the check from a distance thinks it's fine to tell the other parent how to run their household, demand contact on their schedule and then say it's "brainwashing and turning the child against the father" if the one doing the parenting gets to decide when it makes sense to have contact in the actual, real-life household in which the child lives and is being cared for in real life by the actual parent (i.e., not egg or sperm donor).

Unreal. I don't see anywhere in the OP's posts that the mom turned his DD against him. She was just struggling to raise her kid.

OP you should say "Thank you for raising our daughter on your own. I admire you and appreciate what you've done. I know it must have been hard and I sure as hell couldn't have done it." See if that gets you somewhere instead of complaining about how you didn't get to talk to your DD when YOU wanted to, from the other side of the planet, and now she's not interested in you. Boo hoo hoo.

Thank you for what?! Stop projecting.
If I read correctly the ex wife didn't want to move here. So what was he to do?

He got himself into that mess. I would never move away from my kids, not for all the money in the world. Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let her know that it’s hurtful that she doesn’t call or contact you, but otherwise wouldn’t lay down too much of a guilt trip. Teenagers are selfish. Instead let natural consequences happen and just say no more often to her money requests if that’s the only reason she calls you.

As for paying support, what is she doing as an 18 year old? Going to college?

I am have to pay till she is 27. She lives in Germany and high school ends at 19.
I sent the support to my daughter directly and it triggered the mom. My daughter stopped talking to me two weeks prior because I called her out for not messaging.
The only message I got from my daughter was after her mom sent me a threatening email about child support needing to go to her and not my daughter. I daughter said she was not in a good mood to speak to me and wanted time alone and how the money needs to go to her mom and not her as she will be living at home. After 18 child support has to be split between two parents there and goes to the child directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men who think the mom should do 100% of the work raising their children but also think THEY are equals as parents are idiots. One parent is doing the work of parenting -- the other is not. Of course the one doing the parenting gets to call the shots. But no, the one only cutting the check from a distance thinks it's fine to tell the other parent how to run their household, demand contact on their schedule and then say it's "brainwashing and turning the child against the father" if the one doing the parenting gets to decide when it makes sense to have contact in the actual, real-life household in which the child lives and is being cared for in real life by the actual parent (i.e., not egg or sperm donor).

Unreal. I don't see anywhere in the OP's posts that the mom turned his DD against him. She was just struggling to raise her kid.

OP you should say "Thank you for raising our daughter on your own. I admire you and appreciate what you've done. I know it must have been hard and I sure as hell couldn't have done it." See if that gets you somewhere instead of complaining about how you didn't get to talk to your DD when YOU wanted to, from the other side of the planet, and now she's not interested in you. Boo hoo hoo.

Thank you for what?! Stop projecting.
If I read correctly the ex wife didn't want to move here. So what was he to do?

He got himself into that mess. I would never move away from my kids, not for all the money in the world. Never.

You're not reading correctly. OPs wife said she would move to the US then changed her mind. Do you know any military wives? Many are from foreign lands and DO move to the U.S. and start a life here. I'm sure this is what OP thought it would happen to his "family".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let her know that it’s hurtful that she doesn’t call or contact you, but otherwise wouldn’t lay down too much of a guilt trip. Teenagers are selfish. Instead let natural consequences happen and just say no more often to her money requests if that’s the only reason she calls you.

As for paying support, what is she doing as an 18 year old? Going to college?

I am have to pay till she is 27. She lives in Germany and high school ends at 19.
I sent the support to my daughter directly and it triggered the mom. My daughter stopped talking to me two weeks prior because I called her out for not messaging.
The only message I got from my daughter was after her mom sent me a threatening email about child support needing to go to her and not my daughter. I daughter said she was not in a good mood to speak to me and wanted time alone and how the money needs to go to her mom and not her as she will be living at home. After 18 child support has to be split between two parents there and goes to the child directly.

But you're not in Germany. I'm confused why you feel obligated to do the German way.

Paying until 27 is crazy!

How about mom follows the U.S. way and be done by 18?

[Anonymous]

Stop all payments stat. Only give a trickle of money conditionally. You have nothing to lose and this is no relationship.

[Anonymous]

Ask for a DNA test.cut off all relations with the mother daughter duo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let her know that it’s hurtful that she doesn’t call or contact you, but otherwise wouldn’t lay down too much of a guilt trip. Teenagers are selfish. Instead let natural consequences happen and just say no more often to her money requests if that’s the only reason she calls you.

As for paying support, what is she doing as an 18 year old? Going to college?

I am have to pay till she is 27. She lives in Germany and high school ends at 19.
I sent the support to my daughter directly and it triggered the mom. My daughter stopped talking to me two weeks prior because I called her out for not messaging.
The only message I got from my daughter was after her mom sent me a threatening email about child support needing to go to her and not my daughter. I daughter said she was not in a good mood to speak to me and wanted time alone and how the money needs to go to her mom and not her as she will be living at home. After 18 child support has to be split between two parents there and goes to the child directly.

But you're not in Germany. I'm confused why you feel obligated to do the German way.

Paying until 27 is crazy!

How about mom follows the U.S. way and be done by 18?[


As my daughter is in Germany. German laws apply. I reduced the amount but she is threatening to contact the military, the attorney General, the press involved which to me seems absurd.

[Anonymous]

You have to let the past go. Whatever the mother and daughter did, said it acted like is not relevant right now. If you are legally obligated to pay child support, then do so. I am unsure it is “legal” since you are saying you stopped paying the mother and paying the child directly. That isn’t how it works… Your daughter is 18 so you do not need to contact the mother anymore. Let your daughter know how you feel. Be honest. Then let her know that she can reach out to you whenever she sees fits and leave every possible contact information you have. Do not reach out to her. She comes around, great., she doesn’t, accept it. At the end of the day, she is an adult, she is a human and capable of making her own decisions and choices with who she wants in her life and in what capacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let her know that it’s hurtful that she doesn’t call or contact you, but otherwise wouldn’t lay down too much of a guilt trip. Teenagers are selfish. Instead let natural consequences happen and just say no more often to her money requests if that’s the only reason she calls you.

As for paying support, what is she doing as an 18 year old? Going to college?

I am have to pay till she is 27. She lives in Germany and high school ends at 19.
I sent the support to my daughter directly and it triggered the mom. My daughter stopped talking to me two weeks prior because I called her out for not messaging.
The only message I got from my daughter was after her mom sent me a threatening email about child support needing to go to her and not my daughter. I daughter said she was not in a good mood to speak to me and wanted time alone and how the money needs to go to her mom and not her as she will be living at home. After 18 child support has to be split between two parents there and goes to the child directly.

But you're not in Germany. I'm confused why you feel obligated to do the German way.

Paying until 27 is crazy!

How about mom follows the U.S. way and be done by 18?[


As my daughter is in Germany. German laws apply. I reduced the amount but she is threatening to contact the military, the attorney General, the press involved which to me seems absurd.

As for your relationship with your daughter it's probably not going to get better, given distance, language, culture, wants/needs, etc.

As far as "child" support you need to consult a lawyer (expert in foreign child support) not DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Is there any way you can get counseled by an international or German lawyer?

The DD asking you to please send the money to her mom sounds shady, and like she's a cash cow for the mom and is under pressure.