New boyfriend loves this comedy routine- red flag? Or am I overthinking?

[Anonymous]

New boyfriend of 3 months and I watched a comedy routine last night. We're both 41yo. The comedy routine was Patrice O'Neil from 2011 and the comedian has admitted in interviews he's a misogynist. He talks a lot about "old pu**y" (e.g., women over 40 years old), and how every man thinks about killing his wife to get her to shut up, etc. He also talks about how men are like fishermen and just want to catch a fish (a woman), show it off to his friends, and then toss it back into the sea immediately.

We were both laughing. Obviously it's meant to be provocative. However, we were talking afterwards and bf said that's how men really think and they don't want women to know, and he could relate to a lot of it.

I laughed it off but now I'm thinking more about it. Does he really hold those disrespectful views toward women? I have not seen any evidence of that in real life, but it gave me pause. Is this a red flag, or am I overthinking it?

[Anonymous]

Why continue to date such an idiot? Where do some of you find these guys? I listened to a lot of Patrice, RIP, on podcasts and can’t imagine my DH or anyone I’ve ever fallen for responding in that way.

Your BF is messed up. What if he laughed a little too much about harmful negative stereotypes and then told you when you both stopped picking, it’s true though. Or a routine about SN kids, like misinterpreting an old Robin Harris routine, and said yeah I’d have to abandon a messed-up offspring.

He’s explained who he is. Do with that what you will.

[Anonymous]

Killing women to get them to shut up?

I mean, do you really have to ask the question?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I would be out. Major turn off, to say the least.

[Anonymous]

Patrice O’Neil died years ago.

And no I wouldn’t dump someone over a comedy sketch that they didn’t even make. What the eff? Are you 12?

Some of you will be single forever.

[Anonymous]

You are definitely overreacting.

It's a comedy routine.

Break up him if you want, but then please go get therapy, because you are obviously looking for a reason to sabotage this relationship, and I suspect this is a pattern for you.

[Anonymous]

Gross

I’d be out. No, men do not think about women that way — at least good guys don’t.

[Anonymous]

The fact he “relates to this” is pretty horrific. It would be one thing if he said “sure, there may be a small kernel of truth to some pieces of this, but a lot of it is totally over the top.” I personally would have turned it off and have expected my husband to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact he “relates to this” is pretty horrific. It would be one thing if he said “sure, there may be a small kernel of truth to some pieces of this, but a lot of it is totally over the top.” I personally would have turned it off and have expected my husband to do the same.

EXACTLY. That is what comedy usually is. Taking a kernel of truth and exploding it. And we all feel that tug of recognition in our souls that our wife talks too much, and puts out too little, and our husbands are pigs and life would be easier if they'd just do as I say, but ... that's why we laugh! Because it is true, we are uncomfortable, and seen.

Sexist humor can be funny. But if you actually live by a sexist moral code - no thank you, good bye.

[Anonymous]

I have a Hugh tolerance for inappropriate humor, but that seems weird that he said he’s thought about that stuff. My husband thought Andrew Dice Clay was funny back in the day, but my DH is a perfect gentleman and kind, sweet, funny, generous, etc. So I’d worry more about how he treats you and other people, but yeah it’s a red flag.

[Anonymous]

I'd hope the fact that he relates to it would be followed up with how internalized his raging misogyny is, and now that he realizes how deep and out of control it goes, he's going to work on it.

[Anonymous]

You have different senses of humor. Let him enjoy his comedy and you can watch the Hallmark channel.

[Anonymous]

Some of you are so dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely overreacting.

It's a comedy routine.

Break up him if you want, but then please go get therapy, because you are obviously looking for a reason to sabotage this relationship, and I suspect this is a pattern for you.

It's the BF who needs therapy: "We were talking afterwards and bf said that's how men really think and they don't want women to know, and he could relate to a lot of it."

You and other posters here trying to make the OP feel she's overreacting etc. are the ones who fail to see red flags in other people's behaviors and who dismiss others when they call out misogyny. I suspect that's a pattern for you.

To OP, if he has treated you well otherwise, I would have a serious talk with him and tell him this continues to concern you and you want to understand him better. See if he dismisses it as overreaction, or worse, if he trots out that old trope, "Women just don't have a sense of humor/aren't funny/can't take a joke." I'm surprised it hasn't turned up on this thread already. The "women can't take (or make) a joke" or "women are oversensitive" stuff is a red flag because it's basically saying women should shut up if they have an issue with certain "humor."

If you and your BF have an otherwise positive relationship, you should feel you are able to bring this back up with him and talk about it like adults. If you feel balky at bringing it up--that, too, is a sign that your relationship might need work. Note I didn't say to dump him instantly, OP. Talk to him about it and see how he reacts to having it brought up again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely overreacting.

It's a comedy routine.

Break up him if you want, but then please go get therapy, because you are obviously looking for a reason to sabotage this relationship, and I suspect this is a pattern for you.

It's the BF who needs therapy: "We were talking afterwards and bf said that's how men really think and they don't want women to know, and he could relate to a lot of it."

You and other posters here trying to make the OP feel she's overreacting etc. are the ones who fail to see red flags in other people's behaviors and who dismiss others when they call out misogyny. I suspect that's a pattern for you.

To OP, if he has treated you well otherwise, I would have a serious talk with him and tell him this continues to concern you and you want to understand him better. See if he dismisses it as overreaction, or worse, if he trots out that old trope, "Women just don't have a sense of humor/aren't funny/can't take a joke." I'm surprised it hasn't turned up on this thread already. The "women can't take (or make) a joke" or "women are oversensitive" stuff is a red flag because it's basically saying women should shut up if they have an issue with certain "humor."

If you and your BF have an otherwise positive relationship, you should feel you are able to bring this back up with him and talk about it like adults. If you feel balky at bringing it up--that, too, is a sign that your relationship might need work. Note I didn't say to dump him instantly, OP. Talk to him about it and see how he reacts to having it brought up again.

OP: Yes, I will talk to him about it. I like the idea of saying, "I want to understand you better." We are both divorced and my ex was very controlling and disrespectful of women (which I did not realize until later on), so I definitely want to avoid getting involved with someone like that. But again, new bf has always treated me really well.