Sexual secrets within a monogamous committed relationship

[Anonymous]

Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

[Anonymous]

Well are we talking secrets or just not telling everything? I do all three of those and DH knows. Sometimes I tell him, sometimes I don’t, but I’m not hiding anything. I’m 38, married 14 years, good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Not every marriage or committed relationship is a completely open book with full transparency between partners.

Here’s an informal poll. If you are in such a relationship, do you have secrets from your spouse or partner about any of the following:

1. Porn consumption
2. Solo satisfaction (not involving spouse)
3. Sexual fantasies

Would also be interested to hear why, if yes, you choose not to be completely open and transparent — and how those who can answer no to all 3 Qs got to that point of openness with spouse.

Any info on age, gender, length of relationship would also be welcome.

This is NOT a question about affairs.

Guy here. Married 18 years. I do/did all 3 of those but I quit porn (it’s just not good for guys). No, I don’t tell her about them. If I had to guess, she doesn’t do #1 but does read nasty romance novels, probably doesn’t do #2 (she’s a super busy type A career person and wasting minutes just isn’t her thing). She probably does have #3 - who doesn’t?

[Anonymous]

I just assume that solo satisfaction is a normal and universal part of everyone's life. This doesn't even count as a so-called secret IMO.

[Anonymous]

Women 46. I never talk to my husband about any of those because 1. They’re pretty rare for me and 2. We all have secrets. He probably does all three once in awhile and I’d just rather not know. Now it helps that we have a very healthy and fun sex life which is why I’m not into any of those things in a big way.

[Anonymous]

^ditto for fantasies though specific content is not necessarily shared.

[Anonymous]

Married 8 years and I’d say there are no “secrets” but still not 100% transparency/ telling everything. There have been a handful of times I have watched porn or pleasured myself in secret. I don’t feel the need to tell him everything - part of what makes me feel sexual is feeling I have some freedom and privacy.

Sexual fantasies - he knows I am bi curious but probably underestimates how much I think about it.

[Anonymous]

I’m interested in things that people specifically decide to keep hidden or secret in these categories. So if you don’t share an instance of #1 or #2 that occurred today because you’ve told DH about instances last week and you don’t think he cares to know about more recent examples, that would’t count. But if you decide not to tell him because you think he’d blame your lack of interest in sex with him on that, that would count.

[Anonymous]

Female. I don’t do any of those. I don’t know if H does and I don’t want to know. I’d be pretty hurt if I saw he was using porn or knew he was fantasizing about others.

[Anonymous]

44 female and the only one we have ever spoken about are fantasies and it wasn’t about people it was just about making sex more exciting. Over the past few years we’ve had a lot more fun. The internet is full of ideas and we actually have fun deciding what to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married 8 years and I’d say there are no “secrets” but still not 100% transparency/ telling everything. There have been a handful of times I have watched porn or pleasured myself in secret. I don’t feel the need to tell him everything - part of what makes me feel sexual is feeling I have some freedom and privacy.

Sexual fantasies - he knows I am bi curious but probably underestimates how much I think about it.

You've only masturbated a handful of times (nice pun) in eight years? Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just assume that solo satisfaction is a normal and universal part of everyone's life. This doesn't even count as a so-called secret IMO.

DW claims she has never done it, also that she has no fantasies. Hard to believe but am at a loss why she would not admit to these. Married for decades with good sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m interested in things that people specifically decide to keep hidden or secret in these categories. So if you don’t share an instance of #1 or #2 that occurred today because you’ve told DH about instances last week and you don’t think he cares to know about more recent examples, that would’t count. But if you decide not to tell him because you think he’d blame your lack of interest in sex with him on that, that would count.

I don’t tell him everything because he might consider the solo thing excessive but also because it’s weird to say “hey I just finished pleasuring myself.” I do sometimes say “nah this can be a quickie, I took care of myself earlier,” and I might mention it in passing. Same with Pron or fantasies.

But my guess is that the overwhelming majority of women who do these things are also very interested in sex with their husbands. I imagine the same is true for men too but I know that it pron can create unhealthy expectations so maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Female, early 50s, yes to all three. We have an active sex life and it’s not like I’m ashamed of anything, but am entitled to a private life, too. Married over 25 years with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Female, early 50s, yes to all three. We have an active sex life and it’s not like I’m ashamed of anything, but am entitled to a private life, too. Married over 25 years with kids.

I get the point about privacy but suppose your spouse welcomed that convo and did so in order to increase the intimacy of your relationship? Would that change how you approach this? Or would you still want to keep some or all of that private?