How to survive separating in place with a cheater

[Anonymous]

OP, we recognize your post from the limerence thread. You are spending a fair amount of time wondering how you can get along with this person, when, as others have said, you need to be focusing your energy on getting away from this person. Not only is he totally disrespecting you, your kids and the marriage, he is manipulating you into thinking that you are the problem here. If you would only be kinder and more understanding of what he is going through, things would be so much better. Yes - better for him. Now is the time for you to look out for you and your kids. View everything you do through that lens. You help you and the kids and not him. Taking that perspective hopefully will keep your head out of the clouds and keep you focused on your mission. Which is to safeguard (or reclaim) your dignity and self respect.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me. How old are your kids?

1. He moved to the guest room. This was easy since he accidentally had his text messages go to my son's phone so my son knew about the affair.
2. I did everything I normally do. I did not change a thing.
3. I literally was not rude, just do your thing.
4. I got out of the house a lot, took kids to activities, went for a walk, did yoga, shopping, etc.
5. I refused to fight. If he tried to start something I walked away to my room or for a walk or took the dog out.
6. He can't explain himself. This is on you figure it out yourself I am no longer your support system. call you girlfriend.
7. I knew the OW through friends and made sure they knew I asked him to move out but he refused.

Look up 180 of affairs.

Naturally he refused to move out because of his ego and the girl friend showed her true color and freaked out. He dumped her.

We lived together for 4 years until the youngest went to college and he moved out.

Bought him out of the house and I am sooooo happy!

You will get there. I have a full life without him and you will too.

[Anonymous]

He isn't choosing you because he can have his cake and eat it too!! I am the pro stay in marriage with cheater that everyone despises on here. But there is a difference. In other cases, DH has an affair, and it's possible DH might want to reconcile. But in your case, DH clearly has no intention of stopping, no intention to reconcile, he is burning candle at both ends. Kick his ass out!! Tell him if he isn't sure if he wants you, he can GTFO. Don't make it easy for him.

[Anonymous]

See an attorney STAT and get some advice. This guy does not get to call the shots. He wants you to be civil??? And what does that mean to him? You making dinner and managing the kids? Nope. 50/50 for all kids stuff.

[Anonymous]

+1 on all the PPs who called his behavior out as abusive. The is classic cheater emotional abuse - they live a double life too, so they want you to live a double life also, pretending to get along with him and that everything is normal, that he still lives you, etc.

Please stop marital therapy. Get a lawyer STAT who can explain to you about separation, etc. You and DH can NOT use the same lawyer. You must accomplish certain things to be separated - tell the spouse (in a documented way) that the marriage is over and you intend to divorce, move into a separate bathroom, tell other people about the impending divorce, establish separate bank accounts, stop doing household tasks for each other, etc. Visit the lawyer, get a list and make the moves in the house, without his help.

Establish a schedule and “co-parent” in the sense of parallel parenting. He is using the idea of co-parenting to force you to do stuff with him and keep you on the hook longer. Set up the schedule in the household like you would when you are divorced and make plans to be out of the house and ask him to be out of the house when it is your turn.

He may, at some point, wake up and smell the coffee with these changes, or he may not. Whatever happens DO NOT “get back together” without a post-nuptial agreement that details what will happen in a split (physically, financially and custody-wise), including a point that he is obligated to move out at your request. If he isn’t willing to agree to everything you ask for in a postnup or he thinks the terms of a postnup are “unfair” you really need to go through with the divorce. It is a substantial risk to you to stay with him post affair (even “just” an EA).

FWIW, OP, you can’t control him. You can’t rationalize with him. But, he also can’t control you. Move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you. These posts are a huge wake up call. I have to read and re-read these posts to get the courage to move on. I keep feeling false hope - he says things like I love you and always will love you, but he can't leave her. It's the worst to see someone's heart divided this way. But I have more than enough evidence that points to the fact that he's absolutely in her corner. He's no longer in my corner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. If he wants to blow up your world, he can be the one to move out. You have to be separated for a year before divorce, you don’t have to do it in the same house! Some people choose to, to save money, but no, this divorce is 100% him so he can move out into a crappy apartment.

He refuses to move out. He is pressuring me to just be civil and amicable. He keeps telling me we can still be civil with each other.

This is where you hold your ground. Absolutely not. He is not allowed to have whatever he wants. Life does not and should not work that way.

I've asked him to leave and he said absolutely not. He's holding his ground due to financial limitations and the impact to the kids. He's putting this on me - pressuring me to be amicable and a kind coparent.

I would have done this if we went to counseling for 12 months and THEN figured out beyond a shadow of a doubt that we should divorce.

But he robbed me of that opportunity. He broke "no contact" during our marriage counseling and has been texting her daily since then. He says he still loves me and always will, but he keeps saying the damage is done. How can he still love me and blow up his marriage for a text-based relationship (he doesn't even see her IRL due to being in different states) AND expect me to be this kind coparent under a shared roof???

Jesus. I'm getting PTSD from this. This is classic gaslighting. Are you in individual therapy to help identify this nonsense?

That is not gaslighting. That is being practical. She should remove himself from everything dealing with him except the kids but she should be an amicable coparent because that’s what’s best for the kids no matter what happened between them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. These posts are a huge wake up call. I have to read and re-read these posts to get the courage to move on. I keep feeling false hope - he says things like I love you and always will love you, but he can't leave her. It's the worst to see someone's heart divided this way. But I have more than enough evidence that points to the fact that he's absolutely in her corner. He's no longer in my corner.

OP do you think a decent person or spouse behaves this way? If you get counseling do it only for yourself to find out why your self esteem is so low. It may help you to see things clearly.

You really need to divorce him and surround yourself with functional versus dysfunctional people. I've know co-dependent women like yourself who stay and it's a sad existence. Don't listen to the few recommending you stay with this loser.

Please begin the steps to get away from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you. These posts are a huge wake up call. I have to read and re-read these posts to get the courage to move on. I keep feeling false hope - he says things like I love you and always will love you, but he can't leave her. It's the worst to see someone's heart divided this way. But I have more than enough evidence that points to the fact that he's absolutely in her corner. He's no longer in my corner.

You need to start the separation process immediately in my opinion. You can still be an amicable coparent for the kids but that is the only relationship with him that you should have. Work out the details of what your divorce is going to look like make sure that you get 50-50 custody and 50-50 of acids and move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. How old are your kids?

1. He moved to the guest room. This was easy since he accidentally had his text messages go to my son's phone so my son knew about the affair.
2. I did everything I normally do. I did not change a thing.
3. I literally was not rude, just do your thing.
4. I got out of the house a lot, took kids to activities, went for a walk, did yoga, shopping, etc.
5. I refused to fight. If he tried to start something I walked away to my room or for a walk or took the dog out.
6. He can't explain himself. This is on you figure it out yourself I am no longer your support system. call you girlfriend.
7. I knew the OW through friends and made sure they knew I asked him to move out but he refused.

Look up 180 of affairs.

Naturally he refused to move out because of his ego and the girl friend showed her true color and freaked out. He dumped her.

We lived together for 4 years until the youngest went to college and he moved out.

Bought him out of the house and I am sooooo happy!

You will get there. I have a full life without him and you will too.

New poster. Re: the bold -- you remained in the same house but living separately for four years? I get that he was, I guess, staying "for the kids" until youngest went to college but -- four years? Most of the "under the same roof but going to divorce" posts talk about doing this arrangement only long enough to settle on custody, decide who moves out and when etc. But four years is a very long time, even if you're doing the total "this no longer bothers me, go about your business." Didn't your kids, especially as the youngest would have been a teen the whole time, realize exactly what was going on? Were they fine with parents who were never around simultaneously--? I"m truly NOT asking judgementally, PP, I just was bowled over when I got to that line in the post. All the steps you outlined are perfectly understandable but I guess I can't imagine living like that, with a cheater roommate with whom I used to share sex and love, under the same roof, plus the added stress (to me at least) of always having to make myself scarce when he was around. How did you cope emotionally?

[Anonymous]

OP you need to focus on yourself. If he won’t leave establish an in-house custody schedule. Just like you were living in separate residences. Do the 180- move on (even though you may not truly be moving on) but don’t engage him. Let him see you’re fine without him. On the days that he has “custody” leave the house and go find something to do, even if it’s just taking a long walk to be out of the house. Tell your closest friends, don’t suffer this alone. I had two close friends and my brother in my corner and I really don’t know what I would have done without them. Please remember that it takes two willing parties to be in a relationship- if he isn’t willing to continue yours then there’s absolutely nothing you can do. I’m sorry he won’t move out. But you got this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He isn't choosing you because he can have his cake and eat it too!! I am the pro stay in marriage with cheater that everyone despises on here. But there is a difference. In other cases, DH has an affair, and it's possible DH might want to reconcile. But in your case, DH clearly has no intention of stopping, no intention to reconcile, he is burning candle at both ends. Kick his ass out!! Tell him if he isn't sure if he wants you, he can GTFO. Don't make it easy for him.

She needs to divorce him. This is someone who she can NEVER trust. OP would you trust him if you got cancer or some other life difficulty happens? No you can't.

This is abuse just like the guy who smacks the woman around. This is emotional abuse. Most people would never treat another human being this way.

[Anonymous]

50/50 of assets (above was a typo)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you really have to live in the same house ? I would get him to move out as this will give you space to process and move on. It’s the worst time for sure and the suggestions are helpful.

Again—property and custody really have to be worked out. Up and leaving can impact custody. People need to consult an attorney before leaving the marital home. As soon as something is agreed on with custody and property, then by all means, physically separate.

This is the only relevant answer. Others have no idea what they are talking about. Also, OP, I am sorry to tell you there is no way he is leaving for a woman he has never slept with.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I’m so sorry and your poor son for getting those awful text messages from his dad’s AP. Horrifying.

I kicked him out but was able to because our kids didn’t know and he wanted to keep it that way. His dad was a cheater and he knew firsthand the effect as a kid. I found out in the morning and told him he had to be out by the next day. He slept in the basement that night and got up before kids did. We told the kids he had to go on a business trip.

I could not have him in the house when my tensions were so high and I did not want to argue/snap in front of our kids- 12 and 15 at the time.

In my case, the affair was already over, ended by him and he wanted to desperately make amends and initiated individual and couples therapy, but I did not show up for the couple’s therapy. He begged me to drop in on the zoom call and I refused. It would be 6 months before I agreed to couples therapy when I saw his actions and how hard he was trying.

If he’s not remorseful now and has some balls to act like that and then refuse to leave—while playing mind games and telling you that you are being unreasonable- I think I’d seek counseling myself to help with the direction to take while also talking to a few family law specialists.

Your son will also need counseling for his father’s betrayal. That stuff has a way of sticking with a kid through life if not processed.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. People are awful.