When did your sexless marriage begin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex slowed down when we had kids. After a decade of me initiating 100% and her rejecting 90%, I stopped initiating and we stopped having sex. 3 years now, maybe 4x a year.

I also reject the idea things improve when kids get older. That may be true for people having maintenance sex 1x a week but not for people like me married to someone who is done.

And you are just going to silently put up with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex slowed down when we had kids. After a decade of me initiating 100% and her rejecting 90%, I stopped initiating and we stopped having sex. 3 years now, maybe 4x a year.

I also reject the idea things improve when kids get older. That may be true for people having maintenance sex 1x a week but not for people like me married to someone who is done.

And you are just going to silently put up with this?

Well, my options are to have an affair or divorce or badger my wife into sex she doesn't want. I can't badger. I had an affair but it's more trouble than it's worth. May divorce, but for now I like spending time with my kids every day

[Anonymous]

With XH sex stopped when he became emotionally abusive. Beginning of marriage we had sex 2-3 times a week. He couldn’t handle the stress of working and parenting after we had kids. He thought I was a controlling witch for asking him to split kid daycare pickups and sick days. I didn’t want to have sex with someone who spewed insults at me regularly. I still had a high libido and self satisfied frequently. We finally divorced.

I’m remarried and have sex with DH 4-5 times a week. I’ve always had a high libido, just did didn’t want to have sex with an a$$hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Around year 9 or so. DH went out plenty for work and took boys vacations but never made time to date me despite my asking him to. He does plenty around the house, but if we never hang out just the two of us, I don't know how he expects me to want him. We average 1x/mo but he doesn't seem to want it more and I'm bored too so I don't know what to tell you.

Based on this, almost certain he is having an affair.

Lol, unless he sneaks out after we go to sleep that’s impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Around year 9 or so. DH went out plenty for work and took boys vacations but never made time to date me despite my asking him to. He does plenty around the house, but if we never hang out just the two of us, I don't know how he expects me to want him. We average 1x/mo but he doesn't seem to want it more and I'm bored too so I don't know what to tell you.

Based on this, almost certain he is having an affair.

Lol, unless he sneaks out after we go to sleep that’s impossible.

I meant when he was going out for work and taking boys vacations and such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Around year 9 or so. DH went out plenty for work and took boys vacations but never made time to date me despite my asking him to. He does plenty around the house, but if we never hang out just the two of us, I don't know how he expects me to want him. We average 1x/mo but he doesn't seem to want it more and I'm bored too so I don't know what to tell you.

Based on this, almost certain he is having an affair.

Lol, unless he sneaks out after we go to sleep that’s impossible.

I meant when he was going out for work and taking boys vacations and such.

I hooked up with a guy at a resort. He was there for his own destination wedding. He told me he was there with a bunch of friends, which in his view wasn't a lie.

It's amazing how people find ways to cheat if they want to.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been cheating with my coworker for the last 2 years. We do it on our lunch break in her car or in the office as there are only 8 employees. We do t even have each others mobile number or know where we live. It’s a perfect situation and keeps me not wanting sex more than a few times a month with the wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With XH sex stopped when he became emotionally abusive. Beginning of marriage we had sex 2-3 times a week. He couldn’t handle the stress of working and parenting after we had kids. He thought I was a controlling witch for asking him to split kid daycare pickups and sick days. I didn’t want to have sex with someone who spewed insults at me regularly. I still had a high libido and self satisfied frequently. We finally divorced.

I’m remarried and have sex with DH 4-5 times a week. I’ve always had a high libido, just did didn’t want to have sex with an a$$hole.

Amen to that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Timeline:

Years 0-12: sex 1x every 1-2 wks on average
10 mos ago: slowdown to 1-2x month
3 mos ago: sexless

The reasons are complicated but key things for me are
- we have been emotionally distant for 3-4 years but still had sex routinely with DH as only initiator
- 2 years ago we had an emotionally damaging (for me) sex encounter where I said No and he said he was going to get sex because he paid a lot for the trip we were on — really put a sharper point on sex entitlement/sex as transactional (note: we continued to have sex routinely after that)
- 10 mos ago in therapy together we switched roles where I would be the sole initiator and frequency went down
- 3 mos ago I was somewhat triggered about the events from 2 years ago and feel uncomfortable/emotionally unsafe having sex
- we are working hard on the emotional part and I hope the sex part will follow suit

Difference perhaps with other sexless marriages is because of our therapy we talk a lot about this stuff and we’re mostly on the same page currently despite there being no sex.

There’s a name for that, and it isn’t someone you should continue being married to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex slowed down when we had kids. After a decade of me initiating 100% and her rejecting 90%, I stopped initiating and we stopped having sex. 3 years now, maybe 4x a year.

I also reject the idea things improve when kids get older. That may be true for people having maintenance sex 1x a week but not for people like me married to someone who is done.

Yours is a common story. At what point in this timeline did you begin having regular affair sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Around year 9 or so. DH went out plenty for work and took boys vacations but never made time to date me despite my asking him to. He does plenty around the house, but if we never hang out just the two of us, I don't know how he expects me to want him. We average 1x/mo but he doesn't seem to want it more and I'm bored too so I don't know what to tell you.

Based on this, almost certain he is having an affair.

Lol, unless he sneaks out after we go to sleep that’s impossible.

Normal healthy men do not survive on 1x/month. So he’s figured something else out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex slowed down when we had kids. After a decade of me initiating 100% and her rejecting 90%, I stopped initiating and we stopped having sex. 3 years now, maybe 4x a year.

I also reject the idea things improve when kids get older. That may be true for people having maintenance sex 1x a week but not for people like me married to someone who is done.

Yours is a common story. At what point in this timeline did you begin having regular affair sex?

It was after we had an amazing weekend in NYC and we still didn't have sex that I made the conscious decision not to turn down the next opportunity because I knew things wouldn't ever get better. About year 13 and 8 years into sex 4-12x a year

[Anonymous]

Wife told me just over 20 years ago “no woman anywhere wants to do it more than 4x per year”. Which I have a hard time believing. Last five years zero x. Between 5 and 10 years ago maybe 5 x total. I have never strayed. Live with deep emotional pain. No sex on 26 out of 27 anniversaries. No sex on 26 out of 27 Valentine’s Days. I do well financially. Been a great Dad. Always have been in great physical shape. Never left because I could not risk losing a great relationship with my son. Mayo Clinic says one of the reasons for pain during sex is from infrequency. It became painful for my wife over 5 years ago. She has closed up shop. We went through counseling 15 years ago which I initiated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Around year 9 or so. DH went out plenty for work and took boys vacations but never made time to date me despite my asking him to. He does plenty around the house, but if we never hang out just the two of us, I don't know how he expects me to want him. We average 1x/mo but he doesn't seem to want it more and I'm bored too so I don't know what to tell you.

Based on this, almost certain he is having an affair.

Lol, unless he sneaks out after we go to sleep that’s impossible.

Normal healthy men do not survive on 1x/month. So he’s figured something else out.

Is this some kind of genius advice you heard from Dan Savage? 🙄

“Normal healthy men” vary a lot in how much frequency they want. I have no idea what PP’s husband is up to but stop with the idea that men (or anybody) is abnormal or unhealthy if they are satisfied with less sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a big bout of depression at age 35 and if you count once a week as sexless like my asshole husband did, it began then. Things are better now but I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive him for how he handled the whole thing. Now sex isn’t about being emotionally close at all. It’s enjoyable but it will never be the same.

Hanging on to resentment is unhealthy, and often quite selfish.

Wow thank you for the the profound advice that I have never ever heard before. 🙄

You seem quite comfortable in the role of being bitter and resentful. A lot of people in that role convince themselves that it is justified and they are righteous. But it is often the fact that they are selfish and holding onto perceived offenses because it is easier than being fully engaged in a relationship. And if you've heard the profound advice before, why haven't you acted on it?

….did you miss the sarcasm there?

Okay I’ll try again.

Your advice is simplistic, trite, and unhelpful.

I am fine. I am working through my issues and I lead a generally happy life. The question I have is why you feel comfortable telling somebody they have taken on the role of being bitter and resentful, and that they feel comfortable in that role(!), based on their story about experiencing something terrible in their sex life and acknowledging that they aren’t over it.

“Perceived offenses,” good grief, give me a break. You have no idea what you’re talking about.