Sexual secrets within a monogamous committed relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never discuss any of that but we have a great sex life. Am I doing something wrong? FWIW I don’t watch porn but I’m fine with the other two.

I don’t think you’re doing something wrong! Whatever works for you both of you is exactly what you should be doing.

Agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:36 F. I don't tell my husband about fantasies because I know he'd want to roleplay them with me and it's too goofy. He likes dialogue and trying to talk about them would just make me way too self conscious to enjoy it.

Can you give an example of one that is goofy? I think almost everyone has fantasies and the range is very wide so no judgment here, just curious…

I don’t think she’s saying the fantasies are goofy. The enactment, especially with her husband’s version of the dialogue, would ruin it for her.

Gotcha, makes sense, thx

[Anonymous]

always fantasize about someone else while riding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:52 female - we don’t talk about it but I’m into 2 and 3. My fantasies are generally around what we do, not doing it with someone else. I have read some erotic literature and that has led to some fun bondage with DH - hand cuffs, scarf tie downs. We have a fireplace in our MBR and being on the floor in front of it seems to unleash something in me.

Any reason why you don’t ever talk about 2? Seems like you are very open re 3 in a way that does not suggest you are shy or holding back concerning your wishes. Maybe 2 is just by nature a more private thing (although it could always become a group sport if you wanted it to). [/quote

I often do 2 as part of foreplay as well as solo. My husband prefers my hand to his own.

[Anonymous]

1. Neither of us consume porn.

2. I know that he does it. He knows that I do it. Sometimes we do it in front of each other and sometimes not. Sometimes we'll tell the other about solo time, this is usually when we haven't been intimate in a while and letting the other know they are missed. I'm certain we don't tell each other about every instance.

3. Fantasies some we share and some we don't If it's something we want to try together we talk about it.


As for how we got there, I think it helped that we were closer to 40 when we go together and just at that point in life where you no longer give a shit, so we just never got into the habit of feeling embarrassed. I was also very open and I think that helped him be more open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Neither of us consume porn.

2. I know that he does it. He knows that I do it. Sometimes we do it in front of each other and sometimes not. Sometimes we'll tell the other about solo time, this is usually when we haven't been intimate in a while and letting the other know they are missed. I'm certain we don't tell each other about every instance.

3. Fantasies some we share and some we don't If it's something we want to try together we talk about it.


As for how we got there, I think it helped that we were closer to 40 when we go together and just at that point in life where you no longer give a shit, so we just never got into the habit of feeling embarrassed. I was also very open and I think that helped him be more open.

I like the positive message re 2 that the other is missed. I assume some might not mention to a partner because it would be heard in a negative light (i.e., I didn’t think you’d want to, so I took matters into my own hands).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:always fantasize about someone else while riding

M or F? How long in relationship? How long into the relationship were you before you started to think of someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:always fantasize about someone else while riding

I think my wife does this too. She always tells me not to talk during sex.

[Anonymous]

I never think of anyone else while with DW. The other two, nice in a while. Married 25 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

Guy here. Married 18 years. I do/did all 3 of those but I quit porn (it’s just not good for guys). No, I don’t tell her about them. If I had to guess, she doesn’t do #1 but does read nasty romance novels, probably doesn’t do #2 (she’s a super busy type A career person and wasting minutes just isn’t her thing). She probably does have #3 - who doesn’t?

It's bad for lots of guys but perfectly fine for many.

If it was bad for you and you quit then great though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never think of anyone else while with DW. The other two, nice in a while. Married 25 years.

Same though, I'm the woman. I have had fantasies about other people, but not while I'm with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never think of anyone else while with DW. The other two, nice in a while. Married 25 years.

Same though, I'm the woman. I have had fantasies about other people, but not while I'm with him.

Wow, really? I would have bet all my money that all men and certainly most women fantasize about others. That's amazing you don't!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never think of anyone else while with DW. The other two, nice in a while. Married 25 years.

Same though, I'm the woman. I have had fantasies about other people, but not while I'm with him.

Wow, really? I would have bet all my money that all men and certainly most women fantasize about others. That's amazing you don't!

Another poster here who only fantasizes about DW. There are millions of attractive woman, but my wife is the only one that really does it for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

Guy here. Married 18 years. I do/did all 3 of those but I quit porn (it’s just not good for guys). No, I don’t tell her about them. If I had to guess, she doesn’t do #1 but does read nasty romance novels, probably doesn’t do #2 (she’s a super busy type A career person and wasting minutes just isn’t her thing). She probably does have #3 - who doesn’t?

It's bad for lots of guys but perfectly fine for many.

If it was bad for you and you quit then great though.

It is until it isn’t. It was fine more me at first but caused issues for me. Glad to have it behind me. If my wife were into it I’d be down to watch it. But not interested solo.

[Anonymous]

54.

1). Yes. For those who oppose pron, and alternative is woman-created, non-exploitive “make love, not porn.” There are Ted talks about it. Check it out.

2. Yes. Both solo. Have recently tried this together (though not simultaneous). It fits certain scenarios for us. We are more open with each other than 5 years ago.

3. Private. I know we both have them. DW would never tell me what they are. I’m open, but she does not want to hear mine.