Sexual secrets within a monogamous committed relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

Do you think these things are shameful, OP? What a weird question. Most of those are very personal experiences or behaviors and not really oriented to sharing in a “TMI” sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

Guy here. Married 18 years. I do/did all 3 of those but I quit porn (it’s just not good for guys). No, I don’t tell her about them. If I had to guess, she doesn’t do #1 but does read nasty romance novels, probably doesn’t do #2 (she’s a super busy type A career person and wasting minutes just isn’t her thing). She probably does have #3 - who doesn’t?

DH, is that you?

Married 18 yrs, and I read erotica, once in a while will watch porn, but he knows I do sometimes. And I do #2 as well, later at night, when I know DH is asleep. #3 obviously.

I do #2 because sometimes, I don't want to do much else. Just get to the point, and he isn't that great in bed. I do a better job reaching a more powerful O, and sometimes, it's late, and I don't want to wake him, though he has stated to wake him up when I'm in the mood. But, it's just easier for me sometimes.

OP here. Thanks for the many candid replies. On this last one, I am wondering if DH is really so untrainable, whether you just don’t want to spend more time which it might take if you woke him up, or whether involving him might lead to demands re other activities that you just don’t feel like doing. B/c it sounds like he would like to be woken up.

Also did not think about erotic lit vs porn, maybe because I don’t read it and doubt partners would hide reading it from each other (but maybe they would).

My husband is super judgmental about my erotic literature! Or he was at first, until he asked me if I was reading pron and I said no, this is just romance, if I wanted pron I’d go to game of thrones (or whatever HBO show he was watching) for that. It fine now, but at first he was so judgmental which is weird since he and I have watched pron together many times. There is a stigma about erotic literature for sure.

DH here. Would not care in the least if my DW read erotic lit. I'd read it with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

Guy here. Married 18 years. I do/did all 3 of those but I quit porn (it’s just not good for guys). No, I don’t tell her about them. If I had to guess, she doesn’t do #1 but does read nasty romance novels, probably doesn’t do #2 (she’s a super busy type A career person and wasting minutes just isn’t her thing). She probably does have #3 - who doesn’t?

DH, is that you?

Married 18 yrs, and I read erotica, once in a while will watch porn, but he knows I do sometimes. And I do #2 as well, later at night, when I know DH is asleep. #3 obviously.

I do #2 because sometimes, I don't want to do much else. Just get to the point, and he isn't that great in bed. I do a better job reaching a more powerful O, and sometimes, it's late, and I don't want to wake him, though he has stated to wake him up when I'm in the mood. But, it's just easier for me sometimes.

OP here. Thanks for the many candid replies. On this last one, I am wondering if DH is really so untrainable, whether you just don’t want to spend more time which it might take if you woke him up, or whether involving him might lead to demands re other activities that you just don’t feel like doing. B/c it sounds like he would like to be woken up.

Also did not think about erotic lit vs porn, maybe because I don’t read it and doubt partners would hide reading it from each other (but maybe they would).

PP here.. we've been together for 20 years. I have tried to tell him many times. He gets his feelings hurt when I tell him. But I did buy a toy, and sometimes we use it together. He's onboard with that. But the toy is loud, and our walls are thin. We have teens. So, we don't use it that often.


Yes, he would like to be woken up, but as I said, sometimes I don't want all the other stuff. I just want to take care of it myself and not have to deal with telling him, "to the right" or "harder" or whatever. I also get frustrated when he doesn't do it the way I want. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I still have sex with him because 1. it's a way to connect with him, and I do love him 2. he wants it.

But, as far as actually getting off, I can do it better on my own.

DH knows I read erotica, and sometimes, it turns me on, so he doesn't mind that I read it at all, that and me watching porn, which I do once in a great while when I'm bored and sometimes want a laugh. Some of it is silly; I don't watch the violent ones. Those are turn offs. But sometimes it can turn me on, and he knows that. We have watched it together at times.

The only thing I really keep from him is how often I do #2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

Do you think these things are shameful, OP? What a weird question. Most of those are very personal experiences or behaviors and not really oriented to sharing in a “TMI” sense.

OP here, I don't think any of them are shameful (although it is a bit more complicated with certain forms of porn). I think 2 and 3 are totally natural but even in committed relationships people often want to maintain some private space or sphere. At the same time, couples often crave greater honesty and the intimacy that could come from being more open about these matters. I'm interested in how others resolve this tension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

There's a very good book on #3 for women called My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday. Eye-opening.

[Anonymous]

Guy. Married 15 years. Tiny bity of porn. Maybe watch once every couple of months. Lots of #2 for me, don't know about the wife. We used to have weekly confessions with each other how many times we did it solo. I always thought it was hot when she confessed. Sexual fantasies; I have them all the time and do not tell her. I would if she asked, but this is not a topic we talk about. Don't know why. I have asked her if she has fantasies, but she always says no. Do know she would let every member of the band Depeche Mode climb on top of her, other than that can't get a peep out otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Male here, 63, yes to all 3. #2 closes the gap between my needs and hers. She is content with 1X wk of the regular drill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

Guy here. Married 18 years. I do/did all 3 of those but I quit porn (it’s just not good for guys). No, I don’t tell her about them. If I had to guess, she doesn’t do #1 but does read nasty romance novels, probably doesn’t do #2 (she’s a super busy type A career person and wasting minutes just isn’t her thing). She probably does have #3 - who doesn’t?

DH, is that you?

Married 18 yrs, and I read erotica, once in a while will watch porn, but he knows I do sometimes. And I do #2 as well, later at night, when I know DH is asleep. #3 obviously.

I do #2 because sometimes, I don't want to do much else. Just get to the point, and he isn't that great in bed. I do a better job reaching a more powerful O, and sometimes, it's late, and I don't want to wake him, though he has stated to wake him up when I'm in the mood. But, it's just easier for me sometimes.

OP here. Thanks for the many candid replies. On this last one, I am wondering if DH is really so untrainable, whether you just don’t want to spend more time which it might take if you woke him up, or whether involving him might lead to demands re other activities that you just don’t feel like doing. B/c it sounds like he would like to be woken up.

Also did not think about erotic lit vs porn, maybe because I don’t read it and doubt partners would hide reading it from each other (but maybe they would).

My husband is super judgmental about my erotic literature! Or he was at first, until he asked me if I was reading pron and I said no, this is just romance, if I wanted pron I’d go to game of thrones (or whatever HBO show he was watching) for that. It fine now, but at first he was so judgmental which is weird since he and I have watched pron together many times. There is a stigma about erotic literature for sure.

DH here. Would not care in the least if my DW read erotic lit. I'd read it with her.

I’m the previous “Guy here” poster. I don’t care that my wife reads steamy novels at all, in fact its encouraged. I’ve role played some of the characters and scenes for her. Need me to learn a Scottish Highlander accent? No problem.

[Anonymous]

Any other women here who would hide from their partner the fact that they are reading erotic lit? Why do that (other than the fact that partner is puritanical about such lit)? Fear that you'd make him feel inadequate by comparison to whatever happens in the lit?

[Anonymous]

My guess is there were some copies of Fifty Shades of Grey that were stashed in a drawer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy. Married 15 years. Tiny bity of porn. Maybe watch once every couple of months. Lots of #2 for me, don't know about the wife. We used to have weekly confessions with each other how many times we did it solo. I always thought it was hot when she confessed. Sexual fantasies; I have them all the time and do not tell her. I would if she asked, but this is not a topic we talk about. Don't know why. I have asked her if she has fantasies, but she always says no. Do know she would let every member of the band Depeche Mode climb on top of her, other than that can't get a peep out otherwise.

LOL.. for me, it would be Duran Duran, but like when they were what they looked like 35 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My guess is there were some copies of Fifty Shades of Grey that were stashed in a drawer.

I have my copy in my nightstand, along with the toy. DH knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I’m the previous “Guy here” poster. I don’t care that my wife reads steamy novels at all, in fact its encouraged. I’ve role played some of the characters and scenes for her. Need me to learn a Scottish Highlander accent? No problem.

LOL.. I love it. I read romance novels, and my DH is a Brit, but I think I would laugh if he role played. I can't get into the role playing. I would just laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I’m the previous “Guy here” poster. I don’t care that my wife reads steamy novels at all, in fact its encouraged. I’ve role played some of the characters and scenes for her. Need me to learn a Scottish Highlander accent? No problem.

LOL.. I love it. I read romance novels, and my DH is a Brit, but I think I would laugh if he role played. I can't get into the role playing. I would just laugh.

My hunch is that PP can pull it off in way other men cannot.

[Anonymous]

We don’t “share” but based on the limited porn I’ve seen the guys D’s are unrealistic as are the women’s’ moaning and groaning. The other two I’m good with but I really enjoy the real thing.