Sexual secrets within a monogamous committed relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m interested in things that people specifically decide to keep hidden or secret in these categories. So if you don’t share an instance of #1 or #2 that occurred today because you’ve told DH about instances last week and you don’t think he cares to know about more recent examples, that would’t count. But if you decide not to tell him because you think he’d blame your lack of interest in sex with him on that, that would count.

I don’t tell him everything because he might consider the solo thing excessive but also because it’s weird to say “hey I just finished pleasuring myself.” I do sometimes say “nah this can be a quickie, I took care of myself earlier,” and I might mention it in passing. Same with Pron or fantasies.

But my guess is that the overwhelming majority of women who do these things are also very interested in sex with their husbands. I imagine the same is true for men too but I know that it pron can create unhealthy expectations so maybe not.

Nowadays there is also feminist or sex-positive porn available that avoids some of the negative stuff in “regular” porn. Thinking in particular of the work of Erica Lust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

Guy here. Married 18 years. I do/did all 3 of those but I quit porn (it’s just not good for guys). No, I don’t tell her about them. If I had to guess, she doesn’t do #1 but does read nasty romance novels, probably doesn’t do #2 (she’s a super busy type A career person and wasting minutes just isn’t her thing). She probably does have #3 - who doesn’t?

DH, is that you?

Married 18 yrs, and I read erotica, once in a while will watch porn, but he knows I do sometimes. And I do #2 as well, later at night, when I know DH is asleep. #3 obviously.

I do #2 because sometimes, I don't want to do much else. Just get to the point, and he isn't that great in bed. I do a better job reaching a more powerful O, and sometimes, it's late, and I don't want to wake him, though he has stated to wake him up when I'm in the mood. But, it's just easier for me sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just assume that solo satisfaction is a normal and universal part of everyone's life. This doesn't even count as a so-called secret IMO.

DW claims she has never done it, also that she has no fantasies. Hard to believe but am at a loss why she would not admit to these. Married for decades with good sex life.

If she has a pulse the odds are good that she has but is embarrassed to admit it. Did she go to Catholic grammar school? But if you have a good sex life I wouldn’t worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female, early 50s, yes to all three. We have an active sex life and it’s not like I’m ashamed of anything, but am entitled to a private life, too. Married over 25 years with kids.

I get the point about privacy but suppose your spouse welcomed that convo and did so in order to increase the intimacy of your relationship? Would that change how you approach this? Or would you still want to keep some or all of that private?

My spouse knows and we have a very open communication style. I just meant we don’t discuss on a regular basis. Like, I wouldn’t masturbate and report back. It doesn’t impact how we are together. We do share about #3 when it can lead to something exciting for the two of us, or if I need help working through something, etc. During Covid, the first thing I ran to do when everyone left the house (which was infrequent) was head to my toy closet. Partner didn’t need a report back on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 8 years and I’d say there are no “secrets” but still not 100% transparency/ telling everything. There have been a handful of times I have watched porn or pleasured myself in secret. I don’t feel the need to tell him everything - part of what makes me feel sexual is feeling I have some freedom and privacy.

Sexual fantasies - he knows I am bi curious but probably underestimates how much I think about it.

You've only masturbated a handful of times (nice pun) in eight years? Yikes.

Why is this “yikes”? We have two kids under 6, both work full time, but we have sex twice a week. I orgasm multiple times. I am satisfied, I don’t have a high drive or need to do more than what I am already doing.

[Anonymous]

Both of us are our mid-50’s and we don’t talk about them but #2 and 3 are pretty common for me. I hope my husband isn’t into porn but he’s never had unreasonable expectations about what we do in bed and it’s certainly not his way to achieve sexual satisfaction. He has me for that. After almost 30 years we still have a great sex life and while we keep some things private I don’t think it’s unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

Guy here. Married 18 years. I do/did all 3 of those but I quit porn (it’s just not good for guys). No, I don’t tell her about them. If I had to guess, she doesn’t do #1 but does read nasty romance novels, probably doesn’t do #2 (she’s a super busy type A career person and wasting minutes just isn’t her thing). She probably does have #3 - who doesn’t?

DH, is that you?

Married 18 yrs, and I read erotica, once in a while will watch porn, but he knows I do sometimes. And I do #2 as well, later at night, when I know DH is asleep. #3 obviously.

I do #2 because sometimes, I don't want to do much else. Just get to the point, and he isn't that great in bed. I do a better job reaching a more powerful O, and sometimes, it's late, and I don't want to wake him, though he has stated to wake him up when I'm in the mood. But, it's just easier for me sometimes.

OP here. Thanks for the many candid replies. On this last one, I am wondering if DH is really so untrainable, whether you just don’t want to spend more time which it might take if you woke him up, or whether involving him might lead to demands re other activities that you just don’t feel like doing. B/c it sounds like he would like to be woken up.

Also did not think about erotic lit vs porn, maybe because I don’t read it and doubt partners would hide reading it from each other (but maybe they would).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 8 years and I’d say there are no “secrets” but still not 100% transparency/ telling everything. There have been a handful of times I have watched porn or pleasured myself in secret. I don’t feel the need to tell him everything - part of what makes me feel sexual is feeling I have some freedom and privacy.

Sexual fantasies - he knows I am bi curious but probably underestimates how much I think about it.

You've only masturbated a handful of times (nice pun) in eight years? Yikes.

Why is this “yikes”? We have two kids under 6, both work full time, but we have sex twice a week. I orgasm multiple times. I am satisfied, I don’t have a high drive or need to do more than what I am already doing.

I love sex but I rarely orgasm and I’ve been that way forever and not just with my husband. I too don’t have a high drive but I do take care of myself once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Female. I don’t do any of those. I don’t know if H does and I don’t want to know. I’d be pretty hurt if I saw he was using porn or knew he was fantasizing about others.

OP here. I get why it would be hurtful if you learned he was fantasizing about another woman, but what if his fantasy is more situational. For example, some people have fantasies about sex in forbidden places, such as in public or an elevator. If DH had a fantasy like that, would you be upset if you knew that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

Yes to a three. 45 year old married man, married 16 years. Wife was once sexually fun and now a total prude and we have sex once a month, sometimes less.

I go solo daily, porn often and many sexual fantasies I won't tl her about because it's pointless. I tried once and she shot it down.

Married sex can be fine if you are open to each other but it's a prison if you are in my shoes.

Since you don't want to know about affairs....

[Anonymous]

Female, 40s. All 3, except it’s not really porn — more erotica or tasteful photographs. Sometimes I send 1) to him for fun. 2), I don’t feel the need to tell him but he knows. Sometimes it’s every day, sometimes more than once. Sometimes with him as a prelude to other things. 3), don’t really feel the need to share unless we are having fantasies together.

I’m surprised so many women here say they don’t do 2) at all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female, early 50s, yes to all three. We have an active sex life and it’s not like I’m ashamed of anything, but am entitled to a private life, too. Married over 25 years with kids.

I get the point about privacy but suppose your spouse welcomed that convo and did so in order to increase the intimacy of your relationship? Would that change how you approach this? Or would you still want to keep some or all of that private?

My spouse knows and we have a very open communication style. I just meant we don’t discuss on a regular basis. Like, I wouldn’t masturbate and report back. It doesn’t impact how we are together. We do share about #3 when it can lead to something exciting for the two of us, or if I need help working through something, etc. During Covid, the first thing I ran to do when everyone left the house (which was infrequent) was head to my toy closet. Partner didn’t need a report back on that.

OP here. This last raises a #4: The ownership and use of sex toys

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female. I don’t do any of those. I don’t know if H does and I don’t want to know. I’d be pretty hurt if I saw he was using porn or knew he was fantasizing about others.

OP here. I get why it would be hurtful if you learned he was fantasizing about another woman, but what if his fantasy is more situational. For example, some people have fantasies about sex in forbidden places, such as in public or an elevator. If DH had a fantasy like that, would you be upset if you knew that?

DP here and I would love knowing. I think the conversation would be the same as pretty much any conversation about sex. It’s awkward but you get past that and then it’s exciting.

But don’t actually have sex in public, it’s not fair to people who don’t want to see it and you don’t want to get arrested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

Guy here. Married 18 years. I do/did all 3 of those but I quit porn (it’s just not good for guys). No, I don’t tell her about them. If I had to guess, she doesn’t do #1 but does read nasty romance novels, probably doesn’t do #2 (she’s a super busy type A career person and wasting minutes just isn’t her thing). She probably does have #3 - who doesn’t?

DH, is that you?

Married 18 yrs, and I read erotica, once in a while will watch porn, but he knows I do sometimes. And I do #2 as well, later at night, when I know DH is asleep. #3 obviously.

I do #2 because sometimes, I don't want to do much else. Just get to the point, and he isn't that great in bed. I do a better job reaching a more powerful O, and sometimes, it's late, and I don't want to wake him, though he has stated to wake him up when I'm in the mood. But, it's just easier for me sometimes.

OP here. Thanks for the many candid replies. On this last one, I am wondering if DH is really so untrainable, whether you just don’t want to spend more time which it might take if you woke him up, or whether involving him might lead to demands re other activities that you just don’t feel like doing. B/c it sounds like he would like to be woken up.

Also did not think about erotic lit vs porn, maybe because I don’t read it and doubt partners would hide reading it from each other (but maybe they would).

My husband is super judgmental about my erotic literature! Or he was at first, until he asked me if I was reading pron and I said no, this is just romance, if I wanted pron I’d go to game of thrones (or whatever HBO show he was watching) for that. It fine now, but at first he was so judgmental which is weird since he and I have watched pron together many times. There is a stigma about erotic literature for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m interested in things that people specifically decide to keep hidden or secret in these categories. So if you don’t share an instance of #1 or #2 that occurred today because you’ve told DH about instances last week and you don’t think he cares to know about more recent examples, that would’t count. But if you decide not to tell him because you think he’d blame your lack of interest in sex with him on that, that would count.

I don’t tell him everything because he might consider the solo thing excessive but also because it’s weird to say “hey I just finished pleasuring myself.” I do sometimes say “nah this can be a quickie, I took care of myself earlier,” and I might mention it in passing. Same with Pron or fantasies.

But my guess is that the overwhelming majority of women who do these things are also very interested in sex with their husbands. I imagine the same is true for men too but I know that it pron can create unhealthy expectations so maybe not.

Nowadays there is also feminist or sex-positive porn available that avoids some of the negative stuff in “regular” porn. Thinking in particular of the work of Erica Lust.

There's porn and there's porn. Huge range from regular pics to videos to VR videos to VR live shows. Also huge range of content from garden-variety porn to far more disturbing or kinky stuff. A spouse might not care about some soft core pics but might feel quite differently about VR video that is pretty close, in many ways, to an actual encounter.