When did your sexless marriage begin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Timeline:

Years 0-12: sex 1x every 1-2 wks on average
10 mos ago: slowdown to 1-2x month
3 mos ago: sexless

The reasons are complicated but key things for me are
- we have been emotionally distant for 3-4 years but still had sex routinely with DH as only initiator
- 2 years ago we had an emotionally damaging (for me) sex encounter where I said No and he said he was going to get sex because he paid a lot for the trip we were on — really put a sharper point on sex entitlement/sex as transactional (note: we continued to have sex routinely after that)
- 10 mos ago in therapy together we switched roles where I would be the sole initiator and frequency went down
- 3 mos ago I was somewhat triggered about the events from 2 years ago and feel uncomfortable/emotionally unsafe having sex
- we are working hard on the emotional part and I hope the sex part will follow suit

Difference perhaps with other sexless marriages is because of our therapy we talk a lot about this stuff and we’re mostly on the same page currently despite there being no sex.

This sounds terrible. What on earth was the sex encounter? Was it a swingers type thing? I’m sorry that happened to you, and it’s not ok.

Thank you. It always helps to hear that because for awhile I just brushed it off and also would sometimes wonder if I was being dramatic.

“Sex encounter” sounds more clinical or kinky than it was — by that I just meant a time that he and I had sex. We were on a big trip, we had had sex every night (3-4 nights) up to that point and when he initiated that next night I said no as I was tired and frankly sore. The he made the expensive trip comment and I basically froze up but we had sex anyway. We had been drinking wine at a nice dinner and he was drunk (and doesn’t remember the moment firsthand).

It has taken me awhile to acknowledge and realize how damaging it was for me emotionally, and I am in my own therapy too which I think helps.

You sound a little nutty and overly dramatic. One drunken comment and about wanting sex that night and you are in therapy for it two years later and have basically blow up your married sex life over this? Sorry, I don't get it.

Can’t believe this PP and the one before are downplaying this. She said no. No means no even when you’re married. Not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With XH sex stopped when he became emotionally abusive. Beginning of marriage we had sex 2-3 times a week. He couldn’t handle the stress of working and parenting after we had kids. He thought I was a controlling witch for asking him to split kid daycare pickups and sick days. I didn’t want to have sex with someone who spewed insults at me regularly. I still had a high libido and self satisfied frequently. We finally divorced.

I’m remarried and have sex with DH 4-5 times a week. I’ve always had a high libido, just did didn’t want to have sex with an a$$hole.

Amen to that

Lesson to all: if you don’t want sex with your spouse, don’t just stay married to an a$$hole GET DIVORCED. This one simple thing would end all sexless marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife told me just over 20 years ago “no woman anywhere wants to do it more than 4x per year”. Which I have a hard time believing. Last five years zero x. Between 5 and 10 years ago maybe 5 x total. I have never strayed. Live with deep emotional pain. No sex on 26 out of 27 anniversaries. No sex on 26 out of 27 Valentine’s Days. I do well financially. Been a great Dad. Always have been in great physical shape. Never left because I could not risk losing a great relationship with my son. Mayo Clinic says one of the reasons for pain during sex is from infrequency. It became painful for my wife over 5 years ago. She has closed up shop. We went through counseling 15 years ago which I initiated.

You don’t sound normal sir. Healthy men could not survive like that without sex. This is what exactly affairs are for: to save the sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife told me just over 20 years ago “no woman anywhere wants to do it more than 4x per year”. Which I have a hard time believing. Last five years zero x. Between 5 and 10 years ago maybe 5 x total. I have never strayed. Live with deep emotional pain. No sex on 26 out of 27 anniversaries. No sex on 26 out of 27 Valentine’s Days. I do well financially. Been a great Dad. Always have been in great physical shape. Never left because I could not risk losing a great relationship with my son. Mayo Clinic says one of the reasons for pain during sex is from infrequency. It became painful for my wife over 5 years ago. She has closed up shop. We went through counseling 15 years ago which I initiated.

You don’t sound normal sir. Healthy men could not survive like that without sex. This is what exactly affairs are for: to save the sexless marriage.

Sigh. Hi, Open Marriage Guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Timeline:

Years 0-12: sex 1x every 1-2 wks on average
10 mos ago: slowdown to 1-2x month
3 mos ago: sexless

The reasons are complicated but key things for me are
- we have been emotionally distant for 3-4 years but still had sex routinely with DH as only initiator
- 2 years ago we had an emotionally damaging (for me) sex encounter where I said No and he said he was going to get sex because he paid a lot for the trip we were on — really put a sharper point on sex entitlement/sex as transactional (note: we continued to have sex routinely after that)
- 10 mos ago in therapy together we switched roles where I would be the sole initiator and frequency went down
- 3 mos ago I was somewhat triggered about the events from 2 years ago and feel uncomfortable/emotionally unsafe having sex
- we are working hard on the emotional part and I hope the sex part will follow suit

Difference perhaps with other sexless marriages is because of our therapy we talk a lot about this stuff and we’re mostly on the same page currently despite there being no sex.

This sounds terrible. What on earth was the sex encounter? Was it a swingers type thing? I’m sorry that happened to you, and it’s not ok.

Thank you. It always helps to hear that because for awhile I just brushed it off and also would sometimes wonder if I was being dramatic.

“Sex encounter” sounds more clinical or kinky than it was — by that I just meant a time that he and I had sex. We were on a big trip, we had had sex every night (3-4 nights) up to that point and when he initiated that next night I said no as I was tired and frankly sore. The he made the expensive trip comment and I basically froze up but we had sex anyway. We had been drinking wine at a nice dinner and he was drunk (and doesn’t remember the moment firsthand).

It has taken me awhile to acknowledge and realize how damaging it was for me emotionally, and I am in my own therapy too which I think helps.

You sound a little nutty and overly dramatic. One drunken comment and about wanting sex that night and you are in therapy for it two years later and have basically blow up your married sex life over this? Sorry, I don't get it.

Can’t believe this PP and the one before are downplaying this. She said no. No means no even when you’re married. Not okay.

Same. If you're in pain and don't want to have sex, but somebody insists you have sex with them anyway, that is r*pe. I don't understand how somebody couldn't understand that r*pe would blow up a couple's sex life.

It's also really, really necessary to understand that there are really three physiological responses to a threat: fight, flight, or freeze. Freezing up when you're threatened is like an animal playing dead. When you freeze as a response to a threat of r*pe or sexual assault, that isn't consent, it's a terror response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound a little nutty and overly dramatic. One drunken comment and about wanting sex that night and you are in therapy for it two years later and have basically blow up your married sex life over this? Sorry, I don't get it.

Anonymous wrote:You sound really fragile that you let a comment he made two years ago cause you to not want sex at all. Could it be that the guy was just an AH in the moment after he assumed that sex would be part of a nice vacation where the two of you are getting away? Was it really so bad that you are still holding all this anger from his one stupid comment, 2 years later??!

Curious if you are men? Interesting how you frame this as me "blowing up" my sex life when in fact it is his behavior that night that is a contributor here.

If you re-read my post you'll see that I said "it's complicated" and it isn't just about that one incident. But that one incident was part of a larger pattern of disrespect and undervaluing my emotional needs, for years, which overtime led us here. That incident is not the only reason we are/I am in therapy. In fact for while I ignored it/minimized it and that has been more damaging.

I feel tense and uncomfortable and unable to be vulnerable physically with him and I'm done having sex with him unless I feel differently. Unlike you, he is thankfully understanding about why and so there is a chance for us to resolve the issues and build back. I think and hope the sexless part of our marriage will be temporary and situational. And if he is unable to sustain the sexlessness during this time that I need then I'd understand and it would perhaps be time for us to consider ending it. Neither of us want that, but I'm also not going to have sex with him just to appease that. My appeasement of his sexual needs in contrast to my emotional needs is part of why we're here.

Whether you "get it" or not is immaterial -- I've posted and replied so that others can see different types/timelines of sexless marriages, even if they don't fit inside your understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife told me just over 20 years ago “no woman anywhere wants to do it more than 4x per year”. Which I have a hard time believing. Last five years zero x. Between 5 and 10 years ago maybe 5 x total. I have never strayed. Live with deep emotional pain. No sex on 26 out of 27 anniversaries. No sex on 26 out of 27 Valentine’s Days. I do well financially. Been a great Dad. Always have been in great physical shape. Never left because I could not risk losing a great relationship with my son. Mayo Clinic says one of the reasons for pain during sex is from infrequency. It became painful for my wife over 5 years ago. She has closed up shop. We went through counseling 15 years ago which I initiated.

You don’t sound normal sir. Healthy men could not survive like that without sex. This is what exactly affairs are for: to save the sexless marriage.

He said he’s in deep emotional pain.

He wants more sex. He is not happy.

Or do you think men actually die without sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With XH sex stopped when he became emotionally abusive. Beginning of marriage we had sex 2-3 times a week. He couldn’t handle the stress of working and parenting after we had kids. He thought I was a controlling witch for asking him to split kid daycare pickups and sick days. I didn’t want to have sex with someone who spewed insults at me regularly. I still had a high libido and self satisfied frequently. We finally divorced.

I’m remarried and have sex with DH 4-5 times a week. I’ve always had a high libido, just did didn’t want to have sex with an a$$hole.

Amen to that

Lesson to all: if you don’t want sex with your spouse, don’t just stay married to an a$$hole GET DIVORCED. This one simple thing would end all sexless marriages.

… you missed the ABUSE part….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Around year 9 or so. DH went out plenty for work and took boys vacations but never made time to date me despite my asking him to. He does plenty around the house, but if we never hang out just the two of us, I don't know how he expects me to want him. We average 1x/mo but he doesn't seem to want it more and I'm bored too so I don't know what to tell you.

Based on this, almost certain he is having an affair.

Lol, unless he sneaks out after we go to sleep that’s impossible.

I meant when he was going out for work and taking boys vacations and such.

Nope. I could see why you'd think that, but nope for so many reasons.

[Anonymous]

When she said she felt like it wa abuse to keep asking her for sex every weekend. She would want to engage maybe twice a month if I was lucky. That’s always stuck in my head and really messed with me. Then I found a coworker that wants to have sex at least once a week with me and now I don’t bother the wife for it. She will want to have sex once every two months and I’m okay with that since I’m already getting it weekly

[Anonymous]

It began 10 years ago and is down to once or twice a month. I’m jot sure if it’s even worth a divorce at this point. She is a good mother but I feel like a roommate more than her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With XH sex stopped when he became emotionally abusive. Beginning of marriage we had sex 2-3 times a week. He couldn’t handle the stress of working and parenting after we had kids. He thought I was a controlling witch for asking him to split kid daycare pickups and sick days. I didn’t want to have sex with someone who spewed insults at me regularly. I still had a high libido and self satisfied frequently. We finally divorced.

I’m remarried and have sex with DH 4-5 times a week. I’ve always had a high libido, just did didn’t want to have sex with an a$$hole.

Amen to that

Lesson to all: if you don’t want sex with your spouse, don’t just stay married to an a$$hole GET DIVORCED. This one simple thing would end all sexless marriages.

… you missed the ABUSE part….

Not at all: an abusive a$$hole you should immediately get divorced. So there is no sexless marriage, and no need to post on a sexless marriage thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It began 10 years ago and is down to once or twice a month. I’m jot sure if it’s even worth a divorce at this point. She is a good mother but I feel like a roommate more than her husband.

Now tell us about your girlfriend

[Anonymous]

It is amazing that some people cannot even imagine that some (many?) men in sexless marriages don’t have side pieces. Different strokes and all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is amazing that some people cannot even imagine that some (many?) men in sexless marriages don’t have side pieces. Different strokes and all.

Guessing you aren’t a man. So what do you know about it?