Sexual secrets within a monogamous committed relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:always fantasize about someone else while riding

I think my wife does this too. She always tells me not to talk during sex.

I hate it when my DH wants to talk dirty during sex because it is so awkward and strange. I don't want a chatty person, some vocalization -grunts and moans, a few words here and there is great, but it is cringeworthy when he tries to talk dirty.

[Anonymous]

I do all 3. DH knows about it but I don't think he realizes how much I go for n1 (I don't go for n2 very often.) If he asked I'd tell him but I don't ever bring it up because I think he'd feel bad I do it so much because he'd think he doesn't satisfy me which is not the case (I have very high drive and always had - we've been together for over 20 years and I always wanted it daily, or sometimes multiple times a day, DH is more of an every other day type of guy. Plus, sometimes it's just way quicker and less fuss.)

As to fantasies, he's always been a lot more vanilla but sometimes we do try them out so they are a part of our married life. (I am open to any of his fantasies as long as they didn't involve other people or extreme pain but he says he doesn't really have many. The few times he shared, it was fine.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do all 3. DH knows about it but I don't think he realizes how much I go for n1 (I don't go for n2 very often.) If he asked I'd tell him but I don't ever bring it up because I think he'd feel bad I do it so much because he'd think he doesn't satisfy me which is not the case (I have very high drive and always had - we've been together for over 20 years and I always wanted it daily, or sometimes multiple times a day, DH is more of an every other day type of guy. Plus, sometimes it's just way quicker and less fuss.)

As to fantasies, he's always been a lot more vanilla but sometimes we do try them out so they are a part of our married life. (I am open to any of his fantasies as long as they didn't involve other people or extreme pain but he says he doesn't really have many. The few times he shared, it was fine.)

Oops, swapped one and two. P0rn is the one I don't do much of and solo satisfaction is the one that's common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sounds like she strongly suggested she wants to be submissive (many people do). Assuming you are in a trusting, loving relationship, there may be ways to explore that, and see if she responds positively.

But I doubt that having a detailed, graphic,conversation ahead of time would lead you two anywhere. It would probably turn her off.

Sorry, but you’ll need to use your intuition here, and tread carefully but firmly.

You don't go around trying to intuit if a woman wants to be forced into something. Consent is important.

Seriously. Better risk not fulfilling her fantasy than, well, the other option.

Absolutely. It needs to be worked out - in detail - ahead of time, and in writing. Only way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

Why any of this be a secret from your partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for just a few years and love DW to death, however, I do all three of these. Reason being, she’s just on the vanilla side and I find that she has pretty much has little to no interest in the things I’m interested in. She doesn’t know the frequency of my porn watching but knows it happens, and even knows about my personal sex toys.

Fantasies? Who doesn’t have those? I’ll likely never tell DW those because there’s no point if she’s not interested in said acts. I’m pretty sure hers are all pretty tame though and hopefully she’s fulfilled all of her fantasies.

The now-old book “My Secret Garden” makes the compelling case that most sexual fantasies our brain creates are never meant to ever take place; they may even be impossible. Rather, they are a function of our sexual psyche, are normal, and are healthy to think of from time to time.

I think what you may be describing is a particular kink you would like to try, but your wife would never be open to trying.

Then again: you never know until you ask (timing is everything here).

Something like that, but oddly enough I do recall actually sharing it with her a while ago. She ended up asking why I don’t force her to fulfill my fantasies and it left me speechless. The last thing I want is to force anyone one to do something they aren’t into. I also recognize that certain things probably aren’t as special as people make them out to be—so I’m likely not missing much.

You totally missed her clue. Totally.

+1. She's not so vanilla after all. You should have said, "I might just have to do that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married for just a few years and love DW to death, however, I do all three of these. Reason being, she’s just on the vanilla side and I find that she has pretty much has little to no interest in the things I’m interested in. She doesn’t know the frequency of my porn watching but knows it happens, and even knows about my personal sex toys.

Fantasies? Who doesn’t have those? I’ll likely never tell DW those because there’s no point if she’s not interested in said acts. I’m pretty sure hers are all pretty tame though and hopefully she’s fulfilled all of her fantasies.

Are there any DWs out there whose husbands think they are very vanilla about sex practices but who harbor much more adventuresome or wild fantasies that they just don't want to share with their husbands? Why not? Fear of disapproval or just a desire to keep that private? Fear that it would lead down a road that will end somewhere you don't want to be in terms of activities? Can anyone share what those fantasies are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for just a few years and love DW to death, however, I do all three of these. Reason being, she’s just on the vanilla side and I find that she has pretty much has little to no interest in the things I’m interested in. She doesn’t know the frequency of my porn watching but knows it happens, and even knows about my personal sex toys.

Fantasies? Who doesn’t have those? I’ll likely never tell DW those because there’s no point if she’s not interested in said acts. I’m pretty sure hers are all pretty tame though and hopefully she’s fulfilled all of her fantasies.

The now-old book “My Secret Garden” makes the compelling case that most sexual fantasies our brain creates are never meant to ever take place; they may even be impossible. Rather, they are a function of our sexual psyche, are normal, and are healthy to think of from time to time.

I think what you may be describing is a particular kink you would like to try, but your wife would never be open to trying.

Then again: you never know until you ask (timing is everything here).

Something like that, but oddly enough I do recall actually sharing it with her a while ago. She ended up asking why I don’t force her to fulfill my fantasies and it left me speechless. The last thing I want is to force anyone one to do something they aren’t into. I also recognize that certain things probably aren’t as special as people make them out to be—so I’m likely not missing much.

You totally missed her clue. Totally.

+1. She's not so vanilla after all. You should have said, "I might just have to do that."

Nope. This all sounds good in theory but after a few attempts of lightly pushing buttons, it always ends up with a no. So I will never push it any further. She’s vanilla and even refers to me as the “freaky” one in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

^^Have you thought of a sex therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^Have you thought of a sex therapist?

Not for sex reasons. We’ve done therapy before so I’m all for it, but I’m imagining that going to a sex therapist would only leave DW feeling like she isn’t enough or satisfy me sexually. Ultimately, placing pressure on her to try things she’s not a fan of. It’s really my issue for marrying someone who doesn’t quite match with me sexually, and for the time being it’s not worth me shaking up the relationship over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^Have you thought of a sex therapist?

Not for sex reasons. We’ve done therapy before so I’m all for it, but I’m imagining that going to a sex therapist would only leave DW feeling like she isn’t enough or satisfy me sexually. Ultimately, placing pressure on her to try things she’s not a fan of. It’s really my issue for marrying someone who doesn’t quite match with me sexually, and for the time being it’s not worth me shaking up the relationship over.

It just sounds like she’s repressed somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for just a few years and love DW to death, however, I do all three of these. Reason being, she’s just on the vanilla side and I find that she has pretty much has little to no interest in the things I’m interested in. She doesn’t know the frequency of my porn watching but knows it happens, and even knows about my personal sex toys.

Fantasies? Who doesn’t have those? I’ll likely never tell DW those because there’s no point if she’s not interested in said acts. I’m pretty sure hers are all pretty tame though and hopefully she’s fulfilled all of her fantasies.

Are there any DWs out there whose husbands think they are very vanilla about sex practices but who harbor much more adventuresome or wild fantasies that they just don't want to share with their husbands? Why not? Fear of disapproval or just a desire to keep that private? Fear that it would lead down a road that will end somewhere you don't want to be in terms of activities? Can anyone share what those fantasies are?

I used to, but after 14 years he knows most of them now. We were raised religious and my fantasies are almost all “sins,” (public, less-than-consensual, FF, MFF) so that was embarrassing/shameful. I don’t remember how I got more comfortable sharing. I think it was leaving religion behind, mostly. I don’t into detail about the MFM stuff because he said when he thinks about another guy around it’s not arousing.

But one of my fantasies is for whatever effed up reason him cheating on me so I’m not sharing that one! I’m not worried about giving him ideas, but know that he will tease me whenever I say something about how infidelity is so horribly wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for just a few years and love DW to death, however, I do all three of these. Reason being, she’s just on the vanilla side and I find that she has pretty much has little to no interest in the things I’m interested in. She doesn’t know the frequency of my porn watching but knows it happens, and even knows about my personal sex toys.

Fantasies? Who doesn’t have those? I’ll likely never tell DW those because there’s no point if she’s not interested in said acts. I’m pretty sure hers are all pretty tame though and hopefully she’s fulfilled all of her fantasies.

Are there any DWs out there whose husbands think they are very vanilla about sex practices but who harbor much more adventuresome or wild fantasies that they just don't want to share with their husbands? Why not? Fear of disapproval or just a desire to keep that private? Fear that it would lead down a road that will end somewhere you don't want to be in terms of activities? Can anyone share what those fantasies are?

I used to, but after 14 years he knows most of them now. We were raised religious and my fantasies are almost all “sins,” (public, less-than-consensual, FF, MFF) so that was embarrassing/shameful. I don’t remember how I got more comfortable sharing. I think it was leaving religion behind, mostly. I don’t into detail about the MFM stuff because he said when he thinks about another guy around it’s not arousing.

But one of my fantasies is for whatever effed up reason him cheating on me so I’m not sharing that one! I’m not worried about giving him ideas, but know that he will tease me whenever I say something about how infidelity is so horribly wrong.

Sounds like you know each other very well and have a good relationship. Religion definitely can create an issue with guilt on all three of these activities. Not sure that fantasy is effed up -- it is a fantasy, after all, not a real wish. And it could be alluring because in it you envision him behaving a different way sexually, perhaps in a way you wish, albeit with another person. Or it could be the common experience we all have of getting more interested in a partner if some third person is showing interest in them. Or it could be just the forbidden aspect of that -- many fantasies have the component of something forbidden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married for just a few years and love DW to death, however, I do all three of these. Reason being, she’s just on the vanilla side and I find that she has pretty much has little to no interest in the things I’m interested in. She doesn’t know the frequency of my porn watching but knows it happens, and even knows about my personal sex toys.

Fantasies? Who doesn’t have those? I’ll likely never tell DW those because there’s no point if she’s not interested in said acts. I’m pretty sure hers are all pretty tame though and hopefully she’s fulfilled all of her fantasies.

Are there any DWs out there whose husbands think they are very vanilla about sex practices but who harbor much more adventuresome or wild fantasies that they just don't want to share with their husbands? Why not? Fear of disapproval or just a desire to keep that private? Fear that it would lead down a road that will end somewhere you don't want to be in terms of activities? Can anyone share what those fantasies are?

I used to, but after 14 years he knows most of them now. We were raised religious and my fantasies are almost all “sins,” (public, less-than-consensual, FF, MFF) so that was embarrassing/shameful. I don’t remember how I got more comfortable sharing. I think it was leaving religion behind, mostly. I don’t into detail about the MFM stuff because he said when he thinks about another guy around it’s not arousing.

But one of my fantasies is for whatever effed up reason him cheating on me so I’m not sharing that one! I’m not worried about giving him ideas, but know that he will tease me whenever I say something about how infidelity is so horribly wrong.

That’s a fun one to role play… you can be the one he’s cheating on you with. He doesn’t have to be himself, just some other random guy.