When did your sexless marriage begin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, it turned out the marriage was only sexless for me as the exW was getting plenty of sex outside the marriage.

I’d love to meet her.

Why?

She sounds fun and I’m always looking for some side action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Timeline:

Years 0-12: sex 1x every 1-2 wks on average
10 mos ago: slowdown to 1-2x month
3 mos ago: sexless

The reasons are complicated but key things for me are
- we have been emotionally distant for 3-4 years but still had sex routinely with DH as only initiator
- 2 years ago we had an emotionally damaging (for me) sex encounter where I said No and he said he was going to get sex because he paid a lot for the trip we were on — really put a sharper point on sex entitlement/sex as transactional (note: we continued to have sex routinely after that)
- 10 mos ago in therapy together we switched roles where I would be the sole initiator and frequency went down
- 3 mos ago I was somewhat triggered about the events from 2 years ago and feel uncomfortable/emotionally unsafe having sex
- we are working hard on the emotional part and I hope the sex part will follow suit

Difference perhaps with other sexless marriages is because of our therapy we talk a lot about this stuff and we’re mostly on the same page currently despite there being no sex.

Thanks for sharing, we are also in therapy trying to clear out resentment so we can improve our marriage and have sex again as a benefit.

I know it's worth it because of finances and family but darn, its so so so much easier to start over with someone new, at least when it comes to sex, than to put in a herculean effort to maybe get back to 1-2x a month of duty sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Timeline:

Years 0-12: sex 1x every 1-2 wks on average
10 mos ago: slowdown to 1-2x month
3 mos ago: sexless

The reasons are complicated but key things for me are
- we have been emotionally distant for 3-4 years but still had sex routinely with DH as only initiator
- 2 years ago we had an emotionally damaging (for me) sex encounter where I said No and he said he was going to get sex because he paid a lot for the trip we were on — really put a sharper point on sex entitlement/sex as transactional (note: we continued to have sex routinely after that)
- 10 mos ago in therapy together we switched roles where I would be the sole initiator and frequency went down
- 3 mos ago I was somewhat triggered about the events from 2 years ago and feel uncomfortable/emotionally unsafe having sex
- we are working hard on the emotional part and I hope the sex part will follow suit

Difference perhaps with other sexless marriages is because of our therapy we talk a lot about this stuff and we’re mostly on the same page currently despite there being no sex.

This sounds terrible. What on earth was the sex encounter? Was it a swingers type thing? I’m sorry that happened to you, and it’s not ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never. But I had a few years of “business sex” where I was stressed, strapped and no libido- so was a more passive, non-initiating partner when my kids were in elementary school.

When husband got over his midlife entitled behavior and started really chipping in and kids reached MS/HS, my libido came back hard.

We never missed a week without sex though, even the years I had little libido.

Yes, agreed, when I wasn't exhausted and resentful of my non-helping DH, I got my groove back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Timeline:

Years 0-12: sex 1x every 1-2 wks on average
10 mos ago: slowdown to 1-2x month
3 mos ago: sexless

The reasons are complicated but key things for me are
- we have been emotionally distant for 3-4 years but still had sex routinely with DH as only initiator
- 2 years ago we had an emotionally damaging (for me) sex encounter where I said No and he said he was going to get sex because he paid a lot for the trip we were on — really put a sharper point on sex entitlement/sex as transactional (note: we continued to have sex routinely after that)
- 10 mos ago in therapy together we switched roles where I would be the sole initiator and frequency went down
- 3 mos ago I was somewhat triggered about the events from 2 years ago and feel uncomfortable/emotionally unsafe having sex
- we are working hard on the emotional part and I hope the sex part will follow suit

Difference perhaps with other sexless marriages is because of our therapy we talk a lot about this stuff and we’re mostly on the same page currently despite there being no sex.

Thanks for sharing, we are also in therapy trying to clear out resentment so we can improve our marriage and have sex again as a benefit.

I know it's worth it because of finances and family but darn, its so so so much easier to start over with someone new, at least when it comes to sex, than to put in a herculean effort to maybe get back to 1-2x a month of duty sex.

PP here and sometimes I feel that way too. It would be strange/awkward to have sex with a new partner if we split up, but it wouldn’t be bogged down by the heavy weight of years of emotional crap. I’m in my own therapy as well which is helping, I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Timeline:

Years 0-12: sex 1x every 1-2 wks on average
10 mos ago: slowdown to 1-2x month
3 mos ago: sexless

The reasons are complicated but key things for me are
- we have been emotionally distant for 3-4 years but still had sex routinely with DH as only initiator
- 2 years ago we had an emotionally damaging (for me) sex encounter where I said No and he said he was going to get sex because he paid a lot for the trip we were on — really put a sharper point on sex entitlement/sex as transactional (note: we continued to have sex routinely after that)
- 10 mos ago in therapy together we switched roles where I would be the sole initiator and frequency went down
- 3 mos ago I was somewhat triggered about the events from 2 years ago and feel uncomfortable/emotionally unsafe having sex
- we are working hard on the emotional part and I hope the sex part will follow suit

Difference perhaps with other sexless marriages is because of our therapy we talk a lot about this stuff and we’re mostly on the same page currently despite there being no sex.

This sounds terrible. What on earth was the sex encounter? Was it a swingers type thing? I’m sorry that happened to you, and it’s not ok.

Thank you. It always helps to hear that because for awhile I just brushed it off and also would sometimes wonder if I was being dramatic.

“Sex encounter” sounds more clinical or kinky than it was — by that I just meant a time that he and I had sex. We were on a big trip, we had had sex every night (3-4 nights) up to that point and when he initiated that next night I said no as I was tired and frankly sore. The he made the expensive trip comment and I basically froze up but we had sex anyway. We had been drinking wine at a nice dinner and he was drunk (and doesn’t remember the moment firsthand).

It has taken me awhile to acknowledge and realize how damaging it was for me emotionally, and I am in my own therapy too which I think helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I got pregnant with my second child. Reason... husband not able to transition to being a family, or just an asshole.

So much this.

+1. He couldn’t or wouldn’t take care of anything or anyone but himself. It is almost like he’s blind to things needs right in front of him- unlocked door, child falling, need for a coat, sick spouse, upcoming event and what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a big bout of depression at age 35 and if you count once a week as sexless like my asshole husband did, it began then. Things are better now but I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive him for how he handled the whole thing. Now sex isn’t about being emotionally close at all. It’s enjoyable but it will never be the same.

Hanging on to resentment is unhealthy, and often quite selfish.

Wow thank you for the the profound advice that I have never ever heard before. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never. But I had a few years of “business sex” where I was stressed, strapped and no libido- so was a more passive, non-initiating partner when my kids were in elementary school.

When husband got over his midlife entitled behavior and started really chipping in and kids reached MS/HS, my libido came back hard.

We never missed a week without sex though, even the years I had little libido.

cool story bro

Interesting you doubt this post - why? This was my (wife) experience - sex was more routine/businesslike/less passionate/less frequent when kids where small - libido/frequency/passion returned big time when kids were older. But we never let it become "sexless" - always had 1x a week. Now, more like 5x.

+1

If men would know this and hang in there instead of going out and cheating during that time. Sigh.

I don't think men should go out and cheat regardless, but the bounce back is absolutely not guaranteed even if the guy is a solid husband. I'm sure the bounce back isn't exactly rare, but I'm not convinced its better than a 50/50 chance.

Chrissakes, she didn't even completely stop sex. She was still having it weekly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never. But I had a few years of “business sex” where I was stressed, strapped and no libido- so was a more passive, non-initiating partner when my kids were in elementary school.

When husband got over his midlife entitled behavior and started really chipping in and kids reached MS/HS, my libido came back hard.

We never missed a week without sex though, even the years I had little libido.

cool story bro

Interesting you doubt this post - why? This was my (wife) experience - sex was more routine/businesslike/less passionate/less frequent when kids where small - libido/frequency/passion returned big time when kids were older. But we never let it become "sexless" - always had 1x a week. Now, more like 5x.

+1

If men would know this and hang in there instead of going out and cheating during that time. Sigh.

I don't think men should go out and cheat regardless, but the bounce back is absolutely not guaranteed even if the guy is a solid husband. I'm sure the bounce back isn't exactly rare, but I'm not convinced its better than a 50/50 chance.

Chrissakes, she didn't even completely stop sex. She was still having it weekly.

I wasn't really talking about her situation specifically. I was more talking about the other PP's reference to "men" generally. It's not uncommon for people to say that libido will bounce back if the husband is patient. And, as a general matter, I don't think the evidence for that is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a big bout of depression at age 35 and if you count once a week as sexless like my asshole husband did, it began then. Things are better now but I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive him for how he handled the whole thing. Now sex isn’t about being emotionally close at all. It’s enjoyable but it will never be the same.

Hanging on to resentment is unhealthy, and often quite selfish.

Wow thank you for the the profound advice that I have never ever heard before. 🙄

You seem quite comfortable in the role of being bitter and resentful. A lot of people in that role convince themselves that it is justified and they are righteous. But it is often the fact that they are selfish and holding onto perceived offenses because it is easier than being fully engaged in a relationship. And if you've heard the profound advice before, why haven't you acted on it?

[Anonymous]

Sexless when I became depressed....child with severe mental health issues, stress eating, don't like my body....I want to get back to a healthier dynamic. I love my husband and find him very attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Timeline:

Years 0-12: sex 1x every 1-2 wks on average
10 mos ago: slowdown to 1-2x month
3 mos ago: sexless

The reasons are complicated but key things for me are
- we have been emotionally distant for 3-4 years but still had sex routinely with DH as only initiator
- 2 years ago we had an emotionally damaging (for me) sex encounter where I said No and he said he was going to get sex because he paid a lot for the trip we were on — really put a sharper point on sex entitlement/sex as transactional (note: we continued to have sex routinely after that)
- 10 mos ago in therapy together we switched roles where I would be the sole initiator and frequency went down
- 3 mos ago I was somewhat triggered about the events from 2 years ago and feel uncomfortable/emotionally unsafe having sex
- we are working hard on the emotional part and I hope the sex part will follow suit

Difference perhaps with other sexless marriages is because of our therapy we talk a lot about this stuff and we’re mostly on the same page currently despite there being no sex.

You sound really fragile that you let a comment he made two years ago cause you to not want sex at all. Could it be that the guy was just an AH in the moment after he assumed that sex would be part of a nice vacation where the two of you are getting away? Was it really so bad that you are still holding all this anger from his one stupid comment, 2 years later??!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Timeline:

Years 0-12: sex 1x every 1-2 wks on average
10 mos ago: slowdown to 1-2x month
3 mos ago: sexless

The reasons are complicated but key things for me are
- we have been emotionally distant for 3-4 years but still had sex routinely with DH as only initiator
- 2 years ago we had an emotionally damaging (for me) sex encounter where I said No and he said he was going to get sex because he paid a lot for the trip we were on — really put a sharper point on sex entitlement/sex as transactional (note: we continued to have sex routinely after that)
- 10 mos ago in therapy together we switched roles where I would be the sole initiator and frequency went down
- 3 mos ago I was somewhat triggered about the events from 2 years ago and feel uncomfortable/emotionally unsafe having sex
- we are working hard on the emotional part and I hope the sex part will follow suit

Difference perhaps with other sexless marriages is because of our therapy we talk a lot about this stuff and we’re mostly on the same page currently despite there being no sex.

This sounds terrible. What on earth was the sex encounter? Was it a swingers type thing? I’m sorry that happened to you, and it’s not ok.

Thank you. It always helps to hear that because for awhile I just brushed it off and also would sometimes wonder if I was being dramatic.

“Sex encounter” sounds more clinical or kinky than it was — by that I just meant a time that he and I had sex. We were on a big trip, we had had sex every night (3-4 nights) up to that point and when he initiated that next night I said no as I was tired and frankly sore. The he made the expensive trip comment and I basically froze up but we had sex anyway. We had been drinking wine at a nice dinner and he was drunk (and doesn’t remember the moment firsthand).

It has taken me awhile to acknowledge and realize how damaging it was for me emotionally, and I am in my own therapy too which I think helps.

You sound a little nutty and overly dramatic. One drunken comment and about wanting sex that night and you are in therapy for it two years later and have basically blow up your married sex life over this? Sorry, I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Sex slowed down when we had kids. After a decade of me initiating 100% and her rejecting 90%, I stopped initiating and we stopped having sex. 3 years now, maybe 4x a year.

I also reject the idea things improve when kids get older. That may be true for people having maintenance sex 1x a week but not for people like me married to someone who is done.