New boyfriend loves this comedy routine- red flag? Or am I overthinking?

[Anonymous]

I had a BF in my 40s who was so sweet, kind loving and respectful, I totally fell in love with that guy! There were some minor red flags along the way, I had been married a long time before my divorce and he was my second BF after my divorce, I thought I knew men at my age. I discovered that I didn't "know men" I knew one man, my ex, and was learning about other men. Our three year relationship ended with him showing me what he was really like. It was quite painful by then. I did learn a lot from that relationship though. Good luck with yours.

[Anonymous]

That would be a no for me. Not that he laughed. That he admitted to thinking like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Goodness gracious. So many people who don't understand comedy and role of comedians.

We understand it fine. The routine is not the problem. The problem is the boyfriend's explanation afterward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He talks a lot about "old pu**y" (e.g., women over 40 years old), and how every man thinks about killing his wife to get her to shut up, etc.

However, we were talking afterwards and bf said that's how men really think and they don't want women to know, and he could relate to a lot of it.

"Tell me about relating to thoughts of killing your wife"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a BF in my 40s who was so sweet, kind loving and respectful, I totally fell in love with that guy! There were some minor red flags along the way, I had been married a long time before my divorce and he was my second BF after my divorce, I thought I knew men at my age. I discovered that I didn't "know men" I knew one man, my ex, and was learning about other men. Our three year relationship ended with him showing me what he was really like. It was quite painful by then. I did learn a lot from that relationship though. Good luck with yours.

NP; can you elaborate? I am in a similar situation and trying to manage next steps. If you're comfortable sharing, what was the dealbreaker(s)?

[Anonymous]

He’s telling you who he is. Get out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: When I talk to him, I was going to use the analogy of us watching a female comedian who said that all men are dogs and worthless pieces of crap and that women only like them for their money. And that we both laughed and that afterward, I said that I secretly agreed with much of that but it's not appropriate to say in real life, and how would he feel?

Do you think this is a decent analogy?

I say just dump him now. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He talks a lot about "old pu**y" (e.g., women over 40 years old), and how every man thinks about killing his wife to get her to shut up, etc.

However, we were talking afterwards and bf said that's how men really think and they don't want women to know, and he could relate to a lot of it.

"Tell me about relating to thoughts of killing your wife"

Did you miss the part that it was a comedy sketch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: When I talk to him, I was going to use the analogy of us watching a female comedian who said that all men are dogs and worthless pieces of crap and that women only like them for their money. And that we both laughed and that afterward, I said that I secretly agreed with much of that but it's not appropriate to say in real life, and how would he feel?

Do you think this is a decent analogy?

Do you have a therapist to discuss this relationship with? You seem so tentative and insecure about how to talk about this. Which makes me think there may be even more red flags here.

My husband and I don’t agree on all comedy. We are going to see Hannah Gadsby soon who tells some hard truths about toxic masculinity. That doesn’t mean I secretly relate to wanting to stab my husband. My husband and I can discuss her comedy like adults. He joked that “he needs to be ready to be really uncomfortable during the show as a white male.” I rolled my eyes and joked back “it will be good for you. It might give you some insight into how hard it would be to be a black woman that shows up at all these networking events you attend that are 99% old white dudes.” He chuckled wryly, because he knows there is some truth to what I said. I didn’t need to consult with a board on how to handle this with my hsuband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: When I talk to him, I was going to use the analogy of us watching a female comedian who said that all men are dogs and worthless pieces of crap and that women only like them for their money. And that we both laughed and that afterward, I said that I secretly agreed with much of that but it's not appropriate to say in real life, and how would he feel?

Do you think this is a decent analogy?

What's the point? How do you think this conversation is going to go? You know the answer, OP. Thats why you posted here, hoping we'd tell you it's no big deal. But it's actually a huge red flag, possibly indicating an abuser looking for his next victim. Your gut feeling is correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a BF in my 40s who was so sweet, kind loving and respectful, I totally fell in love with that guy! There were some minor red flags along the way, I had been married a long time before my divorce and he was my second BF after my divorce, I thought I knew men at my age. I discovered that I didn't "know men" I knew one man, my ex, and was learning about other men. Our three year relationship ended with him showing me what he was really like. It was quite painful by then. I did learn a lot from that relationship though. Good luck with yours.

NP; can you elaborate? I am in a similar situation and trying to manage next steps. If you're comfortable sharing, what was the dealbreaker(s)?

He had his own baggage as you might imagine but I loved him so much I tolerated his ups and downs and occasional comments that gave me pause, like for instance "I'm not sure I am ready to be in a committed relationship" which of course inspired an in depth conversation and ended with him saying "i don't know why I said that, I totally love you want want to be with you." After two years he asked me to move in to his house which I did, thinking this represented a firm commitment to the relationship from him. I was not looking for another marriage so that wasn't an issue. I just wanted a nice life with him. I thought that's what he wanted. It ended when he got involved with a woman at work who came on to him (others reported that to me later) and after a few months he told me about her and said he wanted me to move out, which I did. Later he reversed himself and said he didn't know why he did that, blah blah blah. I did not get back together with him, in fact cut off communication but it was quite painful. He never stopped treating me very well, we had great sex several times a week right up until he revealed the other relationship. So you get the idea. I don't know if your situation has any real similarities but I posted just to show that some people who seem perfect can turn out to be highly imperfect. I guess looking back I shouldn't have moved in and should have been more attentive to the red flags. I might have saved myself some heartache. Or maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Trust your instincts, OP. I'm not PC and think this is a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: When I talk to him, I was going to use the analogy of us watching a female comedian who said that all men are dogs and worthless pieces of crap and that women only like them for their money. And that we both laughed and that afterward, I said that I secretly agreed with much of that but it's not appropriate to say in real life, and how would he feel?

Do you think this is a decent analogy?

I think your analogy is fine, but if you get to the point in the conversation where you have to explain by analogy why you're concerned then it's probably too late anyway. I'd go with a simple hey - I was thinking about that comedy special we watched the other day & how you said you relate to a lot of what he was saying. Obviously there was a lot of crazy stuff being said in that special, I'm going to need a little more detail on what, specifically, you relate to. If he says anything other than Oh no, I wasn't being serious, I don't think like that, that's crazy or No no, I don't think that way, but I sadly know a lot of guys who do, then I think you've confirmed what you already suspect and yeah, maybe time to either move on or proceed with serious caution.

[Anonymous]

OP, only you can really know what he's like in all situations, but for me this is a definite yellow flag. Especially at 41, in this moment, to think this is funny and relatable.

Its one thing to assert that all [straight] men look at attractive women and think about having sex with them. Stop the presses. What this comedian is saying is different. It's that women are *only* valuable for their sexual availability and only before age 30 (!??) and after that deserve to be treated like trash--thrown out, killed, whatever. Finding that relatable is, to me, trouble. I dont think I could relate to a person who related to that.

If you stay together, Id really start to see how he talks about other women--whether movie characters or in real life--and ask yourself, does he respect women in generl? Do you respect him?

I had a bad boyfriend once who used to say really terrible things about overweight people (women really), like calling someone a fat cow. I realize it was steeped in misogyny and other issues; it made me really uncomfortable (and I got the message that i would be shamed if I gained weight) but I was young and insecure and didn't listen to my gut and break up asap. I just sort of said that's terrible, dont say that. I should have broken up asap because he turned out to be an emotionally stunted douchebag who wasted a couple years of my life.

[Anonymous]

If you’re asking on this forum, just break up. I don’t think the issue is him or the comedy sketch.